Never Is A Promise --- Fiona Apple
You'll never see - the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
I've finally realized why I'm so protective of Amelia. After all this time I finally realized what she knew all along. I begin to wonder if perhaps my stone skin has seeped into my brain. Three days have passed. I never got the chance to apologize to her for what I said, she wouldn't let me. But it's better this way. The council and her father would never let me marry her. I'm a Chimera.
...I have been thinking about what she said to me that night though. Is being human more then looking like one?
I don't think I'll ever get over the pain she caused by what she told me in the hallway. Amazing how such little things can stick in your memory and borough deep into the heart. She loves me- or did until I hurt her. I lied. I do love. I just can't bring myself to be close to anyone until I can touch them without causing pain. I guess that night proved my point. I can't touch anyone without saying the wrong thing and hurting them.
You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper then I've ever shown - to you
Zelgadis reached up and rubbed the edge of his ear, pausing in his writing then decided it was finished for the night. Closing his book, he shoved it into his pack and looked around his small camp in the forest. He'd left. Just like that, the middle of the day and he'd packed up and left. Zelgadis put his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes and cheeks. He hated the feel of his face. He couldn't bring himself to wonder if perhaps it wasn't his face he hated or the fact that the last person he'd loved had given it to him.
He couldn't stand the thought that perhaps Rezo had hurt him more deeply then he let anyone know. Zelgadis was glad, deep inside, that he hadn't been the one to give Rezo the final blow. He'd called out to his grandfather/great grandfather that time because he'd hoped that the Red Priest who'd been so caring to others would apologize for what he'd done.
Rezo hadn't though. No, instead he'd given Lina the chance to beat Shabranigdo, but he had neglected to apologize to Zelgadis for what he'd done. Zelgadis had worshiped the man from the moment he could walk and followed the priest. The blind leading the blind, so to speak.
Softly, Zelgadis laughed at his own thoughts. "Blind leading the blind indeed," he muttered, throwing another stick into the fire. "I was blind, I still am I think. Rezo may have thought he knew what sight really was, but it's not simply colors and light. You can be blind and still see. Gods, I'm a fool." With that, he curled up to sleep.
You'll say, Don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
Sleep eluded him. Dodging between the shadows from his campfire. Zelgadis simply lay there, wrapped in his cloak, mind sill going despite his attempts to stop it. Finally, he let his thoughts run their course, he couldn't lie to himself anymore, it was too much work.
Amelia didn't understand him, he concluded. She thought she did, but she still had family and friends. She'd only lost her mother. That was all she had in common with him.
Zelgadis stretched, rolling onto his back and linking his hands behind his head. Branches mostly covered the stars but he could see their sparkling light between the leaves. It was mid summer, the festival was probably going on in Seyruun by now, something he despised because it gave people reason to get drunk and laugh at what he looked like.
"Did you mean what you said, Amelia?" Zelgadis asked the stars, "Or have I completely blown it? No. I never had a chance. You're a princess and you have a duty to your people. I could never make a good enough leader for an entire country."
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
Zelgadis turned his back to the fire and cast a sleeping spell upon himself. If sleep wouldn't come naturally, he'd make it. In the morning he would be off deeper into the wilderness. He was determined to do the best for Amelia and Seyruun, and possibly for himself by ignoring his heart and letting her hate him. He wouldn't return. Ever. He figured he would find a cure or die trying. At the moment, though, he somewhat wished for the latter.
The spell took hold and he fell asleep, his fire slowly dying out from being unattended. By morning it was just ashes.