Disclaimer: Let's see. What do I own? Roswell? Nope, that belongs to Jason Katims/Melinda Metz/UPN. Do I own anything? No, again. Glad we got that straightened up.
Author's Note: Eighth instalment of the 'Lost Series.' Tess' POV – please note that while this is my interpretation of why she did what she did, I could be totally off base. So, let me know what you think.
I'm alone again.
I've been alone for an entire week. No one's here to talk to me. No one's here to hold my hand.
Where did everyone go?
No, wait, I'm not alone. And I'll never be alone again. I've got you, don't I, baby? I'll never let you go.
You understand, don't you, honey? You know Mommy had to do it. That I had to kill him. I didn't have any choice. I did it for you, baby.
I'll do anything for you.
We'll be home soon. And then we'll have everything.
I need to think of a name for you, don't I, honey? At first, I thought I'd call you Max, for your Daddy, but I'd never name my beautiful son after that snivelling little worm.
Maybe Alexander? For Alex? But he was pathetic, too, in the end, begging me to stop…I didn't want to do it, baby. I didn't want to kill him. It hurt me just as much as it hurt him. I know you understand, baby. I had to keep us safe. He would have destroyed us. And what's one human compared to us?
Kyle? Or Jim? Two men I respect.
They'll hate me for what I did. I loved them, even if they were humans. They're your family, baby, but they're humans. You have to understand humans. They're kind of like pets. They're so fragile. So easy to manipulate and train. So weak…
Maybe an alien name. Or something human, something totally unique. Something that suits your purpose, baby. I've always liked Ryan. It means 'little king.'
That's what you are, baby. Little king. I'm going to raise you properly. I'm going to make you proud. You won't be weak like your father. You'll never leave me.
I want Tabasco sauce. That's what I regret the most about leaving, baby. That you'll never know how wonderful it tastes as it drips over your tongue and slides down your throat.
I miss them. Isabel…we could've been friends, if only she would've listened to me. Michael…we're the most alike, baby, he and I…always a little bit separate. And your Daddy, Max…it all would've been different if he just accepted it, if he'd been the man he was supposed to be. I didn't like any of them, not really. So why do I miss them? Isn't that funny, my little king? They never wanted me around, not really. I was always just a means to an end with them, wasn't I, baby. We sure showed them, didn't we?
They'll regret ignoring me.
Weak. Weak, pathetic little humans. That's all they are, now. What happened to their greatness? What happened to their power, their strength – it vibrated off every fibre of their being, once upon a time. What happened to the man I knew, the man I loved? He had that power, that strength. He had a world at his feet.
Hell, he had five worlds at his feet, and he damned well knew it. That's what made him so fucking desirable. He had power and he knew how to use it. He knew how to get what he wanted. Too bad he forgot that.
So who cares if he didn't want me? Who cares if he never loved me? Then or now?
He had his little affairs, back then, I know. Just like that bitch Liz. I'd come in and find them tangled up in our bed, all sweaty and hot and bothered. But I would do what was expected. I'd leave and not say a word.
Meek little mouse. Perfect little wife. Trophy queen.
But not anymore. Never again. I'm better than him, than all of them. I have the power now, and so do you, my little king. I know the truth, and they're just stumbling around in the dark, chasing their own shadows. Idiots.
If they had only done like I said, they would've been the people they were born to be. A King. A Princess. A Warrior.
Oh, no. The humans were more important. They didn't care what we were or what we were destined to be again.
And they left me. They made me that weak, pathetic, little mouse that I hate so much.
I swore that I would never be that girl again. I despised her. I swore that I would fight for what was mine. And I have. I do what I have to do.
Your father was mine, little king, and that bitch stole him away from me. Just like all the other little tramps that threw themselves on him. They can sense it, little king. The power, the strength, that's within him.
Too bad he couldn't embrace the power. Loser.
Even when he was with me, I never touched his heart. He could sleep with me, use my body, but he could never look me in the eye.
What he did the night you were conceived, baby, was worse than anything he ever did to me during our marriage. He had sex with me and pretended I was her.
That bitch! That tramp! That human! How could he want her? She's nobody. She's nothing. I'm his wife. I'm having his child. We're supposed to be the centre of his world not that slutty little bitch Liz Parker.
If he had come to me, loved me, the way he was supposed to, maybe none of it would've happened. If she hadn't given me hope after I had finally moved on with Kyle, maybe I could've ignored my promise to Nasedo.
