Author's note: Part five. My little Tai/Matt part.
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Title: Break the cycle: OUTSIDE
//And you, bring me to my kees
again All the times,
I had to beg you please//
Tai looked up as Matt hollered, his gaze spinning to look at Sora in Izzy's arms, both their faces as red as Izzy's hair with the realization that the entire group was staring at them.
The others clapped, and he joined them half-heartedly. He was happy for his friends, but he didn't register anything beyond the fact that Matt was clapping the loudest at the sight of his fiancee and friend kissing. Leave it to Tai to be the last to know.
Was he bitter? Yes, and no. He loved his friends, loved them all dearly. They were truly the best that anyone could ask for. They would stand by him, as he would stand by them.
As for the 'know every little secret' type friends, only three out of the group had ever truly known him. Davis, because they were kindred spirits; Kari, since she was his own flesh-and-blood; and years ago, Matt. Because they balanced each other, could read each other. He had been close to Sora, but she was too...something. Just, not close enough to share that much with.
They, Matt and Tai, had been so close, they had seemed inseperable. Even when Matt started dating Sora, whom the others thought of as 'Tai's girl', they had kept together. Nothing could break them apart.
//-in vain
All the times,
that I feel insecure
for you and I leave my burdens at the door//
Except maybe Tai, himself. When Matt had stopped writing the others for long periods of time, the former leader had hid the letters he received weekly, not wanting them to notice anything out of the ordinary. Matt had sent more letters to him than any of the others, but he hadn't written back. He couldn't bring himself to pen a response, not one that he thought Matt would want to hear.
He had every record they put out, each single. He had a scrapbook that he had made, starting from the time that the Teenage Wolves played their first gig, to the last concert that Matt had given. Tai was aware that there was only one left. The blonde had included it in his last letter.
Just because he didn't respond, didn't mean that Tai didn't read the letters that he got. They were stashed in a stackable tupperware set, filed according to date, his favorites earmarked. He had almost thrown it out several times, but he gave up when he found himself standing over the trash can, his knuckles white as they refused to loosen on the handles.
//But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in//
Their was no doubt in his mind that he loved Ishida Yamato, just as he knew that his friend loved him in return, even if that love was different. Letter after letter, he had tried to put his emotions in the back of his head as he composed the letter that would put Matt's mind to ease about their friendsip. He asked for reassurance time and time again, apologizing for never visiting for long enough.
He had never noticed that it was really Tai who never stayed long. That it was Tai who avoided his phone calls, ignoring the knocking when the blonde did manage to stop long enough to look him up again. Matt simply took the blame, and pleaded for forgiveness that would never come, because there was nothing to forgive.
How do you tell your best friend that you want nothing to do with them, because the sound of their name kills a little piece of your soul? How do you say that a fuzzy photograph sends such a heart-breaking ache through your body, stirring a craving for their company, the sound of their voice, the touch of their skin?
How do you say that to another guy, when they once hit their own brother for being gay?
He apologized for that one, too. TK had accepted that, and they were close, now. But it had nearly killed Tai, and he had refused to have anything at all to do with Matt until he spoke things out with his brother. He said at the time that it wasn't right for Matt to judge, and he had meant it. To Yagami 'Tai' Taichi, love was love, and it didn't matter who you loved, as long as you loved.
And he loved his homophobic ex-best friend, who had, it seemed, recently broken his engagement, and was at that moment stalking toward him, his blue eyes hardened by determination.
//I can see through you
See your true colors//
Tai felt his heart lift at the sight of that pale face, despite its single-minded hardness. Those dear, familiar features that haunted his dreams, the mask that he had fallen in love with at the tender age of eleven.
Even if he hadn't exactly been tender at that age. He had been so full of himself, and so cock-sure, that nobody, in his mind, could possibly have been a better leader, and digidestined than he. Hindsight was painful.
Angst-ridden, prepubescent jerk was a better description of what he had been then. Not that he'd really changed all that much. They fought like kids all through high school. If it hadn't been for college, and the tour-circuit, they probably would have kept arguing forever, content to win every other battle.
He looked away from Yamato to where Daisuke had taken over the conversation with Cody, and Joe. There was an interesting trio. Two brains and the brainless wonder. Or, two jocks and the four-eyed geek. Or, two of the people he'd thought about replacing Yama, and dismissed.
Oh, yes. He was pathetic. He couldn't have his heart's desire, so he started lusting after half his friends. Except for Takeru, who was just too similar and yet different from his brother. And Cody, because his sister would have killed him. The teacher and the lawyer. It sounded like some cheap romance novel.
//Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you//
No, that wasn't fair. They were a wonderful couple. Two of the nicest, and most giving people in the world, and they were together. He glanced over at his sister, trying to keep his gaze anywhere but the approaching blonde.
Kari. Beautiful, sweet Kari, who had helped to save both worlds twice. Her and Takeru. Takeru who looked so much like his brother. Beautiful, like Kari. Angelic, and innocent, like their partners. Patamon, who with Gatomon was holding a similar meeting in the Digital World, according to Agumon.
Agumon, his best friend. He had left him out of his list of most trusted people earlier, mainly because even the orange Digimon was kept in the dark about his love life.
Or lack thereof. He wasn't about to tell the lover of his love's partner. That would be like telling Yamato himself. Not that Agumon, or Gabumon had big mouthes, per se, but they weren't exactly the most secretive of digimon, either.
Of course, they only told each other and their partners, which was the problem. His partner's lover's partner. Yeah. Something like that.
"Yagami."
//All the times that I felt
like this won't end//
Oh, god. That voice. The sweet melody that invaded his soul with it's gentle whisper. The chime of that glorius god-like creature he wished for his own, with the touch of silk...
"Yo, Tai!" A pale hand hit him none too gently on the side of the head, pulling him out of his thoughts. So much for a light touch. "Are you with us now?"
The smile was the same. Mocking, but concerned if you knew where to look. Controlled, and calmed, with the slightest hint of worry in the corner. How can anyone look into those eyes, and remember their name? How could you walk away from that glow, the essence of life that sat like an aura around him?
When the hell did he start to be poetic? Yagami Taichi was not a poet, he wasn't a writer. He was simply in love. With another angel, one that he could only watch from beneath the pedestal.
__________________
Interesting. From Matt's side of things, still 3rd person
__________________
//was for you
And I taste what I could
never have
it's from you//
Damn Tai. Why couldn't he even look at him? Was it too much to expect that brown gaze to rest on him with a hint of it's normal intensity, it's curious, and comforting light? He needed to look into those eyes, to know the thoughts behind them. To feel the connection they had shared once.
Impossible, probably. He knew that once upon a time, he had been the center of Taichi's universe, as Tai had been his. That was before he asked Sora out, before he used his friend as a cover from himself, and his other half.
His better half. That life, the energy that focused on something, and changed it with is determination that it should be different. The half that had stood up to the Dark Masters with a certainty that he could only pretend at.
Tai was the person he wished he could be. Strength, perseverance, integrity. He would never run away just because he was afraid of facing the person he was. His best friend would never do that.
It wasn't Tai's fault that he never happened to be home when Matt came to visit. It wasn't his fault that he missed his phone calls, and never got the letters. That was the problem, after all. He had never known how hard Matt tried to get in touch with him. How much the blonde needed him, needed to hear is voice.
//All the times that I've tried, my intentions
full of pride
But I waste more time
Than anyone//
How could he blame the brunette for the distance between them? It wasn't possible. He had screwed up, and he'd been forced to pay the consequences ever since.
Not anymore. He was going to take control of his life. No more concerts, no more publicity. He was ready to take over, and there wasn't anything in the world that was going to stop him.
Except for the man studiously avoiding his gaze. The glimpses he caught of those eyes were guilt-filled, and apologetic. That wasn't right. Tai wasn't to blame. Matt had screwed up. But he was going to fix it.
He was going to fix everything. He had hope and love on his side. Now, all he needed was the courage to find the words he'd tried so hard to press down for six years. Hell, since he was a kid.
There was no avoiding it any longer. No more hiding from himself. No more running away from Tai, and pretending he wasn't in love with him.
//But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in//
"Matt, I'm sorry." That stopped whatever confession he'd been about to utter. He was speechless for a moment, uncertain as to where that apology had come from. "I'm sorry that I've ignored your phone calls, and haven't answered any of your letters, and that I pretended I wasn't home when you came. I'm so sorry."
He had...what? The guilty eyes, and the nervous hitch in his breathing. The remorse and pain when he pretended that Matt didn't exist. He struggled with the realization for a moment, wanting to deny it. His brain refused to listen. "You pushed me away."
It wasn't a question, and it didn't deserve a response. Tai accepted that, and forced himself to look at Matt.
The blonde was stunned. All the thoughts, all the speeches that he had planned flew out of his mind. With those words, with that apology, all of his hopes crashed. It wasn't his fault. He had done nothing.
Tai had decided that he wasn't worth his time, that they weren't friends. Tai had made the choice to throw almost a decade worth of memories and dreams out of the window.
