Tranquil Vista Memorial Park
The
regurgitating Frovlax demon was big, slimy, and pissed. He stormed through the cemetery, debating
who would get eaten first. Just who did that guy think he was? In the end, the demon didn't care about the
finer points as to why it had
happened. All he knew was that he was
going to get back what was taken from him, and he didn't care how.
The
very thought made him so angry that he slammed his paw through the wall of the
nearest crypt.
Someone
was going to pay.
Buffy
woke to feel sunlight warming her face.
She slowly opened her eyes, finding herself staring into the face of an
alarm clock. 7:47. She was due to meet
Giles at the Magic Box at ten, so she had plenty of time to not get up.
She
felt great, and she felt even better when she realized that the reason she was
so warm was that Angel had his arms wrapped around her waist, cradling her back
to him. She gently cuddled closer,
trying not to wake him. He must have
sensed what she was doing in his sleep, because he tightened his hold on her
slightly. For a long time, she listened
to him breathing quietly, his chest rising and falling against her back.
Fortunately
her contentment was undisturbed by worry over fabricating an alibi. Last night she had had the foresight to call
her mom and tell her she was staying at Willow's, just before she made a quick
call to Willow, asking to cover for her.
Willow had agreed, but on the condition that Buffy would explain
everything later. Buffy figured that
she would be more supportive than her mother concerning her little
adventure. She'd just have to tell
everyone else about their renewed relationship some other time.
Angel
woke up and began to nuzzle her neck.
"Good morning." He inhaled
deeply, taking in the sent of her hair.
"You smell great."
Buffy
turned around to face him, his arms still around her. "Thank you. You don't
smell so bad yourself."
"Do
you have to leave soon?"
"Not
right now. I have to see Giles later,
but I can stay here for a while. How
about you?"
"I
should probably check in with the office later, but there's no rush." Buffy grinned at the last part, and they
kissed softly. Then, "Do you have time
for breakfast? You wouldn't think it,
but I've been told that I'm a good cook."
"I'd
love that."
Angel
kissed her forehead before getting up and going into the kitchen. As he was tracking down where he had put his
new skillet, Angel wondered absently. Given
that chocolate was terrific everything he had tried so far, how would a
chocolate omelet taste? He glanced back
into the bedroom to find Buffy watching his activities with avid interest.
Angel
decided that he was in an experimental mood.
Buffy
practically skipped through the door of the shop, greeting Giles and Anne with
a cheerfulness that bordered on being scary.
"You're
in a good humor this morning," Giles said.
He took a sip of his tea and sat down behind the counter.
Anne
was less amused, coldly eyeing Buffy from the table. "Yeah, Buff. Look's like
you got some last night."
"Using
that standard, you're still a virgin," Buffy shot back. She ignored the Watcher's warning glare,
saying, "So what's the deal?"
"There's
been reports of some strange, rampaging monster smashing up things around
town. Basically, until we have further
information, I can't tell you much, but I just wanted to warn you so you'll be
on your guard."
"So
that's it?"
"Yes,
but I was hoping that maybe you and Anne could get in some training—"
"Can't,"
Buffy interrupted. "I'm meeting
Willow. Maybe some other time." With that, she was gone.
"Hey,
guys, how did the final touches go… What the…?" Angel opened the door to find a disaster zone. Paper and other supplies littered the floor,
and his office was the worst.
Everything he had put on his desk, once meticulously arranged and
organized, was now strewn across the floor.
It looked like someone had been searching for something. Angel frantically ran to the phone and
quickly dialed Cordelia's number. God, let them be OK.
He
was on the third ring when he heard the noise.
Carefully hanging up the phone, he crept back into his office, trying to
track it down. He heard it again, and
he sighed as he walked behind his desk, careful not to look at them directly.
"Uh,
hi Angel," Doyle said, "we were planning to get this all fixed before you came
in this morning. You're here earlier
than we thought."
Angel
rolled his eyes, still being careful not to look at them. "Cordy, Doyle, you both have apartments for
this. I never felt the need to tell you
this—after all, it seemed fairly obvious to me—but I'd appreciate it very much if you never, ever, had sex in
the office, ever again. Now I'm going
to leave, and try to pretend that I never saw this. You are both going to get dressed, get this place fixed up, and
never mention this incident again.
Please have this done by the time I come back in tomorrow. Oh, and you're going to buy me a new desk
with your own money."
"Look,
Angel, we're really sorry," Cordelia began, but he just shook his head and
walked out. She turned to Doyle and
smacked him. "This is all your fault!"
"Why's
it my fault? You seemed all for this
idea last night."
"You
let us fall asleep. Now what are we
going to do? Angel's going to be weird
around us until the end of time."
