AUTHOR'S NOTE: I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, well ^_^
11:00-12:30- THE BUXOM AND THE MENTALLY DISTURBED
(Ivy, wearing a very skimpy purple minidress, stands staring out the window of Valentine Mansion. Suddenly, Seigfried comes up behind her and kisses her neck.)
IVY: Ohhh... Dr. Herman Von Shtupping-Smythe! My secret lover, who is also married to my best friend, Dementia Von Shtupping-Smythe, nee Dementia DeLuzer! What are you doing here? I thought you and your perfect family were vacationing at your palatial suite in the Hamptons!
SEIGFRIED: Ah, my dear Contessa Britney Saint-Notavirginnowaynohow. How could I possible stay with my gorgeous, devoted wife and two beautiful, overachieving children when I could be making passionate love to you, next heir to the throne of Britain? (He scoops her up in his arms and kisses her deeply.)
IVY: (Overdramatically swooning) Oh, my darling! Take me now!
SEIGFRIED: Where?
(Ivy looks at him like she can't believe he just said that. Seigfried blushes slightly.)
IVY: (Obviously ad-libbing) Oh, you joker! Ha ha ha!
SEIGFRIED: And now, my dearest love, let me sweep you away!
IVY: Oh, god, yes!
(Seigfried throws Ivy on the bed and climbs on top of her. Ivy moans and arches her back as Seigfried manfully rips her bosom.)
(Just then, Sophitia, wearing a sweet little pink babydoll gown, bursts in and aims a gun at the couple.)
SOPHITIA: Aha! Now I see what your little "spelunking" excuse was about, husband dear!
SEIGFRIED: Good lord, Dementia! What one earth are you doing?
SOPHITIA: (Advancing menacingly) I see it all now...my husband and my best friend...all those midnight phone calls...the exciting underwear I kept discovering hidden in your briefcase...the many, many times you compared her and I...well, damn you, Herman! Damn you to hell! I loved you, you bastard!
SEIGFRIED: ...ew.
SOPHITIA: EW?!?!? Get off that pasty whore!
IVY: I am NOT PASTY!
SOPHITIA: Some queen you'll make!
IVY: (Springing up and knocking Seigfried off the bed) You evil bitch!
SOPHITIA: SLUT!
IVY: WHORE!
SOPHITIA: TRAMP!
IVY: FLOOZY!
SOPHITIA: HO!
IVY: SKANK!
SOPHITIA: STREETWALKER!
IVY: TROLLOP!
SOPHITIA: REPUBLICAN!
IVY: **gasp** OOOH! (She slaps Sophitia across the face. Sophitia ignores the fact that she has a gun and slaps back, and the girls get into a tremendous catfight.)
SEIGFRIED: Whoaa...!
(Suddenly, in walks Cervantes.)
CERVANTES: Senorita Britney, I have feeneeshed mowing the lawn...aye carumba! Bitchfight!
SEIGFRIED: Why, Raoul, the mentally incompetent illegal alien gardener, whya re you here?
(Cervantes drools.)
SEIGFRIED: ...Nevermind. Quickly, get that gun away from my wife while I flex my manly muscles and cowardice behind the conveniently bulletproof bed!
CERVANTES: I can't do that, because...
(Cervantes rips his face off to reveal...Mitsurugi!)
SEIGFRIED: Charles! My long-lost fraternal twin brother!
MITSURUGI: Yes, and I've come to tell you that I am really the father of your children by Dementia!
(Sophitia crawls away from the catfight and throws herself into Mitsurugi's arms.)
SOPHITIA: Darling!
MITSURUGI: Angel!
(They kiss)
SEIGFRIED: But, Dementia, if you're having an affair with him, why do you care if I shag your best friend?
SOPHITIA: It's the principle of the thing, Herman.
SEIGFRIED: But I thought you loved me!
SOPHITIA: Yes. I loved you. A long time ago, before you started having penis problems.
(Seigfried turns a very, very deep shade of red. Mitsurugi looks grossed out.)
IVY: Ha! He doesn't have penis problems with ME!
SOPHITIA: Yeah! And that's because...(She storms towards Ivy and rips the rest of her dress off, revealing a bra stuffed with falsies and...something else...) ...you're really a man!
SEIGFRIED: (Hanging his head) It's true. I'm gay.
