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Entry Nine
--I've gone and done it now. I had this chance just sitting there waiting
and I went and killed it. You bet your ass this has to do with Freya, and
while I'm still sort of calm I'm going to explain it here. Fuck it, now that
she knows it'll get out to everyone, and I might as well include it
here so that you don't get the impression that I'm a decent kind of person
or anything. At least it's a chance to give my side of it, not that I'm trying
to defend what I did. I'm not that kind of crazy, not that it means
anything.
I don't know if she fell on her head or what, but for
some reason Freya decided to go find me, heard I was still in town because
of course someone like me doesn't exactly blend in, you know. I went and
left the castle but was taking my sweet time like an idiot in getting out
of town, mainly because I've been most everywhere already and wasn't too
thrilled about seeing it all again.
Okay, who am I kidding? I'm lying, I'm lying, I didn't
want to leave because, I don't know, I guess I really did still want to talk
to her, I wanted her to know I wasn't just some coward who ran off because
our faces were, like, this close, you know, and because she gasped
when she saw my eyes?
And well, she did come to find me because she thought
I ran off because I thought she was ugly, that I didn't want to roll on the
bed with a demi-human, that I was feeling sick for liking her and she's got
a tail. So she's telling me all this, kinda going around and around the subject
till she gets there, she's actually got these tears in her eyes at implying
that I'd have wanted her in the first place, and here I'm thinking oh shit,
oh shit, oh shit. I really didn't want her to look like that at me, and she
isn't the one who needs to apologize, and so - I told her.
I told her what I wanted never to tell anyone, just
to make her feel better than me, to make her be the right one and not me.
And when she heard it she just got, I don't know, stunned, and those eyes
went wide and I saw fear there, maybe not so much, and then I knew I just
could never see her again and I left. I left with the memory of her scared
of me, she's never scared of anything, you don't hear her say so much as
'ow' on the battlefield and when I went away all I left of me was that, being
scared, and her eyes saying 'I'm hurt' even though she never says that. I
hurt her and I hurt her and I'm not ever seeing her again, is that a good
enough punishment? I just made a mistake! I told her about when I was younger,
on my own after Caleb died I killed Caleb and it was really
the first time I was feeling life for myself, and I didn't know what I was
doing, and I followed around all these brigands and I know now that they
were just treating me like a pet, just like Caleb, only I thought they were
friends because I was damn naïve even being brought up the way I
was.
So these 'friends' thought it would be funny to set
me up with some whore in Lindblum once, it was as far as I ever traveled
then and I was just so in awe of everything but trying to look tough so no
one would try to bother me, and I didn't even know what was going on. They
gave her some gil to kiss me and she was adventurous and did it and they
all laughed while I just wondered what was going on. They gave her more money
to do more stuff and then take me back to her room and I guess I was better
than starving so she took it, and everything that happened, it was a blur.
But I somehow I lost it, something that happened made me go back to that
way I was, without a mind, animal and without anything, I just hurt her and
lost it and didn't know anything, but I hurt her like that and oh those brigands
laughed at me and at her, said she deserved it taking their money for
that.
I didn't know, I just - well I told her! I told her
that was why I ran away and now I can't ever see her again, I left her with
pain and I can't ever see her again can't ever come back again-*