The World Turned Over
Inspired by the song "Black Balloon" by the GooGoo Dolls
A Songfic by tonicchik
Warnings: Extreme angst
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or the characters thereof. They are copyright to the people who created them. I also do not own the song "Black Balloon." It belongs to the GooGoo Dolls. My writing is strictly for fun and not for profit. This story is in no way intended to steal any material from anyone. I'm really just a bored high school student, and it's not worth anyone's time to sue me. I own nothing (literally).
::Baby's black balloon makes her fly...::
Heero Yuy lay prostrate on the ground, eyes shut in an effort to keep his hot tears from spilling over his cheeks.
Dead. Relena was dead.
The boy tightened his hands into fists.
How could Relena be dead without his even knowing she was sick? Where had his mind been? Why hadn't she told him? These questions and so many others flooded his mind.
::I almost fell into that hole in your life...::
But Relena was dead.
Heero cried out weakly, piteously. She was dead, gone forever, and he hadn't even been able to tell her good-bye.
Relena Peacecraft had been the only person Heero had ever loved. She had offered him unconditional friendship even when he had threatened to destroy her. She had been such a lonely girl, and all she wanted was someone to be her friend. For such a very long time, Heero had rejected Relena's offers of affection. Finally, when he realized that he cared too much about her to harm her, he began to see himself as her guard, her protector, always watching and defending her from a distance but never getting too close, never telling her how he felt. So many nights he had sneaked to her bedroom window and watched her sleep, gazing silently upon her as her chest rose and fell. How many times had he wanted to wake her, to declare his love to her? But he had remained silent, and for that he was sorry.
::You're not thinking 'bout tomorrow...::
As the vice foreign minister and a strong advocate of universal pacifism, Relena had always been traveling and disappearing. With the war and the threat of Mariemeia over, Heero had assumed there would be no danger for Relena. He was mistaken. For months, Relena had been having severe stomach pains and had told no one but her financial advisor, Quatre Raberba Winner. She begged him not to tell, and by the time she finally saw a doctor, her cancer was so bad that she was only expected to live for a couple of weeks. In desperation, Relena had her infected ovary removed, only to discover that the cancer had spread to other parts of her body. She had died three days after the surgery with only Quatre and her brother Milliardo at her side.
Where was I? Heero asked himself. Where was I when she needed me the most?
He remembered the morning his telephone had rung at 3 a.m. He had groggily answered it to find that Quatre was on the other end, calling to tell him the bad news. Relena had died of ovarian cancer. The Arab boy sobbed into the receiver as he told the story, but the perfect soldier remained silent, unmoved. When he finally hung up, he lay back and stared up at the ceiling. He clutched the bedpost and made an effort to stand, but sank to his knees on the floor, sobbing. For the first time in his life, Heero Yuy began to pray.
::'Cause you were the same as me but on your knees...::
"Oh, God," he whispered, "why did she have to go? Why did it have to be her? Why?" He looked to the ceiling and lifted his hands. "Why?!" Then more quietly, "I loved her, and I never told her. Forgive me."
::A thousand other boys could never reach you. How could I have been the one?::
Heero would never know what Relena had seen in him. He didn't deserve anyone's love, especially someone as special as Relena. But, for whatever the reason, Relena had fallen for the perfect soldier. All the rich young suitors who were courting her were forgotten as the princess felt herself more and more drawn to the mysterious boy who threatened her with death. No one but Heero had stirred her heart. She had lived her life in the hopes that he would one day come to feel the same for her, and she had died without ever knowing that he loved her in return.
::I saw the world spin beneath you and scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb...::
And now she was dead.
Relena was dead.
Heero's world seemed to fall apart piece by piece as hour after torturous hour passed. Trying to make himself cope with the truth. Hoping against hope that perhaps this was some horrible dream from which he would awaken. How could the only person who had ever truly understood him now be dead? The vastness of an eternity without her smile faced him. Oh, how he had taken her presence for granted! He had never told her how he felt because he assumed she would always be there. How wrong he was.
::Comin' down the world turned over...::
The funeral was horrible beyond comprehension. It was raining, and dark clouds loomed on the horizon, warning of the storm they carried with them. Relena lay in her casket, clothed in a simple black dress, her sweet face framed by a pool of blonde hair. Milliardo Peacecraft allowed only a select few to attend his sister's burial service. The five Gundam pilots were there, each taking the young vice foreign minister's passing in his own way.
Duo Maxwell and his girlfriend Hilde Schibecker were, for once, perfectly still and silent. Never before had anyone seen them so sullen. They were usually so vivacious and full of life. Only death could have possibly effected such a change in their attitudes. Duo's hair was an unkempt, tangled mass that fell free of its braid to his knees. Hilde whimpered every now and then, holding fast to Duo's arm for support. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. Relena had been her best friend, and it was quite obvious that Hilde was devastated by the loss.
Quatre Winner had early on thrown himself sobbing at Trowa Barton. Nary a one took it as hard as Quatre did, for it was he who had been the closest person to Relena during her last days. He shook with his arms around Trowa, making small bleating sounds into the Latin boy's shoulder. Trowa watched the happenings silently, staring blankly just as he always did. Though he had not known Relena personally, he had been touched by how much Quatre admired and loved her. The pain he felt was for the Arabian.