But no. He didn't want me, but no one else could have me either. No, I had to be waiting in the wings, panting to get into his pants, stroking his ego. Bastard.
Kyle. He hates me, now. I really did love him, baby, even if he was one of those wretched humans that stole my life from me. But Kyle…he was different. He reminded me of me. On the outside looking in. He was just as lost as I am, my little king.
Lost little Tess. How sad, I bet they'd say, all the while laughing behind their backs. They don't know. None of them know.
But you do, don't you, my little king? You know that I did what I had to do. You know how it was for me, growing up. I swear you'll never live like that.
I swore I'd never be weak again, after I began my new life as a human. I wouldn't need anyone or anything. I'd be happy, this time. I'd be free.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Nasedo made me weak. Nasedo made me scared. Nasedo made me a prisoner in my own head.
He did things to me, things too sick to do to any child. He locked me in closets and denied me food and water, except when it was absolutely necessary. He hit me and told me I was bad, for not keeping the others with me. Bad for trying to fight him.
I'm weak, little king. I stopped fighting.
The person I wanted to be was lost forever. And I don't think she's ever coming back.
He told me the only way I could be good again was to make it up to Kivar. He told me the only way I could survive was to take the deal. He told me I'd have everything I ever wanted if I did it.
For a while, when I found Max and the others, I thought I could be good, that the person I wanted to be had been found. I thought I could be free and happy and strong.
But they didn't want me either.
Didn't they know I didn't want the destiny Nasedo told me about? Didn't they know how much I just wanted to be with my family? Didn't they know I wanted to be happy, to be free?
They didn't. And every time I began to feel wanted, needed, someone would slam the door shut. And I would be that lost little girl again.
I began to hate them, little king. I didn't want to, but I did. When Nasedo died, I thought it was possible, that I could be free. But he haunts me, baby.
Then the Skins started showing up. And all hell broke loose.
The whole time, the only bright, shining light in my life was Kyle and Jim. They took me in, made me feel connected to something. They wanted me.
Nicholas. He wanted me to do this, little king. And Whittaker. Told me to do my duty. What I was born to do.
She hurt me. Me! She should grovel at my feet…
She called me crazy. I'm not crazy. Only crazy people are crazy. You're not crazy if you can say you're not crazy.
There's more than one of me. I don't like one of the others. She fights me and tells me to go away. She's crazy.
But I can't tell her that. Then she'd kill me.
So I do what she wants, and I'll get what I want. Power. Glory. Worship.
I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm split into pieces, baby. There's the girl I want to be, the girl I dreamt of being, the girl I thought I'd lost long ago, the girl that calls Jim 'Dad' and Kyle 'everything.' She's Tess. Or she was. She's the girl who wanted Max, Isabel and Michael to love her, to be her family. She's the girl who cooks Christmas dinners and wants a chair of her own. She's the girl who hates the word destiny and fights to be heard.
That girl is silent. I think she's lost forever. I haven't seen her in a long time. I miss her.
There's the girl that Nasedo created. The girl who craves revenge and power, needs it, more than the air she breathes. She's Ava. She's the girl who hates Max for rejecting her. She's the girl who wants to hurt them as much as they've hurt her. She's the girl who is willing to sacrifice them – sacrifice everything - and accept Nasedo's deal.
That girl is loud and strong. That girl kills on a whim and demands respect or death. I hate that girl. I can't fight her, not anymore. She wins. Game over.
And then there's me. I don't have a name. I don't exist anymore. Maybe I never did. But I'm the girl you'll call 'Mommy' in a few weeks, my little king. I'm the girl that loves you and your daddy. I'm the girl who tries to balance the other two.
I failed.
I'm not strong, little king. I just want you to know that I'll always love you, no matter what I say and do.
It's so cold here. Why is it so cold?
Max is talking to me. I'm sorry, Max. I love you. I didn't mean to kill him. I didn't want to do it. Don't you know that? Don't you know how much you mean to me? I had to kill him, or he would've taken you away from me. Him and that little tramp you drool after.
Why didn't you ever look at me that way?
Max? Where did you go? Why can't I see the sky? Why is it so quiet?
Little king? Are you there? Where are we? Why is it so dark? I don't want to be alone.
I think I'm lost, baby, lost just like Tess. Lost forever. I'll always love you, little king.