"Well,
Angel's not going to be back until tomorrow, and we're already buying a new
desk…"
"It's
about time," Willow said, inviting Buffy in.
"Hi
to you too."
"Yeah,
yeah, yeah." Willow sat down excitedly
and motioned for Buffy to do the same.
"So, tell. What were you up to
last night? No, wait. Let me guess…" Willow hummed the Jeopardy!
theme, then abruptly stopped. "Gee,
could it be something to do with Angel?"
Buffy
smiled. "Yeah. You could say that we're officially together
again."
Willow
jumped up and did a victory dance. "I
won the pool!"
"Pool? What pool?
There was a pool?"
Willow
stopped mid-jump and seemed to shrink.
She sat back down reluctantly.
"Uh, well, you see… It was pretty much agreed upon that you and Angel
were going to get back together. It was
just a matter of time. So Cordy was
like, 'They'll be back in the sack in thirty seconds flat,' and Xander was
like…"
"Cordelia
said what?"
"OK,
I see I'm just upsetting you and getting people in trouble. Let's just say, that bets were wagered on
who could guess the date closest to when you two finally… you know. Oh, but don't worry. Everyone had to sign a form agreeing not to
interfere in any way. Giles even got
them notarized."
"You
guys had notarized forms?… Wait, Giles
was in on this?"
Willow
shrugged. "It wasn't all Giles! Oz helped type up the non-interference
agreements."
Buffy
took several much-needed breaths.
"Willow, was there anyone I know that didn't participate in The Buffy-Angel Lottery?"
Willow
thought for an exorbitant amount of time before saying, "Dang, we know a lot of
people. Uh, I don't think Tara put any
money down, but that was only because she felt that she didn't have enough
information to hazard a reasonable guess."
"Oh,
that makes me feel much better about being the brunt of a very bad joke. So how high was the pool?"
She
did a little math on her fingers.
"Thirteen times fifteen dollars each, er, a hundred and ninety five
dollars, assuming that no one else has joined that I don't know about."
Buffy
suddenly remembered something. "Was
Anne in on this?"
"Oh,
yeah. Get this: she said 'When hell
freezes over.' Can you actually believe
she put money on that? Spike kept trying to talk her out of it, but
she wouldn't listen."
"It
makes sense. I stopped by the store
this morning and she seemed pissed about something. I'm guessing that she figured out that she lost the bet. Speaking of which, why do you think she bet
on Angel and me not… reuniting?"
"Oh,
that's obvious. She hates Angel's
guts. I can't believe you never
noticed."
"But
why? She barely knows him."
"Yeah,
but she apparently knew alternate Angel, and didn't like him at all. I suppose it bothers her that if things were
different, she might have wound up with Angel herself. Besides… OK, we got sidetracked. You and Angel: I want details. Oh, but not icky details, 'cause that
wouldn't be right. You know, good, best
friend-appropriate, details."
Buffy
laughed. "Well, Angel and I were
patrolling last night, and then we got into an argument, and the next thing I
know, we're kissing."
"Argument?"
"Er,
yeah. Basically, I was ticked because
we could finally be together, and we weren't.
Make a long story short, we resolved the issue."
"Well,
I glad you two finally worked things out, and at just the right time for me to
win money too. So, anything else?"
She
thought on it. "Well, he made me
breakfast, which was… interesting."
Willow stared at her, waiting for elaboration, which Buffy
supplied. "You see, Angel hasn't been
able to really eat since forever, so now that he can, he kind of likes to
experiment and try different things.
Basically, he thought train went along the lines of: 'Well, my favorite
food is chocolate, and an excellent breakfast food is an omelet. Therefore, a chocolate omelet must taste
good.' "
"He
made you a chocolate omelet?"
"Well,
it's not as if I could have said no, so I tried it, and you wouldn't believe
it, but it really was good. Tastes far
less yucky than it sounds."
"The
two of you are weird. You know that,
right?"
Buffy
sat up straighter as if she had been paid a high compliment. "Yeah, and us weirdoes have a dinner-movie
date tonight," she chirped.
"I
can just see that. He takes you to a
nice, Italian restaurant and you order ravioli in Hershey's chocolate syrup."
Buffy
grabbed a pillow and smacked Willow's arm with it. "I should have never told you that."
"No,"
she agreed, "you shouldn't have."
"Doyle,
where the heck is my other shoe?"
Cordelia looked under Angel's soon to be ex-desk to no avail. She was just about to give up and change
pairs when the sandal landed with a thud on the floor next to her. She stood up. "Hey, why'd you throw it at me?"
Doyle
walked in from the other room. "I'm
sorry I couldn't hear you. What about a
shoe?"
"Wait. You didn't throw it?"
