Title: Kisses & Confessions
Written By: Drea Jackman
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk
Rating: 15 (Overall)
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only?
Series: Eyes Only
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved. All Dark Angel characters
belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!
Dedication: For Cale, who really pushed me to attempt this story.
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.
Author's Note: Set pre-kisses and confessions in 'Meow'. I do realise that
Logan's birthday and the date of the pulse are not as they appear in this fic, but
it made for a more interesting story.
_______________________________________________________________________
Logan held her gaze briefly for a few seconds more as he appreciated her understanding. After
what they'd just done he wondered if she could really mean what he thought she did. 'Does she
wanna be with me? Does she really care?'
Max stared back, her patience wearing impossibly thin. All she wanted to do was pull the strong
figure of the man standing before her, so vulnerable, into her arms and never let him go. She
wanted to make all the pain go away. 'What's it gonna take?' she wondered briefly as her eyes
searched his for explanation.
As he realized there could be the tiniest possibility that she could indeed be feeling that way
about their relationship he also realized that he couldn't lie anymore. He couldn't deny it. Over
the past few weeks they had been getting closer. Way closer than they'd ever been and he
supposed it was because of that reason he was so compelled to reveal himself to her now. With
a sigh Logan finally broke the silence that engulfed both of them.
"I'm sorry." he whispered softly. It was all he could think of saying to begin.
Once Max had heard all of what he had to say he was sure she'd turn away from him. He'd lied
to her, hidden from her and now that it came to confession time he was certain she'd turn away
from him and his hidden truths. Max was going to leave his life and not look back. The arid
desert that was his life would lose the it's little desert rose, the one spark in his otherwise dull
existence.
"I don't understand." Max said quietly, shaking her head gently. "You haven't done anything to
apologize for."
Logan drew in a deep breath and abruptly turned his head away from her to face the dimly lit
interior of his apartment. The upturned wheelchair caught his eye momentarily before he turned
back to Max, his expression deadly serious.
"Max I need for you to listen to me now."
Max only frowned in response, but kept silent as she gripped Logan's hands tighter. She could
feel his heart pounding rapidly beneath the wall of his chest. The seriousness of the situation
was now gripping her completely and it terrified her more than she'd like.
"You're not gonna like hearing this," he continued. "Any of it. I just need for you to listen okay. I
gotta say this."
"Tell me." she said softly.
Logan nodded slowly and brought their hands down from his chest releasing her right hand.
Keeping her left securely in his, he walked over to the couch and gestured for her to sit.
Grudgingly Max complied and Logan sat on the table opposite her. Almost in a show of
sentimentality for what he felt he was about to lose forever, Logan reached out tentatively and
brushed a loose strand of hair from her cheek. Taking the soft locks between his fingertips he
caressed it gently appreciating yet something else of the woman he knew he'd always love.
"You're amazing, you know that?" his tone filled with admiration.
Max, staying true to his request, didn't utter a sound.
"So many secrets, all the lies that surround you." His expression brightened as if reminiscing
over their past few months together. "You never hid from me, not ever. I don't know if you can
understand how much that means, to know that you felt you could trust me like that."
"Logan," Max began but she was quickly stopped by his fingers gently pressing on her lips.
"There's things you don't know about me Max. Things I never wanted you to find out. I never
wanted to lie to you, but I was too afraid of losing you to come forward."
"You'll never lose me."
Max's expression softened into one of compassion as she clutched his right hand even tighter.
Her intention was to reassure him and make him feel better but it had the exact opposite effect.
Logan shook his head with determination, denying what she said to be true.
"No, it's not that easy. You can't comprehend the things I did, the suffering I caused..." he trailed
off, all the images flashing through his mind over and over again. In those brief few seconds of
silence Logan relived the entire ordeal over again.
His reaction worried Max even more than his words. She didn't say anything this time. Instead
she remained silent. No actions or words of comfort offered. All she wanted to do was find out
what was going on. Perfectly aware that their relationship was reaching a point of no return, Max
had met her fear and acted on it. Instead of pulling away from him, she'd offered to stay. The
kiss they'd shared had sealed over the conversation they'd been running away from since they'd
met.
"Logan?" she whispered softly, trying to get him to look her in the eye again.