::And angels fall without you there...::
Chang Wufei looked on from a distance, his expression sour as usual. Death was something that he had learned to live with. He had killed many people, tasted the heat of battle many times. But this time was different. This girl, so innocent, so young, did not deserve to die. He had only once before experienced the painful side of death, and that was when Meiran had died. He thought of how different his wife and Relena were, and yet how their lives had ended so similarly. They were both without blame, and they had both died so young. He leaned back against a tree with his arms crossed, looked briefly to the sky and mouthed, "Nataku."
No one could have guessed that Heero felt anything. His Prussian eyes were as hard as ever. His mouth was pressed in the usual scowl. No one had ever known while Relena lived that he loved her, and no one knew what he was feeling now. Inside, however, no one, not even Quatre, was screaming as loud as he. No one could possibly know what was going on in his heart, not even Duo, his best friend. The sight of this beautiful girl so lifeless in her casket was almost more than the perfect soldier could bear, and yet he held his head high.
::And I go on as you get colder...::
Milliardo was equally strong. He stood majestically, listening intently to the priest who was now praying over his sister's body, and all the while he supported his crying wife Lucrezia Noin-Peacecraft in his arms. He remained tall and proud, undaunted as he always had been before.
The Priest closed the prayer as usual. "Enamena patrus, et filili, et spiritus sanctus, amen."
Milliardo stepped up to his sister's casket and stroked her cheek with his finger. A hint of a smile crossed his face even though tears had now come to his eyes. "Good-bye, my dear little sister," he whispered. He ran his hand down her arm and held her hand for a moment. Then he kissed her and turned back to his wife.
::Or are you someone's prayer?::
Quatre managed to come forward, holding a single white rose, unable to stop sobbing. He lifted the dead girl's hand and placed the rose in it. "Farewell, Relena," he managed to whimper, and then, burying his face in his hands, he sobbed and his knees buckled. Trowa caught him and helped him to his feet.
Hilde was the next to approach the casket, her arm entwined with Duo's for support. She cleared her throat and said aloud, "I'll miss you so much, Relena." Her tiny voice broke on the fourth word, and she swallowed in an effort to regain some amount of composure. "Thank you for being such a wonderful friend." The Great Destroyer helped his girlfriend back away. He held her close and kissed her hair, whispering that everything would be all right.
::You know the lies they always told you...::
The priest motioned for the lid to be closed. Two boys, both younger than the Gundam pilots, began to close casket.
That was when the realization that he would never see Relena again hit Heero. She was dead, gone forever, and he hadn't even been able to tell her good-bye. In a moment of desperation, Heero lunged forward and landed a knuckle on one of the boys' jaws. Sobbing in absolute misery, he collapsed to his knees, hands in prayerlike supplication. Everyone watched in silence, too shocked to move. Heero continued to sob uncontrollably. Finally, defeated, he cried, "Why?!"
Duo came to his side and laid a hand on his trembling shoulder. "C'mon, buddy. Let's get out of here."
Heero turned on his best friend like a rabid dog. "Don't touch me!" he snarled, tearing away madly. "Don't ever touch me again!"
The American boy stumbled backward, surprised and hurt by his fellow pilot's outburst. "I'm sorry, Heero," he breathed, confusion evident in his voice.
"You don't understand!" Heero insisted. "She's gone! Do you hear me, baka? She's dead! And I never told her that--" He stopped abruptly, realizing what he was saying.
"You never told her what, Yuy?" Milliardo's voice said from behind Heero.
::And the love you never knew...::
The Japanese boy locked eyes with the former Lightning Baron. "Nothing," he said firmly. "Just forget about it."
Milliardo turned back to the boys who Heero had stopped. "Close the casket."
Struggling to his feet, Heero staggered to Relena's coffin and leaned down close to her, breathing on the cold cheek of the princess. "I love you, Relena," he whispered. "Good-bye."
::What's the things they never showed you...::
The coffin lid clicked shut.
Heero turned and walked down the road, past Duo, who was trembling trying to keep his hurt cries inside. The perfect soldier didn't slow down or turn around. His walk was determined and sure. He knew what he was going to do now; he wouldn't be stopped.
It was 11 o'clock before Heero reached his apartment. It had rained all the way home, and he now shivered from the cold. He shut his eyes for a moment and let a tear fall. Then, regaining his dignity, he made his way in the darkness to the other side of the room. Reaching under his bed, Heero found his backpack. He fumbled in the darkness but managed to retrieve something. By the light of the full moon that shone through his bedroom window, Heero could make out the form of his gun in his hand.
::That swallowed the light from the sun inside your room, yeah...::
The familiar feeling of cold metal made his toes curl. For the first time in his life, Heero Yuy was afraid to use his gun. A professional assassin, Heero had been raised since birth to kill, and kill he had. Many men had died from bullets from the very gun Heero now held. Bullets...
Heero would have to load the gun. He reached blindly into the drawer that held his ammunition. He had done this so many, many times before, but this time he had to force his hands to work. He loaded the bullets and let his hands search the surface of the gun. Cold. Hard. Metal. Deadly. All these words came to his mind.
