Entry Ten
--Okay, look, I'm only writing this down because Zidane told me to. He caught
up with me on the road, actually got ahead of me and was waiting for me all
sitting on a boulder acting casual, the asshole. Being 'dead' sure didn't
do anything to help his smarts, 'cause he didn't know better than to argue
with me and try to get me to go back. And I know you're reading this over
my shoulder, thief-boy. Go away.
I know how bad I fucked things up with Freya, and I
don't need him to tell me about them. I'm sorry, but you just don't look
at someone the same way after they've told you about the horrible things
they've done, and I'm not going to give her a chance to look at me
with fear or disgust, no matter how much Zidane begs.
Well, I let him read it. This, yeah, what you've got
in your hands now, rather than say out loud again what I'm so afraid of.
He's trying to give me advice even though none of it will work, none of this
is as simple as to be fixed the way he fixes things, with a grin and a gleam
in his eye and besides, I am the wrong one, the bad one here and this
is the best thing to do. I told him to shut up while I'm writing
but dammit, he doesn't listen very well.
Don't get me wrong, I don't like running away. But I
can't just be going around looking for fights anymore, and
I've already feel like I've gone and slashed her through
the chest. The tears in her eyes was the javelin in me so we're both dead,
both lost, and I'm better than to stay and kick someone who's down. It's
enough to whip myself over it, wonder why I couldn't have come up with a
safe little lie and at least still have a friend left. Dunno how it happened,
but it's grown to be real hard for me to lie, especially to Freya.
Zidane thinks there's a way to fix things, or at least
explain everything, but I'm not so sure. It would still mean I wouldn't have
to go back to Alexandria, at least, since he would do it for me. I have to
think it over, and I'm going to take my time. What does he know? Let him
sit out here and bake in the sun and wait for me, it's the least he deserves.
I could be halfway to Treno by now.
All right, all right, I've been saying all along that
I'm writing this for whoever might happen to find it in the future. But,
now I've thought it over and I'm going to take Zidane's advice, even though
it's sure to embarrass me and maybe ruin things even more. But what can I
do? Nothing, that's what, but this.
So, Freya, I guess this is for you. Understand me more,
hate me more, it's all up to you now. I can't apologize for anything in here,
can only say that it's the truth as I know it. My book it
is yours now because I'm not going back for it. Like I said at the beginning,
do what you want with it now, it's all there is of me - my athanasia, my
own piece of immortality all bound up here. 'Big words' and all.
At least you'll know who it was who fell in love with
you.