"With a single act I broke the world." he said, the broken edge in his voice plainly audible.
Logan's eyes rose to meet hers and Max could clearly see the tears welling up again. The same
part inside her began to ache. The feeling of being helpless overwhelmed her and she knew she
could do nothing to ease his pain, at least not yet. Still, she understood where he was going, or
she thought she did. Berating herself for asking, she had to do it anyway. She had to know.
The single act, had it really been what she thought it was?
"The Pulse?" she asked warily.
Logan simply nodded, his head hung. His eyes no longer held hers, he was far too ashamed.
Of all the ironic and hypocritical things. Logan Cale, the good and true Eyes Only, responsible
for so much pain and suffering. Not only that but all the lies he'd had to cover his secret with.
Even if Max could forgive him, he'd never be able to forgive himself for lying to her like that.
Never.
"But, how?" she asked again, sounding confused more than anything else.
"Some people contacted me with information about the corruption within our own banks here in
the city. Innocent people were loosing alot of money and had nothing to account for as a reason.
They recruited me with their speeches about justice and loyalty...Geez I must have been so
naive."
Logan stopped briefly to curse himself then he finally managed to look Max in the eye again.
This was the moment he'd dreaded for a long time and he was flying blind through it moment to
moment. Everything that came out of his mouth he'd rehearsed over and over but it wasn't
coming out the way it had a hundred or a thousand times before.
"I provided the hacks and the materials were paid for on my, wealthy, account. It all went to plan,
I set up where they told me to and then, when the time came, I pressed the button." He paused
taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long sigh. "But they tricked me. It was only meant to
affect Seattle and only meant to affect their computer systems. It wasn't supposed to..."
Logan's tone grew desperate and distressed as he fought to maintain a shred of normality in his
voice. Something that wouldn't betray everything he'd been hiding all these years all at once.
He wasn't ready for that yet. It was all too much too fast.
Max took a few moments in silence to process what he'd been saying. 'Logan caused the
Pulse?' she thought over and over again. The more important question pushing on her mind was
'He lied to me?' It was that thought that hurt her more than anything else. She'd trusted Logan
with her life, her inner most secrets and all the while he'd been hiding something this big from
her. It hurt more than she could bear, but at the same time the way he appeared before her now
changed that hurt into something else. A kind of understanding. Question was, would it be
enough for her to forgive him.
"It wasn't your fault Logan."
"I should've known better. Seen it coming. Stopped it. I'm Eyes Only God damn it! I fight this
kinda thing. I'm not supposed to be one of them."
Max reached out with her other hand and covered his mouth gently. He just had to stop and
breath a little more, calm himself down. This had obviously been eating away at him for years
and she had no idea how deeply his pain ran. All she knew was that she couldn't let him carry
on suffering anymore.
"Shhh, just breath." she whispered softly in an attempt to calm him down.
"Max, I'm sorry..." he gasped, trying to fight back tears that were already trespassing over his
cheeks.
"It's okay," she breathed, but she could tell he hadn't heard her.
"I'm so, so sorry." he continued his confessions in what appeared to be something only falling
short of a blind panic. "I never wanted to hide from you. But the closer we got the harder it
became to tell you the truth. I don't wanna lose you Max."
"Logan." Max sighed and pulled him closer, leaning forward until she could wrap her arms
around him in a hug.
Logan buried his head in the crook of her neck and Max could feel the warm tears on her skin.
His body trembled ever so slightly in her arms and the guilt ridden sobs wracked his body, she
guessed for the second time that night. Gently rocking them back and forth Max set to work
calming and comforting him.
"Shhh, it's okay. It doesn't matter."
Logan only hugged her tighter, his hands sliding up underneath her jacket to hold her closer.
The irrational fear that she was going to leave him forever was killing him slowly and painfully.
So much so that he wasn't taking in what she was saying. All the years of keeping such a large
secret had eaten away at him bit by bit until it had resulted in this. This breakdown of barriers
tonight that would surely cost him his love.
"But it does. I hid it from you for so long, and I told you I'd never hide myself from you. Not
again." his voice was hoarse and rasped as he spoke almost frantically.