"God," he said aloud, "forgive me for this. I can't make it without her."
With his hand at his side, Heero fingered the trigger lightly. How many times had he pulled this trigger before? How many lives had he taken? Too many, too many.
::Coming down the world turned over...::
He thumbed off the safety. The time now had come. Time to see what the ultimate killing machine was really made of, time to see if the perfect soldier had guts, time to see if he had truly lost his soul. Time to be with Relena. He raised the gun to his right temple, cocked it, and gritted his teeth. It was all over now.
"I had a feeling you would do something stupid like this, Yuy."
Heero paused and turned. Somehow he had known that Milliardo Peacecraft would be standing there, and indeed he was. He stepped from the shadows where he had been hiding, platinum blonde hair falling majestically over one shoulder. His intense blue eyes studied the soul of the Gundam pilot, who gazed back in return.
"Hello, Zechs," Heero said softly, then corrected himself with, "I'm sorry. It's Milliardo Peacecraft now, isn't it?"
::And angels fall without you there...::
The corners of Milliardo's mouth curled ever so slightly. "Whichever you prefer," he replied, his voice soothing as a cat's pur. "Zechs Merquise has never completely died, and Milliardo Peacecraft has never been completely alive. Those two have become one and the same--me."
"What do you want?"
The former Lightning Baron seated himself. "To ask you something. What good will killing yourself now accomplish?"
Wing Zero's pilot thought for a second, then sighed, "I will be with her again."
Zechs scoffed.
"What is it?"
"You."
::And I go on as you get colder...::
"I don't find myself remotely funny."
Zechs stood to his full height of six feet four. "You're not funny," he said, his seriousness returning. "You're foolish."
There followed a long pause. "Foolish?" the younger boy echoed, his voice cold and monotone.
"You still don't understand, do you? You still think that she didn't know, but she did."
"Know--what?"
Zechs gave an exasperated sigh. "That you loved her. She knew that as well as I do."
Heero looked away, chuckling feebly. "Lying to me to make me feel better isn't going to help, Zechs."
Zechs leaned forward, a smirk appearing on his lips. "I'm not trying to make you feel better. You never understood my sister, and you never will. She knew all along that you loved her--"
"No! Stop it!"
"--but you were too proud to tell her that."
::Or are you someone's prayer?::
Heero remembered that he had his gun in his hand. He once again stroked the trigger with his finger. "Go away, Zechs. The war is over, and there is no need for me anymore."
"No," was the soft reply. "No, you're wrong."
"Wrong?" the boy returned, his voice an incredulous whine. "Wrong about what?"
"Relena wouldn't have wanted it to end this way. She had a dream, and she would have wanted you to fulfill it."
Emotionless eyes was the only answer Zechs received.
"Listen to me," Relena's brother went on. "Treize Khrushrenada dreamed of universal peace, and when he died, what did his lover do?"
::And there's no time left for losin'...::
"His lover?" Heero repeated.
Zechs shook his head in disgust. "Can you be so blind to everything, boy? Lady Une. What did Lady Une do after Treize died?"
"She--" Heero began but stopped.
"She carried on his dream after his death, and look where she's led the colonies. Much of what Treize dreamed of has come to pass. Remember when everyone thought I had been killed in Libra's explosion? Well, Noin did the same thing Une did. She tried to fulfill my ideals even though she thought I would not be there to see her do it."
"Get to the point, Zechs. I don't have time for your intellectual nonsense."
"Very well. The point is this: Relena had a dream of total universal pacifism. She died before that dream was accomplished. It is tragic, yes, but it is not the end. It is up to us, those who loved her, to carry on that dream."
Heero raised the gun to his head once again, giving Zechs a defiant glare.
Zechs tried to wrench the weapon from Heero's hand, but to no avail. He turned away, disgusted. "If you want to be a fool, go ahead. The world is better off without weaklings," he muttered. "I bid you farewell, Heero Yuy. May God be merciful to your soul." So saying, Zechs Merquise exited, leaving the perfect soldier alone with death.
Heero looked at the moon and the stars that shone brightly through his window. "She always loved the stars," he said aloud, a smile playing at his lips. "How she loved the stars."
Indeed, Relena had loved the stars. So many nights Heero had watched her gazing up at them. Several times he had heard her make a wish. Once he had even heard her wish to see him again. That had been the last time he had seen Relena alive.
The gun was loaded, cocked, and in his hand.
::When you stand they fall, yeah...::
He put it to his temple once again and shut his eyes. His finger tightened on the trigger.
"Heero, I don't think you understand. The goal of universal peace cannot be achieved through death. Only through life and people's understanding of the value of humanity. Killing isn't the answer to anything."
Relena's words came to his mind. It had been so long ago since she had said that to him. But now they were in his mind, seeping into his brain, making him remember things that he did not want to recall. Try as he might, he could not force his finger to move.
"This is right," he said aloud. "This is good. I deserve to die. I've caused so much misery. I've killed so many people, wrecked so many families. My life has been nothing but waste. I'm just a nameless, heartless, soulless killing machine. This is justice."
Another memory came into his head.