"Why?" His voice wavered, a hoarse, dry sound. His blue eyes were dark pools of pain, and he could feel the ache begin deep in his stomach. A lifetime of hopes, and years of friendship, washed away in one afternoon.
He had thought that he could capture that elusive bond that had existed between them since the beginning. Through arguements, battles, and opposing viewpoints, they had built their relationship on the knoweledge that they would always be there for each other.
"Why wasn't I good enough for you?" The anger began to well up, overpowering the desolation. "When did you decide that, oh benevolent leader?"
Tai flinched, and looked away. Matt ignored the flash of pain in his eyes. Screw courage. Screw friendship. And FUCK love!
//I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me//
"How dare you? We saved the world side-by-side, Yagami. We went through hell and back together. And it's that simple for you to throw it all away?"
"Yamato-"
"Shut up!" He complied, meeting that hard blue gaze again. "Damn you." He almost smiled, the curve to his lips feral. "You're a fucking bastard, Yagami. And you should be sorry, because you've just thrown away the most important relationship with another human being that I've ever had."
"Matt..." He tried again, only to be cut off as the blonde slapped him. Just a swipe across his cheek, but enough to make his head snap back, and his eyes widen in surprise.
"You don't even deserve to talk to me. Anything but this, Tai, and we could have talked it out. I pushed everyone else away, knowing that you alone could sustain me when everything else failed. I had so many hopes for our reunion. I could have faced the world with you, Taichi."
"I'm..."
Another slap, on the other cheek. Tanned cheeks were flushed with shame, and a growing fury. He deserved anything that he got, he knew that. He wasn't even worthy of Matt's scorn, of that the blonde knew. He knew he was pushing his friend, but dammit, he wouldn't be denied an honest explanation, and he knew that Tai would only offer that if he was well and truly pissed. Experience had shown him that.
"You're a bastard, Yagami."
//I can see through you
See to the real you//
"Fuck you." They were staring each other down like old times. Not in the companionable way they had as teens, when they knew each other so well, that there was no chance of actually hurting each other, but as they had as kids. When it came down to whoever broke down first.
"You talk real sorry, Tai. I don't give a rat's ass if you're sorry. I don't want your apology. I. Want. To. Know. WHY!" He lunged at him, sending them sprawling back into the dirt. They had long ago attracted the attention of the others. Some were frowning at them, worried that they were about to kill each other.
Daisuke, Takeru, Hikari, and Sora all watched with approval as the two grown men rolled around on the ground, beating the crap out of each other. As far as they were concerned, it was past due. A few minutes later, dirty and covered in blood and bruises, Tai managed to pin Matt beneath him, his face inches away from the blondes.
"What did I do that made you hate me?" Matt swallowed hard, forcing the question out, closing his eyes against Tai's glare. He couldn't have made the situation worse if he'd tried. Now they were acting like adolescents, and Tai probably hated him for bringing them down to that level. The musician doubted that he'd ever be able to get up without help again. It was meant emotionally, not physically.
He needed Tai, whether he wanted to admit it, or not. He would always need him. It was exactly as he had said. He could live without any of the others, even Takeru, as much as that would pain him. However, the mere thought of a life without Taichi was so painful, that he doubted he'd survive such a fate. Seriously.
Something dripped on his face, and he opened his eyes in surprise. Tai, with bruises forming on both cheeks, was crying above him, his weight supported in his hands pressed on the ground on either side of Matt. "Taichi?" He wanted to reach up, and wipe those tears away, but his hands were stuck to his sides.
"Gods, Yamato, why couldn't you just let it go?" He rasped out, ducking his head so that he wouldn't have to meet the blue eyes that had gone from anger, to caring. He pushed himself up, and away, moving to sit in the dirt beside him, his head against his knees, his arms wrapped aroudn his legs.
Matt slowly sat up, gazing at him. If he hadn't known that he was nearly twenty-six, he would have mistaken him for a little kid in that position. He looked like a scared little boy, lost by himself in a world too big for him. "Tai?" He reached out a hand, touching his shaking shoulder gently.
//All the times that I've cried,
all this wasted,
it's all inside//
Blue eyes looked up, and his gaze connected with Daisuke's first. With a slight smile, he mimicked holding him, and the blonde moved to wrap his arms around his sobbing friend. "I'm so sorry, Yama. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"Shh. I know." Dark arms made their way around his waist, and he felt himself being held tigthly. It wasn't comfortable, but at that point, he didn't care if Tai ever let go. He was being held, and he was holding him, and that was enough.
"I couldn't bring myself to write that letter. Just one letter, Yama, and it would have been over. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't let go of the hope that someday, somehow, it would all work out. I knew it was stupid, and I should have realized that so long ago, but the hope was always there. That, just maybe..."
