What am I? I've found myself asking myself this question many times since awoke in Arvis's house. I can tell I'm not like normal people, whoever they may be. I can see the dark secrets of my past lurking in the winding corridors of my mind. I can sense the hibernating truth as though its lingering directly in front of my face taunting me, luring me briefly in the right direction, only to leave abruptly, furthering my torment.
Why is it I can use magic naturally, while the only others who can are the result of some sick tests by the Empire? When I first met Celes, I thought maybe I had found a kindred being. I had prayed that I had found a kindred being. But, no. She wasn't. No one ever is.
I can feel something building in me, no…its more like something awakening. And something else…something different. Someone's calling me to them. It started a few days ago, and its getting stronger. So is this thing inside me. It frightens me beyond words. What is it? What is it comes out…no, when it comes out? It's inevitable, this awakening creature. It will come out, and I am powerless to stop it.
I've considered telling some. Perhaps wise old Barron, maybe dear Locke, or even flirtatious Edgar. But what good would it do? They are as powerless against it as I am, more so even, against this awakening creature.
What will happen to them all when this thing arrives? Will it destroy them? Is it some sort of monster? Something from a child's storybook of ghosts, and goblins, and things that go bump in the night? Will it sink piercing fangs into their necks and suck all of the blood from their thrashing bodies? Will it grind their bones to bake its bread? Or will it merely crush them underfoot?
What will happen to me when this creature awakens? Will I become like it is now? Locked away in its mind, scratching to be let out? Will I become apart of it? Become one with the maddening creature that haunts my mind? Or will I simply cease to exist? Will I merely fade away?
The call is growing stronger…more urgent, almost as if the one who calls is frightened like me. No…they are not frightened, the call seems impatient if anything. Maybe it is angry that I cannot answer? Perhaps…perhaps it is not that I cannot answer, merely that I will not. Yes, this is what angers them. I do not wish to go with them. I will not go with them.
And yet…there is something deliciously tempting about this caller. Something tantalizingly desirable. Something almost…familiar. As though I knew them in a past life, perhaps even this life.
There is so much about this life that I do not know, so much I can't remember. So much I wish I could. Did I have a mother and father? Did they love me? Has anyone ever loved me? Have I…ever loved anyone? Love…will I ever know it? Will the creature allow me to know it?
At once this sounds like a silly question. This creature, this awakening presence hasn't disallowed me to do anything. In fact, its been almost helpful in ways. My magic is strengthening. And my strength has grown outstandingly. The others think that I am merely honing my skills with experience, but I know that that is not it. I can not say how I know, I just do it. This presence inside is beginning to take control of me in combat. I don't believe that I could ever fight with the fury that I have been if this presence were not a part of me.
At times I wonder if the others can tell something is disturbing me. Edgar's handsome glance which was once always trying to catch me eye has turned to one of concern on more than one occasion. Locke's caring which he had turned less and less to me and more and more to Celes has begun to find its way back to me through the hours. Even Cyan, poor Cyan, no longer looks at me with the blinding hatred he has for anyone associated with the Empire.
What do they think of me? What do the normal people think of the green haired girl that, by all laws of nature, should not exist? Its just as Edgar said, "No human is born with magic." I should not exist. I should not be here…unless…
Am I human? Or am I something else? Some magical beast parading around in human disguise for all to see? Maybe…maybe I am the monster that haunts children's dreams. Maybe this thing awakening in me isn't some monster or some creature…maybe its me. My past. My truth that I have hunted for so valiantly.
Yes. It finally makes sense. As I stand before this great beast, this Esper, and as the light washes over us, it all makes sense. Acceptance washes over my body and I tremble. The call is stronger than ever now. And for the first time, I want to go to it. I want to find this one who is calling to me and learn what great secrets and old wisdom they might teach me. I want this awakening to come. I need it to come. I need answers.
As the desire overtakes me, my body is no longer my own. My mind is reduced to only that of a primitive animal. All that I have known, all my friends…they no longer exist. Now there is only the enticing call with intoxicating song calling me to it. Begging me to come.
Hold on. I'm coming.