Entry Seven
-- I think this is going to be one of those times when I'm actually writing
something in order to try and work it out and understand it, cause I sure
as hell don't get it right now. I'm just very confused, and I'm trying
not to destroy anything. Don't be surprised if there are pages ripped though.
I just wanna hurt something
She drives me insane, she makes me furious, but I didn't
want her to stop, I couldn't believe it and I just didn't want it to stop.
I don't even remember how it started well, maybe. I think it
started when she asked why I have my hair over my eyes the way it is. Everyone
else had got baskets of food from the kitchen and gone to eat outside and
I thought she'd gone with them but she hadn't, there she was in just
this white blouse and those pants she wears and there she was, standing there
in the hall as I passed and she asked about my hair. What the hell? I don't
understa-*
I'm starting over, take a breath, that's it all
right. I'm acting like an idiot, on paper even. So Freya was in the hall
just leaning there on the wall like I do, and she made this remark about
my hair covering my eyes, which I do because they just make me look like
even more of a freak, since they're blue. I probably got it from my mother
but they look out of place on me, and I can still see just fine with hair
over them anyway. I don't remember what I told her (though I'm sure it wasn't
the truth), or why I let her walk with me, since I was going back to my room
to get my stuff and leave. I'm sick of Alexandria, I'm sick of being here
and I should go but now I can't go, now I don't want to
go.
She followed me there, we started talking, something
stupid about wanting to get to know me better, that I'm her friend and she
wants to know the real me. But I am the real me, I'm not holding back
some nice guy inside, not going to suddenly be Zidane or fuckin' Fratley
if she just says something right. She better know that, maybe she does, maybe
she doesn't, do I even know that?
She asked me all these questions, and she was happy,
she looked like she wasn't even thinking about him at all, maybe trying to
distract herself by messing with me. She talked about growing up and being
a Dragon Knight, which I guess was a hard thing for her to do being a girl
and she got a lot of shit for it from everyone else. She learned not to let
things get to her, learned to be very formal there, she learned to be a tough
bitch and yet there's this part of her that crumbles when anyone looks at
her the wrong way. I let her say her piece, no skin off my nose I guess,
fine, fine, I'll be your counselor, talk away, no different than me writing
in this stupid book to some unknown person in the future.
But after that she wanted me to talk, but I didn't want
to say anything so I didn't, and she just looked at me as I was sitting there
on the bed edge, and then she sat behind me and real slowly put those little
hands on my shoulders. I truly think she was scared of me getting pissed
at first, snapping at her or lashing out, and she was right to be, 'cause
I would have, I know it, but when she did that I couldn't move or say anything.
It's like she cast Stop on me 'cause I stopped, right there.
She started rubbing my shoulders and my mind was saying
'get away' but I didn't say anything, and she said that I walked hunched
over so bad and I should relax, a whole bunch of stuff I didn't really hear
because I was trying so hard to tell her to leave me the hell alone and I
couldn't say it, like my throat was just locked up. She made me lay on my
stomach on the bed so she could reach better and I just went and did it,
why did I do that? Every part of me was yelling that she could just jab a
knife into the back of my skull, that I was just so defenseless like that
but maybe I trust her? It makes sense; why would she try to kill me now anyway?
Maybe I trusted her even though I didn't, you know?
Anyway, she asked why I'm always hunched over and also
about my childhood but I really couldn't tell her about either of them, those
being connected and all. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she could
rub all she wanted and I'd never straighten out, no matter how nice it felt
or how much I wanted it to be true. I'm stuck this way since Caleb kept me
in a cage for so many years, that he didn't think to get a bigger one as
I kept growing, that I had to sit there with my head nearly between my knees
to fit in there before I was able to get out of there for good. Did she want
to hear the way I cried, unaware of my own existence, my own humanity, only
feeling the pain and wanting it to make it stop? How could I tell her that
and then be able to take the look of pity on her face? Oh, what the fuck
am I saying?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, I'm calm now, I'm going to continue because I
guess it needs continuing. Paper makes a very satisfying noise when it's
ripped but I'm sure you knew that. Anyway, I have more problems now so I
don't need to drag up the past anymore, even though crap like that is part
of me and I guess it has a place in a book about me too. It happened and
I said I wouldn't cross it out.
Something else happened too, and I'm going to write
it down despite the fact that my brain is sending off warning signals that
I shouldn't. The thing just should vanish itself from existence but it's
also the real reason why I am so confused right now. You see, I don't remember
what made it start but Freya decided to show me her Burmecian dancing, and
all I'm going to say is that after a while of watching her dance around in
that little shirt I made sure to stay laying on my stomach on the bed. I
was damn uncomfortable, and I'm not talking about my belt buckle pinching
my gut either. I'm not going to embarrass myself by intricately describing
it but you probably know what I mean. In fact, if you're a guy you probably
know exactly what I mean, and if you're a girl you probably know
exactly how to make it happen.
Are you done laughing at me now? Fine. So she's a
demi-human I don't know if you'd call her pretty, in the conventional
sense of the word. She's Freya, that's all I can really say about her. But
when she looks back over her shoulder at you with eyes like emeralds and
her white hair swinging around her face, it doesn't matter that she isn't
human, that those tiny hands of hers only have four fingers, that she has
a tail with a little damn ribbon tied on it. When she smiles and makes you
feel like you're the only person in the world and that you matter, that your
life means something because it means something to her - it doesn't
matter that she's a Burmecian. It just doesn't. I know there are quite a
few people who might not understand this, who might think it unnatural,
dirty fine, whatever. I sure as hell won't be able to change your mind.
You can sit on it and rotate for all I care. Besides, it's not like I'm human
myself, when you get down to it. Don't ask me why I'm trying to rationalize
this anyway, since it's all a big waste of time. I've gone and ruined anything
that might have happened between us.
'Between us', fuck, listen to me talking like I know
what I'm saying. Freya was trying to be a friend or something and I start
acting like a fool. How could she let me lose control like that? Didn't she
know what she was doing would affect me like that?
She had her hands on my shoulders again, and then she
was leaning down to say something to me, her hair falling into my vision
like this silk curtain, and I just lost it I guess, flipped over and pinned
her down before either one of us knew what was happening.
I have to be imagining it, wishful thinking or something
clouding the way I remember this, but she didn't seem scared or angry, or
anything other than surprised a little. I think we just kind of laid there
staring at each other, and then she reached up and kind of brushed the hair
away from my eyes. She was startled when she saw them, like most people,
and gasped, and when I heard that, I dunno, it just kinda set off something
in me, this thought that I didn't want it to happen again, that if I let
myself hurt Freya I would kill myself. So I just ran away, even when I heard
her call my name I didn't stop, I just got out of there and hung around town
for a while. When I did go back I made sure to avoid her or any of the others
she might have told. I ought to be on my way to Treno now but I'm staying
holed up in my room until I can force myself to actually go.
Stupid, I know, cowardly, dumb, it's all the clichés
you've ever heard. Shout at the book, 'you know you love her, don't run off
and ruin it with that hackneyed 'I'm afraid I'll hurt her' thing!' Go ahead,
it won't change the fact that I did in fact do it, have in
fact hurt someone before, and I'm not just talking about some broken heart.
Besides, I don't know if I love her, I don't know anything, I don't understand
anything.
I really need to leave Alexandria now, but, for some
reason, I don't want to. But I don't want to see her either and try to explain
what happened, or apologize, or anything like that. Maybe I just want to
keep that one moment, when I knew I meant something, safe with me here without
having to talk to her, and risk having her take it back.