Title: "Love Happens"

Author: Demeter

Warnings: Duo POV. Yaoi. 1+2, 1XR, 2+H

Disclaimer: All rights and privileges to Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing are trademarks and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated parties. All characters belong to them, and all stories, relationships, ideas are fiction, in no way related to the original storyline. The story, the relationships and original characters within the fic are copyright of the author Demeter.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Did I love you?

Yes.

I would think so.

For you and I, well, we are of two types. You, someone who thought that he loved a beautiful princess, just like the fairy tales. I, someone who knew that the bleakness never disappeared.

We are of two types.

Yeah, we ain't got much to show for our years spent together, fighting, winning, losing, killing. You still went back to your princess, your love. Why?

Because I was like you. I was a fucking killer, someone who you didn't even dare want to go close to. So, you didn't.

It hurt.

You know Hee-chan, it hurt more than when those OZ bastards caught me. It hurt more than when I saw Hilde being carted away to the emergency room. It hurt more than when I saw that Maxwell church had been blown up, and I had Sister Helen die in my arms.

That really hurts.

Maybe now that my life has crashed

And lies around me in shattered pieces;

I don't believe in drinking.

Therefore, I don't.

Even when the nights crawl up to me, wrapping me in their dark and twisted fingers, when the spiders of fear skittle up and down my spines, I'm a stubborn son of a bitch. Not a drop of alcohol passes my lips.

Because there would be no help in drowning.

You're with her and you will never return to this apartment of ours. I wonder if you ever realized that I wanted you for more than sex. That it was more than a one-night stand.

I certainly felt that our relationship was love.

Did you?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I think about you still. When I gaze at the night sky ad see the thousands of twinkling stars, all reaching out to cradle me tenderly in their silky arms. I allow my at-times traitorous mind to dwell on your face, to think about the face that nearly tore apart my existencen.

But tut, never fear. I was always the strong one. I can get past this, because Heero, you aren't EVERYTHING to me.

Only almost everything. I still have Hilde, still have my friends, still have Quatre and Trowa and Wufei. I still have everything else, so no, I'm not desperate to go off and die.

But, yes, it sounds kind of tempting at times.

Maybe now that my hopes for tomorrow

Have flown off like night moths;

Do you remember the first time we met?

It's set in stone within my brain, because, you were the first. The first person to ever catch hold of me in a way that no mind could ever comprehende. The first person to look at me and not have any change in expression.

I've known for the longest time that I'm uncommonly beautiful, but you were the only one to not even blink at seeing me. I mean, Relena, as in love with you as she was, still gave me the unconscious once-over that I'm used to now.

You were standing there, impossibly dressed in spandex and a tank-top, completely oblivious to the fact that it was fifty degrees out and quickly becoming colder. You ignored the ludicrous image of the three of us standing on that deck, all ready to face off. You even didn't notice the fact that you were almost dead.

I remember seeing that blank expression of disbelief in seeing Relena tend to your wounds, the wounds caused by my gun. I guess the fact that someone, anyone, was willing to love you enough to help, stunned your icy heart.

I wish to the almighty Lord that I were the one.

Then maybe, just maybe, I would be the one cuddling next to you in bed.

I still won't stop thinking about you, even as I swear that you no longer occupy my mind to Hilde… Lovely Hilde. She's been with me through thick and thin, never giving up on the idea that perhaps I will love her back eventually.

During the darkest nights, I wish to strangle her, to kill her, because she reminds me of me. All I spent my life for was to make your Prussian eyes look at me with adoration instead of indifference and lust.

All I could see… All I could feel… was the love that you held for Relena. For Little Lady. For the Princess of the fairy tales all kids hear.

After the mind-blowing sex, I would bury my face in the pillow as my mind and heart was wracked with soul-ripping sobs.

Because I knew then and every time afterwards, that no matter what, you didn't… and couldn't love me.

Never.

Ever.

