AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before I get tons of hate mail reminding me Soul Calibur takes place in the 15th or 16th century, I would just like to say one thing: ANACHRONISM.
I would also like to say, "Pants!", "Cheese!", and "Tongue-bathing!"
*******
SCTV SUMMER LINEUP
*******
8-8:30 AM- KIDDIE FUNHOUSE
(Maxi, Xianghua, and Kilik are standing in the middle of a large room painted with pastel-colored bears and carousel horses. Gigantic stacks of building blocks and cute, fuzzy little stuffed animals are everywhere.)
KILIK: (under his breath) This is so degrading...
(Maxi kicks him)
XIANGHUA: (with a terrifyingly pleasant smile) Hey, kiddies! It's that time of day-TIME TO RUN INTO YOUR PARENTS' ROOM AND JUMP UP AND DOWN ON THEIR BEDS TO WAKE THEM UP!
KILIK and MAXI: YAY!
XIANGHUA: It's time to GORGE ON SUGAR CEREAL UNTIL YOUR VISCERA ROT!
KILIK and MAXI: YAY!
XIANGHUA: It's TIME TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS LATE FOR WORK BY MAKING THEM CALL THE PRESCHOOL TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO MONSTERS THERE!
KILIK and MAXI: YAAAAAAAAAY!
(All three run in a hysterical circle, then stop and stand grinning at the camera once again.)
XIANGHUA: And today, we have a special guest on Kiddie Funhouse! Everyone please give a warm, drool-covered, sticky-fingered hand-
MAXI: Hey, my hands are always sticky! Heh heh heh...
XIANGHUA: --to Mr. HUUUUUGGGGGHHH HEFNER!
(Hef himself walks in, wearing the ubiquitous bathrobe and carrying a large sack.)
HEFNER: Hi, kiddies!
KILIK, MAXI, and XIANGHUA: HI, MR. HEFNER!
KILIK: Oooooh, Mr. Hefner brought us something!
HEFNER: I sure did! (He reaches into the sack and pulls out a stuffed bear.) A teddy for Kilik...(He hands the bear to Kilik, then reaches in and pulls out another one.) and a teddy for Maxi...(He hands it to Maxi, then pulls out something that is definitely not a bear-although it is furry.) ...and a very special teddy for Xianghua!
MAXI: Hey, I wanna wear tha-
(Kilik kicks HIM.)
XIANGHUA: Oh, Mr. Hefner! Thank you so much! Won't you show me how to play with my new teddy?
HEFNER: My dear, I would be delighted.
(Hefner and Xianghua head for a gigantic, oversized crib in the back of the room.)
KILIK: (to Maxi) (Shit, what do we do now?!)
MAXI: (very loudly) While Mr. Hefner and Xianghua play with the teddy-
(Random obscene noises are coming from the background.)
MAXI: -me and Kilik will teach you today's Magic Word!
(A big easel drops from the ceiling. On top is a very fake-looking bird puppet.)
KILIK: Thanks, Mr. Birdie! (The bird makes a very phony generic bird noise, and "flies" away.) Today's Magic Word is...
MAXI: Well, what is it?
KILIK: Uh-oh! Looks like silly Maxi tried to change the Magic Word again!
MAXI: (nodding solemnly) Yes, I did. I was very naughty. Kilik, you and Xianghua will have to spank me.
KILIK: (smiling through his teeth as he shudders in disgust) Well, we'll have to find a Magic Word that EVERYONE likes! Hmmm...let's think...how about "BALL"? Maxi, you love playing with balls, don't you?
MAXI: I sure do! Sometimes I put them in my mouth, but they get stuck.
KILIK: Really? I always thought you had much too big of a mouth. And everyone knows you put everyone's balls in it.
MAXI: I've never put YOUR balls in my mouth, Kilik. Can I suck on your balls someday?
KILIK: No, and let this be a lesson to you, kids! Never put anything except food into your mouth! Otherwise, you could choke! And that would be bad.
