Out of the Light
Part 3 (of 7) - Spike
Post Crush
Spike sat alone in his crypt, his head hurting with all the thoughts buzzing through it, and his heart hurting with all the things that Buffy had said the night before. 'The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.' And he was utterly brassed off. He was mad at himself, mad at Buffy, mad at Drusilla, mad at Harmony, mad at Sunnyhell, mad at the world. His anger at Dru and Harm was just for them being there, for being his ex's, for hurting him, or for letting him hurt them. If Dru had never left him…or if Harmony hadn't been so mindless and eager to be controlled…he shook his head, trying to hide from the thought of a different life.
He was mad at Buffy for de-inviting him. Nothing she could have said would have hurt him as much as that. Her closing him out of her life like that, after he had told her how he felt about her, after he had bared his non-existent soul to her; it was just too much. He wanted to rip her throat out one second, and kiss it the next. He was so confused and hurt; he was out of his mind and didn't know what to do.
He was mad at the town for being the way it was. If it hadn't been a Hellmouth, he would have never come here with Dru in the first place. And Buffy would never have been here defending it. They would have never met.
Spike thought hard for a second, trying to decide if that would have been better. "Its better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all," he muttered to himself. "I wonder if that counts for unrequited love…" He tried not to think of how things could have been.
To drown the thought, he took a long swig of the bourbon that graced his table, and turned up his music. He'd stolen the CD from Xander one day at the Magic Shop, and had been pleasantly surprised with it. 'At least the whelp has good taste in music…' Spike had put this specific song on repeat and had already listened to it upwards of twenty times.
The song expressed everything Spike was feeling about his mistake last night. He felt trapped in the day before, replaying every mistake, thinking of things he could have done differently. He was so annoyed at himself and couldn't get over what a prick he'd been, chaining her up and trying to threaten a confession of love out of her. But, like he had said the night before, he knew what he felt for the Slayer was wrong, but it was there, it was real, and it needed to be dealt with. He had just tried to deal with it in the worst way.
And he had probably lost any chance with her.
**You feel the love, you feel the past,
All the things you thought you had…
Oh, well I woke up in hell today
I woke up depressed and drained
But that's okay 'cause
I promised not to hurt you again
And apparently I'm to blame
But apparently I've been framed
By a memory that won't help
Me when it's happening
Out of the mind
Out of the soul
Out of the light
Out of control**
Her. The Slayer. Buffy. The woman he loved. The woman who hated him for everything he was and everything he had been. He wished that he could just make her understand how much he had changed. But he knew she would never listen now. He'd gone about the whole thing all-wrong last night. He had been out of control, running purely on anger at her earlier rejection, and adrenaline from feeding again. He had acted impulsively, as always, and had formed a less than calculated plan. And she probably hated him even more now than she had before.
**Standing in the middle of yesterday
Where it all went wrong
Where we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
Until it will be okay
Well I promised you I would I change
But I'm an asshole and I'm ashamed
I'm upset 'cause I betrayed everything
That you gave
Will you ever let me explain
Can I beg you to let me stay
Don't quit me
'Cause I'll never let this happen...again**
And he had changed. A great deal. Over the past year, he had tried so hard to help out, and even though his efforts were sprinkled with a few homicidal tendencies, he was, after all, a vampire. But the thing was, he felt bad about them. Like now. Sure he'd made some bad choices yesterday, but he was sorry. He knew he'd been awful and he felt awful about it. But she would never let him justify himself, never let him explain. To her, he was just a soulless demon. Destined to hurt over and over, never meant to change.
**You feel the love, you feel the past,
All the things you thought you had…
Standing in the middle of yesterday
Where it all went wrong
Where we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
Until it will be okay
I'll make it up to you…**
Taking another mouthful of his drink, Spike tried to shake himself out of the gloom. It couldn't be all bad. Angel had killed someone and slept with Drusilla and she still let him back in her life. All he had done was chain her up for a few hours…and threaten her life, but there was nothing new about that. He would make it up to her. He would do whatever it took to prove he'd changed, that he really did love her. He was out of the light now, but once he had her, it would be like walking in the sun again.