"You're planning to die, aren't you, Heero?" Relena's soft eyes searched his face with inquisitive fear as the Gundam pilot was loading into Wing Zero. She was absolutely beautiful, and Heero had to concentrate to keep from blurting the words, "I love you."
"I'll defeat Zechs," he had replied, avoiding her question. "Then I'll go get Treize, and then the war will be over."
Her hand came to his shoulder. His heart began to beat more quickly.
"No!" she insisted.
Relena was so passionate, so convicted. She believed in what she stood for. Now, with her lips only inches from his, the perfect soldier fought to hold himself back, not to plunge his mouth into hers with all the demands he felt inside. He inched closer to her, a hint of a smile on his face.
"Heero..." she began.
Struggling to keep his jumbled emotions from showing, he managed to whisper, "Believe in me." With that, he pushed her aside and closed the cockpit of Zero. When he knew she could not hear him, he breathed, "Farewell, Relena."
Heero was startled by footsteps outside his apartment door. He stared in silence as a shadow came by and passed something under the door. Then the footsteps retreated down the hall, down the stairs, and out into the night. The perfect solder walked silently to where the thing had been left and studied it. It was a letter.
The handwriting on the front was of such a delicate nature. It was addressed to him. Heero ripped the edge open and pulled out the pink stationary inside. The date was one week earlier, the night Relena had died. Heero's heart stopped beating. The letter read:
Dearest Heero,
I am dying. My brother and Quatre both tell me that I shall live, but I know that I am dying. Perhaps it is well that things should end this way. It seems that I have achieved nothing by my ideals. Humanity will always fight, and nothing, not even death, can stop human nature. I have been so foolish to think that I could change the hearts and minds of men. Pacifism is just a dream, a fantasy, a hope that has lived in my soul and the souls of a handful of others. Humans will not always need leaders like me to tell them how to think.
But they shall always need people like you. You are so very strong, so very brave. Nothing frightens you.
Heero looked away and scoffed. "You're wrong, Relena," he whispered, stroking the pink paper with his finger. "I am so very, very afraid. I'm afraid to have to live without you." He went back to the letter.
::Coming down the world turned over...::
And that is why I love you.
He felt his heart flutter.
You are so strong, so secure, so certain. You never falter. You are the one thing in my life that I am sure of, Heero. You are always standing firm, a cleft in the rock of this insanity for me to hide away in. I knew from the second I first saw you lying in the sand on the beach that you wear a part of my life, my being. You were as much Relena Peacecraft as I. The bond that I felt, and still feel, with you is inexplicable, and it frightens me; yet, somehow, I belong to it. I belong to you. My heart is yours completely and eternally.
I am sure that this will not reach you before I die. Do not be sad for me, Heero. I could not bear to think that I have caused you any pain. I want you to know that I am happy to die, that I feel I have fulfilled my role in life. I have no regrets in dying but one, and that is that I did not get to see you. But I wish you to know something: I have known all along that you have loved me. I understand that you are a perfect soldier, that love is forbidden to you, and that is why you have had to keep your true feelings inside. To me, however, there has not been one glance, one word, or one breath that has not betrayed your true feelings. I do not need to hear the words from your lips; I know that you love me. Please know that I love you more than I can express.
And so with this letter I must leave you. I am prepared to die. I feel peaceful about the entire ordeal. And though I never got to tell you, Heero, you are my hero, and I love you.
Yours forever and ever,
Relena
Heero sobbed loudly and dropped his gun to the floor. Tears spilled over his cheeks despite his best efforts to contain them. But this time, the tears were both of bitterness and happiness. She knew. She knew! She knew all along that he was in love with her. Even though he had never let the words escape, she had known. A tremendous weight of guilt lifted from his soul. He rocked back and forth, sobbing out of joy.
::And angels fall without you there...::
He let the words play in his mind. She knew. She loved him. She believe in him. That was all he needed to know. With that knowledge, he could go on, he could face the world. And he realized that Zechs had been correct.
::I go on as you grow colder all because I'm...::
Relena would not have wanted him to give up so easily.
::Coming down the years turned over...::
ONE YEAR LATER:
Heero stood on the freshly cut grass, staring silently on the tombstone that read "Relena Darlian Peacecraft, A.C. 180--A.C. 198." He held some flowers in his right hand, flowers that he himself had picked especially for her. He knelt and, choking back the tears that he felt, managed to whisper, "I miss you so much."
::And angels fall without you there...::
He lay the flowers gently by the stone. "It's all over, Relena. Finally, your dreams have come true. All the fighting has stopped. The Gundams are gone now. Everything has happened just as you wanted it to. I wish that you could be here to see it. If you were alive, my world would be perfect."
::I'll go on...::
The no longer perfect soldier let a tear escape. He shut his eyes and continued, "I wish I had told you with my words, Relena. But, wherever you are, please know that I love you."
::I will lead you home and all because of...::
With that, Heero Yuy turned and left. He knew not what the world might have in store for him, and he knew not where he would finally belong. But he knew that somewhere, someday, there would be a place for him, a place where he could live and die, laugh and cry, fail and triumph.
::All because of...::
With the memory of Relena's love and hope for tomorrow, he could endure anything.
