Sex and the Cemetery
Sunnydale in December. Whereas in, say, New York you'd find people rugged up in their winter best downing hot cocoa, in Sunnydale you'd be more likely to find them sitting by the air cooler downing snow cones.
So it was on a typical warm winters day that I met with Xander and Will for some walk and talk.
"So she wants you. Boohoo! At least you've got some, I don't know, life in your…life," Willow moped.
Xander scratched at his head for a second, looking perplexed. "See, I don't get you. You and Tara have a good 'thing' going on. At least she isn't trying to kill you. Be thankful."
"Oh, Anya is not trying to kill you," Willow replied with an exaggerated eye roll.
"Trust me. If this keeps up, there won't be any life left in my life. Cause I'll be dead. Ergo, lifeless."
"A little less with the death speak, Xand," Buffy intoned.
He glanced at her apologetically. "Oh, right. Sorry. Check; no more death."
"Nah, it's okay. Besides, I always said I'd die before meeting the perfect guy. Well, the perfect guy who isn't a vampire. But, this being round two…or is it three? Anyway, whatever round, I'm ready to kick on with life. Currently being alive, I think it's a valid step."
"Seems like a reasonable choice," Willow added.
"But, since we're on the topic of being without, uh, well let's just say 'being', Will, what's the sitch with you two witches?" Xander inquired.
"That's the thing! There is no sitch! We're sitchless!"
As I listened to Willow and Xander trade stories of over and under lust, I wondered. Was Xander right all this time?
Are all relationships on the Hellmouth doomed?
The more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed. My own attempts at relationships turned out to be life-threatening disasters. Or, even before I started dating someone, they ended up being something evil.
At first I figured it was only my track record. But then I remembered. Willow's own roster had a werewolf, a computer demon and another witch. Xander's was a little more decorated, with a mummy, a praying mantis, a Slayer, an ex-demon and Cordelia.
Not to mention Spike, who so won't be mentioned.
Even Dawn, at fifteen, was having a crisis.
"Did he look? Is he looking?"
Michelle, another mid teen, discreetly glanced out the corner of her eye. "No…oh, no wait! No! Don't turn around! He'll know you know that he's looking."
"Maybe that's good. Maybe eye contact is good," Dawn suggested.
"Um, excuse me? What universe are you from? You don't want him. You aren't even interested."
"How's that supposed to help?" Dawn asked, incredulous.
Michelle gave her the gaze of an experienced soldier. "Trust me. Remember Kevin?"
"You went out with him for three days."
"Totally! If you want Brad, you have to start playing things less obvious. 'Cause my mom always says, less is more. Oh, head down. Here he comes."
Brad. The suave guy of Dawn's year level. The one that all the girls wanted to be with, and all the guys wanted to be.
"Uh, hey Dawn," he clumsily said by way of greeting. Dawn, under the instructions of her guru, Michelle, waiting a moment before giving him her attention.
"Hey," she casually replied.
And that was that. For the next minute they sat and nodded like two people who have nothing to say always do.
"So how'd it go?" the younger Summers' asked as soon as the object of her desire was out of earshot.
"Oh, he's so in to you," Michelle confirmed.
The game of cat and mouse was on. Meanwhile, Xander played mouse to Anya's cat. As for Willow, she was a cat who may as well have been playing with a ball of wool.