Disclaimer: Roswell and the characters aren't mine. They belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, the WB and the UPN.
Author's Note: This is part two of the 'Lost' series. It takes place two days after "Departure." This is written in Max's POV. And, as always, I LOVE feedback.
I watch her as she sleeps.
I don't deserve her, I know. After all I've said, after all I've done, I shouldn't be allowed to be in the presence of this angel.
But I am. And because of it, I am the luckiest man on Earth.
I've hurt her, more than any man has any right to hurt a woman. I've betrayed her, in the worst possible way. I don't have any defence, and I don't offer any. There is no excuse for all that I've said and done.
She looks so peaceful, as I imagine she did as a little girl. Long before she knew me. Long before I broke her heart, time and time again.
I offer no excuses, but I do offer promises.
I will never again hurt her. If I do nothing else worthwhile in my life, at least I will know that I will never again be responsible for her tears. I swear I will make her happy, if it is the last thing I ever do. I swear I will give her the life she deserves. I swear that I will love her, with all my heart and soul, until I take my dying breath – and then some.
With all the things I've said and done in this life, I have somehow managed to make an angel love me. I don't know how, or why, but I won't question it. Not anymore. Not ever again. I will simply love her with every fibre of my being.
She smiles a little in her sleep. I wonder what she is dreaming. I hope they are happy dreams.
I want to make all her dreams come true.
She doesn't entirely trust me yet, I know. I shattered her absolute trust in me when I so callously trampled on her heart. Yet here I am, and I don't know why.
Maybe the fates have seen that she is my everything. My reason for being. My reason for getting out of bed each morning and facing the day. She is my life.
My love for her consumes me. It drives me. When I thought I had lost her, I nearly lost my sanity. I didn't understand why - not then, and not now – but nothing else matters anymore. Only her.
Her beautiful, silky hair flows over my chest like a waterfall. There was a time that I thought I would never again be able to run my fingers through her hair. I tortured myself, every day and every night, with the thought of her hair. With the thought that I would never again be permitted to stroke these soft tresses.
I tortured myself with the thought of her skin. So soft and delicate. She is so tiny, so fragile, but with a hidden strength. I've put the weight of the world on her shoulders. Any other woman would have been destroyed.
But not her. She persevered, and carried on. Hell, she even prospered, without me.
She doesn't need me. Not the way I need her. She can go on without me. She's proven that already. But I can't. I won't, not again. Not ever again.
I need her more than the air I breathe. More than the food I eat and the water I drink. If I ever lose her again, I will die.
I've loved her since the first moment I saw her.
How could I ever convince myself that I could exist without her by my side, in my heart, in my bed?
Her fingers are intertwined with mine. She smiled at me, just before she fell asleep, and said she wasn't ever going to let me go, not even in sleep. And then she threaded her delicate fingers through mine.
Those hands. Those tiny little hands. Hands I've dreamed about during the endless nights I've spent away from her. Hands that gently stroked my face as she kissed me. Hands that deftly performed tasks as she went about her day. Someone once told me that hands never lie, not like faces. Faces can be disguised, although she does have the most beautiful face I've ever seen. But hands – hands reveal a person's true nature. Her hands are soft and gentle, but belie an inner strength. She is always rubbing lotion on her hands, but not even this small attempt at vanity can completely eradicate the many hours of work she does each day.
She is goodness and light. She is my hope, my dream, and my destiny. She is, and no one else, no matter what.
I lost her once because I doubted her. I doubted the purity of our love. I will never do that again, destiny or no. I choose my own destiny, and I choose her. She is my destiny.
She cried, tonight, for hours. Cried for lost time, for a lost friend, for a lost innocence. I hurt her, badly, when I lost sight of my heart.
A wise person once told her to follow her heart. I thought, at the time, that it was the best piece of advice I've ever heard, and I've tried to do that. But my head got in the way. A head filled with self-doubt and a fierce desire to protect her at all cost, even if the thing I was protecting her from was myself.
She is my heart, but I lost sight of that this year. I lost sight of the love that shines in her beautiful eyes every time she looks at me.
I never stopped loving her, not for a second. But I somehow stopped fighting.
I never gave up on her, on us. But somehow, I lost my faith.
I stopped seeing her. I stopped seeing anything but that woman. That woman who made it her life's work to destroy everything that was good and pure in my world. That woman who nearly destroyed the love of my life, my soul mate, like she destroyed the love of my sister's life.
I don't know if she'll ever recover. Isabel is a strong woman, like my Liz, but this may be more even than she can handle, and she's already had to deal with far too much. She hasn't spoken in the two days since Liz discovered the truth. Not since she asked me what we should do next.
How should I know? I'm the leader. But that doesn't mean that I know the answers, or that I ever will.
Tess was right, about one thing, at least. I'm not Zan, not anymore. I'm not a king, not yet. I'm just a boy. And that's okay.
I don't want to be a king. I want to have my own life. I want to live my life loving and laughing with the woman sleeping in my arms. I want to hold her every night for the rest of my life. I want to marry her. I want to have children with her. I want to grow old with her.
I don't know if that's possible, but I will fight for our love with my dying breath. I have a mission, a mission that will include her - however dangerous it may be – because she is a part of this now. She has been, ever since the beginning. She made her choice, nearly two years ago. She tried to make me understand. She tried to make me see, but I was too blind, too stubborn.
Not anymore. I know the truth.
The four-square can never be. Not here, and not now. Maybe in that life, it was possible, but we are not those people. We will do what is expected. We will do whatever is necessary to save our planet. But we won't sacrifice our lives, our happiness, for that. We deserve much more. We deserve love.
Isabel has lost that love, far too soon. Before it ever had a chance to grow and develop and prosper. But I hope that she will love another, eventually. I hope that she will learn to smile again, learn to laugh, learn to love. But right now, she is lost.
Michael has found his love. My brother has found a little pixie girl who has taken up permanent residence in his heart and has become his home.
Just as I have found the woman of my dreams. I told her once that she was my dream girl. She's not a girl, not anymore. She grew up, far too fast and much too harsh, over the past year. Her eyes lost the sheen of innocence that was there, before she loved me. That is my fault, I know. But I also know that if I said those words aloud, she would deny it at first, and if I insisted, she would say she is happy about it. So I won't say anything. It will just be yet another sin I need to atone for.
There are too many sins already. Too many hurts that I've caused her, my sister, and my friends…all because that woman told me I was king. That I was the leader, and that whatever I said or did was right.
It wasn't right. Very little of this past year was right. The only thing that was right was keeping this beautiful angel in my life.
I feel like I've been lost ever since we discovered our destiny. I've been lost, and even I don't like the person who was left in my place. He hurt everyone I loved. And so I've been searching for myself, ever since she told me the truth. Searching for the person I used to be, the person I want to be again. The person she loves. I hope I can find him again. Having her in my arms has done more to bring him back than I ever thought possible.
I can hear Isabel crying softly in the next room, and my heart breaks for her. I feel so guilty that I have my angel in my arms, and yet she is without the man she loves. It's hardly fair. And it's all because of Tess.
I know I'll have to work to regain my angel's trust. I'll have to work to get my sister's friendship back. I'll have to work to find the person I was, the person I want to be again. And I'll have to work to find my son, to protect him, to love him the way a child should be loved, the way my parents loved me.
But I'll do all that. With my angel at my side, I know we can do anything.