His gaze moved onto Takeru, who reached over to rub Daisuke's head. The redhead pulled away, giving him a strange look, but Matt got the hint. He smoothed back wild brown hair, still rocking his body. He rested his chin against Tai's temple, not wanting to lose that closeness just yet. He needed it. If nothing else worked out, it would be his only memory of Tai in his arms, of Tai needing him. He fought down tears of his own at the thought of moving onto another life without the brunette.
A bleak, and lonely life.
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Yeah. This will flip back and forth as omnipotent 3rd person
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//And I feel all this
pain stuffed it down//
They both refused to loosen their holds, Tai secure in Matt's arms, Matt concentrating on the breath tickling his neck. If memories were all they had, they were both set to make the most of them. Their audience waited with quiet expectancy.
To say that any of them were surprised would have challenged their intelligence. The chemistry and the bond had been apparent to all of them for a very long time.
"Maybe what?" He had to ask. Whether he wanted the answer or not, the question had to be put to voice. Time wasn't going to freeze for them, and Matt knew that sooner or later, Tai would pull back.
"That maybe we could go back to the beginning, and start again. Reverse all the mistakes we made, take back all the time we wasted by fighting and ignoring each other." Tai pulled away, forcing his puffy eyes to meet Matt's.
"What would that have accomplished?" It was a gentle inquiry, made as he put a pale hand lightly against that dark cheek. "Would it solve all of our problems? Make everything better? Think of everything that we would have missed if we had done things differently. I wouldn't have meant you, if things hadn't been the way they were."
"I don't mean everything. Just some of the small things. Like our bickering, and the fact that I..." He stood up, separating completely from the blonde.
"That you what?" Matt didn't bother to stand up. His blue gaze followed Tai as he walked away from him. He could feel it, they both could. The call of the inevitable. They were going to have to put everything on the line, and hope that it all worked out. Time was running out, and they had to act fast, or take the chance of losing it all.
//It's back again and
I lie here in bed
All alone, but I can't mend//
Instead of answering, Tai dodged the question. "Did you know that I kept everyone of your letters?" Confused by the sudden change in topics, Matt shook his head.
"No. Actually, I thought you'd never gotten them" Tai turned back around.
"Not gotten over a hundred letters?" The thougt was enough to make him question Yamato's IQ, until he rememberd the shocked look on his face when he admitted to ignoring him.
Damn, damn, damn. He didn't want to think about the asshole he'd been for six years. The look in Matt's gaze was sincere. If he asked for it, Tai could have all of his wrongs forgiven. They could start again, and his stupidity and ignorance would be put behind them.
He only had to ask, and the world would be righted, and his best friend would stand beside him forever. Like old times, like always. He opened his mouth, ready to say the words that stuck in his throat. The blonde stood up, his eyes filling with the pain of rejection.
Tai wasn't going to tell him that everything was alright. He wasn't going to put everything back in order so that they could go on with their life together. He had wasted too much time away, that the rift was irrepairable. There was no going back to the days when they were content to spend the day together doing nothing. No more looking up at the stars and making wishes together
//-but I feel
Tomorrow will be O.K.//
Tai watched as his love walked away. He felt as if his heart were bleeding. Of all the scenarios he had ever imagined, this had never been one of them. It didn't seem possible that Matt would walk away without letting him say something.
Takeru stepped over him, and held out a hand. Brown eyes met blue, one pained, the other understanding. "If you let it go now, it will kill you both. It shouldn't end this way. You know that. Don't let him walk away."
He thought for a moment, his gaze returning to the retreating back uncertainly. Daisuke stepped up beside them, his brown eyes reassuring. "Go after him. Tackle him and torture him until he tells you exactly what you want to hear. He needs you, Tai, almost as much as you need him. If not more. What do you have to lose at this point?"
With their assurances and support behind him, he strode forward, intent on Yamato. "Ishida!" Matt stopped, and turned around, his blue eyes hopeful.
"Yeah, Yagami?" He licked his lips, noticing the glint and force behind the brown gaze intent on him. "What now?"
"You were going to walk away." A blonde eyebrow rose at the inanity of that statement. "This should have been done sooner."
"What should have?" His heart was beating faster, waiting to hear those words he needed so desperately.
Tai sighed with impatience. "The part where I tell you that I love you, and you jump into my arms to be carried off into the sunset."
"That part, or the part where I tell you that I love you, and you hire a limo to take me home in the style I deserve?" They stood there, grinning at each other like circus clowns, so lost in feeling that they forgot to move.