He
looked at her as if she had sprouted a third eye. "Throw what?" Then he
looked beyond her and pointed. "Uh, I
haven't been in town long, but is that
normal?"
Cordelia
followed his gaze to find a pen hovering in midair above a pad. "What the…?"
The
tip of the pen fell on the pad with a thunk and scribbled something. They ran over to see the word Hi neatly printed.
"Denis?"
Cordelia asked incredulously.
Hi, the pen repeated. Back. Big as life and… OK, not alive, but back.
"Denis
can leave the apartment?"
"Not
as far as I know. This is new."
New tenets sucked. Missed you. Followed you
here. Miss me?
"Of
course we did," Cordelia said and Doyle nodded furiously in agreement. "We didn't know you could leave, otherwise
we would have invited you to come with us."
Angel here?
"Yes, but
he's out right now. He'll be back in
tomorrow."
Wesley here too?
"Not
yet," Doyle answered. "He'll be here
later today. He had some stuff to wrap
up in LA."
The
pen was very still. Finally the ghost
scrawled, Drat.
"Denis! That wasn't nice!"
Don't care.
Doyle
overlooked the last part asking, "When did you get into town?"
Now.
Just now, he wrote hurriedly.
Just got here. Wasn't here earlier at all.
Doyle
and Cordelia shared a long glance. Then
Cordelia carefully said, "Denis, where you here last night?"
What
happened next came so quickly that their brains couldn't keep up. The first thing that Cordelia would later
remember was a sharp pain in her cheek as a shard of glass grazed her. Then, like a jump shot in a movie, she was
on the ground, and things were flying and being pulverized in a hail of office
supplies. She vaguely felt Doyle find
her in the maelstrom and hold on to her.
Then
she caught up to reality and grasped what was happening. Fewer things were airborne, and a large
figure was hunched over a shattered filing cabinet, shifting awkwardly through
the papers. A continuous stream of
growls emanated from it, occasionally punctuated by a discontented grunt. Without warning, it seized the cabinet and
flung it across the room with a howl.
It collided with the wall in an explosion of papers and broken pieces
directly over Cordelia and Doyle's heads. Cordelia couldn't help but yelp in
surprise.
The
demon stood up abruptly. It turned to
look at them and began to growl at them in a way that reminded them more of
yelling. It gestured at Doyle furiously,
growled louder, and began to descend slowly upon them.
Doyle
held up his hands. "Look, you can take
anything you want. God, knows that it's
all worthless junk anyway."
"Doyle,
I think it knows you."
"Well,
believe me, if I knew him, I'd remember.
I've never seen it before."
It
howled louder at that.
"Well,
Doyle, it seems very angry, and that anger is directed at you."
He
turned to the demon. "Look, maybe we
can work something out."
Its
growl in response indicated that was not an option.
"Let
me try," Cordelia said. "Hey, ugly!"
The
demon stopped mid-step and glared at her.
"Yeah,
I'm talking to you. If you have half of
a brain, you'd better leave now, 'cause we're expecting our friends any
minute. Scary, dangerous friends."
The
demon started to lurch toward her.
"Cordy,
I don't think it's working."
"Shut
up," she whispered to him, then turned back to the monster. "Like the Slayer. We know the Slayer. Key
word: slay. As in, Buffy slays ugly demons like you."
It
stopped again and looked at Doyle for confirmation. He nodded his head furiously and added, "Yeah, and there's this
guy, Angel, who's like a vampire, only better."
"Oh, and
witches. Assuming Buffy and Angel don't
kill you horribly, they'd probably turn you into a stink beetle or something."
"Hey,
we're forgetting Anne."
"You're
right. We know two Slayers."
"And
Spike, who just loves to kill
demons."
The demon
looked back and forth between the two several times, before giving up and
lunging at Doyle. There was no place to
roll out of the way, so he ducked and waited to die. After nothing happened, he looked up to see the demon under
assault by the phone book. The demon
swatted at it, but the yellow pages were not so easily disposed of, and
continued to smack the demon relentlessly.
It finally managed to beat it across the room, only to be attacked
vigorously by a larger, heavier, hardbound book, as well as a keyboard and a
stapler.
Cordelia
grabbed Doyle's hand and they fled, Doyle yelling over his shoulder, "Thanks,
Denis!"
All
was right with the world as Buffy walked up to her front door. OK, so there were certain people who were
due for a butt kicking over the pool-thing, but that really wasn't that important in the scheme of
things. Her hand had just barely
brushed the cool metal of the knob when her mother opened it from the inside
and angrily put her hands on her hips.
"You
just couldn't have waited three days, could you?"
"What?"
