Understanding
Part 6 (of 7) - Dawn
Post The Gift
Dawn lay on her bed blaring her music, trying to block out thoughts, trying to block out the world. It had been a week since Buffy's death and four days since her funeral. The funeral had been awful, with almost a hundred people coming out to mourn her sister. People she recognized from Buffy's high school days, people from the college, people she'd never seen before. Her father wasn't there. No one knew where he was, exactly. Angel couldn't make it. Truth be told, he could have come, but couldn't handle it. Willow said he was a mess when she left L.A. All the Scoobies came, of course, all cried. But Dawn didn't. She decided she must be out of tears. Losing the two people who meant the most to her over one year, kind of dried a girl up.
Everyone was being great to her, getting her whatever she wanted, helping out wherever she needed it. They all seemed to understand. The school had understood when she wanted to take off for a week or so, and Dawn had hung up on the principal, who was saying again how sorry she was. The courts understood that she wanted to stay in her house. Evidently, Giles and the council had helped them understand. Tara and Willow understood that she didn't want anything to do with magic anymore. They knew how much it hurt her to think of what she was, what being the Key had done to her family. Xander and Anya understood that she didn't want to be cheered up. After a few days of silence and a lot of slammed doors, they got the point. Spike understood that she didn't want to talk about it. He came over a lot and just sat with her, just in case she wanted to talk, but he never spoke, appreciating her need for silence. And Giles…he understood that she wanted to be alone. He understood that she wanted to blare her music and block out the world.
They still hadn't found her father and Dawn found she didn't care. She found that a lot lately. There was no pain if she didn't care, so she turned off her feelings toward everything. She closed people out of her heart, not allowing herself to care, therefore not allowing people to leave her, hurt her.
The next song started on the CD she had taken from Buffy's bedroom about a week before her death. Dawn hadn't had a chance to listen to it yet, so after going through most of her own CD's she'd put it in. Originally, she just wanted to look at the pictures of the lead singer, who was way hot, but now she needed the music, too. She stared at the ceiling, not thinking about anything, not Buffy, not Glory, not the Scoobies, and certainly not Giles, who was most likely sitting downstairs thinking about her.
**How many times have you been
Pushed around
Is anybody there
Does anybody care
How many times have your friends
Let you down
Is anybody there
Did anybody stare**
The lyrics ran through Dawn's mind, taking her back to the day her mother died. They had stared then, when she was on the floor in her school, crying her eyes out, yelling at Buffy that she was lying, how could she. They had stared at her then, like they had stared at her at Buffy's funeral. They all wanted to fix her, but she wasn't sure what was broken.
**How many times have your friends let you down just open up your heart just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away
Is anybody safe
Does any body pray
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive**
Dawn smiled a little, more of a smile than she'd had in the past ten days, and thought to herself how truly messed up her life really was. 'Its funny,' she thought, 'I don't feel like I've survived.' She didn't notice the small tears gathering in her eyes.
**How many days have you just slept away Is everybody high Is everyone afraid
How many times have you wished you
Were strong
Have they ever seen your heart
Have they ever seen your pain**
The young girl began to think about the past week, and all the times that she had wished everyone away, that she had just stayed in her room, pretending to sleep. She thought about all the times that she had wished Buffy were still alive, that she wished for her sister's inner strengths. She also thought about how she was closing herself off from the pain, never letting anyone see it, or how much she truly hurt. And she began to cry.
**Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive
She get high, she gets lost she gets drowned, by the cost, twice a day every week and all her life**
'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.' Those had been her sister's last words. Her last request. She had wanted Dawn to go out and live her life, not to stay in her room, shut off from the world, shut off from herself. Dawn's tears fell harder as she realized what she had been doing to her friends, to the people that cared about her. Tears of guilt, tears of pain, tears of relief coursed down her face. She knew now that she had to live, for Buffy. She left the song playing and got off her bed. She went to the door, unlocked it, and walked out, looking for Giles.
**Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive**
Dawn finally understood.