(Maxi and Kilik nod solemnly as more obscene noises emanate from the vicinity of the crib.)
MAXI: I still want your balls, Kilik.
KILIK: (Go to hell, you perverted freak...)
MAXI: (You know you like it...)
(Xianghua and Hugh Hefner come back out and stand next to Kilik and Maxi.)
HEFNER: Okay, kids, what did we learn today?
KILIK: I learned that sharing is good, but you shouldn't share things with people if they're going to abuse them.
MAXI: I learned the meaning of the words "denial" and "sexual repression".
(Kilik kicks Maxi again.)
XIANGHUA: And I learned leather doesn't chafe as much as metal does!
HEFNER: That's all for today. Bye-bye!
(Everyone waves, smiling in a very fake manner, except for Kilik, who slugs Maxi hard in the face.)
8:30-9:30- THE EARLY MORNING NEWS WITH LIZARDMAN AND ROCK
(Lizardman and Rock, both wearing suits, are sitting behind a desk. Rock is still wearing a giant buffalo head over his own. Lizardman is eating the reports.)
ROCK: Unnnngggg! Urgh urgh urgh! NnnnnnnnnGYAH!
(Lizardman squeaks, then hisses.)
ROCK: HORG HORG HORG! GrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!
LIZARDMAN: Ssssssssss....
ROCK: UN-GAAAAH?!
LIZARDMAN: Hiiiissssss...
(Rock is starting to look very angry. He leaps onto the anchor desk and whips out his big ol' axe.)
ROCK: FUNGAH!
**WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.**
(When the show comes back on, a much calmer Rock is sitting back in his seat smiling. Lizardman is nowhere to be seen, but there are massive bloodstains and chunks of scaly meat all over the place.)
ROCK: Bloody bastard, insulting me mum! I'd kill him again if I had the chance, I would! (He takes out a cup of tea from under the desk and sips it complacently...then notices the cameras are still running.)
ROCK: Oh, bloody hell, I mean...GRRRRRRROOOOOOOOONNNNG! AAAAARRRRRGH ARGH ARGH! UNGAH CRUMBA!
9:30-11- MORNING WITH MINA AND HWANG
(Mina and Hwang are sitting in cute little chairs sipping lattes and apparently talking about something fantastically funny. The theme music fades out, and they turn to face the cameras, smiling brightly.)
MINA: Hi there, 16th century Earth! Welcome to "Morning with Mina and Hwang!"
HWANG: We've got a real super-spiffy show for you today! We even have a special guest!
MINA: Say, Hwang, is that a new cape?
HWANG: Why, yes. Yes, it is. I got it at H&M.
MINA: Ooooooh, I love H&M! Those Swedish people are something else!
HWANG: You bet they are-how else do you explain Ikea? Or should I say...I-KRAP-A? Heh heh heh!
MINA: **giggle** Gee, you're funny, Hwang!
(Suddenly, Hwang and Mina are staring into each others' eyes. The world around them melts away, and they are alone in a place of sun, air, and light. Slowly, Hwang takes Mina's hand and--)
(The producer clears his throat audibly. Mina and Hwang snap out of it and stare like deer in car headlights at the camera.)
HWANG: Right--! Well! **ahem**
MINA: Let's welcome our guest, Cervantes De Leon!
(Hwang, Mina, and the audience clap as Cervantes walks in and waves at everyone. He pecks a giggling Mina on the cheek and sits in the guest chair.)
HWANG: Cervantes, it's great to have you here!
CERVANTES: Well, it's great to be here, Hwang! Hell, it's great to be anywhere after being dead! **chuckle**
MINA: Tell us, Cervantes, what was being dead LIKE?
CERVANTES: Hmmm...well, it was kind of like sleeping for a really, really long time. Only longer. And more boring. And having little bugs all over you trying to eat your skin and not being able to do anything about it, and...
(Hwang and Mina are staring into each others' eyes again.)
CERVANTES: ...but really, after the book deal and my subsequent marriage to Anna Nicole Smith, I just thought to myself, 'Well, why NOT windsurfing?". So I went down to the sports shop and...