"I already told you, you're not gonna lose me Logan. Listen to me." she said pulling him back to
look her in the eye. This was it, crunch time. She knew this had to be said just right and it
wasn't the time to be hiding anything. After tonight that was it. No more hiding.
"You never once hid who you were from me. Not once." she began solemnly.
"But Max,"
"You're Eyes Only. You help fight for justice in a world where it's rarely seen nowadays. The
victims you fight for are like you were then. You got played and the consequences were serious
and lasting, but you still fight to make a difference."
Max prayed to whatever deity she could believe in or whatever higher power there was up there.
God, the Blue Lady, anything or anyone who'd listen and help her now. All she wanted was for
Logan to believe what she was saying to be true. It was all that could ease his suffering and end
his pain.
"But I caused it all." he said quietly.
"And now you fight every single day to make it better. Putting your life on the line for complete
strangers day after day. You're not the bad guy here Logan, you never were."
Logan sat silently thinking over what she was saying. How could she have just heard what he
had to confess and still he sat there in front of him now? More importantly, and to his disbelief,
how could she still be sitting there trying to make him feel better? He struggled to understand
where this compassion was coming from for him, especially for him now.
Without thinking he raised his hand up and trailed the backs of his fingers over her cheek,
caressing the soft skin delicately. His eyes searched hers as if he was trying to find her reason
for showing him mercy when he'd expected anger and hatred.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life," he began, his voice whisper-soft. "But I'm
sorry I hid from you and I'm sorry I lied."
Max stopped and relaxed feeling Logan's touch warm her. She nuzzled her check into his palm
and enjoyed the pleasing sensations it brought her.
"Everyone has secrets, and I won't lie to you. I have a pretty big one I've been carrying round for
months now and I've hid it from you."
Logan's face grew serious again. As if this night hadn't brought out enough fears, now it had to
stab him with the fact that she'd hidden herself from him too? It was almost more than he could
bear.
"I've been having these thoughts about you, not just recently, but since we first met. It was
always easier to just push them away and ignore them, but in the last few months it's been
getting so hard not to act on these feelings." she tried to explain so he'd understand.
"Feelings?" he asked without meaning to. The words had left his lips before he'd had a chance
to think them through.
"I've never felt this way before and all this stuff tonight is only proving one thing." she continued
in a soft voice.
"Proving what?" he breathed, not daring to hope it could be the reason he'd dreamt of all this
time.
"That no matter what happens, no matter what you tell me, you'll never lose me. I could never
leave you, Logan. I love you."
Logan couldn't find words at that exact moment. He just sat there trying to comprehend the
meaning of the words he'd heard her say, for truly she couldn't have meant them as they'd come
out. 'Could she?' he wondered. Before he had a chance to speak Max continued her speech.
"Logan Cale, Eyes Only. The man sitting in front of me right now. The same man I met while
breaking into his penthouse and the same one I'm talking to right now. I don't wanna hide
anything from you anymore. This is me, this is how I feel. Deal with it." she finished as only
Max could.
"Max I," Logan fumbled for words. Never had he expected to have her be able to forgive him, let
alone return his feelings as strongly as she had. The night had been like a roller coaster and he
didn't know what was gonna come next. One surprise after the other.
Unable to find the words to complete the moment Logan could only slide his hand up into her
hair as he leaned in toward her. Kissing her again for the second time that hour Logan delighted
in knowing this time, that it wasn't a goodbye kiss in anyway. He took Max at her word believing
that she wasn't going to leave him and never come back. She cared about him, really cared and
his heart soared knowing how she truly felt about him. After a few minutes both were breathless
and Logan drew back to look into her beautiful dark eyes, his thumb tracing her cheek bone
tenderly. He gazed into her eyes for a while before finally speaking in his usual soft tones.
"I love you."
With a smile Max slid over on the couch to make space for him and Logan moved to sit beside
her. Almost immediately lips locked and arms caressed wildly. Sitting side by side leaning back
into the comfy cushions of the couch their legs interlocked as their hands explored. With no
more hidden truths to eat away at them they were now free. No more fear, no more hesitation.
All they knew was their love for each other. A love they planned on sharing completely.
Written By: Drea Jackman
Email: DreaJackman@Literati.co.uk
Rating: 15 (Overall)
Summary: What really lies behind Eyes Only?