IVY: Now you know exactly why I'm going to be queen!
MITSURUGI: Ewwww. You already ARE a queen of England.
IVY: (Aims the gun at him) Don't think I've forgotten our tryst at Sea World...DIANE!
MITSURUGI: Don't taunt me with our tawdry past, STEVEN!
IVY: **gasp** You bastard! You wouldn't!
MITSURUGI: I would too! (He strides over and, before Ivy can stop him, rips off her head to reveal...Edge Master!)
EDGE MASTER: You horrible, horrible man! Well, take THAT! (He shoots Mitsurugi, who falls to the group choking on his own blood. Seigfried cries out and falls to his knees, while Sophitia screams and faints.)
(Edge Master blows on the smoking gun barrel and smiles grimly, then crouches down and gently takes off Mitsurugi's face. He was really Taki.)
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned tomorrow for another exciting, disgruntled-as-a-postal-worker installment of...THE BUXOM AND THE MENTALLY DISTURBED!
(Commercial break. Xianghua and Astaroth are standing in front of a colorful backdrop, behind a table with two bowls, a gallon of milk, and a box of cereal on it.)
XIANGHUA: Have you ever wondered just how fanfic authors manage to write us all so out of character? Have you ever pondered the possibility of making Sophitia a nymphomaniac, Kilik a strong and sensitive gay man, or Lizardman a manicurist who works in a flower shop and fights crime as Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Scaly at night? Well, new OOC Flakes cereal provides all the necessary IQ-lowering agents to make fanfiction possible!
ASTAROTH: Scream! Die!
XIANGHUA: ...uh...Y-yes! New OOC Flakes cereal contains vitamins "S" as in suck, "X" as in X-rated, "W" as in weird, and special vitamin "HSMOL", as in Hwang and Seung Mina Orgy Lemon!
ASTAROTH: Master...
(Xianghua is starting to look very upset. She inches away from him slightly.)
XIANGHUA: OOC Flakes come in lemon, lime, and underage-cherry flavors! Pick up a box today and write your first shitty fanfic!
(Astaroth grunts and slams his axe into the table. Xianghua bursts into terrified tears.)
11:00-12:30- THE BUXOM AND THE MENTALLY DISTURBED
(Ivy, wearing a very skimpy purple minidress, stands staring out the window of Valentine Mansion. Suddenly, Seigfried comes up behind her and kisses her neck.)
IVY: Ohhh... Dr. Herman Von Shtupping-Smythe! My secret lover, who is also married to my best friend, Dementia Von Shtupping-Smythe, nee Dementia DeLuzer! What are you doing here? I thought you and your perfect family were vacationing at your palatial suite in the Hamptons!
SEIGFRIED: Ah, my dear Contessa Britney Saint-Notavirginnowaynohow. How could I possible stay with my gorgeous, devoted wife and two beautiful, overachieving children when I could be making passionate love to you, next heir to the throne of Britain? (He scoops her up in his arms and kisses her deeply.)
IVY: (Overdramatically swooning) Oh, my darling! Take me now!
SEIGFRIED: Where?
(Ivy looks at him like she can't believe he just said that. Seigfried blushes slightly.)
IVY: (Obviously ad-libbing) Oh, you joker! Ha ha ha!
SEIGFRIED: And now, my dearest love, let me sweep you away!
IVY: Oh, god, yes!
(Seigfried throws Ivy on the bed and climbs on top of her. Ivy moans and arches her back as Seigfried manfully rips her bosom.)
(Just then, Sophitia, wearing a sweet little pink babydoll gown, bursts in and aims a gun at the couple.)
SOPHITIA: Aha! Now I see what your little "spelunking" excuse was about, husband dear!
SEIGFRIED: Good lord, Dementia! What one earth are you doing?
SOPHITIA: (Advancing menacingly) I see it all now...my husband and my best friend...all those midnight phone calls...the exciting underwear I kept discovering hidden in your briefcase...the many, many times you compared her and I...well, damn you, Herman! Damn you to hell! I loved you, you bastard!
SEIGFRIED: ...ew.
SOPHITIA: EW?!?!? Get off that pasty whore!
IVY: I am NOT PASTY!
SOPHITIA: Some queen you'll make!
