Notes: Heh, hmmm it will be lil clips and flash backs and some future stuff that i through in there. Oh, and some of it might be like the music video for this song.
Heero walked into a room with a small shoe box in his hands. He walked over to his couch and sat down while placing the box on the glass coffee table. To it's right a lighter and a 'Camels' cigarette cartoon opened showing it was newly pack with only 2 missing. Next to the cigarettes is a glass ash tray. He looked at the lighter and picked it up along with a cigarette. Finding smoking a great stress reliever, and being he is still a Perventer at age 23 he still has stress in his life. He put the cigarette in his mouth and rubbed his chin noticing the little fine hairs he had since he had yet to shave today. As he moved his hand from his chin he took the lighter and lighted up the cigarette. He inhaled the cigarette and felt as the nicotine calmed his nerves. He set his lighter down and pulled the cigarette from his mouth using his pointer finger and middle finger. He pushed the smoke out of his mouth and then put the cigarette back to his lips.
He paused for a moment then set the cigarette on the ash tray. He then reached to the shoe box and opened it up. He sighed as the sent of the inside of the box went to his nostrils. The sent of HER. The girl, well women who could take his breath away by just walking into a room. He pulled out a nicely wrote letter and read it over. He then reached into the box again and pulled out a picture. He looked at the picture and set it down. The picture was of Relena Peacecraft at age 21 with her hair fanned out as she sat on the grass smiling brightly. Heero sighed and took another inhale from his cigarette and let the smoke exhale from his mouth.
It's been awhile Since I could hold my head up high
Heero stood up looking down at the sink as he stood in his bathroom. He just couldn't hold his head up high any longer, he felt ashamed, abandoned and selfish all at once, how could these emotions form when the only emotion he knew and just lately learned was love? God must have this cruel plan for him because all he has had in his life is sufferance.
It's been awhile Since I first saw you
-flashback-
Heero jumped up with his space suit on and covered his face. "Did you
see?" he yelled. "See what?" Relena said looking at him with curiosity.
-End Flashback-
It's been awhile Since I could stand on my own two feet again
It's been awhile Since I could call you
Heero looked at the phone and sighed while turning away and walking off into his room to sleep off his feelings. He slowly began to rise but felt to weak to stand so just fell back down.
But everything I can't
remember as fucked up as it
all may seem the consequences
that I've rendered I've stretched
myself beyond my means
Heero sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He remembered how she loved his hair. Heero had fucked everything up and now he is stretched out beyond repair.
It's been awhile Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
It's been awhile Since I could say I love myself as well
Heero stared into the hand held mirror and looked at himself and shook his head. A wreck, that's what he was a wreck. A once well known feared killing machine, now a man who has lost his love and his only chance at gaining his humanity. He looked at the cigarette and picked it up and took a drag from it. He sighed as the pain in his heart wouldn't even go away, with the nicotine or not. He, will never be whole again and he was so addicted to her taste, her taste, her voice, the smell of her hair and the smell of her womanhood when his head was right infront of it, that intoxicating smell. He groaned in frustration, couldn't he have just been honest with his heart? Couldn't he have been honest with her?!
It's been awhile Since I've gone and fucked things
up just like I always do
Heero loved Relena, and he was learning to love himself, but he had to ruin it. He couldn't tell her he loved her, when he himself knew it was true. Why was it so hard to say it?! Why was it so hard to pour his heart and soul out to him? "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?" he screamed out to no one.
It's been awhile But all that shit seems to
disappear when I'm with you
God, everything disappeared when he was with Relena, it was like her and him could do no wrong when they where together. He just had to leave her alone for so long, then come back not even itmit his feelings, why...why can't he act human for once?
But everything I can't remember
as fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again.
Why does he feel this way? Why can't this just go away. He just wants one more peaceful day with her. One more moment to look into her beautiful and serene eyes, one more day to hold her fragile body in his strong arms.
Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away,
Just one more peaceful day
Heero should have said he was sorry more often, he should... he should have paid attention. He should have found his humanity before acting on his emotions towards her, maybe then he could be sleeping in her bed then in his alone...cold.
It's been awhile Since I could look at myself straight
It's been awhile Since I said I'm sorry
He remembers the first night they made love, it was so gentle. It was around candles. He can still remember the way she looked around candles. The way her eyes burned into his soul, knowing everything but nothing all at the same time. She was a god sent creature. God sent that she was, and taken away from a devil sent as he was.
It's been awhile Since I've seen the way
the candle lights your face
He can still remember just the way she taste, it's in his system it's imprinted into his brain. Her body her voice the sent of her hair. Her all together is imprinted into his brain. She was his everything, she was his reason to exist.
It's been awhile But I can still remember
just the way you taste
It was his fault he was this way. He was made this way. He was raised this way. His father didn't want this to happen, his father died. He was forced to become this. He was forced to fail at everything that had to do with emotions.
But everything I can't remember as
fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my
father he did the best he could for me
Heero starred at the cigarette and put it out. He stepped outside into the pouring rain and began to walk around. He found himself at Relena' door step. He was soaked and he looked so lost. He didn't even know why he was here. Then he remembered.
It's been awhile Since I could hold my head up high
He noticed the door opened he finally held his head up high and looked at Relena. She was so beautiful just like he remembered. "Heero? What are you doing here? I thought I made it clear. I can't handle being near you anymore." she said looking as if she was just crying.
and it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
Heero slowly pulled a gun out and put it to his head. "Im sorry." he said and was about to shoot but felt his finger shake on the trigger. 'WHAT CAN'T I DO THIS?! It'll end her pain, and mine...' he thought as his eyes searched hers as if she knew. Relena looked into his eyes trying to find some explanation, but only found confusion, pain, hurt and the fear of being alone. Relena reached for the gun but Heero jerked back. Heero slowly began to calm down, he had to do it, he had to end her pain, he couldn't let her suffer. "Heero, please put the gun down!" she cried out but only in vain.
Heero swallowed the lump in his throat and looked her in the eyes. "Im
sorry, for never saying the things I should have." he said and began to
prepare to pull the trigger. Relena tried to get the gun from him but he
kept backing off. "It doesn't matter, please just don't kill yourself."
she begged. "It does matter.." he said in a harsh tone. "I love you." he
said in a loving tone then pulled the trigger, last thing he heard was
the screaming of Relena's voice saying. "HEERO! NOOOO!!!"
A/N: Hn, I didn't really like it, so I re-did it. So yeah I believe
it's better. R&R please