_______________________
Title: Break the cycle: OUTSIDE
//And you, bring me to my kees
again All the times,
I had to beg you please//
Tai looked up as Matt hollered, his gaze spinning to look at Sora in Izzy's arms, both their faces as red as Izzy's hair with the realization that the entire group was staring at them.
The others clapped, and he joined them half-heartedly. He was happy for his friends, but he didn't register anything beyond the fact that Matt was clapping the loudest at the sight of his fiancee and friend kissing. Leave it to Tai to be the last to know.
Was he bitter? Yes, and no. He loved his friends, loved them all dearly. They were truly the best that anyone could ask for. They would stand by him, as he would stand by them.
As for the 'know every little secret' type friends, only three out of the group had ever truly known him. Davis, because they were kindred spirits; Kari, since she was his own flesh-and-blood; and years ago, Matt. Because they balanced each other, could read each other. He had been close to Sora, but she was too...something. Just, not close enough to share that much with.
They, Matt and Tai, had been so close, they had seemed inseperable. Even when Matt started dating Sora, whom the others thought of as 'Tai's girl', they had kept together. Nothing could break them apart.
//-in vain
All the times,
that I feel insecure
for you and I leave my burdens at the door//
Except maybe Tai, himself. When Matt had stopped writing the others for long periods of time, the former leader had hid the letters he received weekly, not wanting them to notice anything out of the ordinary. Matt had sent more letters to him than any of the others, but he hadn't written back. He couldn't bring himself to pen a response, not one that he thought Matt would want to hear.
He had every record they put out, each single. He had a scrapbook that he had made, starting from the time that the Teenage Wolves played their first gig, to the last concert that Matt had given. Tai was aware that there was only one left. The blonde had included it in his last letter.
Just because he didn't respond, didn't mean that Tai didn't read the letters that he got. They were stashed in a stackable tupperware set, filed according to date, his favorites earmarked. He had almost thrown it out several times, but he gave up when he found himself standing over the trash can, his knuckles white as they refused to loosen on the handles.
//But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in//
Their was no doubt in his mind that he loved Ishida Yamato, just as he knew that his friend loved him in return, even if that love was different. Letter after letter, he had tried to put his emotions in the back of his head as he composed the letter that would put Matt's mind to ease about their friendsip. He asked for reassurance time and time again, apologizing for never visiting for long enough.
He had never noticed that it was really Tai who never stayed long. That it was Tai who avoided his phone calls, ignoring the knocking when the blonde did manage to stop long enough to look him up again. Matt simply took the blame, and pleaded for forgiveness that would never come, because there was nothing to forgive.
How do you tell your best friend that you want nothing to do with them, because the sound of their name kills a little piece of your soul? How do you say that a fuzzy photograph sends such a heart-breaking ache through your body, stirring a craving for their company, the sound of their voice, the touch of their skin?
How do you say that to another guy, when they once hit their own brother for being gay?
He apologized for that one, too. TK had accepted that, and they were close, now. But it had nearly killed Tai, and he had refused to have anything at all to do with Matt until he spoke things out with his brother. He said at the time that it wasn't right for Matt to judge, and he had meant it. To Yagami 'Tai' Taichi, love was love, and it didn't matter who you loved, as long as you loved.
And he loved his homophobic ex-best friend, who had, it seemed, recently broken his engagement, and was at that moment stalking toward him, his blue eyes hardened by determination.
//I can see through you
See your true colors//
Tai felt his heart lift at the sight of that pale face, despite its single-minded hardness. Those dear, familiar features that haunted his dreams, the mask that he had fallen in love with at the tender age of eleven.
Even if he hadn't exactly been tender at that age. He had been so full of himself, and so cock-sure, that nobody, in his mind, could possibly have been a better leader, and digidestined than he. Hindsight was painful.
Angst-ridden, prepubescent jerk was a better description of what he had been then. Not that he'd really changed all that much. They fought like kids all through high school. If it hadn't been for college, and the tour-circuit, they probably would have kept arguing forever, content to win every other battle.
He looked away from Yamato to where Daisuke had taken over the conversation with Cody, and Joe. There was an interesting trio. Two brains and the brainless wonder. Or, two jocks and the four-eyed geek. Or, two of the people he'd thought about replacing Yama, and dismissed.
Oh, yes. He was pathetic. He couldn't have his heart's desire, so he started lusting after half his friends. Except for Takeru, who was just too similar and yet different from his brother. And Cody, because his sister would have killed him. The teacher and the lawyer. It sounded like some cheap romance novel.
//Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you//
No, that wasn't fair. They were a wonderful couple. Two of the nicest, and most giving people in the world, and they were together. He glanced over at his sister, trying to keep his gaze anywhere but the approaching blonde.
Kari. Beautiful, sweet Kari, who had helped to save both worlds twice. Her and Takeru. Takeru who looked so much like his brother. Beautiful, like Kari. Angelic, and innocent, like their partners. Patamon, who with Gatomon was holding a similar meeting in the Digital World, according to Agumon.
Agumon, his best friend. He had left him out of his list of most trusted people earlier, mainly because even the orange Digimon was kept in the dark about his love life.
Or lack thereof. He wasn't about to tell the lover of his love's partner. That would be like telling Yamato himself. Not that Agumon, or Gabumon had big mouthes, per se, but they weren't exactly the most secretive of digimon, either.
Of course, they only told each other and their partners, which was the problem. His partner's lover's partner. Yeah. Something like that.
"Yagami."
//All the times that I felt
like this won't end//
Oh, god. That voice. The sweet melody that invaded his soul with it's gentle whisper. The chime of that glorius god-like creature he wished for his own, with the touch of silk...
"Yo, Tai!" A pale hand hit him none too gently on the side of the head, pulling him out of his thoughts. So much for a light touch. "Are you with us now?"
The smile was the same. Mocking, but concerned if you knew where to look. Controlled, and calmed, with the slightest hint of worry in the corner. How can anyone look into those eyes, and remember their name? How could you walk away from that glow, the essence of life that sat like an aura around him?
When the hell did he start to be poetic? Yagami Taichi was not a poet, he wasn't a writer. He was simply in love. With another angel, one that he could only watch from beneath the pedestal.
__________________
Interesting. From Matt's side of things, still 3rd person
__________________
//was for you
And I taste what I could
never have
it's from you//
Damn Tai. Why couldn't he even look at him? Was it too much to expect that brown gaze to rest on him with a hint of it's normal intensity, it's curious, and comforting light? He needed to look into those eyes, to know the thoughts behind them. To feel the connection they had shared once.
Impossible, probably. He knew that once upon a time, he had been the center of Taichi's universe, as Tai had been his. That was before he asked Sora out, before he used his friend as a cover from himself, and his other half.
His better half. That life, the energy that focused on something, and changed it with is determination that it should be different. The half that had stood up to the Dark Masters with a certainty that he could only pretend at.
Tai was the person he wished he could be. Strength, perseverance, integrity. He would never run away just because he was afraid of facing the person he was. His best friend would never do that.
It wasn't Tai's fault that he never happened to be home when Matt came to visit. It wasn't his fault that he missed his phone calls, and never got the letters. That was the problem, after all. He had never known how hard Matt tried to get in touch with him. How much the blonde needed him, needed to hear is voice.
//All the times that I've tried, my intentions
full of pride
But I waste more time
Than anyone//
How could he blame the brunette for the distance between them? It wasn't possible. He had screwed up, and he'd been forced to pay the consequences ever since.
Not anymore. He was going to take control of his life. No more concerts, no more publicity. He was ready to take over, and there wasn't anything in the world that was going to stop him.
Except for the man studiously avoiding his gaze. The glimpses he caught of those eyes were guilt-filled, and apologetic. That wasn't right. Tai wasn't to blame. Matt had screwed up. But he was going to fix it.
He was going to fix everything. He had hope and love on his side. Now, all he needed was the courage to find the words he'd tried so hard to press down for six years. Hell, since he was a kid.
There was no avoiding it any longer. No more hiding from himself. No more running away from Tai, and pretending he wasn't in love with him.
//But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in//
"Matt, I'm sorry." That stopped whatever confession he'd been about to utter. He was speechless for a moment, uncertain as to where that apology had come from. "I'm sorry that I've ignored your phone calls, and haven't answered any of your letters, and that I pretended I wasn't home when you came. I'm so sorry."
He had...what? The guilty eyes, and the nervous hitch in his breathing. The remorse and pain when he pretended that Matt didn't exist. He struggled with the realization for a moment, wanting to deny it. His brain refused to listen. "You pushed me away."
It wasn't a question, and it didn't deserve a response. Tai accepted that, and forced himself to look at Matt.
The blonde was stunned. All the thoughts, all the speeches that he had planned flew out of his mind. With those words, with that apology, all of his hopes crashed. It wasn't his fault. He had done nothing.
Tai had decided that he wasn't worth his time, that they weren't friends. Tai had made the choice to throw almost a decade worth of memories and dreams out of the window.