Joyce
stepped aside for Buffy to enter, adding, "Three more days and that two hundred
bucks would have been mine! And I
really wanted that cute little dress I saw at Everyday Woman."
"I
can't believe you of all people… You're my mom. You're not supposed to do
stuff like that!"
Dawn
walked in at that moment, assessed the situation, and groaned, "Oh, I guess we
lost the pool."
Buffy
looked back and forth between them.
"Oh, not you too."
"Yeah. We went in together. If either of us won, we split the
profit. Which is too bad, 'cause I
really could use more of that—what did Giles call it again?—'aggressively
cheerful music.'"
Buffy
tried to think of something scathing to say, but was cut off by the phone
ringing. She walked into the dinning
room fuming and snatched up the receiver.
"What?" she snapped more curtly than she had intended. "Sorry, I just heard about the pool, and I'm
a little upset." She listened and
nodded her head. "I'll be there in a
few minutes."
Buffy
hung up the phone, glared at her family, then wordlessly went upstairs to
shower and change.
Xander
parked the car at the curb and got out.
He spared a glance upward to reread the sign: Tranquil Vista Memorial Park.
He didn't know who that sign was trying to kid. A cemetery was a cemetery no matter what its
name was. He supposed that it was indicative
of the usual attitude that pervaded the more mundane population of
Sunnydale. Maybe if they closed their
eyes and pretended the monsters didn't exist, they would eventually just fade
away. Perhaps if they buried their dead
in a 'memorial park' instead of a cemetery, the death would seem less
real. Xander knew from experience that
pretty euphuisms did absolutely nothing to dull the pain of grief. People were equally dead no matter where
they were buried.
Unless,
of course, the deceased turns into a fanged pain in the butt, who doesn't have
a phone, causing you to drive halfway across town to a moldy graveyard every
time you need something.
Xander
had argued against the necessity of bringing Spike to the Scooby meeting, but
to no avail. As much as Spike was a big
jerk, he often proved useful. Besides,
his crypt was on the way to Anne's place.
(She had a phone, but apparently never answered it.) The dilapidated crypt came into view over
the hill, and Xander slowed his pace.
Why did he have to go get
Spike? Did Giles hate him in some way
he didn't know about yet?
Xander's
musings were interrupted as he observed the large hole that had been punched in
the wall of the tomb. He considered the
possibility that the vampire was remodeling, but quickly dismissed the idea as
absurd. Xander decided to ask him about
it, when he noticed that the door was agar.
Xander
pushed it open and walked in. "Spike?"
No
answer came. A quick scan of the room
confirmed that it was empty, leading Xander to wonder where the heck Spike
could have gone to in the middle of a bright, sunny day. He shrugged, taking comfort that he wouldn't
have to deal with Blondie's crap, when he saw the trapdoor out of the corner of
his eye. He furrowed his brow and
investigated. Sure enough, that too was
agar, which was invitation enough for Xander.
With a smooth pull, he exposed the ladder to the subterranean room, and
climbed down.
The
resulting scream of horror could be heard far from the borders of the cemetery.
The
gang was short five members, but was already hard at work. Anya, Tara, and Oz were discussing possible
avenues of research with Willow doing an Internet search, while Giles was
bandaging Cordelia's cheek and attempting to obtain more information.
"So
you said it pointed at you?"
"Yeah,
it was pointing, and then it growled at me."
Doyle mimicked the pointing and growled a little for emphasis.
Anya
swiveled around in her chair. "Want
some unsolicited advice?"
"Do
I have a choice?"
She
didn't appear to notice that he spoke.
"I wouldn't demonstrate the growling, if I were you."
"Hey!"
Cordelia said. Fortunately for Anya,
she was out of smacking range. "I
happen to think it was cute. Doyle,
growl as much as you want."
There
was a scared and stunned silence.
Cordelia
leaned over to Doyle. "You can growl
for me later."
Doyle
grinned insanely, prompting Giles to shake his head and move on. "Any idea what it wanted?"
"Yeah,
it wanted to kill me."
Cordelia
nodded in agreement. "If it weren't for
Denis, we'd be dead."
"Don't
move your head," Giles chided. "Neither
of you have ever seen it?"
"No,"
they said in unison.
He
finished up with Cordelia's cheek and stood.
"Well, we're trying to get a hold of Angel, and hopefully he'll know
something. It might be trying to get to
him through you."
Cordelia's
eyes widened suddenly. "Oh, I remember
now. I've seen that demon before!"
"And
you're just now remembering this?"
Cordelia
smacked Doyle. "I've seen a lot of
demons. After a while, they all run
together." Doyle looked hurt, but not
about his bruised arm. "Oh, I didn't
mean you. That did come out right.
You know you're my little Cactus Man."
