Downpour
Time: 6:41 p.m.
Location: My Dorm Room [Bathroom]
Date: December 4, 2000
I didn't know what I was doing. I'm still not sure why I opened the door so wildly. The only thing I knew was that I was behaving like some raging maniac; and I was scaring her.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!"
"What are you talking about?"
She backed up towards the bathtub.
"You know damn well what I'm talking about! Why aren't you taking those pills?"
"I am taking them."
Shaking my head, I screamed loudly at her. I spoke of my discovery in the trashcan. She rests her hand on the sink counter, and begins breathing quickly. Nervously. She looked afraid, and she had every right to be.
"Why are you doing this Seifer? I don't need this right now. I DON'T NEED THIS! I don't want to live anymore, I WANT TO DIE!"
I stood silently letting those words sink in. Thoughts of her finding it so easy to leave me behind only pissed me off more. Thinking of her talking to Squall more than me was fucking crazy. All of my rage and pent up frustration was growing in my fists.
"That's great! JUST DIE! We don't need you anymore!"
She nodded, tears streaming down her face. Her chest heaved up and down. I shouldn't have said what I said at the moment, but I didn't really care anymore. If she wasn't interested in saving what only a few people get to have, then neither was I.
"Fuck you Seifer! I don't need you. Who needs someone like you?"
Shit, here it comes again. She's the last person I wanted to hear that from. She seemed so weak in front of me. How can someone weaker than me, speak so badly? It drove me mad, how she couldn't see how much I cared for her. My eyes were burning right through her as she continued saying how she wants to die without me. Somedays, I pray that this never happened, but I can't take it back.
I wanted to shut her up. I didn't want to hear this. Not knowing what I was doing, I raised my fist to her and slammed it hard into the side of her face. A loud "SMACK!" echoed through the little room. The force of my hand, and the shock of me hitting her, caused her to fall backwards into the bathtub. I didn't feel sorry right after I did it. I stood there and watched cruelly as she held her cheek in pain. She opened her eyes and stared directly at me. A look of confusion, sadness, weakness, and fear pierced into me. Lowering my eyebrows, I suddenly realized what I had done. I had just abused the only person who ever cared for me.
Moving towards the tub, I held out my hand, as if to say I was sorry. I wanted to help her up. I wanted to hold her. She moved her hand from her face, and quickly pressed her back against the porcelain wall, backing away from me. I wasn't going to force her to get up. She already had enough on her mind. I gave up, and swiftly exited the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.
Time: 10:10 p.m.
Location: My Dorm Room
Date: December 4, 2000
She hasn't come out yet. Perhaps she knows that I'm still in here? I never wanted her to be afraid of me. How can I expect that, after what I just did? I can't hear her moving in the bathroom, but I can hear her crying. I can't take this anymore.
Walking to the door, I place my hand on the doorknob. Should I go in, and comfort her? Would she even want to see me? No, I'm not even going to try. Instead, I leave the room, trying to escape all my mistakes. But how do I escape myself?