For so long my life's been sewn up tight
inside your hold
And it leaves me there
without a place to call my own
… so tired now of paying
my dues
I start out strong but
then I always lose…
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will
burn for me
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Today is July 12. I
loathe July 12. It will never be a good
day, not for as long as I live. It
hasn't been since Joanie died, thirty-two years ago today.
Leo came to see today.
He knew what day it was. He
asked me how I was. Every year since
she died, Leo has gotten ahold of me, no matter where I was or he was, and
asked me how I was. And every year I'd
answer the same thing, the truth. No. It wasn't any different this year.
He then asked if I wanted to talk to someone, not
necessarily from here. I knew what he
was hinting at. I told him no, and he
gave me the father-knows-best look, the same one Dad gave me all the time. I reluctantly agreed to go see Stanley.
And I did. And now
I'm sitting here in my dark office, brooding over how stupid I've been for
thirty-two years. I let the guilt of
Joanie's death shackle me. I feel
stupid because I've held this guilt over something I had no control over for
almost all my life. I finally realize
that I did what any typical seven-year-old would do. I ran, assuming Joanie was behind me. But of course she wasn't.
And when I saw my parents again, I thought they were angry that their
beautiful, precious Joanie had died and not their klutzy son. Me.
For years I thought that. But
now I see that they just didn't know how to express how grateful they were that
the flames that consumed Joanie didn't consume me as well. I can't believe I ever thought anything like
that. How stupid of me. But I guess that's the theme of the day.
Leo came back to see me again after I returned. He told Donna not to allow anyone, including
herself, to bother us until he came back out.
He wanted to know how it went.
I poured out everything that I had told Stanley, and what
he had told me. I told him how stupid I
felt for holding on to that guilt for all these years, for letting it shackle
me. How when I got back, I cried. I mourned Joanie all over again, but this
time, I wasn't crying because I felt so guilty like had so many times since she
left. This time it was guilt free. It felt so good. I told him it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my
heart, from me. And all that time, he
just sat there, listening intently, wearing a look of genuine
understanding. I knew it was genuine,
because I know for a fact that he understood.
By the time I had finished, I had started crying all over
and it was over an hour later. Leo had
to go, but before he left, he gave me a hug, a tissue, and told me that he'd be
asking me again next year. And I know
that next year will be different. I can
truthfully answer yes.
I broke free of my shackles today. It feels so good to not have that burden
anymore. Leo has helped so much, as
well as Stanley. I owe it all to them,
and that next year, for the first time ever, I can say yes.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding onto
splitting seams
So take your piece and
leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep
my faith alive
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will
bleed for me
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