::I'll become what you became to me...::
OWARI
Inspired by the song "Black Balloon" by the GooGoo Dolls
A Songfic by tonicchik
Warnings: Extreme angst
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or the characters thereof. They are copyright to the people who created them. I also do not own the song "Black Balloon." It belongs to the GooGoo Dolls. My writing is strictly for fun and not for profit. This story is in no way intended to steal any material from anyone. I'm really just a bored high school student, and it's not worth anyone's time to sue me. I own nothing (literally).
::Baby's black balloon makes her fly...::
Heero Yuy lay prostrate on the ground, eyes shut in an effort to keep his hot tears from spilling over his cheeks.
Dead. Relena was dead.
The boy tightened his hands into fists.
How could Relena be dead without his even knowing she was sick? Where had his mind been? Why hadn't she told him? These questions and so many others flooded his mind.
::I almost fell into that hole in your life...::
But Relena was dead.
Heero cried out weakly, piteously. She was dead, gone forever, and he hadn't even been able to tell her good-bye.
Relena Peacecraft had been the only person Heero had ever loved. She had offered him unconditional friendship even when he had threatened to destroy her. She had been such a lonely girl, and all she wanted was someone to be her friend. For such a very long time, Heero had rejected Relena's offers of affection. Finally, when he realized that he cared too much about her to harm her, he began to see himself as her guard, her protector, always watching and defending her from a distance but never getting too close, never telling her how he felt. So many nights he had sneaked to her bedroom window and watched her sleep, gazing silently upon her as her chest rose and fell. How many times had he wanted to wake her, to declare his love to her? But he had remained silent, and for that he was sorry.
::You're not thinking 'bout tomorrow...::
As the vice foreign minister and a strong advocate of universal pacifism, Relena had always been traveling and disappearing. With the war and the threat of Mariemeia over, Heero had assumed there would be no danger for Relena. He was mistaken. For months, Relena had been having severe stomach pains and had told no one but her financial advisor, Quatre Raberba Winner. She begged him not to tell, and by the time she finally saw a doctor, her cancer was so bad that she was only expected to live for a couple of weeks. In desperation, Relena had her infected ovary removed, only to discover that the cancer had spread to other parts of her body. She had died three days after the surgery with only Quatre and her brother Milliardo at her side.
Where was I? Heero asked himself. Where was I when she needed me the most?
He remembered the morning his telephone had rung at 3 a.m. He had groggily answered it to find that Quatre was on the other end, calling to tell him the bad news. Relena had died of ovarian cancer. The Arab boy sobbed into the receiver as he told the story, but the perfect soldier remained silent, unmoved. When he finally hung up, he lay back and stared up at the ceiling. He clutched the bedpost and made an effort to stand, but sank to his knees on the floor, sobbing. For the first time in his life, Heero Yuy began to pray.
::'Cause you were the same as me but on your knees...::
"Oh, God," he whispered, "why did she have to go? Why did it have to be her? Why?" He looked to the ceiling and lifted his hands. "Why?!" Then more quietly, "I loved her, and I never told her. Forgive me."
::A thousand other boys could never reach you. How could I have been the one?::
Heero would never know what Relena had seen in him. He didn't deserve anyone's love, especially someone as special as Relena. But, for whatever the reason, Relena had fallen for the perfect soldier. All the rich young suitors who were courting her were forgotten as the princess felt herself more and more drawn to the mysterious boy who threatened her with death. No one but Heero had stirred her heart. She had lived her life in the hopes that he would one day come to feel the same for her, and she had died without ever knowing that he loved her in return.
::I saw the world spin beneath you and scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb...::
And now she was dead.
Relena was dead.
Heero's world seemed to fall apart piece by piece as hour after torturous hour passed. Trying to make himself cope with the truth. Hoping against hope that perhaps this was some horrible dream from which he would awaken. How could the only person who had ever truly understood him now be dead? The vastness of an eternity without her smile faced him. Oh, how he had taken her presence for granted! He had never told her how he felt because he assumed she would always be there. How wrong he was.
::Comin' down the world turned over...::
The funeral was horrible beyond comprehension. It was raining, and dark clouds loomed on the horizon, warning of the storm they carried with them. Relena lay in her casket, clothed in a simple black dress, her sweet face framed by a pool of blonde hair. Milliardo Peacecraft allowed only a select few to attend his sister's burial service. The five Gundam pilots were there, each taking the young vice foreign minister's passing in his own way.
Duo Maxwell and his girlfriend Hilde Schibecker were, for once, perfectly still and silent. Never before had anyone seen them so sullen. They were usually so vivacious and full of life. Only death could have possibly effected such a change in their attitudes. Duo's hair was an unkempt, tangled mass that fell free of its braid to his knees. Hilde whimpered every now and then, holding fast to Duo's arm for support. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. Relena had been her best friend, and it was quite obvious that Hilde was devastated by the loss.
Quatre Winner had early on thrown himself sobbing at Trowa Barton. Nary a one took it as hard as Quatre did, for it was he who had been the closest person to Relena during her last days. He shook with his arms around Trowa, making small bleating sounds into the Latin boy's shoulder. Trowa watched the happenings silently, staring blankly just as he always did. Though he had not known Relena personally, he had been touched by how much Quatre admired and loved her. The pain he felt was for the Arabian.