This
prompted much snuggling on their part, and very much discomfort/disgust from
the store's other inhabitants. Giles
walked over to the table in order to put distance between them. "You were saying about the demon?"
Cordelia
came back to reality land. "Oh,
yeah. It's a regurgitating Frovlax
demon. I once knew this guy called
Gunn. He got eaten by one."
Willow
looked up from her computer and furrowed her brow. "I've read about those.
There're supposed to be one of the kinder, gentler, herbivorous demons. Completely harmless."
"Yeah,
well we just ran into the Hannibal Lector of regurgitating Frovlax demons, and
believe me, that one was anything but harmless."
Giles poured
himself some tea from a pot behind the counter. "Well, I believe that's enough to start with. Now once the others get here—"
The
door slammed open and Xander sprinted in.
His skin was stark white and he looked like the hounds of hell had
chased him there. "Oh my Go—" In his haste to reach them, he forgot about
the step down, tripped, and fell on his face.
Willow
and Oz were the closest, and rushed to help him to his feet. "Are you alright? What happened?"
Xander
shrugged them off and huddled against the wall. "No, I'll never be alright again! I'll never sleep
again!" Anya approached very cautiously
and Xander allowed her to touch him.
She said nothing for a while, waiting for him to speak first. After taking several large inhalations of
air, he finally did. "I went to Spike's
place first, and the door was open, and I saw everything. Anne—or
hopefully an evil twin of I don't know about… Oh, God. It was awful. They were having sex!"
There
was a scared and stunned silence.
Willow
shook her head. "Could you repeat
that?"
"Anne
and Spike were having nasty, rabid-weasel, vampire-Slayer, role-playing, sex."
There
was a scared and stunned silence.
"Are
you sure it wasn't Harmony, or someone that's not Anne?"
Xander
began to make rocking motions and moan.
" 'Oh, Anne!'… 'Harder Spike!' Believe me, it wasn't Harmony."
After
a series of EWWWWWWWW!'s there was yet another a scared and stunned silence.
"Well, that has to be about the nastiest
thing I have ever heard," Oz observed.
Xander
nodded in agreement then bolted for the bathroom to puke. Anya follow him to make sure he was
medically alright, while everyone else tried not to follow Xander's example.
"Buffy
and Angel are going to freak when
they hear," Willow said in a hush.
"Oh,
no they're not!" Giles said suddenly.
"Believe
me, Spike will never walk again after they find out," Cordelia retorted.
"But
they're not going to find out."
After
the sound of running water as Xander washed his mouth out, he reentered with
Anya. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"None
of you are to discuss this with anyone outside this room, most especially Buffy
and Angel. If we're lucky, this will be
a brief phase that will blow over without either of them having to know about
it."
"Total
media blackout," Oz remarked.
Giles
gestured in Oz's direction. "Exactly."
"I
don't know," Doyle began. "I don't like
the idea of lying to Angel, or Buffy for that matter."
Giles
turned to face him. "I don't like it
either, but what choice do we have? I
think telling them would do more harm than good. Besides, what they don't know won't get Spike killed."
Tara
spoke up. "B-but w-what if they find
out anyway, then discover that we knew?
It would just make things worse.
Plus Buffy and Angel will hate us."
Willow
nodded in agreement. "She's right. Buffy already feels betrayed by the pool."
"She
knows about the pool?" Anya asked.
"Oh,
yeah. She and Angel are back together,
which reminds me. Someone owes me a
hundred and ninety-five bucks."
Giles
rolled his eyes and got the money out of the box behind the counter. He handed it over saying, "OK, so it comes
down to who gets to bell the cat. Which
one of you is going to be the lucky messenger?
I volunteer not to do it."
Everyone
spent several minutes staring at each other.
"You
know, not telling them seems like a much better idea now," Willow said.
"I
rest my case. Oh, I need something
stronger than tea right about now."
Giles ran behind the counter.
"Can
I have some too?" Doyle asked.
Xander
sighed and picked up the phone. After
punching a few numbers and waiting for a few minutes he said, "Yes. I'd like to speak to an inmate of yours. Xander Harris. Yes, that's right, Faith.
It's important." He looked
around the room for several minutes while he waited for her to come on the
line. Finally, "Hi, it's Xander. I'm just calling to say you lost the
pool. Yeah, just recently as I
understand it." He listened and bobbed
his head. "Hold on a minute." He cupped his hand to the receiver and
turned to the others. "Hey, Faith's
getting released on good behavior."
There
was a mixed reaction from the peanut gallery.
Doyle
looked at Cordelia. "Faith?"