Series: Eyes Only
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters involved. All Dark Angel characters
belong to Cameron/Eglee Productions and Fox...the lucky *ahem*!
Dedication: For Cale, who really pushed me to attempt this story.
Archive: Sure, just email me to lemme know where first. Thanks!
Feedback: Hell yeah! It's another of the small pleasures of writing.
Author's Note: Set pre-kisses and confessions in 'Meow'. I do realise that
Logan's birthday and the date of the pulse are not as they appear in this fic, but
it made for a more interesting story.
_______________________________________________________________________
Logan held her gaze briefly for a few seconds more as he appreciated her understanding. After
what they'd just done he wondered if she could really mean what he thought she did. 'Does she
wanna be with me? Does she really care?'
Max stared back, her patience wearing impossibly thin. All she wanted to do was pull the strong
figure of the man standing before her, so vulnerable, into her arms and never let him go. She
wanted to make all the pain go away. 'What's it gonna take?' she wondered briefly as her eyes
searched his for explanation.
As he realized there could be the tiniest possibility that she could indeed be feeling that way
about their relationship he also realized that he couldn't lie anymore. He couldn't deny it. Over
the past few weeks they had been getting closer. Way closer than they'd ever been and he
supposed it was because of that reason he was so compelled to reveal himself to her now. With
a sigh Logan finally broke the silence that engulfed both of them.
"I'm sorry." he whispered softly. It was all he could think of saying to begin.
Once Max had heard all of what he had to say he was sure she'd turn away from him. He'd lied
to her, hidden from her and now that it came to confession time he was certain she'd turn away
from him and his hidden truths. Max was going to leave his life and not look back. The arid
desert that was his life would lose the it's little desert rose, the one spark in his otherwise dull
existence.
"I don't understand." Max said quietly, shaking her head gently. "You haven't done anything to
apologize for."
Logan drew in a deep breath and abruptly turned his head away from her to face the dimly lit
interior of his apartment. The upturned wheelchair caught his eye momentarily before he turned
back to Max, his expression deadly serious.
"Max I need for you to listen to me now."
Max only frowned in response, but kept silent as she gripped Logan's hands tighter. She could
feel his heart pounding rapidly beneath the wall of his chest. The seriousness of the situation
was now gripping her completely and it terrified her more than she'd like.
"You're not gonna like hearing this," he continued. "Any of it. I just need for you to listen okay. I
gotta say this."
"Tell me." she said softly.
Logan nodded slowly and brought their hands down from his chest releasing her right hand.
Keeping her left securely in his, he walked over to the couch and gestured for her to sit.
Grudgingly Max complied and Logan sat on the table opposite her. Almost in a show of
sentimentality for what he felt he was about to lose forever, Logan reached out tentatively and
brushed a loose strand of hair from her cheek. Taking the soft locks between his fingertips he
caressed it gently appreciating yet something else of the woman he knew he'd always love.
"You're amazing, you know that?" his tone filled with admiration.
Max, staying true to his request, didn't utter a sound.
"So many secrets, all the lies that surround you." His expression brightened as if reminiscing
over their past few months together. "You never hid from me, not ever. I don't know if you can
understand how much that means, to know that you felt you could trust me like that."
"Logan," Max began but she was quickly stopped by his fingers gently pressing on her lips.
"There's things you don't know about me Max. Things I never wanted you to find out. I never
wanted to lie to you, but I was too afraid of losing you to come forward."
"You'll never lose me."
Max's expression softened into one of compassion as she clutched his right hand even tighter.
Her intention was to reassure him and make him feel better but it had the exact opposite effect.
Logan shook his head with determination, denying what she said to be true.
"No, it's not that easy. You can't comprehend the things I did, the suffering I caused..." he trailed
off, all the images flashing through his mind over and over again. In those brief few seconds of
silence Logan relived the entire ordeal over again.
His reaction worried Max even more than his words. She didn't say anything this time. Instead
she remained silent. No actions or words of comfort offered. All she wanted to do was find out
what was going on. Perfectly aware that their relationship was reaching a point of no return, Max
had met her fear and acted on it. Instead of pulling away from him, she'd offered to stay. The
kiss they'd shared had sealed over the conversation they'd been running away from since they'd
met.
