The non-adventures of Ark
Episode 2: Boredom is Forever
Scene 1
(Ark and Cojiro are in Ark's house in Loire)
Ark: Phew! That was an interesting and informative fight with the fake Dais. What do you think, Coj? I can call you Coj, right?
Cojiro: (Distant) No.
Ark: What's that you're reading? It's huge!
Cojiro: (looking up) It's 'The genealogy of the holy war' by Terranigma Freak. It's class, is this.
Ark: What's it about?
(Cojiro looks blank. Long silence.)
Ark: Anyway! I was thinking of writing a book myself. I want to do a travel journal, like that bloke. You know. The one I met in Louran? Hedyn. That's it, Hedyn. I was thinking of travelling all over the world in the quickest time possible. I was thinking I could do it in, oh, probably around 80 days.
Cojiro: That would be 80 days around the world then, would it?
Ark: Yeah. That's catchy, isn't it! But where do I start? I need a mode of transport. A quick kind of flying transport. I've got it! Come with me!
Scene 2
(Sanctuar)
Cojiro: Ark. I can see why you thought of this as a good place, but…
Ark: Ssshhh! I'm trying to attract this gull.
Cojiro: Ark. You're at least 18 times as heavy as that gull. It would die instantly the moment it left the ground.
Ark: Eh, either way…
Cojiro: May I make a more… clever suggestion? How about we go and see Will? He'll fix us up with a plane.
Ark: Nice thinking bro'! I can call you that, can't I?
Cojiro: No.
Scene 3
(Inside Will's house)
Will: SO! It appears now YOU need a favour from ME! Well, I don't see I owe you anything. After all, this plane was built solely by me. I don't recall any help I needed in getting the necessary metal to build it. Do you?
Ark: …(thinks) Well. Umm. There was that little event where I went to Yunkou to enquire about metal prices, and I got caught up in a scandal involving two brothers which involved me rescuing a princess and eventually being knocked unconscious by an explosion. Remember that?
Will: Well, I remember the bit with the metal…
Cojiro: Look, you gonna give us a plane or not? Because if you don't, I'll get very, very angry with you. And then you won't get a tip. Eh? What do you think of that, fly boy?
Will: Well, not much. You already paid me.
(Cojiro looks blank)
Cojiro: You're mistaken there, Willy.
Will: Look, here's the signed receipt of our transaction.
Cojiro: You could have got that anywhere.
Will: But the signed copy is in your pocket.
Cojiro: I see then! That's very convenient! …Now where's the plane?
Scene 4
(Ark and Cojiro enter Freedom town)
Ark: I can't tell you how good it feels to walk into a normal town again. Not like that Loire when fake Dais ruled it. shudder
Cojiro: Yes, I agree. Now, if we raise our heads slightly, we should be able to see the town we love so much. WHAT!
(The town has been replaced by wooden shacks with tribesmen running around)
Ark: Maybe we should split up. We'll cover more ground that way. We'll meet up in that suspiciously large shack. You know, the one that says 'Leader lives here'.
Cojiro: Affirmative.
Ark: Meet up with you later, pal. I can call you pal, right?
Cojiro: No.
Scene 5
(Cojiro enters a strange clearing in the forest he was in)
Cojiro: This is mightily odd. (Turns to camera) You know, in a R.P.G., this would be the prime place for meeting another character and/or fighting him/her.
(silence)
Cojiro: Yup. But this is real life. Let's press on.
(A strange sound is heard from far off)
Cojiro: That sound… that could only be one thing. U.K.T.!
U.K.T.: WAAHAAHAAHAWAH! I am the U.K.T.! What are you going to do about it?
Cojiro: Well first, do you have hostile intent?
U.K.T.: Hostile intent?… You do know what my initials stand for, do you not? Ultimate Kick Thwapper! I'm on Wertigon's side! Hah! Those boredom kits will soon be deployed around the world…
Cojiro: Well that's just plum. I'm afraid I'll have to stop you there, Mr. Thwapper.
U.K.T.: What're you going to do?
Cojiro casts 'Silence' level 8!
U.K.T.: Ohh, I can't move!… I'll get you for this Cojiroooooo!