"Oh,
well she's this Slayer that's really screwed up. She went all evil, tried to kill everyone, then got put into a
coma by Buffy. Then she got better,
went all evil and tried to kill everyone again. Fortunately, Angel converted her back to the good side of the
force, she turned herself into the cops, and they sent her to the big
house. And now's she getting out."
"Is
that a good thing or a bad thing?"
She
shrugged. "Depends on who you ask."
"Well
what do you think, Princess?"
"I
don't like her at all and I sincerely hope that she doesn't move back
here. Oh, and don't you know Buffy and
Angel are going to go at it over this one."
Doyle
gave her an odd look.
"Oh,
not that way. It's just that they've had major blowouts
over The Faith Issue. Angel thinks that
she deserves her shot at redemption, and Buffy thinks she needs to pay for her crimes. I personally don't care what happens to her,
just so long as it's happening nowhere near me."
Anne
and Spike chose that moment to make their dramatic appearance, Spike sizzling under
his blanket and Anne's hair in complete disarray.
"Um,
Faith, I've gotta go now." Xander hung
up without waiting for her to say goodbye.
Anne
was first to catch her breath. "Look,
don't know what, er…"
"Xander,"
Spike prompted.
"Thanks. What Xander told you, and I can only imagine
what you might be thinking…"
Giles
cut her off with his hand. "Please
don't try to make excuses, and no, you couldn't possibly know what I'm
thinking. Besides, we've already
discussed it, and you are not, under any circumstances,
to tell Buffy or Angel about this. I
hope you'll agree, this would be the safest course of action."
They
looked at each other and seemed to have an unspoken understanding. Spike turned back. "Sounds good to me, mate."
"Oh,
and another condition is that you never again refer to me as 'mate.' "
"Sure,
whatever you say, Chuck."
Anne
laughed quietly at Spike's jab and walked with him, taking the seats furthest
away from everyone else. The group
immediately got to work, attempting unsuccessfully not to think about the scary
Anne-Spike images that were running through their heads.
Buffy
grabbed an iced coffee at the Expresso Pump on her way to the store. She crossed the street and trotted up the
sidewalk at a brisk pace. She spared a
glance inside the shop before going in,
only to see that Angel was there.
Her heart skipped a beat, and she leapt back out of view. Crap. She didn't know Giles had called him too,
otherwise she might have put a little more effort into getting ready. She pulled out a compact. She didn't look bad at all, but she wasn't
happy about the fact that her still-wet hair was just pulled back in a messy
ponytail. In the back of her head, her
brain finally engaged and she realized that Angel's love was not dependent on
her appearance. Fudge it. If he wanted
gorgeous, he should have waited until he picked me up later. She crammed the compact back into her purse
and walked in.
Angel
was hovering over Doyle and Cordelia, the latter of which had a gauze bandage
on her cheek. Cordy wasn't happy about
her 'deformed' face, and was gripping loudly to prove it. Angel looked up to watch Buffy come in and
smiled.
Noticing
that Anne was also present, Buffy strolled confidently up to Angel and kissed
him lightly on the lips. His eyes
widened in surprise at the public display, but she didn't notice as she was
very busy giving a pointed smile in Anne's direction. Nor did she notice that the discomfort level in the room had gone
up several notches. Instead she asked,
"Hey, you guys just giving up on the office altogether and moving in with
us?" Buffy noticed that Cordelia didn't
seem to find her joke funny at all.
Fortunately
before Cordelia opened her mouth and said something Cordelia-like, Angel gave
Buffy a brief run down of current events, right down to Gunn's demise at the
same demon. "It was just luck that I
decided to come by and see what was going on," he finished.
In
a lower tone so only Angel would hear, Buffy asked, "Just happened to stop by?"
He
fidgeted. "I missed you. Which, now that I think about it, sounds
like stalking-boyfriend behavior."
She
just smiled, then said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, "OK, so we
patrol, kill it a lot, leaving the world safe for democracy again."
Giles
shook his head. "There's still the
problem of why a nonviolent species of demon suddenly turned so violent. Perhaps there's some bigger power at work
here."
"Well,
back in LA, we encountered certain drugs that induced that kind of behavior in
demons," Angel offered. "This being the
Hellmouth, it's not unlikely that a drug ring has been set up, given the
market."
"Or
the demon could be really pissed off about something and out for revenge," Anya
suggested. "I mean, most humans are
harmless until they get angry about something.
Then I get called in… and you get the idea."
"Yeah,"
Doyle said, "but the problem is, I don't know that guy. I don't have the foggiest idea what I could
have done to make it angry." Someone
knocked on the door and Doyle rolled to his feet. "I'll get it." He ambled
over and opened the door.
The
demon reached out and seized Doyle by the throat, lifting him off his
feet. He let out a yelp of surprise,
while the Scoobies scrambled to arm themselves. Buffy rushed forward with a sword, Angel and Anne not far behind
with a really big axes.