"Why?" His voice wavered, a hoarse, dry sound. His blue eyes were dark pools of pain, and he could feel the ache begin deep in his stomach. A lifetime of hopes, and years of friendship, washed away in one afternoon.
He had thought that he could capture that elusive bond that had existed between them since the beginning. Through arguements, battles, and opposing viewpoints, they had built their relationship on the knoweledge that they would always be there for each other.
"Why wasn't I good enough for you?" The anger began to well up, overpowering the desolation. "When did you decide that, oh benevolent leader?"
Tai flinched, and looked away. Matt ignored the flash of pain in his eyes. Screw courage. Screw friendship. And FUCK love!
//I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me//
"How dare you? We saved the world side-by-side, Yagami. We went through hell and back together. And it's that simple for you to throw it all away?"
"Yamato-"
"Shut up!" He complied, meeting that hard blue gaze again. "Damn you." He almost smiled, the curve to his lips feral. "You're a fucking bastard, Yagami. And you should be sorry, because you've just thrown away the most important relationship with another human being that I've ever had."
"Matt..." He tried again, only to be cut off as the blonde slapped him. Just a swipe across his cheek, but enough to make his head snap back, and his eyes widen in surprise.
"You don't even deserve to talk to me. Anything but this, Tai, and we could have talked it out. I pushed everyone else away, knowing that you alone could sustain me when everything else failed. I had so many hopes for our reunion. I could have faced the world with you, Taichi."
"I'm..."
Another slap, on the other cheek. Tanned cheeks were flushed with shame, and a growing fury. He deserved anything that he got, he knew that. He wasn't even worthy of Matt's scorn, of that the blonde knew. He knew he was pushing his friend, but dammit, he wouldn't be denied an honest explanation, and he knew that Tai would only offer that if he was well and truly pissed. Experience had shown him that.
"You're a bastard, Yagami."
//I can see through you
See to the real you//
"Fuck you." They were staring each other down like old times. Not in the companionable way they had as teens, when they knew each other so well, that there was no chance of actually hurting each other, but as they had as kids. When it came down to whoever broke down first.
"You talk real sorry, Tai. I don't give a rat's ass if you're sorry. I don't want your apology. I. Want. To. Know. WHY!" He lunged at him, sending them sprawling back into the dirt. They had long ago attracted the attention of the others. Some were frowning at them, worried that they were about to kill each other.
Daisuke, Takeru, Hikari, and Sora all watched with approval as the two grown men rolled around on the ground, beating the crap out of each other. As far as they were concerned, it was past due. A few minutes later, dirty and covered in blood and bruises, Tai managed to pin Matt beneath him, his face inches away from the blondes.
"What did I do that made you hate me?" Matt swallowed hard, forcing the question out, closing his eyes against Tai's glare. He couldn't have made the situation worse if he'd tried. Now they were acting like adolescents, and Tai probably hated him for bringing them down to that level. The musician doubted that he'd ever be able to get up without help again. It was meant emotionally, not physically.
He needed Tai, whether he wanted to admit it, or not. He would always need him. It was exactly as he had said. He could live without any of the others, even Takeru, as much as that would pain him. However, the mere thought of a life without Taichi was so painful, that he doubted he'd survive such a fate. Seriously.
Something dripped on his face, and he opened his eyes in surprise. Tai, with bruises forming on both cheeks, was crying above him, his weight supported in his hands pressed on the ground on either side of Matt. "Taichi?" He wanted to reach up, and wipe those tears away, but his hands were stuck to his sides.
"Gods, Yamato, why couldn't you just let it go?" He rasped out, ducking his head so that he wouldn't have to meet the blue eyes that had gone from anger, to caring. He pushed himself up, and away, moving to sit in the dirt beside him, his head against his knees, his arms wrapped aroudn his legs.
Matt slowly sat up, gazing at him. If he hadn't known that he was nearly twenty-six, he would have mistaken him for a little kid in that position. He looked like a scared little boy, lost by himself in a world too big for him. "Tai?" He reached out a hand, touching his shaking shoulder gently.
//All the times that I've cried,
all this wasted,
it's all inside//
Blue eyes looked up, and his gaze connected with Daisuke's first. With a slight smile, he mimicked holding him, and the blonde moved to wrap his arms around his sobbing friend. "I'm so sorry, Yama. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"Shh. I know." Dark arms made their way around his waist, and he felt himself being held tigthly. It wasn't comfortable, but at that point, he didn't care if Tai ever let go. He was being held, and he was holding him, and that was enough.
"I couldn't bring myself to write that letter. Just one letter, Yama, and it would have been over. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't let go of the hope that someday, somehow, it would all work out. I knew it was stupid, and I should have realized that so long ago, but the hope was always there. That, just maybe..."
