Without You
*****
Hey hey, it's a sunny day...
The morning light poked its fingers into Sakura's eyes and made her squint. She rubbed at them.
The day stretched before her, bleak and empty. There was a chill like an ice blanket wrapped around her heart, with cold seeping down to congeal in her stomach. Her whole middle felt like a black hole, spinning empty nothingness.
Sakura's skates lay almost forlornly by the door. She passed the by and began the long trek to school.
Lifting her feet had never been so hard! It felt like wading through knee-high water.
The desk behind her was empty, of course. A chill wind tripped up her spine. She placed her bag on the desk, just so something was there.
The clock's hands moved. The day progressed. Commuters went to work. Everything went on as it always had. The world was exactly the same as it had always been, except for one incredible void that couldn't be filled.
Sakura looked out the window. The birds were singing. Why? How? The sun was shining hard down on them. Didn't any of these things understand what had happened? How was everything the same as it always had been? She couldn't understand how life could just go on.
"Sakura, stop hitting your head on your desk. Your face is going to warp." Zachary said, passing by her desk. "Come on, don't you want to go to lunch?"
The grass was so green. How? Sakura ripped fistfuls of it up as she watched a soccer ball bounce to the end of the field because no one was there to kick it away.
The grass was too green. "Well, I don't..." Madison was saying, rather hotly for her tranquil disposition.
"You must be kidding!" Chelsea shrieked in answer.
"Madison, you were the first to..." Rita argued.
"You guys? I need to talk," Sakura began.
"I can't believe you'd say that!" Chelsea shrieked.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Nikki added.
Sakura gave up and watched the cars go by. It appeared as though they hadn't even heard her. She would have said they didn't even know she was there until they turned to her as a unit to shriek, "What do YOU think, Sakura?"
She did not turn to face them; she'd crumbled slowly to sit amidst the green grass, legs tucked beneath her. Her eyes were on the cars-where were they going? Where did the roads go? Why was it so far?
For a second it was though she was just eyes, and her whole world was locked on roads, and how they led people away, too far away. Or a ghost, ignoring its lifeless shell. She heard herself reply.
"How far," the dead girl said, "do you think Tokyo is from Hong Kong?"
Most of them were stunned speechless, but Chelsea, Chelsea who had a reply for everything, spoke for them. "Sakura! We're in the middle of a crisis, here, and all you can think about is your precious Li! Some friend you are!" One by one they stalked off, angry wolves splitting from the pack.
Sakura could not tear her eyes from the road, shimmering as it was in the heat.
*****
It was dark when she began the long walk home. The streetlamps began to flicker and blink to life on the avenue. The shadows dogged her weary feet as the gate swam towards her, slowly.
Tori and her father were in the kitchen, laughing and talking at a deafening tone, or so it seemed. She drifted past them, up to her room.
She put her books away, turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio, then curled in bed. If she was going to be surrounded by noise, she wanted it to be her choice of noise. She fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of impossibly green grass by a road that simply would not end, no matter how fast she ran.
Waves buffeted her back and forth, dark ones. Tori was shaking her. "Squirt. You have a phone call."
Sakura sat up, brushing at her cheeks. She took the phone. "Madison, I'm sorry about today-"
"Ying Fa?"
Only one person called her that. She felt every nerve sizzle. "Is this Li?"
"Sakura. It's me. I'm in Hong Kong," Li said, underwater and far away.
So far away! Her heart gave a little leap. It seemed as though she had to get everything said in the next minute. "Li, I miss you! Li, how have you been? How is Meilin? Are you okay?"
He laughed, that growling laugh she loved so well. "Sakura. I'm fine. Meilin is fine. She said to tell you hello. How are you?"
She trembled. Her voice felt it the worst. "Okay," she said shakily. There was no way to transmit to him the emptiness of birdsong, the green grass, the lights on the avenue. "I'm getting by."