"Logan?" she whispered softly, trying to get him to look her in the eye again.
"With a single act I broke the world." he said, the broken edge in his voice plainly audible.
Logan's eyes rose to meet hers and Max could clearly see the tears welling up again. The same
part inside her began to ache. The feeling of being helpless overwhelmed her and she knew she
could do nothing to ease his pain, at least not yet. Still, she understood where he was going, or
she thought she did. Berating herself for asking, she had to do it anyway. She had to know.
The single act, had it really been what she thought it was?
"The Pulse?" she asked warily.
Logan simply nodded, his head hung. His eyes no longer held hers, he was far too ashamed.
Of all the ironic and hypocritical things. Logan Cale, the good and true Eyes Only, responsible
for so much pain and suffering. Not only that but all the lies he'd had to cover his secret with.
Even if Max could forgive him, he'd never be able to forgive himself for lying to her like that.
Never.
"But, how?" she asked again, sounding confused more than anything else.
"Some people contacted me with information about the corruption within our own banks here in
the city. Innocent people were loosing alot of money and had nothing to account for as a reason.
They recruited me with their speeches about justice and loyalty...Geez I must have been so
naive."
Logan stopped briefly to curse himself then he finally managed to look Max in the eye again.
This was the moment he'd dreaded for a long time and he was flying blind through it moment to
moment. Everything that came out of his mouth he'd rehearsed over and over but it wasn't
coming out the way it had a hundred or a thousand times before.
"I provided the hacks and the materials were paid for on my, wealthy, account. It all went to plan,
I set up where they told me to and then, when the time came, I pressed the button." He paused
taking a deep breath and letting it out in a long sigh. "But they tricked me. It was only meant to
affect Seattle and only meant to affect their computer systems. It wasn't supposed to..."
Logan's tone grew desperate and distressed as he fought to maintain a shred of normality in his
voice. Something that wouldn't betray everything he'd been hiding all these years all at once.
He wasn't ready for that yet. It was all too much too fast.
Max took a few moments in silence to process what he'd been saying. 'Logan caused the
Pulse?' she thought over and over again. The more important question pushing on her mind was
'He lied to me?' It was that thought that hurt her more than anything else. She'd trusted Logan
with her life, her inner most secrets and all the while he'd been hiding something this big from
her. It hurt more than she could bear, but at the same time the way he appeared before her now
changed that hurt into something else. A kind of understanding. Question was, would it be
enough for her to forgive him.
"It wasn't your fault Logan."
"I should've known better. Seen it coming. Stopped it. I'm Eyes Only God damn it! I fight this
kinda thing. I'm not supposed to be one of them."
Max reached out with her other hand and covered his mouth gently. He just had to stop and
breath a little more, calm himself down. This had obviously been eating away at him for years
and she had no idea how deeply his pain ran. All she knew was that she couldn't let him carry
on suffering anymore.
"Shhh, just breath." she whispered softly in an attempt to calm him down.
"Max, I'm sorry..." he gasped, trying to fight back tears that were already trespassing over his
cheeks.
"It's okay," she breathed, but she could tell he hadn't heard her.
"I'm so, so sorry." he continued his confessions in what appeared to be something only falling
short of a blind panic. "I never wanted to hide from you. But the closer we got the harder it
became to tell you the truth. I don't wanna lose you Max."
"Logan." Max sighed and pulled him closer, leaning forward until she could wrap her arms
around him in a hug.
Logan buried his head in the crook of her neck and Max could feel the warm tears on her skin.
His body trembled ever so slightly in her arms and the guilt ridden sobs wracked his body, she
guessed for the second time that night. Gently rocking them back and forth Max set to work
calming and comforting him.
"Shhh, it's okay. It doesn't matter."
Logan only hugged her tighter, his hands sliding up underneath her jacket to hold her closer.
The irrational fear that she was going to leave him forever was killing him slowly and painfully.
So much so that he wasn't taking in what she was saying. All the years of keeping such a large
secret had eaten away at him bit by bit until it had resulted in this. This breakdown of barriers
tonight that would surely cost him his love.
"But it does. I hid it from you for so long, and I told you I'd never hide myself from you. Not
again." his voice was hoarse and rasped as he spoke almost frantically.
