Disclaimer: Roswell,
the characters, and situations are the property of Jason Katims, the UPN and
the WB – I just get to take them to the circus from time to time. This is the result – I promise I'll bring
them back…
Author's Note: This is the final part of my "Lost" series and is written in Alex's POV. Sorry it took me so long to complete – huge case of writer's block. As always, I crave feedback.
Distribution: Ask and ye shall receive. Just tell me where it's going.
I watch her as she cries. I sing to her and whisper soft words of comfort and stroke her hair. It kills me that she's in so much pain.
It hurts even more to know that I'm the reason she's crying.
I love her, even here.
She thinks I'm a dream, the product of an overactive imagination, but the truth is, I'm still with her. I'll always be with her. I'm lost without her.
For me, the only definition of 'happiness' that I'll ever have is long blonde hair and big brown eyes. Joy is when she smiles. Pure bliss is when she wraps her arms around me. Heaven is when she kisses me.
I would die all over again if I could take away her pain.
It's true, what I told her, that night in the cemetery. Your heart is still your heart, and your soul is still your soul, always.
She is my heart and my soul. I gave them to her the first time I saw her.
Before I met her, I was lost. I don't know how or why, though – I mean, I had a home, a family, and the two best friends a guy could ever ask for. So how could I be lost?
But when I saw her, my mind went blank. All I could see was her. All I ever wanted to see was her. Nothing else mattered except her.
It kills me that we'll never get to spend our life together. I truly believe that we were just as meant to be as Max and Liz, Michael and Maria. We just had to find our own way, in our own time. I always knew it would happen eventually.
We found it, that night at the prom. When we danced, I saw the future in her eyes. I know that sounds silly and romantic – something like Max would say – but I truly did. I saw our wedding day, with Isabel wearing the most beautiful dress I have ever seen. I saw our son – with my hair and her eyes, and our little girl – the image of her mother. The image of beauty personified.
I wish I could've known those children. I don't even know their names, but I know that they should've existed. I've thought a lot, in the last few weeks – what else do I have to do? – and I decided that we would've named our son Philip Alexander and our daughter Chelsea Diane. I don't know why I chose those names; it just seemed right, somehow.
But those children will never be born. I will never get to see Izzy, pregnant with our baby, eating sardine and peanut butter sandwiches. I will never get to see our son take his first step or help our daughter tie her shoes. All of that was stolen from me. From us. We will never get to live the life we should have.
By Tess.
Those last few minutes…they were terrifying, confusing. I felt empty, detached. Like I had already lost my ties to the world. I knew what was going to happen, and I knew I couldn't stop it. I always thought I'd be scared before I died. I was. But the funny thing is, I wasn't scared for myself. I was scared for Izzy. I knew what it would do to her.
It's been a week since she found out the truth about Tess, and she is slowly willing herself to die.
I won't let her.
I would like nothing more to spend eternity with her in my arms. But the years will pass, quickly enough, and she will be with me again, eventually. And until then, until we're reunited again, I'll wait. I'll watch over her and love her, the way I always have. There will be other loves for her, I know, and maybe even other children, but we both know that a little piece of her heart will always be here with me. With what could have been.
I hate it when she cries. I know she doesn't think she can go on without me, but I know her better than she knows herself. I know how guilty she still feels because of who she was. And I know how lost she feels, immersed in a sea of happy couples.
But I also know that she's stronger than she thinks.
Izzy is destined to do great things. Not that whole you've-gotta-be-with-Michael crap – that would just succeed in making all of the people I love absolutely miserable, especially Izzy. And I'd have to hit Michael again, for hurting Maria. No, what I mean is what she'll do in the world.
She's caring and loving and wonderful. She'll make a difference in the world. She tries so hard to make the people around her happy. She tries to take away the pain of total strangers with her volunteer work. I think maybe that's why she loves Christmas so much. Because Christmas is a season where happiness abounds and miracles are expected.
She's my miracle.
When I was a kid, chasing Maria and Liz around the Crashdown, everything seemed so simple. Everything was so simple, back then. I knew who I was. Alex Whitman, son of Gloria and Charlie, friend of Maria and Liz. Then I grew up, and I lost part of myself.
No, wait, that's not entirely true. I gave away a part of myself – my heart. I lost my heart the moment she kissed me. And I didn't really lose it, per se. I gave it to her, willingly.
I'll never forget that morning. It was probably the single most important moment in my life. It was early, and Max and Liz were missing. She told me to kiss her, so we could generate some information and maybe find them. We didn't find them, but my heart found a permanent home in her.
When she thought she was pregnant, I told her I'd stand by her. I would've claimed the baby as my own. I would've loved any baby of hers, even if I wasn't the baby's father.
