My dear Collins,
When I read your letter I didn't know how to react. I stared blankly for a while. Then I started crying. I cried about Angel, I cried about unrequited love and I cried because I managed to lose one of my best friends because I'm too fucking selfish. I don't even know if you'll read this, but I wanted to thank you. You woke me up... I also learned that the best way to deal with this pain is to focus on something else. Like maybe my friends for a change. Apologies aren't going to work, I know that. But even when you wrote that letter you were still helping me. I was so used to seeing myself as poor little misunderstood Mark. I always have been, you know that. Hiding it only made it more obvious. I needed everyone to care about me and my problems. So my friends have AIDS. So Mimi almost died. So Collins lost a real angel to Heaven... it doesn't matter because hey, look at me, I'm Mark and I have problems!
I can't believe I was so childish. You're right - I pride myself on being the observer. Traditionally someone in that role is usually wise and mature. Well someone sure fucked up with me then. Couldn't get past my own petty problems to see people that really need help. I'm so ashamed about what I wrote. I think I aged about twenty years when I got your letter. I think I finally grew up.
How could I have assumed Angel wasn't - no, it's no good dwelling on it. I can't change what I said or how it made you feel. If you'd written to me and you were upset would I reply? Looking back at your old letters, you were so supportive and caring and never once mentioned your problems. Would I have done that? As much as I hate to have to face facts, I don't think I would have. I would have turned it to me. I always turn it to me. I do live in a fantasy world. Well, I should say lived, since I guess you cured me of that too. Just after Angel died Roger said I hid in my work so I didn't have to face my failure or the fact that I live a lie. I got so mad at him, but... it was true. I shut off from the rest of the world and just saw what I want to. And I guess I never stopped. You can help Mark with his problems but he only sees what he wants to about everyone else's.
This probably sounds like I'm pitying myself again but I'm not, I'm honestly not. I'm marvelling at how I could change so suddenly into a person that I actually like. I guess I never really did like myself. Now I can deal with Roger. I'm going to try to turn that love into a positive thing. Which makes me think... were you just trying to bring me into reality with that letter? Because if not, I feel for you. Not pity or anything just love. You say reality is a hell. But it doesn't have to be, Collins. Didn't Angel teach us that? She was the original optimist, I think. It wasn't even that she saw the good in things - it was like the bad didn't even exist. You used to be like that when you lived with us. Don't you remember? I guess that has its downside. I guess none of us listened to your problems because you were the cheerful one and we figured you didn't have any. Is that why you and Angel were so close? Did you finally have someone to share with? I'm sorry you've lost that. I can't say I'll be like Angel - nobody could be like her - but if you ever need a friend, I will be here and I will listen. Not that you'll ever want to talk to me again.
Try to let go of your pain and remember Angel with a smile instead of a tear. I know it will take time. I can't do it yet, and she meant so much more to you. But remember to smile again, Collins. Angel didn't want you to just survive in this world, she wanted you to live. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I laughed at the idea of you and Benny. Just more proof I really was wrapped up in myself.
You know something? The letter you wrote is so angry. But I think Angel would have been proud of you. I'm so grateful, that's why I had to write back even though I know there's almost no chance you'll read this. I'm still going to make mistakes while I learn how to be an adult in the 'real' world, but if you hadn't written back to me like you did I'd still be wallowing in self-loathing and pity. Maybe right now I don't know how you feel, but I'm going to try to understand. The silent, detached member of our group is finally going to notice everyone around him. You saved me, Collins. I owe you so much. Thank you for helping me through my problems with Roger, just like I believed you would.
- Mark.
When I read your letter I didn't know how to react. I stared blankly for a while. Then I started crying. I cried about Angel, I cried about unrequited love and I cried because I managed to lose one of my best friends because I'm too fucking selfish. I don't even know if you'll read this, but I wanted to thank you. You woke me up... I also learned that the best way to deal with this pain is to focus on something else. Like maybe my friends for a change. Apologies aren't going to work, I know that. But even when you wrote that letter you were still helping me. I was so used to seeing myself as poor little misunderstood Mark. I always have been, you know that. Hiding it only made it more obvious. I needed everyone to care about me and my problems. So my friends have AIDS. So Mimi almost died. So Collins lost a real angel to Heaven... it doesn't matter because hey, look at me, I'm Mark and I have problems!
I can't believe I was so childish. You're right - I pride myself on being the observer. Traditionally someone in that role is usually wise and mature. Well someone sure fucked up with me then. Couldn't get past my own petty problems to see people that really need help. I'm so ashamed about what I wrote. I think I aged about twenty years when I got your letter. I think I finally grew up.
How could I have assumed Angel wasn't - no, it's no good dwelling on it. I can't change what I said or how it made you feel. If you'd written to me and you were upset would I reply? Looking back at your old letters, you were so supportive and caring and never once mentioned your problems. Would I have done that? As much as I hate to have to face facts, I don't think I would have. I would have turned it to me. I always turn it to me. I do live in a fantasy world. Well, I should say lived, since I guess you cured me of that too. Just after Angel died Roger said I hid in my work so I didn't have to face my failure or the fact that I live a lie. I got so mad at him, but... it was true. I shut off from the rest of the world and just saw what I want to. And I guess I never stopped. You can help Mark with his problems but he only sees what he wants to about everyone else's.
This probably sounds like I'm pitying myself again but I'm not, I'm honestly not. I'm marvelling at how I could change so suddenly into a person that I actually like. I guess I never really did like myself. Now I can deal with Roger. I'm going to try to turn that love into a positive thing. Which makes me think... were you just trying to bring me into reality with that letter? Because if not, I feel for you. Not pity or anything just love. You say reality is a hell. But it doesn't have to be, Collins. Didn't Angel teach us that? She was the original optimist, I think. It wasn't even that she saw the good in things - it was like the bad didn't even exist. You used to be like that when you lived with us. Don't you remember? I guess that has its downside. I guess none of us listened to your problems because you were the cheerful one and we figured you didn't have any. Is that why you and Angel were so close? Did you finally have someone to share with? I'm sorry you've lost that. I can't say I'll be like Angel - nobody could be like her - but if you ever need a friend, I will be here and I will listen. Not that you'll ever want to talk to me again.
Try to let go of your pain and remember Angel with a smile instead of a tear. I know it will take time. I can't do it yet, and she meant so much more to you. But remember to smile again, Collins. Angel didn't want you to just survive in this world, she wanted you to live. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I laughed at the idea of you and Benny. Just more proof I really was wrapped up in myself.
You know something? The letter you wrote is so angry. But I think Angel would have been proud of you. I'm so grateful, that's why I had to write back even though I know there's almost no chance you'll read this. I'm still going to make mistakes while I learn how to be an adult in the 'real' world, but if you hadn't written back to me like you did I'd still be wallowing in self-loathing and pity. Maybe right now I don't know how you feel, but I'm going to try to understand. The silent, detached member of our group is finally going to notice everyone around him. You saved me, Collins. I owe you so much. Thank you for helping me through my problems with Roger, just like I believed you would.
- Mark.