::And angels fall without you there...::
Chang Wufei looked on from a distance, his expression sour as usual. Death was something that he had learned to live with. He had killed many people, tasted the heat of battle many times. But this time was different. This girl, so innocent, so young, did not deserve to die. He had only once before experienced the painful side of death, and that was when Meiran had died. He thought of how different his wife and Relena were, and yet how their lives had ended so similarly. They were both without blame, and they had both died so young. He leaned back against a tree with his arms crossed, looked briefly to the sky and mouthed, "Nataku."
No one could have guessed that Heero felt anything. His Prussian eyes were as hard as ever. His mouth was pressed in the usual scowl. No one had ever known while Relena lived that he loved her, and no one knew what he was feeling now. Inside, however, no one, not even Quatre, was screaming as loud as he. No one could possibly know what was going on in his heart, not even Duo, his best friend. The sight of this beautiful girl so lifeless in her casket was almost more than the perfect soldier could bear, and yet he held his head high.
::And I go on as you get colder...::
Milliardo was equally strong. He stood majestically, listening intently to the priest who was now praying over his sister's body, and all the while he supported his crying wife Lucrezia Noin-Peacecraft in his arms. He remained tall and proud, undaunted as he always had been before.
The Priest closed the prayer as usual. "Enamena patrus, et filili, et spiritus sanctus, amen."
Milliardo stepped up to his sister's casket and stroked her cheek with his finger. A hint of a smile crossed his face even though tears had now come to his eyes. "Good-bye, my dear little sister," he whispered. He ran his hand down her arm and held her hand for a moment. Then he kissed her and turned back to his wife.
::Or are you someone's prayer?::
Quatre managed to come forward, holding a single white rose, unable to stop sobbing. He lifted the dead girl's hand and placed the rose in it. "Farewell, Relena," he managed to whimper, and then, burying his face in his hands, he sobbed and his knees buckled. Trowa caught him and helped him to his feet.
Hilde was the next to approach the casket, her arm entwined with Duo's for support. She cleared her throat and said aloud, "I'll miss you so much, Relena." Her tiny voice broke on the fourth word, and she swallowed in an effort to regain some amount of composure. "Thank you for being such a wonderful friend." The Great Destroyer helped his girlfriend back away. He held her close and kissed her hair, whispering that everything would be all right.
::You know the lies they always told you...::
The priest motioned for the lid to be closed. Two boys, both younger than the Gundam pilots, began to close casket.
That was when the realization that he would never see Relena again hit Heero. She was dead, gone forever, and he hadn't even been able to tell her good-bye. In a moment of desperation, Heero lunged forward and landed a knuckle on one of the boys' jaws. Sobbing in absolute misery, he collapsed to his knees, hands in prayerlike supplication. Everyone watched in silence, too shocked to move. Heero continued to sob uncontrollably. Finally, defeated, he cried, "Why?!"
Duo came to his side and laid a hand on his trembling shoulder. "C'mon, buddy. Let's get out of here."
Heero turned on his best friend like a rabid dog. "Don't touch me!" he snarled, tearing away madly. "Don't ever touch me again!"
The American boy stumbled backward, surprised and hurt by his fellow pilot's outburst. "I'm sorry, Heero," he breathed, confusion evident in his voice.
"You don't understand!" Heero insisted. "She's gone! Do you hear me, baka? She's dead! And I never told her that--" He stopped abruptly, realizing what he was saying.
"You never told her what, Yuy?" Milliardo's voice said from behind Heero.
::And the love you never knew...::
The Japanese boy locked eyes with the former Lightning Baron. "Nothing," he said firmly. "Just forget about it."
Milliardo turned back to the boys who Heero had stopped. "Close the casket."
Struggling to his feet, Heero staggered to Relena's coffin and leaned down close to her, breathing on the cold cheek of the princess. "I love you, Relena," he whispered. "Good-bye."
::What's the things they never showed you...::
The coffin lid clicked shut.
Heero turned and walked down the road, past Duo, who was trembling trying to keep his hurt cries inside. The perfect soldier didn't slow down or turn around. His walk was determined and sure. He knew what he was going to do now; he wouldn't be stopped.
It was 11 o'clock before Heero reached his apartment. It had rained all the way home, and he now shivered from the cold. He shut his eyes for a moment and let a tear fall. Then, regaining his dignity, he made his way in the darkness to the other side of the room. Reaching under his bed, Heero found his backpack. He fumbled in the darkness but managed to retrieve something. By the light of the full moon that shone through his bedroom window, Heero could make out the form of his gun in his hand.
::That swallowed the light from the sun inside your room, yeah...::
The familiar feeling of cold metal made his toes curl. For the first time in his life, Heero Yuy was afraid to use his gun. A professional assassin, Heero had been raised since birth to kill, and kill he had. Many men had died from bullets from the very gun Heero now held. Bullets...
Heero would have to load the gun. He reached blindly into the drawer that held his ammunition. He had done this so many, many times before, but this time he had to force his hands to work. He loaded the bullets and let his hands search the surface of the gun. Cold. Hard. Metal. Deadly. All these words came to his mind.