After the prom, we went to the park and stared up at the stars. That's always been a passion of ours. I kissed her, again, and I saw flashes. Flashes of her life – growing up with Max and Michael, helping her mother make a pie, running to greet her father as he arrived home from work. I saw her with her friends, so unhappy and helpless to change anything, and not even sure if she even really wanted to do anything to upset the status quo. And I saw me. I saw me the way she saw me. I didn't matter to her if I wasn't popular or good at sports. Nothing mattered except the way I loved her. I saw her hopes and her fears and her dreams. And I was in all of them.
She let me into her heart, that night. I grinned at her, after we finally broke our kiss, and asked her to dance. There wasn't any music, except in our heads. And when we danced, I saw stars in her eyes.
Stars are beautiful. But they're nothing compared to her, my love – the child of the stars.
I don't hate Tess. I've had a lot of time to think about it, and I don't hate her, not really. At least, not for what she did to me. She's just totally, fundamentally, and utterly fucked up. I was just the sucker that ended up paying for her screwiness. Besides, she'll hurt more for what she did than anything I could accomplish from hating her. Kivar's not a fun guy when he's pissed, I'm told, and somehow, I don't think he'll be throwing a party for his little ingénue who screwed up his master plan. Hell, Tess'll be lucky if he doesn't toss her in the dungeon and throw away the key.
But I do despise her for what she did to Izzy. She's the one that got the short end of the stick. She's the one who has to keep on living.
I can't bear to watch her cry anymore. So, I talked to her. Told her the truth – that she has to live for me, a long, productive life, filled with other loves, other dreams. And only after she does that can we be reunited.
My little plan didn't go over all that well. I think I might've made some mistake with the words I chose or something. Or maybe it went wrong when I faded away after I told her. I don't really know, and it doesn't really matter.
Because she snapped out of the waking coma she was in, that weird state where all she did was cry. That was good. But what she did next? That was bad.
Really bad.
She started screaming. And I'm not talking a few 'oh-my-god-there's-a-spider-in-my-bed' yelps. Not even a couple of hysterical 'my-boyfriend's-dead-but-he's-in-my-head-and-talking-to-me' screams. And certainly not the expected 'that-bitch-my-best-friend-fried-his-brain-and-killed-him' bellows. Nope, not my Izzy. She couldn't do the normal reaction.
Izzy screamed like banshees from hell were nipping at her toes. The stars I always saw in her eyes faded. But the Izzy I knew and loved – headstrong, confident, Isabel – came back in full force.
And she started destroying things.
Tornados have done less damage than Isabel Evans. In mere minutes, her room was in shambles. Michael and Max had to hold her down to keep her from hurting herself.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I reappeared. I pulled her into my arms and stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. It didn't even matter that there were other people around that saw me. She grew calmer, and neither of us noticed the stunned silence all around us.
"Alex?"
The shocked whisper came from Liz. I looked up at them, and absently noticed that Max had turned pale. Liz was trembling, and the only reason Maria was still upright was because Michael had grabbed her around the waist.
"Hi, guys."
"But…you're dead?" Max's words came as a question, not a statement.
I nodded, still stroking her hair.
"Alex!" Maria screamed, and she and Liz threw themselves at me, jarring Isabel from my arms. She fell back on the bed and whimpered softly. "What…How…Why?"
I hugged them both briefly, and then gathered Isabel up and placed her on my lap again.
"I've seen him everywhere," she said so softly that you had to strain to hear her voice. "I thought I was going crazy. But if you can see him, too…"
"I'm dead," I told them. "But that doesn't mean I'm gone. I'll always be here with you, Izzy, watching over you. You know that. I could never leave you. But you can't see me anymore."
"No…"
"Yes, Izzy." I laid her on the bed and gave her a gentle kiss. It seemed to go on forever. "I love you."
"I love you, too…please don't go…"
"Sweetheart, I have to. If I could, I would stay with you forever. I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted to marry you. We didn't get that chance, Izzy, but we will, someday. And until then, I need you to do something for me."
"Anything."
"I need you to live. I need you to be happy. I need you to love people and let them love you."
"I don't know how to live without you. I don't want to live without you."
"I know you don't. But you have to. I want you to get married and have children and live your life. I need you to do all the things I won't get a chance to do, sweetie. I need you to live life for the both of us. I know it's hard. Will you do it for me?"
"Yes."
Quickly, I kissed her again, knowing it was the last time my lips would touch hers for a long time. I turned to my friends, smiling a little. "I love you all, and I'll be watching you guys. Max, Michael – take care of my girls. All of them. If you don't, I'll haunt you or something. Liz, Maria – you're the best friends a guy could ever dream of having. I love you both. Tell Kyle that it's not his fault. I know he's blaming himself, and he shouldn't be. All of you…live. Be happy."
I started fading, and Izzy reached out to me. "Do you have to go now? I feel lost when you aren't here. Do you have to leave me?"
I smiled. "You know I'll never leave you. Whenever you need me, I'll be right here. I love you." And then I disappeared. I didn't go anywhere, though. I could never leave her. I can only watch her live.