Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters, places, and ideas belong to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, not me.
by Auror5
Since the confrontation with the Head Girl, Lily, Fiona, Samantha, and Daisy avoided her path. However, even into early November, they continued to discuss and speculate on the late Professor Munchausen's death. They spent numerous hours in the library trying, unsuccessfully, to find literature on deaths that occurred at Hogwarts. The only place they had not looked was the restricted section, of which a written permission from a professor was required. They did not have a prayer of receiving one. However, they did discover in Hogwarts, A History that there were a number of spells and enchantments protecting Hogwarts. This made them feel slightly better.
***
"I have an idea. Let's ask Binns," Lily said, startling Fiona out of doze.
"Hmmm, what?" Fiona replied, sleepily.
They spent the last two hours in the library poring over books, which were spread out on the table in front of them. Fiona had fallen asleep with her head on a volume.
"Wake up, Fi. Let's ask Binns. He would know if there were any deaths, besides his, that occurred on Hogwarts property. Come. Let's go. He should still be in his office," Lily said while checking her watch.
"All right."
They grabbed their items and rushed from the library.
As they were climbing the stairs, Lily said in a hushed voice, "Perhaps we should not ask him right off. He may become suspicious if we do. We could ask him, er, does he know of anyone who has died on Hogwarts property in the last, erm, thirty years."
"That won't work, Lily. He may just say that he did. How about if we ask him, how many people died on Hogwarts property during the last thirty years?"
"Yes, that'll work. But, he may think we're only asking about people who died of old age or something. How about if we ask him if he knows anyone who has been killed on Hogwarts property during the last thirty years? Binns wasn't killed, so it'll be all right to ask."
"Yes, that...."
"OOOOOOOH!" Lily and Fiona said in unison when something warm, wet, and sticky splattered their faces.
They wiped the mess from their eyes.
"WHAT?!" Lily exclaimed when she saw raspberries on her hands. She then spotted Peeves at the top of the stairs staring at them wickedly with two pies in his hands.
"PEEVES!" Lily and Fiona screamed, and ran up the last few steps after him.
Peeves laughed merrily, threw the remaining pies at them, and struck them both. They looked like a berry-stained nightmare. They were so angry that they recklessly proceeded to give chase.
"I HATE YOU, PEEVES!" Lily said.
"OOOH, WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU!" stated Fiona.
Peeves zoomed away, zigzagging down corridors, laughing, and making bizarre faces at them. Lily and Fiona gave a worthy pursuit. Peeves disappeared into a wall.
"HERE, FIONA! LET'S TAKE THIS CORRIDOR ON THE LEFT!" Lily said, gasping.
As they rounded the corridor, they collided into Mr. Filch, and nearly knocked him over.
"WHAT? THERE IS TO BE NO RUNNING IN MY CORRIDORS! PUNISHMENT FOR YOU TWO! WHAT? WHAT?!"
It dawned on Filch that Lily and Fiona were a mess of berries. He looked down and spied berries on himself.
Furious, with face red and a vein throbbing prominently on his forehead, he said, "Come with me, you devilish, rotten witches! Running and dirtying my corridors, you two are. This calls for drastic punishment. Come!" He grabbed their arms painfully.
"But, but, Mr. Filch, it wasn't...."
"Quiet, missy! I already know what you're going to say. And I tell you: I don't want to hear it! Not a word, I say! You're guilty. I saw you both running in and befouling my corridors. No more gabbing or I'll make things worse for you."
Lily made no further attempt at explanations. They were dragged down into Filch's cramped office, which had a number sinister or painful appearing objects hanging from the walls. His office smelled like old socks and unwashed armpits.
"Now, lets see. Fiona McKinnon. Offence: running in the corridors and, er, vandalizing Hogwarts property."
"What?!" Fiona stood up. "Sir, we were..."
"SHUT YOUR GOB AND SIT DOWN, YOU LITTLE TWIT! PUNISHMENT: clean all toilets on the first floor WITHOUT magic."
Lily and Fiona glared at him.
"Sir, may I say something?" Lily ventured.
"No! Hmm, Lily Evans. Crime: running in the corridors, vandalizing Hogwarts property, and, erm, insolence."
Flabbergasted, Lily stared at him.
"Punishment: clean all toilets on the second floor and mop the corridors, ALL OF THEM, on the third floor. Yes, that should do it."
"Please sir, this isn't fair," said Lily.
"Why isn't it fair, missy? Please explain to Argus Filch why he should let you two criminals go without punishment."
"You didn't hear our side of the story!" Fiona blurted, shooting daggers with her eyes at Filch.
"Your story? Your story! You don't have a story. Neither of you do! I caught you red-handed."
"But you don't know why we were running!" Fiona retorted.
"Absolutely no running in the corridors!"
"Sir? Please, it wasn't our fault," Lily implored. "We were walking up the stairs when Peeves threw pies at us!"
"WHAT? PEEVES? WHAT KIND OF PIES?"
"Raspberry and blueberry."