(Hwang and Mina are now kissing passionately.)
CERVANTES: ...and that little bastard wrote these HORRIBLE stories about having sex with a cat! That was the last time I ever read a fanfic, let me tell you! It was worse than one of those damn Mayu-ROXX stories and...
(Hwang and Mina have fallen off the couch.)
CERVATES: ...just like eating pie. Uh, hey, are you guys listening?
(Mina and Hwang look up guiltily and scramble back into their seats.)
HWANG: I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today! Join us tomorrow, when our guest will be Christian Slater.
MINA: Have a good morning, and thank you, Cervantes!
CERVANTES: My pleasure!
(Everyone waves as the TV goes to commercial...)
(Seigfried is standing in the middle of a battlefield, whacking people into little bits with his gigantic sword. The whole place is covered in blood and broken bodies.)
SEIGFRIED: Whoo! I sure worked up a sweat killing bands of evil marauders! I think I'll take a shower with new German Spring! (He holds up a bar of soap. Suddenly, the scene flips to a naked Seigfried in the shower.) Yes, German Spring moisturizes and lathers, for soft, clean, sweet-smelling skin! (He starts to scrub himself vigorously.) And what's more-
(He whips the shower curtain back to reveal Nightmare standing there, with Soul Edge raised above his head. Seigfried squeezes the bar so hard that in cracks in two, opening up to reveal goopy-looking stuff. Seigfried spreads the goop around the neckpiece of Nightmare's armor, then quickly ducks back into the shower.)
SEIGFRIED: --German Spring soap bars come with high-quality plastic explosives inside!
(A huge BOOM is heard. Seigfried stands up and gingerly pushes the gore-stained curtain over to reveal a now-headless Nightmare still standing there.)
SEIGFRIED: German Spring! You can't beat it! (He wink and holds up the bar of soap.)
VOICEOVER: And now, try new German Spring combination antibacterial hand gel and armor polish, or the new scented bath beads that can also be used as shotgun pellets! Herman Spring! You REALLY can't beat it!
I would also like to say, "Pants!", "Cheese!", and "Tongue-bathing!"
*******
SCTV SUMMER LINEUP
*******
8-8:30 AM- KIDDIE FUNHOUSE
(Maxi, Xianghua, and Kilik are standing in the middle of a large room painted with pastel-colored bears and carousel horses. Gigantic stacks of building blocks and cute, fuzzy little stuffed animals are everywhere.)
KILIK: (under his breath) This is so degrading...
(Maxi kicks him)
XIANGHUA: (with a terrifyingly pleasant smile) Hey, kiddies! It's that time of day-TIME TO RUN INTO YOUR PARENTS' ROOM AND JUMP UP AND DOWN ON THEIR BEDS TO WAKE THEM UP!
KILIK and MAXI: YAY!
XIANGHUA: It's time to GORGE ON SUGAR CEREAL UNTIL YOUR VISCERA ROT!
KILIK and MAXI: YAY!
XIANGHUA: It's TIME TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS LATE FOR WORK BY MAKING THEM CALL THE PRESCHOOL TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO MONSTERS THERE!
KILIK and MAXI: YAAAAAAAAAY!
(All three run in a hysterical circle, then stop and stand grinning at the camera once again.)
XIANGHUA: And today, we have a special guest on Kiddie Funhouse! Everyone please give a warm, drool-covered, sticky-fingered hand-
MAXI: Hey, my hands are always sticky! Heh heh heh...
XIANGHUA: --to Mr. HUUUUUGGGGGHHH HEFNER!
(Hef himself walks in, wearing the ubiquitous bathrobe and carrying a large sack.)
HEFNER: Hi, kiddies!
KILIK, MAXI, and XIANGHUA: HI, MR. HEFNER!
KILIK: Oooooh, Mr. Hefner brought us something!