Maybe now that the sweet perfume

From the flowers of my dreams and wishes has faded,

And the petals begin to drop off;

I really thought that I could get through this. You know, in the way that all people do. I've seen dozens of friends go through the same agonizing pain that I went through when you left. They were devastated for a while, and then with the amazing resilience that defines us as humans, they bounced back.

So far, I'm not bouncing back, or even stepping.

I'm trying.

God knows I'm trying.

But it's really hard you know?

What's losing love like? It's like having a part of you ripped out. The part you know will never come back, even if the miracles of medicine manages to produce plastic emotions.

It's like seeing the stars for the first time, then reaching up for them, and then realizing that they will never be within your grasp.

Losing that single emotion feels as if the entire world around you has died, leaving you alone, desolate in a vast lake that no one else will ever swim toward.

It's like sitting in a room, staring at the wall blankly, seeing nothing but the faded rainbows that were part of an era that wasn't so painful.

Yeah, it's like that. And I figured it would go away eventually.

And it hasn't.

What do I do Heero?

Maybe now that the darkness of my fears

Has almost suffocated me;

Time flows very differently in the state of mind I call home to mentality. It quickens and then slows down. Sometimes I feel as if I'm trudging through sticky, waist-high mud. Other times, I feel as if the world is racing by me, the frenzied colors nearly choking me.

And once in a while, time simply stops. Maybe a TV show. Or a moment when I see two people. Or eating melons with Hilde in the kitchen.

I cease to live.

And then I find myself surrounded by worried friends, all crying as I return to consciousness. Each time, it feels as if it is the last, and they dread that moment. They dread the point in the rivers of my life where I don't wake up, where I sleep forever.

But I'm not going to do that.

Why?

Because, as much as I want to, sleeping forever is not an option. I'm not that way. I'm not going to kill myself because I was rejected by you, Heero. I'm stronger than that. My friendships with other people are stronger than that.

If truly did kill myself, then where is the justice, as Wufei would say, in that? You would not care for me any more than before death. The only change that would result from my suicide would be the strain in relationships between you and the group.

Relena would blame herself.

You would blame her… because I know you. I know you would never think that it was your fault, which is why I'm doing this more for Relena than for you. She deserves more than a lifetime of hatred from you… she deserves far more.

So I do not hate her.

Nor do I despise her.

Or think she's a self-righteous bitch who stole my love.

Because she didn't steal your heart from mine.

I've known from the start, that if possible, she would have taken herself out of the running a long time ago. If she had thought there had been no chance between the two of you, she would have left the arena and smiled at us, even if her heart was breaking.

And partially because of that, I will not stoop to such a level, such an indignity as dying without cause… I will never give up.

Duo Maxwell is made of much finer stuff. 

Maybe now that my heart wishes to be broken

To get it over with;

I'm still sitting here, gloomy over your eyes. I can see you on TV everyday. You're the Knight in Shining Armor that accompanies Relena everywhere… all the politicians have long accepted you as part of the eccentric mix Relena brings with her.

Along with the likes of Dorothy and Lady Une.

You know, Heero?

Being alone really does hurt.

Hilde's still not giving up. Not that I'm dissuading her. It's nice, you know, to have someone that devoted to you, willing to give everything in order for you to be happy.

I should know.

I was one of them…

Did you care?

Did you even notice the painstakingly little deeds I attempted for your pleasure? I cooked, I cleaned, hell, I even made the bed… something I loathe to do, as Hilde has found out.

Yet… did you ever notice those love-filled gestures of mine?

No, probably not.

You were too obsessed, concerned, absorbed in the task of looking after Relena, making sure that every place she went, ever step she took, was completely and utterly safe.

Anger doesn't suit me.

Pain just doesn't belong with me.

I'm supposed to be happy… glad… joyful… and in a way, I am. I'm content here with Hilde and my friends. Quatre and Trowa visit every so often. Wufei calls me up once in a while and actually chats, boasting about his kids. Sally's pretty amazing.