"God," he said aloud, "forgive me for this. I can't make it without her."
With his hand at his side, Heero fingered the trigger lightly. How many times had he pulled this trigger before? How many lives had he taken? Too many, too many.
::Coming down the world turned over...::
He thumbed off the safety. The time now had come. Time to see what the ultimate killing machine was really made of, time to see if the perfect soldier had guts, time to see if he had truly lost his soul. Time to be with Relena. He raised the gun to his right temple, cocked it, and gritted his teeth. It was all over now.
"I had a feeling you would do something stupid like this, Yuy."
Heero paused and turned. Somehow he had known that Milliardo Peacecraft would be standing there, and indeed he was. He stepped from the shadows where he had been hiding, platinum blonde hair falling majestically over one shoulder. His intense blue eyes studied the soul of the Gundam pilot, who gazed back in return.
"Hello, Zechs," Heero said softly, then corrected himself with, "I'm sorry. It's Milliardo Peacecraft now, isn't it?"
::And angels fall without you there...::
The corners of Milliardo's mouth curled ever so slightly. "Whichever you prefer," he replied, his voice soothing as a cat's pur. "Zechs Merquise has never completely died, and Milliardo Peacecraft has never been completely alive. Those two have become one and the same--me."
"What do you want?"
The former Lightning Baron seated himself. "To ask you something. What good will killing yourself now accomplish?"
Wing Zero's pilot thought for a second, then sighed, "I will be with her again."
Zechs scoffed.
"What is it?"
"You."
::And I go on as you get colder...::
"I don't find myself remotely funny."
Zechs stood to his full height of six feet four. "You're not funny," he said, his seriousness returning. "You're foolish."
There followed a long pause. "Foolish?" the younger boy echoed, his voice cold and monotone.
"You still don't understand, do you? You still think that she didn't know, but she did."
"Know--what?"
Zechs gave an exasperated sigh. "That you loved her. She knew that as well as I do."
Heero looked away, chuckling feebly. "Lying to me to make me feel better isn't going to help, Zechs."
Zechs leaned forward, a smirk appearing on his lips. "I'm not trying to make you feel better. You never understood my sister, and you never will. She knew all along that you loved her--"
"No! Stop it!"
"--but you were too proud to tell her that."
::Or are you someone's prayer?::
Heero remembered that he had his gun in his hand. He once again stroked the trigger with his finger. "Go away, Zechs. The war is over, and there is no need for me anymore."
"No," was the soft reply. "No, you're wrong."
"Wrong?" the boy returned, his voice an incredulous whine. "Wrong about what?"
"Relena wouldn't have wanted it to end this way. She had a dream, and she would have wanted you to fulfill it."
Emotionless eyes was the only answer Zechs received.
"Listen to me," Relena's brother went on. "Treize Khrushrenada dreamed of universal peace, and when he died, what did his lover do?"
::And there's no time left for losin'...::
"His lover?" Heero repeated.
Zechs shook his head in disgust. "Can you be so blind to everything, boy? Lady Une. What did Lady Une do after Treize died?"
"She--" Heero began but stopped.
"She carried on his dream after his death, and look where she's led the colonies. Much of what Treize dreamed of has come to pass. Remember when everyone thought I had been killed in Libra's explosion? Well, Noin did the same thing Une did. She tried to fulfill my ideals even though she thought I would not be there to see her do it."
"Get to the point, Zechs. I don't have time for your intellectual nonsense."
"Very well. The point is this: Relena had a dream of total universal pacifism. She died before that dream was accomplished. It is tragic, yes, but it is not the end. It is up to us, those who loved her, to carry on that dream."
Heero raised the gun to his head once again, giving Zechs a defiant glare.
Zechs tried to wrench the weapon from Heero's hand, but to no avail. He turned away, disgusted. "If you want to be a fool, go ahead. The world is better off without weaklings," he muttered. "I bid you farewell, Heero Yuy. May God be merciful to your soul." So saying, Zechs Merquise exited, leaving the perfect soldier alone with death.
Heero looked at the moon and the stars that shone brightly through his window. "She always loved the stars," he said aloud, a smile playing at his lips. "How she loved the stars."
Indeed, Relena had loved the stars. So many nights Heero had watched her gazing up at them. Several times he had heard her make a wish. Once he had even heard her wish to see him again. That had been the last time he had seen Relena alive.
The gun was loaded, cocked, and in his hand.
::When you stand they fall, yeah...::
He put it to his temple once again and shut his eyes. His finger tightened on the trigger.
"Heero, I don't think you understand. The goal of universal peace cannot be achieved through death. Only through life and people's understanding of the value of humanity. Killing isn't the answer to anything."
Relena's words came to his mind. It had been so long ago since she had said that to him. But now they were in his mind, seeping into his brain, making him remember things that he did not want to recall. Try as he might, he could not force his finger to move.
"This is right," he said aloud. "This is good. I deserve to die. I've caused so much misery. I've killed so many people, wrecked so many families. My life has been nothing but waste. I'm just a nameless, heartless, soulless killing machine. This is justice."
Another memory came into his head.