"I never realized how quiet it is here," he said, his voice quiet and full of some kind of awe. Maybe he did understand. He tried to regain his composure; being an experienced observer of the Little Wolf, she understood. "How is school? How's Madison?"
She did not want to mention the fighting, the distance between her and her friends. "Fine."
Li's voice was thick with emotion. "I miss you, Ying Fa."
She gripped the phone. "I miss you too, Li."
One of Li's sisters was teasing him about his "girlfriend". He ignored her.
"I might be able to come back in the spring," he said. "I'm trying to work it out."
"That would be wonderful!" Sakura said quickly, unable to hold it back. It seemed he was nearer already. "We can do all the things we used to do, like you still lived here." The need to believe, to pretend, was eating her from the inside. "I can't wait."
"Neither can I. I hate it here. I don't have any friends." His laugh was bitter. "I even miss Zachary's stories."
Sakura laughed; that was her Li, peeking out from behind the Little Wolf's voice. The laugh deteriorated into the beginning of tears. "I'm so lonely without you!"
"It's still the same," he said firmly. "Nothing can change how I feel." In the distance, someone called his name. "It's long distance. I have to go."
"I miss you," Sakura said again, tangling her hand in the phone cord as if that could keep him longer. "I think about you all the time. I miss you so much."
"Wo ai ni, Ying Fa Neui," Li said softly, perhaps to keep it from his housemates.
Sakura smiled. "Me too. I mean-" She dropped her voice to a whisper. 'I love you, too."
"Good night, Sakura."
"Oyasumi Li."
He made her feel so safe in a world that cared nothing for them. How could he do that? How could simply his voice on the phone make her feel like there wasn't the entire span of an uncaring universe between them? As if, if she just closed her eyes and wished, his arms would be around her, shielding her?
Somehow, the night seemed less of a predator now. The lights on the avenue seemed less like hungry eyes than like...
...night lights.
*****
Ever been in a crowded room and feel more alone then you've ever felt in your whole life?
*****
Hey hey, it's a sunny day...
The morning light poked its fingers into Sakura's eyes and made her squint. She rubbed at them.
The day stretched before her, bleak and empty. There was a chill like an ice blanket wrapped around her heart, with cold seeping down to congeal in her stomach. Her whole middle felt like a black hole, spinning empty nothingness.
Sakura's skates lay almost forlornly by the door. She passed the by and began the long trek to school.
Lifting her feet had never been so hard! It felt like wading through knee-high water.
The desk behind her was empty, of course. A chill wind tripped up her spine. She placed her bag on the desk, just so something was there.
The clock's hands moved. The day progressed. Commuters went to work. Everything went on as it always had. The world was exactly the same as it had always been, except for one incredible void that couldn't be filled.
Sakura looked out the window. The birds were singing. Why? How? The sun was shining hard down on them. Didn't any of these things understand what had happened? How was everything the same as it always had been? She couldn't understand how life could just go on.
"Sakura, stop hitting your head on your desk. Your face is going to warp." Zachary said, passing by her desk. "Come on, don't you want to go to lunch?"
The grass was so green. How? Sakura ripped fistfuls of it up as she watched a soccer ball bounce to the end of the field because no one was there to kick it away.
The grass was too green. "Well, I don't..." Madison was saying, rather hotly for her tranquil disposition.
"You must be kidding!" Chelsea shrieked in answer.
"Madison, you were the first to..." Rita argued.
"You guys? I need to talk," Sakura began.
"I can't believe you'd say that!" Chelsea shrieked.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Nikki added.
Sakura gave up and watched the cars go by. It appeared as though they hadn't even heard her. She would have said they didn't even know she was there until they turned to her as a unit to shriek, "What do YOU think, Sakura?"
She did not turn to face them; she'd crumbled slowly to sit amidst the green grass, legs tucked beneath her. Her eyes were on the cars-where were they going? Where did the roads go? Why was it so far?