Filch's face swelled and became an alarming shade of purple. He leapt from his chair, and ran into an adjoining room muttering words too foul to repeat as he went.
Perplexed, Lily and Fiona gazed at each other. They then heard a loud scream from Filch. Irate, he returned to the office.
"Peeves, I'm going to get you. Took my berry pies, he did! Berry pies me mum made for me birthday. My pies. Looking forward to eating them tonight, I was. I will get you, Peeves," he muttered as he rummaged about in his desk.
"Erm, sir, we ran in the corridors trying to catch Peeves," stated Lily.
"Yes, yes, berry pies are gone. Peeves is rotten. Told Dumbledore many times to banish him. A big pain in the arse, he is. You two can go now. Run along. I will take care of Peeves."
"Erm, you aren't going to punish us?" Fiona said incredulously, and earned a slap on the arm from Lily.
"Let's go, Fi," Lily hissed, dragging Fiona from the office by the arm.
Filch paid them no mind.
At the end of the corridor, they looked at one another and began to giggle. They laughed so hard that they ended up doubled up on the floor. Their tears of glee made tracks through their berry-stained faces. When their laughter subsided, they headed for the common room.
"Let's do start calling him 'Mr. Berry Pie,'" giggled Lily.
"Phoenix Song," Fiona said as they reached The Fat Lady.
"What happened to you two?" James and Sirius inquired.
"Peeves threw Filch's pies at us," replied Lily.
Sirius and James glanced at each other, then at them, and started laughing.
"Oh, shut up!" Fiona said as they ran up the spiralling stairs leading to the girls' dormitory.
As they were washing the berry juice from their faces, Lily told Fiona, "We can ask Binns after lesson tomorrow."
"All right."
***
Lily sluggishly looked around and observed that half the class was asleep and the other half was either in a stupor or reading magazines. Professor Binns continued to drone on about an international hag convention.
"Fi," Lily whispered to Fiona, who had fallen asleep with her head on the desk. "Fiona, wake up." Lily poked her with a quill.
"Mmfff, whaaaat?"
"I'm going to find out whether Binns knows that he's dead. Now."
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch." Lily wrinkled up two rolls of parchment into a large ball.
She waited for Professor Binns to turn his back. None of the other students were paying attention to her.
Professor Binns turned his back and Lily threw the parchment ball at him. It went through his upper torso and hit the blackboard. He quickly turned around and stared out at the students. A few roused from their stupor when the parchment struck the blackboard. Professor Binns resumed his original drone.
He turned to the blackboard again, and this time Lily threw a parchment ball through his head. It bounced off the board and onto the floor. Several students giggled. Sirius, now alert, grinned and winked at Lily. He rolled up a large ball composed of five rolls of parchment. Professor Binns glared at the class. He then returned to his drone about hags. Lily and Sirius let loose with their parchment balls as soon as his back turned. More students giggled. Professor Binns whipped around.
"I will not tolerate this type of behaviour in my class. Now, pay attention and stop throwing parchment at me! Where was I?" After a brief hesitation, he resumed his monotonous lecture.
Binns presented his back again, and this time more than half the class, including Fiona, James, Remus, and Peter threw parchment at him.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING TREATED IN SUCH A FASHION. DON'T THINK THAT BECAUSE I AM A GHOST I DON'T MIND HAVING PARCHMENT THROWN THROUGH ME! Yes, I know I am ghost! The behaviour of this class today has been despicable! Despicable, I say!"
He directed his angry gaze onto James and Sirius. "Patter and Blink, I know you two are behind this! Always wallowing in illogical behaviour. Fifty points from Gryffindor!"
Once the class settled down and nearly everyone returned to their original stupor, Lily leaned over and whispered to Fiona, "Now we know he knows that he is dead."
After the lesson was over, Lily and Fiona approached Professor Binns.
"Er, sir, we have a question."
"Yes, what do you want to know, Miss Egghead?" Professor Binns replied, irritably.
"Erm, we would like to know how many people were killed on Hogwarts property during the past thirty years."
Professor Binns peered at them suspiciously.
"Why, Miss Evolve?"
"We're just curious, sir."
"Three. There have been three murders."
"When was the last one?" Fiona piped up.
"Well, I really shouldn't tell you two this, Miss McKibble."
"We won't tell anyone, sir. Promise," Lily responded.
"Oh, all right. The last one occurred just this year, in late spring."
Lily and Fiona glanced at each other.
"Sir, how was, er, the person killed?"
"Miss Eggplant, that is a bit too much for your tender ears to know. All I will say is that it was quite gruesome, the killing that was. Sick, really. Now, I must prepare for my next lesson. Run along now." Professor Binns then sailed into the blackboard into his adjoining office.
Sighing, Lily said, "Well, Fi, he didn't tell us what we didn't already know."
"But, we do know now, Lily, that there has been at least three, three, murders on Hogwarts property.