HEFNER: I sure did! (He reaches into the sack and pulls out a stuffed bear.) A teddy for Kilik...(He hands the bear to Kilik, then reaches in and pulls out another one.) and a teddy for Maxi...(He hands it to Maxi, then pulls out something that is definitely not a bear-although it is furry.) ...and a very special teddy for Xianghua!
MAXI: Hey, I wanna wear tha-
(Kilik kicks HIM.)
XIANGHUA: Oh, Mr. Hefner! Thank you so much! Won't you show me how to play with my new teddy?
HEFNER: My dear, I would be delighted.
(Hefner and Xianghua head for a gigantic, oversized crib in the back of the room.)
KILIK: (to Maxi) (Shit, what do we do now?!)
MAXI: (very loudly) While Mr. Hefner and Xianghua play with the teddy-
(Random obscene noises are coming from the background.)
MAXI: -me and Kilik will teach you today's Magic Word!
(A big easel drops from the ceiling. On top is a very fake-looking bird puppet.)
KILIK: Thanks, Mr. Birdie! (The bird makes a very phony generic bird noise, and "flies" away.) Today's Magic Word is...
MAXI: Well, what is it?
KILIK: Uh-oh! Looks like silly Maxi tried to change the Magic Word again!
MAXI: (nodding solemnly) Yes, I did. I was very naughty. Kilik, you and Xianghua will have to spank me.
KILIK: (smiling through his teeth as he shudders in disgust) Well, we'll have to find a Magic Word that EVERYONE likes! Hmmm...let's think...how about "BALL"? Maxi, you love playing with balls, don't you?
MAXI: I sure do! Sometimes I put them in my mouth, but they get stuck.
KILIK: Really? I always thought you had much too big of a mouth. And everyone knows you put everyone's balls in it.
MAXI: I've never put YOUR balls in my mouth, Kilik. Can I suck on your balls someday?
KILIK: No, and let this be a lesson to you, kids! Never put anything except food into your mouth! Otherwise, you could choke! And that would be bad.
(Maxi and Kilik nod solemnly as more obscene noises emanate from the vicinity of the crib.)
MAXI: I still want your balls, Kilik.
KILIK: (Go to hell, you perverted freak...)
MAXI: (You know you like it...)
(Xianghua and Hugh Hefner come back out and stand next to Kilik and Maxi.)
HEFNER: Okay, kids, what did we learn today?
KILIK: I learned that sharing is good, but you shouldn't share things with people if they're going to abuse them.
MAXI: I learned the meaning of the words "denial" and "sexual repression".
(Kilik kicks Maxi again.)
XIANGHUA: And I learned leather doesn't chafe as much as metal does!
HEFNER: That's all for today. Bye-bye!
(Everyone waves, smiling in a very fake manner, except for Kilik, who slugs Maxi hard in the face.)
8:30-9:30- THE EARLY MORNING NEWS WITH LIZARDMAN AND ROCK
(Lizardman and Rock, both wearing suits, are sitting behind a desk. Rock is still wearing a giant buffalo head over his own. Lizardman is eating the reports.)
ROCK: Unnnngggg! Urgh urgh urgh! NnnnnnnnnGYAH!
(Lizardman squeaks, then hisses.)
ROCK: HORG HORG HORG! GrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!
LIZARDMAN: Ssssssssss....
ROCK: UN-GAAAAH?!
LIZARDMAN: Hiiiissssss...
(Rock is starting to look very angry. He leaps onto the anchor desk and whips out his big ol' axe.)
ROCK: FUNGAH!
**WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.**
(When the show comes back on, a much calmer Rock is sitting back in his seat smiling. Lizardman is nowhere to be seen, but there are massive bloodstains and chunks of scaly meat all over the place.)
ROCK: Bloody bastard, insulting me mum! I'd kill him again if I had the chance, I would! (He takes out a cup of tea from under the desk and sips it complacently...then notices the cameras are still running.)
ROCK: Oh, bloody hell, I mean...GRRRRRRROOOOOOOOONNNNG! AAAAARRRRRGH ARGH ARGH! UNGAH CRUMBA!