"You're planning to die, aren't you, Heero?" Relena's soft eyes searched his face with inquisitive fear as the Gundam pilot was loading into Wing Zero. She was absolutely beautiful, and Heero had to concentrate to keep from blurting the words, "I love you."
"I'll defeat Zechs," he had replied, avoiding her question. "Then I'll go get Treize, and then the war will be over."
Her hand came to his shoulder. His heart began to beat more quickly.
"No!" she insisted.
Relena was so passionate, so convicted. She believed in what she stood for. Now, with her lips only inches from his, the perfect soldier fought to hold himself back, not to plunge his mouth into hers with all the demands he felt inside. He inched closer to her, a hint of a smile on his face.
"Heero..." she began.
Struggling to keep his jumbled emotions from showing, he managed to whisper, "Believe in me." With that, he pushed her aside and closed the cockpit of Zero. When he knew she could not hear him, he breathed, "Farewell, Relena."
Heero was startled by footsteps outside his apartment door. He stared in silence as a shadow came by and passed something under the door. Then the footsteps retreated down the hall, down the stairs, and out into the night. The perfect solder walked silently to where the thing had been left and studied it. It was a letter.
The handwriting on the front was of such a delicate nature. It was addressed to him. Heero ripped the edge open and pulled out the pink stationary inside. The date was one week earlier, the night Relena had died. Heero's heart stopped beating. The letter read:
Dearest Heero,
I am dying. My brother and Quatre both tell me that I shall live, but I know that I am dying. Perhaps it is well that things should end this way. It seems that I have achieved nothing by my ideals. Humanity will always fight, and nothing, not even death, can stop human nature. I have been so foolish to think that I could change the hearts and minds of men. Pacifism is just a dream, a fantasy, a hope that has lived in my soul and the souls of a handful of others. Humans will not always need leaders like me to tell them how to think.
But they shall always need people like you. You are so very strong, so very brave. Nothing frightens you.
Heero looked away and scoffed. "You're wrong, Relena," he whispered, stroking the pink paper with his finger. "I am so very, very afraid. I'm afraid to have to live without you." He went back to the letter.
::Coming down the world turned over...::
And that is why I love you.
He felt his heart flutter.
You are so strong, so secure, so certain. You never falter. You are the one thing in my life that I am sure of, Heero. You are always standing firm, a cleft in the rock of this insanity for me to hide away in. I knew from the second I first saw you lying in the sand on the beach that you wear a part of my life, my being. You were as much Relena Peacecraft as I. The bond that I felt, and still feel, with you is inexplicable, and it frightens me; yet, somehow, I belong to it. I belong to you. My heart is yours completely and eternally.
I am sure that this will not reach you before I die. Do not be sad for me, Heero. I could not bear to think that I have caused you any pain. I want you to know that I am happy to die, that I feel I have fulfilled my role in life. I have no regrets in dying but one, and that is that I did not get to see you. But I wish you to know something: I have known all along that you have loved me. I understand that you are a perfect soldier, that love is forbidden to you, and that is why you have had to keep your true feelings inside. To me, however, there has not been one glance, one word, or one breath that has not betrayed your true feelings. I do not need to hear the words from your lips; I know that you love me. Please know that I love you more than I can express.
And so with this letter I must leave you. I am prepared to die. I feel peaceful about the entire ordeal. And though I never got to tell you, Heero, you are my hero, and I love you.
Yours forever and ever,
Relena
Heero sobbed loudly and dropped his gun to the floor. Tears spilled over his cheeks despite his best efforts to contain them. But this time, the tears were both of bitterness and happiness. She knew. She knew! She knew all along that he was in love with her. Even though he had never let the words escape, she had known. A tremendous weight of guilt lifted from his soul. He rocked back and forth, sobbing out of joy.
::And angels fall without you there...::
He let the words play in his mind. She knew. She loved him. She believe in him. That was all he needed to know. With that knowledge, he could go on, he could face the world. And he realized that Zechs had been correct.
::I go on as you grow colder all because I'm...::
Relena would not have wanted him to give up so easily.
::Coming down the years turned over...::
ONE YEAR LATER:
Heero stood on the freshly cut grass, staring silently on the tombstone that read "Relena Darlian Peacecraft, A.C. 180--A.C. 198." He held some flowers in his right hand, flowers that he himself had picked especially for her. He knelt and, choking back the tears that he felt, managed to whisper, "I miss you so much."
::And angels fall without you there...::
He lay the flowers gently by the stone. "It's all over, Relena. Finally, your dreams have come true. All the fighting has stopped. The Gundams are gone now. Everything has happened just as you wanted it to. I wish that you could be here to see it. If you were alive, my world would be perfect."
::I'll go on...::
The no longer perfect soldier let a tear escape. He shut his eyes and continued, "I wish I had told you with my words, Relena. But, wherever you are, please know that I love you."
::I will lead you home and all because of...::
With that, Heero Yuy turned and left. He knew not what the world might have in store for him, and he knew not where he would finally belong. But he knew that somewhere, someday, there would be a place for him, a place where he could live and die, laugh and cry, fail and triumph.
::All because of...::
With the memory of Relena's love and hope for tomorrow, he could endure anything.
::I'll become what you became to me...::
OWARI