I heard Dorothy married some rich guy and has happily settled down to the task of bringing forth peace and atoning for her past deeds. I'm proud of her. I always knew that she could do it if she really wanted to.

Lady Une's doing a good job in taking care of Mari-chan. She's a great kid, once you get to know her. I think she's pushed the memories of Dekim and all that stuff out of her mind.

It's not as bad now.

I think.

Cause when I think of you, it's only the wistful sadness and not the gut-wrenching pain. That's good.

I think.

I think it's time to get past you, Heero.

It really is.

Maybe now that I am stripped of everything

But my naked soul;

I need you Heero.

Right now.

You know…

Why?

Hilde's gone.

Hilde's dead.

She's gone.

She's dead.

Gone…

Dead…

It comes down to this.

Hilde's not coming back… and I just realized how much I need her right now.

Heero… I need you. I don't care if you don't love me. All I need is you. Some sort of sign that you're still willing to care for a friend.

Remember when I asked if you knew how it felt to lose love…?

Let me tell you, losing a friend, a close friend, someone you might have loved is just ten times worse.

Love… that's replaceable.

Eventually.

But Hilde.

She ain't.

I miss her so much now.

Because I just realized…

Just how much I missed her.

Just how much I wish she were right here, right beside me.

If it meant that she would still be alive, then I would marry her… even if she was in her pajamas.

If it meant that she was still safe, then I would capture a star for her.

You know, Heero?

Hilde's gone…

And she's not coming back.

She's never going to bounce into my room, happily singing about her day.

There's never going to be a Hilde special on the dinner menu again.

I won't ever see another black-haired girl without thinking about her.

And you know what else?

What's worse?

I won't feel her soft arms wrap around me… in their attempt to drive away the painful loneliness I once I had.

I can't see the sparkling, endearing gazes that she would cast me while she persuaded my tongue and I to eat.

The wind will no longer ripple through her silky hair, giving me a reason to brush my hands through the strands… the strands are forever silenced.

God.

It's bad. Heero, the God I knew took you and her… both. There's no longer any woman who loves me as dearly as her own life. I've lost the one love that might have been my redemption…

All because I chose you.

I chose you…

And now, I regret it.

Because I realize that at this moment in time, this moment where I am drowning in alcohol… yes, I drink now, because the pain I feel for the loss of Hilde is far worse than any pain you could have ever inflicted on me.

Ever.

Hilde was my savior… and I tossed her away… in favor for memories.

For memories that I just realized I no longer need.

So I change my mind, Heero.

I don't need you.

Not at the moment.

Perhaps in a few days, weeks, months, I'll be sobbing in your arms…

But for now…

No.

I'll remember Hilde.

Because you never did love me.

Memories are enough now.

I won't torture myself over you or Hilde…

So, maybe now, you will let me love Hilde and you in peace.

Maybe now, you will let me love you.

~*~ FINIS ~*~

Angsty, hm? I know I said I was going on a hiatus from Gundam Wing fic writing, but after reading this manga called (roughly translated) "The Thorny Rose's Love". VERY corny title, but trust me, it's one of the best insights into the mind of how a person loves. It's 16 volumes long, and every single one's worth it. So if any of you read Japanese or Chinese, go take a look!

After reading it, I felt this queerest sense that there was a hell lot about love I didn't understand. So this fic came up. Duo's not a character I favor as much anymore, since a lot of people write about him, and I figure there's more than enough coverage for the poor boy… but of course, Relena needs to win SOMETIMES. I mean, I always have Heero hooking up with Duo… now, that's just not fair, so… *evil grin*

And yes, I know the title uses the word 'love' which is almost blasphemy in the cliché-ness… but I got it from this pin which I got from the Aradia Women's Health Center. It was to promote the acceptance of homosexuality. There were a bunch of others like "Boycott Prejudice", "Boycott Homophobia", "I Am Woman Watch Me Vote", "If I cannot make a CHOICE, how am I to have a CHILD", and so many others. Their in my collection of pins that I wear to different functions now.

Anyway, tell me what you all think!

Demeter