9:30-11- MORNING WITH MINA AND HWANG
(Mina and Hwang are sitting in cute little chairs sipping lattes and apparently talking about something fantastically funny. The theme music fades out, and they turn to face the cameras, smiling brightly.)
MINA: Hi there, 16th century Earth! Welcome to "Morning with Mina and Hwang!"
HWANG: We've got a real super-spiffy show for you today! We even have a special guest!
MINA: Say, Hwang, is that a new cape?
HWANG: Why, yes. Yes, it is. I got it at H&M.
MINA: Ooooooh, I love H&M! Those Swedish people are something else!
HWANG: You bet they are-how else do you explain Ikea? Or should I say...I-KRAP-A? Heh heh heh!
MINA: **giggle** Gee, you're funny, Hwang!
(Suddenly, Hwang and Mina are staring into each others' eyes. The world around them melts away, and they are alone in a place of sun, air, and light. Slowly, Hwang takes Mina's hand and--)
(The producer clears his throat audibly. Mina and Hwang snap out of it and stare like deer in car headlights at the camera.)
HWANG: Right--! Well! **ahem**
MINA: Let's welcome our guest, Cervantes De Leon!
(Hwang, Mina, and the audience clap as Cervantes walks in and waves at everyone. He pecks a giggling Mina on the cheek and sits in the guest chair.)
HWANG: Cervantes, it's great to have you here!
CERVANTES: Well, it's great to be here, Hwang! Hell, it's great to be anywhere after being dead! **chuckle**
MINA: Tell us, Cervantes, what was being dead LIKE?
CERVANTES: Hmmm...well, it was kind of like sleeping for a really, really long time. Only longer. And more boring. And having little bugs all over you trying to eat your skin and not being able to do anything about it, and...
(Hwang and Mina are staring into each others' eyes again.)
CERVANTES: ...but really, after the book deal and my subsequent marriage to Anna Nicole Smith, I just thought to myself, 'Well, why NOT windsurfing?". So I went down to the sports shop and...
(Hwang and Mina are now kissing passionately.)
CERVANTES: ...and that little bastard wrote these HORRIBLE stories about having sex with a cat! That was the last time I ever read a fanfic, let me tell you! It was worse than one of those damn Mayu-ROXX stories and...
(Hwang and Mina have fallen off the couch.)
CERVATES: ...just like eating pie. Uh, hey, are you guys listening?
(Mina and Hwang look up guiltily and scramble back into their seats.)
HWANG: I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today! Join us tomorrow, when our guest will be Christian Slater.
MINA: Have a good morning, and thank you, Cervantes!
CERVANTES: My pleasure!
(Everyone waves as the TV goes to commercial...)
(Seigfried is standing in the middle of a battlefield, whacking people into little bits with his gigantic sword. The whole place is covered in blood and broken bodies.)
SEIGFRIED: Whoo! I sure worked up a sweat killing bands of evil marauders! I think I'll take a shower with new German Spring! (He holds up a bar of soap. Suddenly, the scene flips to a naked Seigfried in the shower.) Yes, German Spring moisturizes and lathers, for soft, clean, sweet-smelling skin! (He starts to scrub himself vigorously.) And what's more-
(He whips the shower curtain back to reveal Nightmare standing there, with Soul Edge raised above his head. Seigfried squeezes the bar so hard that in cracks in two, opening up to reveal goopy-looking stuff. Seigfried spreads the goop around the neckpiece of Nightmare's armor, then quickly ducks back into the shower.)
SEIGFRIED: --German Spring soap bars come with high-quality plastic explosives inside!
(A huge BOOM is heard. Seigfried stands up and gingerly pushes the gore-stained curtain over to reveal a now-headless Nightmare still standing there.)
SEIGFRIED: German Spring! You can't beat it! (He wink and holds up the bar of soap.)
VOICEOVER: And now, try new German Spring combination antibacterial hand gel and armor polish, or the new scented bath beads that can also be used as shotgun pellets! Herman Spring! You REALLY can't beat it!