"I already told you, you're not gonna lose me Logan. Listen to me." she said pulling him back to
look her in the eye. This was it, crunch time. She knew this had to be said just right and it
wasn't the time to be hiding anything. After tonight that was it. No more hiding.
"You never once hid who you were from me. Not once." she began solemnly.
"But Max,"
"You're Eyes Only. You help fight for justice in a world where it's rarely seen nowadays. The
victims you fight for are like you were then. You got played and the consequences were serious
and lasting, but you still fight to make a difference."
Max prayed to whatever deity she could believe in or whatever higher power there was up there.
God, the Blue Lady, anything or anyone who'd listen and help her now. All she wanted was for
Logan to believe what she was saying to be true. It was all that could ease his suffering and end
his pain.
"But I caused it all." he said quietly.
"And now you fight every single day to make it better. Putting your life on the line for complete
strangers day after day. You're not the bad guy here Logan, you never were."
Logan sat silently thinking over what she was saying. How could she have just heard what he
had to confess and still he sat there in front of him now? More importantly, and to his disbelief,
how could she still be sitting there trying to make him feel better? He struggled to understand
where this compassion was coming from for him, especially for him now.
Without thinking he raised his hand up and trailed the backs of his fingers over her cheek,
caressing the soft skin delicately. His eyes searched hers as if he was trying to find her reason
for showing him mercy when he'd expected anger and hatred.
"I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life," he began, his voice whisper-soft. "But I'm
sorry I hid from you and I'm sorry I lied."
Max stopped and relaxed feeling Logan's touch warm her. She nuzzled her check into his palm
and enjoyed the pleasing sensations it brought her.
"Everyone has secrets, and I won't lie to you. I have a pretty big one I've been carrying round for
months now and I've hid it from you."
Logan's face grew serious again. As if this night hadn't brought out enough fears, now it had to
stab him with the fact that she'd hidden herself from him too? It was almost more than he could
bear.
"I've been having these thoughts about you, not just recently, but since we first met. It was
always easier to just push them away and ignore them, but in the last few months it's been
getting so hard not to act on these feelings." she tried to explain so he'd understand.
"Feelings?" he asked without meaning to. The words had left his lips before he'd had a chance
to think them through.
"I've never felt this way before and all this stuff tonight is only proving one thing." she continued
in a soft voice.
"Proving what?" he breathed, not daring to hope it could be the reason he'd dreamt of all this
time.
"That no matter what happens, no matter what you tell me, you'll never lose me. I could never
leave you, Logan. I love you."
Logan couldn't find words at that exact moment. He just sat there trying to comprehend the
meaning of the words he'd heard her say, for truly she couldn't have meant them as they'd come
out. 'Could she?' he wondered. Before he had a chance to speak Max continued her speech.
"Logan Cale, Eyes Only. The man sitting in front of me right now. The same man I met while
breaking into his penthouse and the same one I'm talking to right now. I don't wanna hide
anything from you anymore. This is me, this is how I feel. Deal with it." she finished as only
Max could.
"Max I," Logan fumbled for words. Never had he expected to have her be able to forgive him, let
alone return his feelings as strongly as she had. The night had been like a roller coaster and he
didn't know what was gonna come next. One surprise after the other.
Unable to find the words to complete the moment Logan could only slide his hand up into her
hair as he leaned in toward her. Kissing her again for the second time that hour Logan delighted
in knowing this time, that it wasn't a goodbye kiss in anyway. He took Max at her word believing
that she wasn't going to leave him and never come back. She cared about him, really cared and
his heart soared knowing how she truly felt about him. After a few minutes both were breathless
and Logan drew back to look into her beautiful dark eyes, his thumb tracing her cheek bone
tenderly. He gazed into her eyes for a while before finally speaking in his usual soft tones.
"I love you."
With a smile Max slid over on the couch to make space for him and Logan moved to sit beside
her. Almost immediately lips locked and arms caressed wildly. Sitting side by side leaning back
into the comfy cushions of the couch their legs interlocked as their hands explored. With no
more hidden truths to eat away at them they were now free. No more fear, no more hesitation.
All they knew was their love for each other. A love they planned on sharing completely.