Part 3 (of 7) - Spike
Post Crush
Spike sat alone in his crypt, his head hurting with all the thoughts buzzing through it, and his heart hurting with all the things that Buffy had said the night before. 'The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious.' And he was utterly brassed off. He was mad at himself, mad at Buffy, mad at Drusilla, mad at Harmony, mad at Sunnyhell, mad at the world. His anger at Dru and Harm was just for them being there, for being his ex's, for hurting him, or for letting him hurt them. If Dru had never left him…or if Harmony hadn't been so mindless and eager to be controlled…he shook his head, trying to hide from the thought of a different life.
He was mad at Buffy for de-inviting him. Nothing she could have said would have hurt him as much as that. Her closing him out of her life like that, after he had told her how he felt about her, after he had bared his non-existent soul to her; it was just too much. He wanted to rip her throat out one second, and kiss it the next. He was so confused and hurt; he was out of his mind and didn't know what to do.
He was mad at the town for being the way it was. If it hadn't been a Hellmouth, he would have never come here with Dru in the first place. And Buffy would never have been here defending it. They would have never met.
Spike thought hard for a second, trying to decide if that would have been better. "Its better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all," he muttered to himself. "I wonder if that counts for unrequited love…" He tried not to think of how things could have been.
To drown the thought, he took a long swig of the bourbon that graced his table, and turned up his music. He'd stolen the CD from Xander one day at the Magic Shop, and had been pleasantly surprised with it. 'At least the whelp has good taste in music…' Spike had put this specific song on repeat and had already listened to it upwards of twenty times.
The song expressed everything Spike was feeling about his mistake last night. He felt trapped in the day before, replaying every mistake, thinking of things he could have done differently. He was so annoyed at himself and couldn't get over what a prick he'd been, chaining her up and trying to threaten a confession of love out of her. But, like he had said the night before, he knew what he felt for the Slayer was wrong, but it was there, it was real, and it needed to be dealt with. He had just tried to deal with it in the worst way.
And he had probably lost any chance with her.
**You feel the love, you feel the past,
All the things you thought you had…
Oh, well I woke up in hell today
I woke up depressed and drained
But that's okay 'cause
I promised not to hurt you again
And apparently I'm to blame
But apparently I've been framed
By a memory that won't help
Me when it's happening
Out of the mind
Out of the soul
Out of the light
Out of control**
Her. The Slayer. Buffy. The woman he loved. The woman who hated him for everything he was and everything he had been. He wished that he could just make her understand how much he had changed. But he knew she would never listen now. He'd gone about the whole thing all-wrong last night. He had been out of control, running purely on anger at her earlier rejection, and adrenaline from feeding again. He had acted impulsively, as always, and had formed a less than calculated plan. And she probably hated him even more now than she had before.
**Standing in the middle of yesterday
Where it all went wrong
Where we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
Until it will be okay
Well I promised you I would I change
But I'm an asshole and I'm ashamed
I'm upset 'cause I betrayed everything
That you gave
Will you ever let me explain
Can I beg you to let me stay
Don't quit me
'Cause I'll never let this happen...again**
And he had changed. A great deal. Over the past year, he had tried so hard to help out, and even though his efforts were sprinkled with a few homicidal tendencies, he was, after all, a vampire. But the thing was, he felt bad about them. Like now. Sure he'd made some bad choices yesterday, but he was sorry. He knew he'd been awful and he felt awful about it. But she would never let him justify himself, never let him explain. To her, he was just a soulless demon. Destined to hurt over and over, never meant to change.
**You feel the love, you feel the past,
All the things you thought you had…
Standing in the middle of yesterday
Where it all went wrong
Where we made mistakes
I'm sorry for the things I forgot to say
But it won't be long
Until it will be okay
I'll make it up to you…**
Taking another mouthful of his drink, Spike tried to shake himself out of the gloom. It couldn't be all bad. Angel had killed someone and slept with Drusilla and she still let him back in her life. All he had done was chain her up for a few hours…and threaten her life, but there was nothing new about that. He would make it up to her. He would do whatever it took to prove he'd changed, that he really did love her. He was out of the light now, but once he had her, it would be like walking in the sun again.