Scene 6
(Ark is about to enter the leader's hut)
Ark: Raindrops keep falling on my head… but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red…. Da da da de de…
Voice: WHAT? What is that infernal racket?
Ark: ?(goes inside, humming tune) Heylo? Anybody home?
Voice: Ah! Ark! I knew you'd come.
(Ark stifles a snigger)
Voice: Ahem! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the all singing, all dancing, overlord of all salesmen! Wertigon!!!
Ark: Gasp! … Raindrops keep falling on my head…
Wertigon: I'd have thought you'd have been more shocked than that…
Ark: Oh, I am, I am. I just know the program now. You'll have some scheme. Am I right?
Wertigon: Well, no, actually! I have no scheme. I do, however, have a plan. (Lights darken) I will fill the world with boredom. That is my plan. When everyone's bored, they won't care less when I use all their computers to work on 'PROJECT ONLINE!'™.
Ark: Gasp! Gasp! How do you plan to do that, then?
Wertigon: Easy! I will use my patented Boredom Kits™! They are self unpacking and they are 97% guaranteed to make you bored! The only problem is… I once new a person. He had the power to make boredom kits. He called his, Boredom Extravaganza packs™. They were sigh more powerful than mine… But that won't stop me now! The U.K.T. is spreading them as we speak!
Ark: !!!… Raindrops keep falling…
Scene 7
(Cojiro is going through the shacks to find Ark)
Cojiro: He'd better be in this one!
(Opens door)
Cojiro: Wow! Cherubae!
Cherubae: And that concludes my notes for my speech on world peace. Cojiro! What are you doing here?
Cojiro: I came to rescue Ark from U.K.T. and boredom kits are being spread by Wertigon so he can work on 'project online'™!
Cherubae: …Cojiro being on the Message board. Me being in Freedom. Freedom being in Terranigma. Cojiro conversing with Ark. Ark being fictional. Oh dear… my head… I feel…
Cojiro: Faint?
(Cherubae faints)
Scene 8
Ark: Wertigon you… you… (turns away) Bleah to you!
Wertigon: Maybe you should deal with my small sidekick. BeamCauldron! Enter!
BC: Hmm. This really wasn't what I expected from a fanfic. It's just like the one's Dais did!
Wertigon: Sure, that's fine. Now get him!
BC: Instead of 'getting' people, can't I lecture them? You know, lecture them in successful writing?
Wertigon: sigh Just get him will you?
BC: But what is 'getting' in this modern world. That gives me an idea for a fanfic! Hold that thought everybody!
(BeamCauldron runs away)
Wertigon: Never the less, I can still bore you so you couldn't care less about me! I'm sending out my Boredom Kit™, version 4.0!
(Wertigon throws boredom kit, but it hangs in mid air)
Wertigon: What the…?
(James Bond music starts. Cojiro smashes through the wall in a tank)
Cojiro: Hah! I'm using my powers as a boredom type person to hold him back! Ark! I spoke to Cher, this isn't the real Wertigon!
Ark: Well, duh.
(Ark and Cojiro beat up fake Wertigon)
Fake Wertigon: Nooooooo! My life! Help me…. Someone. dies
(Wertigon descends from the ceiling, Princess Peach style)
Wertigon: Thanks Ark and Coj! I can call you Coj, right.
Cojiro: Sure!
(Ark grumbles)
Scene 9
(In Ark's house in Loire)
Ark: So, you ever work out what T Freak's book was about?
Cojiro: Yeah! It's pretty cool. It's about Ark stuck in FE4!
(Silence)
Ark: But that's… me. Why would someone write about me?
Cojiro: Yeah, only losers write about game people in comic situations. Umm. Okay. So, get anywhere with your book?
Ark: No. I never got the plane, see.
Cojiro: Classic. Well, I guess that's the end of our wacky and crazy adventures. I wonder what will happen to us next?
Ark: Yeah… Raindrops keep falling on my head…
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Copyright notes:
Boredom Kit™ and Project Online™ are ® of Wertigon. Boredom Extravaganza kit™ is a ® of Cojiro. Wertigon © and Cojiro © are copyrighted trademarks.