"Let
him down now, or my friends and I go Lizzy Borden," Buffy said in a deadly
undertone, raising her weapon slightly for emphasis.
It
began to growl at her in a way that seemed to be more like an attempt to speak.
"Riley?"
Everyone,
including the demon, turned to stare at Spike, who had spoke. The demon began to growl again, this time at
Spike.
"What's
going on?" Anne asked.
Never
taking his eyes off the demon, Spike explained, "One of my cousins married one
of these, so I've picked up some of their language. I'm telling you, I think it's Riley."
Everyone
looked back at the demon, who waived a little with the hand it wasn't using to
choke Doyle.
"Riley?"
Buffy asked.
The
Demon growled.
"I
think that was a yes," Spike interpreted.
"Riley,
if it's you, prove it by putting Doyle down."
The
demon considered for a moment, before complying. Doyle quickly scrambled as far away as he could.
'Riley'
began to growl for an extended period of time, and Spike translated: "He says that the last thing he remembered
was being in the warehouse, and being possessed by Doyle. However, as 'that damn vampire'—who I'm
assuming is Dru—screwed with the spell, he was eventually pushed out all
together, and into another body, with is, unfortunately, this one. Now he wants his old body back…
"God,
what the hell is wrong with you people?
It's seems like you're getting yourselves turned into demons every other
week, leaving me to act like a bloody Babel Fish. You know, if I wanted to be a translator, I would have joined the
sodding Peace Corps."
"Shut
up, Spike," Buffy and Angel said in unison.
Anne
gestured at Riley. "If Riley was pushed
into this demon's body, where did the demon go?"
Los Angeles:
Wolfram and Hart...
The
guide motioned to his left, indicating an office overflowing with interns. An entourage of eager law students hung on
his every word. "Over here is our
record keeping department. Here at
Wolfram and Hart, interns get exposed to all aspects of the legal process, as
well as employment opportunities, once you pass the bar. Oh, and coming up over here is our
Department of Special Projects."
A
lithe red headed girl raised her hand.
"Special projects?"
The
guide nodded. "I can't really talk much
about it, as it might compromise client confidentiality. However you might call this the Area 51 of
our firm, only in a much less… illegal and evil sense. Oh, look, there's the head of the department
herself, Lilah Morgan!"
The
students turned to look with avid interest, only to see the lawyer take a
running leap and jump on the guide's back with a shriek. She dug her teeth into his neck, growling
the entire time. The guide's screams
were drowned out by those of the students, who went running for the nearest
exit. However, one didn't run fast
enough, and was promptly eaten by Lilah.
Off
to the side, another lawyer watched the calamity with detachment. Security was on their way, so he should be
fine. The more critical thing, he thought to himself as Lilah began to
regurgitate her meal, is that we lost
several good candidates for the future.
From now on, we really shouldn't have the Special Projects area on the
tour.
"I
don't care about the demon and I don't care about Riley. He can find some other body, 'cause this
one's taken," Cordelia shouted.
More
growling.
Spike
rolled his eyes. "He says that either
he gets his body back, or he kills it.
If he can't have it, no one can.
Oh, and Riley in no way blames Angel for anything involving this
incident, and there is absolutely no reason for him to fear for his life."
Buffy
found Spike's translation far less amusing than Anne did. She clutched his upper arm and squeezed
it. Hard. "William, you better tell me exactly what he's saying. Now."
He
snatched his arm back with effort.
"Well, I never claimed to be fluent, Summers. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you. Never mind you wouldn't even know it was
Riley if it weren't for me."
They
were cut off by Riley howling in frustration.
"Spike,
what did he just say?"
"Oh,
he just wants to know if you're boffing the Poof Head."
Buffy
looked at Angel, then back to the Frovlax demon. "Those aren't the exact words I'd use."
Riley
was visibly more upset. "Why, Buffy,
I'm very disappointed in you," Spike said in a exaggerated, macho voice. "How long did you wait before you replaced
me?"
Buffy
let Spike's sarcasm slide. "Riley, for
God's sake, give me a break! You'd been
dead for two months. I moved on, and if
our positions had been reversed, I would have been a big enough person to want
you to do the same."
"According
to him, he's been gone for thirty-eight days and six hours, which is not two
months. Furthermore, he doesn't care
what body he's in, but he wants you back anyway."
Her
anger was reaching levels that rivaled the demon's. "Riley, not to be shallow, but—"
Spike's
touched her arm to stop her, his expression somewhere between worry and
curiosity. "This is word for word: 'Less chat, more splat.' "
"What's
that supposed to mean?"
