Here With Me
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I'm not that lucky. So don't sue me. That would make me very sad, and then I wouldn't write anymore, and no one would benefit.
Author's Note: Part five of the 'Lost' Series. Michael's POV. Send me feedback – pretty please?
I've spent most of my life hiding who I really am.
Hell, I've spent most of my life hiding, period.
From day one, when I came out of the pod, I hid from Isabel and Maxwell. I knew they were looking for me, that they wanted me with them, but I was too scared to go to them.
And then, because I was scared, because I waited to long, I watched them climb into the backseat of a car and drive away without me. And I was sent into foster home hell.
It really was hell. My own personal hell. For three years, I simply existed, as I was shuttled on an endless stream of foster homes, each one a little worse than the last. Maybe that's why I am the way I am. Closed off and scared, I mean. I knew I was different, right from the beginning, but I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't know why. Knowledge came with meeting the only two people in the world like me.
Max and Izzy. I always wanted what they had. But I never wished that they were in my place, instead of me. They wouldn't be the people they are today if they'd lived through my hell. Max and Izzy went to sleep every night in their own beds, with a kiss from their mom and a hug from their dad. And that's a good thing. It just wasn't something I could ever share.
I never knew where I'd be sleeping. And when I did sleep, I'd be scared to wake up.
With Hank, it was the worst. But he was the only one I wanted to stay with, because that way, I could be close to the only family I knew. The only people I loved. The only people who loved me.
Hank would have bad days and horrible days. The bad days were the ones when he'd pick up a six-pack on the way home and pass out before he saw me. The horrible ones were the days when he'd hit me. Those were the days he'd tell me that I was worthless, that no one would be stupid enough to ever love me.
I use to think that everything would be okay if I only knew which kind of day it would be when I woke up. But I didn't, and wondering would keep me awake most of the night. The only nights I ever slept were the ones I spent on Max's floor or curled up on the end of Izzy's bed.
Exhaustion, fear…it all led to incredible anger. I lost myself in the anger. The anger made me forget how scared I am. When the blood was pounding in my ears as I picked a fight with someone – a fight I knew I could never win – I didn't have to wonder about what Hank would do to me when I got home.
For me, my fear went away when I was angry. I still have a tendency to jump into things without thinking. That just about sums up the reason I do most of the things I do. I'm scared.
What am I scared of? Everything. That someone will figure out I'm an alien and they'll lock me up and cut me open and try and figure out what makes me tick. That Hank is right, and I'm worthless. That I won't find out the truth about who I am. That Maria will stop loving me someday.
I pushed her away. I hurt her, all because I was scared that she'd hurt me. So I hurt her first. I said it was because I was an alien, that it was because I was scared I would hurt her, but we both knew that was crap.
The truth is, I love her.
I've always loved her, for as long as I can remember. When she found out the truth, and Izzy was freaking out that she'd tell Valenti, I wasn't worried. I knew we could trust her, even then. I knew she'd help us.
I don't know how I knew. I didn't know her, not then. But I believed in her. I needed to trust her, more than I've ever needed anything else in my life. And the amazing thing is – she's still here with me.
Before Maria, the most important girl in my life was Isabel. She's my best friend, my sister in my heart, and my substitute mother. She healed my banged up knees when I was little. She looked up at the stars with me when I wondered where we came from. She hugged me and told me it was going to be all right when I was scared.
And now she's hurting. And I can't make it better.
Maria tried to make her snap out of it. I told her it wasn't going to work. I know. Because Isabel loved Alex, in her own way, just as much as I love Maria. Izzy's going through the hell I imagine in my worst nightmares. The hell I visit, late at night, when I think that Maria could get hurt, just because she knows me, and I can't do anything to save her.
After we left, Maria asked me why I didn't try and shake Isabel out of it. I didn't for the same reason that Max won't. Because she's got to deal with it like that, the only way she can say goodbye to Alex and stay sane.
If it was Maria, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go on without her in my life.
I need her. I need to see her beautiful little pixie face every morning. I need to wake up with her blonde curls falling all over my pillow and her legs tangled up in my sheets. I need to see her smile at me before I go to bed each night. I need to kiss her until we're the only two people in the world and nothing else matters but us.
I need her more than I've ever needed anything or anyone before.
Stonewall Guerin? Ha. She broke down my walls the first time she smiled at me like they were made of glass. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
In those last few minutes, when I watched Max prepare the Granolith, I could feel my heart shattering into tiny pieces. It felt like I was dying inside. And that's when I realized that I could never leave her, not even to go home.
The truth is, she's my home. When I'm in her arms, I feel like I belong. When she's here with me, nothing else matters. I feel safe. She makes my world make sense.