For a second it was though she was just eyes, and her whole world was locked on roads, and how they led people away, too far away. Or a ghost, ignoring its lifeless shell. She heard herself reply.
"How far," the dead girl said, "do you think Tokyo is from Hong Kong?"
Most of them were stunned speechless, but Chelsea, Chelsea who had a reply for everything, spoke for them. "Sakura! We're in the middle of a crisis, here, and all you can think about is your precious Li! Some friend you are!" One by one they stalked off, angry wolves splitting from the pack.
Sakura could not tear her eyes from the road, shimmering as it was in the heat.
*****
It was dark when she began the long walk home. The streetlamps began to flicker and blink to life on the avenue. The shadows dogged her weary feet as the gate swam towards her, slowly.
Tori and her father were in the kitchen, laughing and talking at a deafening tone, or so it seemed. She drifted past them, up to her room.
She put her books away, turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio, then curled in bed. If she was going to be surrounded by noise, she wanted it to be her choice of noise. She fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of impossibly green grass by a road that simply would not end, no matter how fast she ran.
Waves buffeted her back and forth, dark ones. Tori was shaking her. "Squirt. You have a phone call."
Sakura sat up, brushing at her cheeks. She took the phone. "Madison, I'm sorry about today-"
"Ying Fa?"
Only one person called her that. She felt every nerve sizzle. "Is this Li?"
"Sakura. It's me. I'm in Hong Kong," Li said, underwater and far away.
So far away! Her heart gave a little leap. It seemed as though she had to get everything said in the next minute. "Li, I miss you! Li, how have you been? How is Meilin? Are you okay?"
He laughed, that growling laugh she loved so well. "Sakura. I'm fine. Meilin is fine. She said to tell you hello. How are you?"
She trembled. Her voice felt it the worst. "Okay," she said shakily. There was no way to transmit to him the emptiness of birdsong, the green grass, the lights on the avenue. "I'm getting by."
"I never realized how quiet it is here," he said, his voice quiet and full of some kind of awe. Maybe he did understand. He tried to regain his composure; being an experienced observer of the Little Wolf, she understood. "How is school? How's Madison?"
She did not want to mention the fighting, the distance between her and her friends. "Fine."
Li's voice was thick with emotion. "I miss you, Ying Fa."
She gripped the phone. "I miss you too, Li."
One of Li's sisters was teasing him about his "girlfriend". He ignored her.
"I might be able to come back in the spring," he said. "I'm trying to work it out."
"That would be wonderful!" Sakura said quickly, unable to hold it back. It seemed he was nearer already. "We can do all the things we used to do, like you still lived here." The need to believe, to pretend, was eating her from the inside. "I can't wait."
"Neither can I. I hate it here. I don't have any friends." His laugh was bitter. "I even miss Zachary's stories."
Sakura laughed; that was her Li, peeking out from behind the Little Wolf's voice. The laugh deteriorated into the beginning of tears. "I'm so lonely without you!"
"It's still the same," he said firmly. "Nothing can change how I feel." In the distance, someone called his name. "It's long distance. I have to go."
"I miss you," Sakura said again, tangling her hand in the phone cord as if that could keep him longer. "I think about you all the time. I miss you so much."
"Wo ai ni, Ying Fa Neui," Li said softly, perhaps to keep it from his housemates.
Sakura smiled. "Me too. I mean-" She dropped her voice to a whisper. 'I love you, too."
"Good night, Sakura."
"Oyasumi Li."
He made her feel so safe in a world that cared nothing for them. How could he do that? How could simply his voice on the phone make her feel like there wasn't the entire span of an uncaring universe between them? As if, if she just closed her eyes and wished, his arms would be around her, shielding her?
Somehow, the night seemed less of a predator now. The lights on the avenue seemed less like hungry eyes than like...
...night lights.
*****
Ever been in a crowded room and feel more alone then you've ever felt in your whole life?