His gaze moved onto Takeru, who reached over to rub Daisuke's head. The redhead pulled away, giving him a strange look, but Matt got the hint. He smoothed back wild brown hair, still rocking his body. He rested his chin against Tai's temple, not wanting to lose that closeness just yet. He needed it. If nothing else worked out, it would be his only memory of Tai in his arms, of Tai needing him. He fought down tears of his own at the thought of moving onto another life without the brunette.
A bleak, and lonely life.
_________________
Yeah. This will flip back and forth as omnipotent 3rd person
_________________
//And I feel all this
pain stuffed it down//
They both refused to loosen their holds, Tai secure in Matt's arms, Matt concentrating on the breath tickling his neck. If memories were all they had, they were both set to make the most of them. Their audience waited with quiet expectancy.
To say that any of them were surprised would have challenged their intelligence. The chemistry and the bond had been apparent to all of them for a very long time.
"Maybe what?" He had to ask. Whether he wanted the answer or not, the question had to be put to voice. Time wasn't going to freeze for them, and Matt knew that sooner or later, Tai would pull back.
"That maybe we could go back to the beginning, and start again. Reverse all the mistakes we made, take back all the time we wasted by fighting and ignoring each other." Tai pulled away, forcing his puffy eyes to meet Matt's.
"What would that have accomplished?" It was a gentle inquiry, made as he put a pale hand lightly against that dark cheek. "Would it solve all of our problems? Make everything better? Think of everything that we would have missed if we had done things differently. I wouldn't have meant you, if things hadn't been the way they were."
"I don't mean everything. Just some of the small things. Like our bickering, and the fact that I..." He stood up, separating completely from the blonde.
"That you what?" Matt didn't bother to stand up. His blue gaze followed Tai as he walked away from him. He could feel it, they both could. The call of the inevitable. They were going to have to put everything on the line, and hope that it all worked out. Time was running out, and they had to act fast, or take the chance of losing it all.
//It's back again and
I lie here in bed
All alone, but I can't mend//
Instead of answering, Tai dodged the question. "Did you know that I kept everyone of your letters?" Confused by the sudden change in topics, Matt shook his head.
"No. Actually, I thought you'd never gotten them" Tai turned back around.
"Not gotten over a hundred letters?" The thougt was enough to make him question Yamato's IQ, until he rememberd the shocked look on his face when he admitted to ignoring him.
Damn, damn, damn. He didn't want to think about the asshole he'd been for six years. The look in Matt's gaze was sincere. If he asked for it, Tai could have all of his wrongs forgiven. They could start again, and his stupidity and ignorance would be put behind them.
He only had to ask, and the world would be righted, and his best friend would stand beside him forever. Like old times, like always. He opened his mouth, ready to say the words that stuck in his throat. The blonde stood up, his eyes filling with the pain of rejection.
Tai wasn't going to tell him that everything was alright. He wasn't going to put everything back in order so that they could go on with their life together. He had wasted too much time away, that the rift was irrepairable. There was no going back to the days when they were content to spend the day together doing nothing. No more looking up at the stars and making wishes together
//-but I feel
Tomorrow will be O.K.//
Tai watched as his love walked away. He felt as if his heart were bleeding. Of all the scenarios he had ever imagined, this had never been one of them. It didn't seem possible that Matt would walk away without letting him say something.
Takeru stepped over him, and held out a hand. Brown eyes met blue, one pained, the other understanding. "If you let it go now, it will kill you both. It shouldn't end this way. You know that. Don't let him walk away."
He thought for a moment, his gaze returning to the retreating back uncertainly. Daisuke stepped up beside them, his brown eyes reassuring. "Go after him. Tackle him and torture him until he tells you exactly what you want to hear. He needs you, Tai, almost as much as you need him. If not more. What do you have to lose at this point?"
With their assurances and support behind him, he strode forward, intent on Yamato. "Ishida!" Matt stopped, and turned around, his blue eyes hopeful.
"Yeah, Yagami?" He licked his lips, noticing the glint and force behind the brown gaze intent on him. "What now?"
"You were going to walk away." A blonde eyebrow rose at the inanity of that statement. "This should have been done sooner."
"What should have?" His heart was beating faster, waiting to hear those words he needed so desperately.
Tai sighed with impatience. "The part where I tell you that I love you, and you jump into my arms to be carried off into the sunset."
"That part, or the part where I tell you that I love you, and you hire a limo to take me home in the style I deserve?" They stood there, grinning at each other like circus clowns, so lost in feeling that they forgot to move.