When did I turn into Max?
It doesn't matter. She's the one that I want, the one that I choose. Destiny be damned. I don't love Isabel like that, and I never will. Maria DeLuca is the only woman I'll ever want. The only woman that I'll ever love.
I know it doesn't seem like it to the rest of the world, but I really do love her. I know I pick fights with her, but I only do it because she gets so cute when she's mad. Her nose scrunches up and her cheeks get pink and she looks alive.
Maria's a vibrator. So am I. That's why we work so well together.
And making up is even better than the fight.
The first time I kissed her, I told her it was because I wanted to calm her down. That was a lie. I did it because it was the one thing I've wanted to do since the first time I saw her, when she was a little girl. She was so cute back then – almost as cute as she is now – with all that blonde hair and sparkling green eyes.
She doesn't know it, but I can get lost in her eyes.
I was lost until I kissed her. That first kiss…I found my way home. I never would have believed that one tiny woman could be my home.
She doesn't know it, but I gave her my heart after that first kiss.
I could no more leave her than I could cut out my heart and expect it to keep on beating.
I shut her out sometimes. I know that hurts her more than she can say. My defence? I want to keep from hurting her even more.
But not being with her hurts too much. I tried to fight it, but no matter how many times I tried to push her away, no matter how many times I told myself that she was better off without me, I couldn't do it. It sounds corny, I know, but Maria Deluca is the keeper of my heart.
And then when Alex died, it all became clear. Maria is my world. I don't ever want to be without her.
When she cried, when she clung to me in the days after Alex's death, I have to admit that my thoughts weren't for Alex. They were kind of selfish, and probably really wrong, but I just kept hoping that it wouldn't be me that makes Maria cry like that again. I mean, it's entirely possible that something could happen to me one of these days, be it the FBI, our enemies, or even just a freak accident.
I watched her, when Alex died. The spunky, sassy girl I fell in love with went away. The fire went out of her beautiful eyes. I don't ever want her hurt like that again. I don't want her to be hurt the way Izzy's hurting right now.
All this pain, all this suffering. All because of Tess.
Why didn't I see through her? That's my job, to protect Max and Isabel. But apparently, I'm not too good at all that. If it wasn't for Maria and Liz, Max and Isabel might be dead right now.
Maria's curled up in my arms. She's sleeping, and I know I have to wake her up soon so she can sneak back into her room before Amy wakes up and finds out she's gone, but I just want to watch her for a little while longer. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps.
That's what I want to bring her. Peace. She helped me heal the night I ran to her, that last night with Hank. I hope I can bring her as much peace as she gives me.
Her life hasn't been easy. She still misses her father just as much as she hates him for leaving. I can't understand why any man would leave the pixie laying in my arms. Couldn't he see how wonderful she is? Was he that blind? That stupid?
Maria once told me, on the anniversary of the day he left, that she would kick his ass if he ever showed his face again, for hurting her mom.
She won't have to. I'll kick his ass for hurting the woman I love.
I love her. It amazes me, every time I think it, even. And she loves me. I never really believed that anyone, except Isabel and Max, would love me, and they only would because they had to, because I was family. But she does. Despite all my problems. Despite my stonewall. She loves me.
Whoever would've thought that an alien would find his home was Earth. After all my years of running, of trying to find my way home, of trying to find myself, and my home was with her, all along.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She doesn't know it, not yet, but I'm going to ask her to marry me, someday. I want to have kids with her, someday. And I'm going to be the best father and husband on this planet. Much better than her father. And certainly better than Hank.
The first time we made love, it was a goodbye, even if she didn't know it yet. I know it was probably wrong of me, to make love to her without telling her that I was leaving, but I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted one night, one more memory, to hold on to when I left her.
Thank god I didn't leave. Thank god I was smart enough to know how much she means to me.
The first time we made love was a goodbye. I swear that from now on, every other time we make love, it will be a hello. An 'I love you.' Because I'm never going to leave her.
If I did, I think Alex would haunt me. I'm pretty sure Liz would beat me up. And Amy DeLuca would come after me with more than a newspaper.
I'm going to do things right with her, this time. I'm going to treat Maria like the princess she is, and I'm going to love her the way she deserves to be loved. I'm going to love her with my whole heart and keep her here with me, where she belongs.
I'm going to take care of my friends. Protect them better. I'll never let Tess, or anyone else, hurt them again.
And I'm going to help Izzy. I'll give her as much time as she needs, but then I'm going to make her live again. She's lost right now, and I swear I'm going to find her and make her smile again.
I'll do everything right this time, now that I've been given this second chance. I'm going to love Maria and keep her here with me forever.