Dear Collins,
Hey, bet you didn't think you'd be getting a letter from me. I know I don't write very often, but things are getting a bit much to handle here. Twenty-something angst and all that - just another day in the life of our Bohemian heroes. But seriously, I don't know how much longer I can keep up my facade. You're the only person I can tell. Roger's a little too... close to the situation. Okay, so he really IS the situation. I think maybe you already suspected this, but I'm in love with him. I have been for years, actually, ever since that day he wrote that song for me. Remember that? It wasn't too long after you moved into the loft. I was really depressed about breaking up with Bethany - correction, being dumped by Bethany - and he told me I was a special person. Remember? And then he played that song and I almost started crying. I mean, I know he was just being a friend and all, but it was the first time I ever believed I was worth something. He gave me that.
But that's not my reason for writing. I mean, I've been in love with him for so long it shouldn't be a problem anymore. It is though, because lately it's been tearing me apart that I can't tell him how I feel and I never will. He doesn't even know I'm gay. Yes, I am gay. It's pretty funny really, after Maureen I haven't been attracted to anyone female. Maybe our relationship did more to both of us than everyone thought, huh? Besides, nobody can even compare to Roger. I don't think he'd be freaked out that a guy liked him so much as he'd be freaked out that it's me. We both know he's dated guys before, even though he seems to be the straightest person in our group, now Benny's gone. I mean seriously... there's you and you're openly gay. There's Maureen and Joanne. There's me whom everyone assumes is gay and there's Mimi who has a pretty interesting history. And then there's Roger - this blonde, talented guitarist with the smouldering eyes and a grudge against the whole world. He seems straighter than a clean-cut college kid, really. Maybe that's part of my fascination with him. Someone like him fits more easily into the mould of homophobic than he does into the mould of bisexual with more gay best friends than he has straight. I can't figure him out, and I love that. I love the challenge.
This wasn't supposed to sound like a pathetic love letter so I apologise for that. I'm just so confused. I can't tell him. It's not worth endangering the friendship over and I don't want him to be watching me constantly to make sure I'm not trying to sabotage his relationship with Mimi. I would never do that - she makes him happier than I ever could, which kills me inside. But I think the hardest thing is just living so close to him. Every time he sits down next to me, or casually slings an arm around my shoulders I get a shiver run up my spine and I freeze automatically. I can't believe he hasn't noticed, actually. I treasure those moments though. And last night the single best and worst thing happened. He slept in my bed. Mimi had some problem with her mattress so she came upstairs to sleep. And she has the flu right now, so Roger gave her his bed. I have a double bed and it was stupid for him to sleep on the couch so he came and slept in my room. In the middle of the night I woke up - Roger had rolled over onto his side and was facing me. His face was two fucking inches from mine and his arm was around my waist. It was torture, but I loved it at the same time. Does that make me sick? Crazy? Perverted? Pathetic? I don't know what to think anymore.
Talk to you soon,
Mark.
Hey, bet you didn't think you'd be getting a letter from me. I know I don't write very often, but things are getting a bit much to handle here. Twenty-something angst and all that - just another day in the life of our Bohemian heroes. But seriously, I don't know how much longer I can keep up my facade. You're the only person I can tell. Roger's a little too... close to the situation. Okay, so he really IS the situation. I think maybe you already suspected this, but I'm in love with him. I have been for years, actually, ever since that day he wrote that song for me. Remember that? It wasn't too long after you moved into the loft. I was really depressed about breaking up with Bethany - correction, being dumped by Bethany - and he told me I was a special person. Remember? And then he played that song and I almost started crying. I mean, I know he was just being a friend and all, but it was the first time I ever believed I was worth something. He gave me that.
But that's not my reason for writing. I mean, I've been in love with him for so long it shouldn't be a problem anymore. It is though, because lately it's been tearing me apart that I can't tell him how I feel and I never will. He doesn't even know I'm gay. Yes, I am gay. It's pretty funny really, after Maureen I haven't been attracted to anyone female. Maybe our relationship did more to both of us than everyone thought, huh? Besides, nobody can even compare to Roger. I don't think he'd be freaked out that a guy liked him so much as he'd be freaked out that it's me. We both know he's dated guys before, even though he seems to be the straightest person in our group, now Benny's gone. I mean seriously... there's you and you're openly gay. There's Maureen and Joanne. There's me whom everyone assumes is gay and there's Mimi who has a pretty interesting history. And then there's Roger - this blonde, talented guitarist with the smouldering eyes and a grudge against the whole world. He seems straighter than a clean-cut college kid, really. Maybe that's part of my fascination with him. Someone like him fits more easily into the mould of homophobic than he does into the mould of bisexual with more gay best friends than he has straight. I can't figure him out, and I love that. I love the challenge.
This wasn't supposed to sound like a pathetic love letter so I apologise for that. I'm just so confused. I can't tell him. It's not worth endangering the friendship over and I don't want him to be watching me constantly to make sure I'm not trying to sabotage his relationship with Mimi. I would never do that - she makes him happier than I ever could, which kills me inside. But I think the hardest thing is just living so close to him. Every time he sits down next to me, or casually slings an arm around my shoulders I get a shiver run up my spine and I freeze automatically. I can't believe he hasn't noticed, actually. I treasure those moments though. And last night the single best and worst thing happened. He slept in my bed. Mimi had some problem with her mattress so she came upstairs to sleep. And she has the flu right now, so Roger gave her his bed. I have a double bed and it was stupid for him to sleep on the couch so he came and slept in my room. In the middle of the night I woke up - Roger had rolled over onto his side and was facing me. His face was two fucking inches from mine and his arm was around my waist. It was torture, but I loved it at the same time. Does that make me sick? Crazy? Perverted? Pathetic? I don't know what to think anymore.
Talk to you soon,
Mark.