IVY: (Springing up and knocking Seigfried off the bed) You evil bitch!
SOPHITIA: SLUT!
IVY: WHORE!
SOPHITIA: TRAMP!
IVY: FLOOZY!
SOPHITIA: HO!
IVY: SKANK!
SOPHITIA: STREETWALKER!
IVY: TROLLOP!
SOPHITIA: REPUBLICAN!
IVY: **gasp** OOOH! (She slaps Sophitia across the face. Sophitia ignores the fact that she has a gun and slaps back, and the girls get into a tremendous catfight.)
SEIGFRIED: Whoaa...!
(Suddenly, in walks Cervantes.)
CERVANTES: Senorita Britney, I have feeneeshed mowing the lawn...aye carumba! Bitchfight!
SEIGFRIED: Why, Raoul, the mentally incompetent illegal alien gardener, whya re you here?
(Cervantes drools.)
SEIGFRIED: ...Nevermind. Quickly, get that gun away from my wife while I flex my manly muscles and cowardice behind the conveniently bulletproof bed!
CERVANTES: I can't do that, because...
(Cervantes rips his face off to reveal...Mitsurugi!)
SEIGFRIED: Charles! My long-lost fraternal twin brother!
MITSURUGI: Yes, and I've come to tell you that I am really the father of your children by Dementia!
(Sophitia crawls away from the catfight and throws herself into Mitsurugi's arms.)
SOPHITIA: Darling!
MITSURUGI: Angel!
(They kiss)
SEIGFRIED: But, Dementia, if you're having an affair with him, why do you care if I shag your best friend?
SOPHITIA: It's the principle of the thing, Herman.
SEIGFRIED: But I thought you loved me!
SOPHITIA: Yes. I loved you. A long time ago, before you started having penis problems.
(Seigfried turns a very, very deep shade of red. Mitsurugi looks grossed out.)
IVY: Ha! He doesn't have penis problems with ME!
SOPHITIA: Yeah! And that's because...(She storms towards Ivy and rips the rest of her dress off, revealing a bra stuffed with falsies and...something else...) ...you're really a man!
SEIGFRIED: (Hanging his head) It's true. I'm gay.
IVY: Now you know exactly why I'm going to be queen!
MITSURUGI: Ewwww. You already ARE a queen of England.
IVY: (Aims the gun at him) Don't think I've forgotten our tryst at Sea World...DIANE!
MITSURUGI: Don't taunt me with our tawdry past, STEVEN!
IVY: **gasp** You bastard! You wouldn't!
MITSURUGI: I would too! (He strides over and, before Ivy can stop him, rips off her head to reveal...Edge Master!)
EDGE MASTER: You horrible, horrible man! Well, take THAT! (He shoots Mitsurugi, who falls to the group choking on his own blood. Seigfried cries out and falls to his knees, while Sophitia screams and faints.)
(Edge Master blows on the smoking gun barrel and smiles grimly, then crouches down and gently takes off Mitsurugi's face. He was really Taki.)
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned tomorrow for another exciting, disgruntled-as-a-postal-worker installment of...THE BUXOM AND THE MENTALLY DISTURBED!
(Commercial break. Xianghua and Astaroth are standing in front of a colorful backdrop, behind a table with two bowls, a gallon of milk, and a box of cereal on it.)
XIANGHUA: Have you ever wondered just how fanfic authors manage to write us all so out of character? Have you ever pondered the possibility of making Sophitia a nymphomaniac, Kilik a strong and sensitive gay man, or Lizardman a manicurist who works in a flower shop and fights crime as Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Scaly at night? Well, new OOC Flakes cereal provides all the necessary IQ-lowering agents to make fanfiction possible!
ASTAROTH: Scream! Die!
XIANGHUA: ...uh...Y-yes! New OOC Flakes cereal contains vitamins "S" as in suck, "X" as in X-rated, "W" as in weird, and special vitamin "HSMOL", as in Hwang and Seung Mina Orgy Lemon!
ASTAROTH: Master...
(Xianghua is starting to look very upset. She inches away from him slightly.)
XIANGHUA: OOC Flakes come in lemon, lime, and underage-cherry flavors! Pick up a box today and write your first shitty fanfic!
(Astaroth grunts and slams his axe into the table. Xianghua bursts into terrified tears.)