***
About a week later, rumours were flying around the school about a boy whose eye was nearly poked out by the Whomping Willow. Most of the first year boys and a number of older ones would dare one another to run up and try to touch the willow's trunk. A few reckless ones managed to get hit by the tree, resulting in minor bruises and cuts. The school found out, courtesy of Bertha Jorkins, that it was David Gudgeon, a second year Hufflepuff, who had nearly lost his eye. Madam Pomfrey had to close the curtains to the hospital wing to prevent students from walking by trying to peek in at David. Shortly after the incident, Dumbledore told the students that they were forbidden to go near the Whomping Willow. If any student disobeyed, that student would be expelled from Hogwarts. It was David's eye that really kept the students away.
***
One night, while sitting on her bed writing separate letters to her parents regarding Christmas presents, Lily was hit on the head by a thrown pillow. Startled, she glanced up and saw Fiona, Daisy, Ivy, and Samantha staring at her with grins on their faces. Lily narrowed her eyes, and said, "All right, which one of you threw it?"
"Writing a letter to Professor Konrad, Lily?" inquired Daisy mischievously.
"No!" Lily responded, blushing. "It's to my parents. See?" She presented the parchments to them.
Laughing, Samantha threw a pillow at Lily. "Here! A kiss from Konrad!"
Lily narrowed her eyes at Samantha, grabbed her wand, pointed it at her pillow, and shouted, "Leviosa." She then punched the pillow across the room at Samantha. It flew off course and hit Ivy. In a few short minutes, the girls were engaged in a noisy pillow fight. Snowball crawled beneath one of the beds to stay out of the firing line. Fiona, Samantha, and Ivy's owls were hooting in consternation.
Melissa Snoflache, a prefect, stormed into the room and angrily shouted, "WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?"
The girls stopped and stared at Melissa.
"Lily, this must be your doing. After all, isn't hitting one another with pillows a Muggle sport?" Melissa said.
"She didn't start it, Melissa. It was me," admitted Fiona.
"Regardless of who started it, it is a Muggle sport, and therefore Lily must be held responsible for encouraging it. Now please go to bed." She left, and shut the door behind her.
"Why does she have a problem with Muggles?" Ivy whispered after they were all in bed with the lights out.
"I don't know," replied Samantha pensively. "Some witches and wizards are like that, prejudiced against Muggles."
"Lily, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble," Fiona said with a tremulous voice.
"Don't worry, Fi. I'm not mad. Melissa does seem to have a problem with Muggles, though. Perhaps I should stay out of her way. Let's not do anything when she's around."
***
One Saturday, Lily and Fiona were sitting in a corner of the common room hatching a plot.
"We must teach that Azusa Slytherin girl a lesson, Lily. She's always picking on you, calling you 'Carrots.' I mean really. Your hair is not even red. It is, but it's quite dark. It's almost auburn."
"Yeah. Oh!"
"What?"
"I have an idea."
"Okay, what is it?"
"Let's send a singing card to Professor Konrad from Azusa, a singing love card."
"Oooh, you're devious, Lily!"
"Come, we can create one and have it delivered. I saw it in your latest Teen Witches magazine."
They ran upstairs to the room to locate the magazine.
"All right, how about this one? It says that when the card is opened a cupid pops out and sings a love song to the recipient."
"Hmm, that's good," replied Lily. "How about this one? It's meaner. Here, listen. 'Want to show your significant other how much you love him? Deliver the Love Number Ten, and he will simply throw himself at you. Comes complete with a singing cupid and large heart-shaped bubbles that surround your love interest, lifting him up, and carrying him to you. Only two Galleons. Order them while supplies last! We deliver everywhere and anywhere! Our goblins are the swiftest! Send your owl, now!'''
"That's brilliant! Let's do it! We can both give a Galleon."
***
The following Wednesday, while everyone was eating dinner in the Great Hall, a goblin dressed in a Cupid's get-up appeared at the High Table. Lily and Fiona glanced at each other, and stifled giggles. The goblin gave Professor Konrad a large, pink card. Professor Konrad, perplexed, opened it. Suddenly, the hall filled with the sound of a Cupid, floating above Professor Konrad, crooning a love song. Nearly everyone was momentarily shocked speechless. Lily and Fiona were shaking with pent-up laughter. Everyone was held hostage by the singing.
"O, you are so beautiful to me.
Your eyes I love to drown in,
Can't you see?
"O, love, you are so beautiful to me.
I want to hold you,
Can't you see?
"O, my love, you are so beautiful to me.
I want to kiss your delicious lips,
Don't you see?
The Great Hall rang with laughter as Professor Konrad was lifted and carried to the Slytherin table by a number of large pink, heart-shaped bubbles. Professor Konrad was then deposited on the table in front of Azusa Kernville, who was beet red and in shock. Lily and Fiona were rolling on the floor howling with laughter. Azusa jumped up and ran from the hall with her best friend, Tara Yolke, tagging behind. Professor Konrad, smiling devilishly, leapt down and returned to the teachers' table. Eventually the laughter died down."O, dear love, you are so beautiful to me.
Come to Azusa.
She is I,
Don't you see?"
Headmaster Dumbledore, with a twinkle in his eyes said, "Ah! Love! The things it will make us do."