Part 6 (of 7) - Dawn
Post The Gift
Dawn lay on her bed blaring her music, trying to block out thoughts, trying to block out the world. It had been a week since Buffy's death and four days since her funeral. The funeral had been awful, with almost a hundred people coming out to mourn her sister. People she recognized from Buffy's high school days, people from the college, people she'd never seen before. Her father wasn't there. No one knew where he was, exactly. Angel couldn't make it. Truth be told, he could have come, but couldn't handle it. Willow said he was a mess when she left L.A. All the Scoobies came, of course, all cried. But Dawn didn't. She decided she must be out of tears. Losing the two people who meant the most to her over one year, kind of dried a girl up.
Everyone was being great to her, getting her whatever she wanted, helping out wherever she needed it. They all seemed to understand. The school had understood when she wanted to take off for a week or so, and Dawn had hung up on the principal, who was saying again how sorry she was. The courts understood that she wanted to stay in her house. Evidently, Giles and the council had helped them understand. Tara and Willow understood that she didn't want anything to do with magic anymore. They knew how much it hurt her to think of what she was, what being the Key had done to her family. Xander and Anya understood that she didn't want to be cheered up. After a few days of silence and a lot of slammed doors, they got the point. Spike understood that she didn't want to talk about it. He came over a lot and just sat with her, just in case she wanted to talk, but he never spoke, appreciating her need for silence. And Giles…he understood that she wanted to be alone. He understood that she wanted to blare her music and block out the world.
They still hadn't found her father and Dawn found she didn't care. She found that a lot lately. There was no pain if she didn't care, so she turned off her feelings toward everything. She closed people out of her heart, not allowing herself to care, therefore not allowing people to leave her, hurt her.
The next song started on the CD she had taken from Buffy's bedroom about a week before her death. Dawn hadn't had a chance to listen to it yet, so after going through most of her own CD's she'd put it in. Originally, she just wanted to look at the pictures of the lead singer, who was way hot, but now she needed the music, too. She stared at the ceiling, not thinking about anything, not Buffy, not Glory, not the Scoobies, and certainly not Giles, who was most likely sitting downstairs thinking about her.
**How many times have you been
Pushed around
Is anybody there
Does anybody care
How many times have your friends
Let you down
Is anybody there
Did anybody stare**
The lyrics ran through Dawn's mind, taking her back to the day her mother died. They had stared then, when she was on the floor in her school, crying her eyes out, yelling at Buffy that she was lying, how could she. They had stared at her then, like they had stared at her at Buffy's funeral. They all wanted to fix her, but she wasn't sure what was broken.
**How many times have your friends let you down just open up your heart just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away
Is anybody safe
Does any body pray
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive**
Dawn smiled a little, more of a smile than she'd had in the past ten days, and thought to herself how truly messed up her life really was. 'Its funny,' she thought, 'I don't feel like I've survived.' She didn't notice the small tears gathering in her eyes.
**How many days have you just slept away Is everybody high Is everyone afraid
How many times have you wished you
Were strong
Have they ever seen your heart
Have they ever seen your pain**
The young girl began to think about the past week, and all the times that she had wished everyone away, that she had just stayed in her room, pretending to sleep. She thought about all the times that she had wished Buffy were still alive, that she wished for her sister's inner strengths. She also thought about how she was closing herself off from the pain, never letting anyone see it, or how much she truly hurt. And she began to cry.
**Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive
She get high, she gets lost she gets drowned, by the cost, twice a day every week and all her life**
'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.' Those had been her sister's last words. Her last request. She had wanted Dawn to go out and live her life, not to stay in her room, shut off from the world, shut off from herself. Dawn's tears fell harder as she realized what she had been doing to her friends, to the people that cared about her. Tears of guilt, tears of pain, tears of relief coursed down her face. She knew now that she had to live, for Buffy. She left the song playing and got off her bed. She went to the door, unlocked it, and walked out, looking for Giles.
**Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we're alive
Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up but we'll survive**
Dawn finally understood.