Spike
never answered, for Riley chose that moment to pick up the vampire up and hurl
him into a wall. Anne let out a yell of
rage and charged, swinging her ax high over her head. Riley dodged the blade, only to have the Slayer slam her entire
body into his. The force sent both of
them flying backwards and crashing through the front window. Everyone ran out on to the street—except
Spike, who watched from the window to avoid bursting into flames—to see Anne
pounding the crap out of Riley with the blunt part of her ax.
Buffy was
about to run out and intervene, when a truck came barreling down the road far
faster than was safe. It swerved to
avoid hitting them, flipped over, and landed on it's side. Riley and Anne stopped fighting to gape and
were horrified to catch sight of the sign on the side of the truck:
BIOHAZARD: RABID
GOATS.
Then, in a rushing horde, the
goats flooded out of their smashed cages and headed directly for Riley.
Anne
had the good sense to get out of the way, running to the others. Riley, however, did not, and he screamed as
the goats, one by one, hideously raped him.
(They apparently confused him for a sexy she-goat, which was an
understandable mistake.) The others
could only watch helplessly in horror, disgust, and—in the case of Spike and
Anne—utter amusement.
Apparently
someone bystander had called an ambulance, because one was on its way, sirens
blazing. The driver turned the corner,
saw the spectacle on the street, and freaked.
(Once again, understandable. If
you saw some slimy demon getting raped by rabid goats, you'd be freaked
too.) However, unlike the goat truck,
the ambulance didn't swerve out of the way, instead running over Riley and the
goat that was currently engaged in sexual intercourse with him.
Meanwhile, in the stratosphere...
"This
is Fed-Ex flight 302 to control. We are
declaring an emergency! Control, this
is Fed-Ex flight 302…"
"This
is tower control, what is you emergency?"
"We
are experiencing a catastrophic systems failure. We've lost three engines, and we're losing power fast. We may also be leaking fuel. Please advise."
"Flight
302, what is your location?"
No
further communication was ever recorded from flight 302, as the plane exploded
mid-air in a blast that could be seen from the ground. This is only being mentioned because of a
particular package that was on that airplane.
An artist in Los Angeles had ordered an anvil on E-bay three days
prior. It was this very anvil that was
now plummeting towards earth.
Back on the Ground...
Foam-mouthed
goats bleated pitifully at the loss of one of their brethren, while a crippled,
but still slightly alive Riley attempted to crawl to his feet. He was making progress too, when the afore
mentioned anvil squished him in a spectacular display of blood and flying body
parts. Finally, one of goats trotted
over, and relieved himself on what little remained of Riley's corpse.
Spike
clapped and cheered from the safety of the store, while everyone else stood in
appalled silence.
"Well,
that has to be about the nastiest thing I have ever seen," Oz observed.
Xander
shrugged. "I've seen worse. Far worse."
He glared at Anne.
Buffy,
however, said nothing and quietly walked away.
The gang looked at each other, at a loss for what to do, but Angel just
went after her.
Once
they were a safe distance away, Angel tried frantically to think of something
to say. Unfortunately there was no good
way to say 'I'm sorry your ex-boyfriend got turned into a regurgitating Frovlax
demon, raped by rabid goats, ran over by an ambulance, squished by an anvil,
and peed on. I sincerely hope this in
no way jeopardizes our relationship.'
Fortunately,
Buffy spoke first. "Well, I can look on
the bright side and say that at least I didn't have to tell him that we were
breaking up."
Angel
continued to struggle to something eloquent to say, finally producing, "Huh?"
Buffy
took on of his hands in hers. "Look, I
already did my morning-thing for Riley, and I'm sure as heck not going through
it again. Even if he were to come back,
I'd stay with you anyway, so what's the point in brooding about it? Life's too short not to be happy."
Xander
watched Buffy and Angel walk off together, hand in hand, with more than a
little annoyance. "She doesn't look to
terribly upset."
Anya
shrugged. "I don't blame her. Riley was a slug. She is much better off without him. Besides, her children will be significantly more attractive with
her new mate." Xander stared at
her. "What? It serves him right. I
know Riley would cart me off and put chips in my head in a red-hot minute if
given the chance."
Giles
sighed as he went to go close the store and board up whole where the window
used to be. "I hope this fiasco doesn't
hurt business."
A
cab drove up a safe distance away and Wesley clambered out with a couple of
suitcases. He trotted over, carefully
avoiding the Riley-splat and the weasels that were carrying off the scattered
body parts. "Hey, you were supposed to
pick me up at the airport!"
"Sorry,
Wes," Cordelia replied, "but we kinda had a small crisis."
"What
did I miss?"
She
thought for a moment. "You lost the
pool."
To be continued
