Warnings: You're above 12? (I only pick this number randomly. I could care less how old you are. What you read is your own responsibility.) Read at your own risk but there's nothing really bad, just an itty bit of death and shonen-ai with implied yaoi. This is a Gundam fic.
Couples: I think you can work them out from this...
You can sort out the flashbacks and memories for yourselves.
For all intents and purposes he was calm, listening attentively to the Priest's sermon.
/I can't hear it,/ Duo realised suddenly. /I couldn't hear it then either,/ he remembered. The braided young man looked around. The smell of flowers wafted to him briefly. /I can't hear anything,/ he confirmed to himself. There was any number of sounds he should have been able to hear. But, like that one time, a few days ago, he couldn't hear anything. Couldn't hear the quiet shuffling of the gathered mourners, their quiet murmurs of disbelief, the Minister of Peace's muffled sobbing, the clicks of the cameras and the soft hushed tones of the reporters. He should have been able to hear them all but he couldn't. There was nothing but the single shot of a gun, a gunshot he hadn't even heard echoing in his head.
He looked down. There as a small envelope in his hands. Neat, white and addressed only with the word 'Duo' but despite that marking he would have known it was meant for him. A child had pressed it into his hand as he had been making his way into the church.
"He said this was for you." Those had been the words the imp of a child had said after the girl had pulled his braid to get his attention and slipped the note into his hand. She'd slipped back into the watching crowd before he could ask her more and then Hilde had dragged him back to where he should be, making his way with the rest of the mourners, into the church to pay their last respects.
Just before he had entered the church, the girl child had returned looking at him with a mixture of awe and respect. She'd pulled his clothes this time and while pointing at the nearly forgotten note, had said, "He said it was for you. He said to tell you that it was his explanation and declaration." The girl had truly gone then, vanishing as if she had never been and there was nothing he could do then. He was at an event. He and everyone else here were on display. They had been gathered here a few days before in happiness but now they had gathered together in grief.
Duo looked up from his memories of the recent past. The Priest was still droning. He'd heard the ceremony before, he'd heard it far too many times before, even whispered shortened versions of it himself for those souls he knew wouldn't have the grace of a final good-bye. This ceremony was universal despite the differences religions placed on it and he knew exactly what it contained.
The braided boy looked back to the altar. There were flowers there. There were almost always flowers there. White. They had been white a few days ago too, when he'd been standing there. Were they always white? It wasn't fitting. They should be red. The red of blood, the red of grief.
They'd both been standing there, in front of the altar. Duo wriggled. His clothing today was too similar. He'd been dressed in black then with a red cummerbund and tie. The only difference was today, the red was replaced by black. He wore only black today. Heero had been standing there too. Steel gray with blue accents that had highlighted his eyes. He'd looked good, they'd looked good, as good as a groom and his best man were allowed too. They couldn't outshine the bride after all and she had been beautiful. Brown hair, brown eyes and delicate white lace but before that, they had been waiting.
No one had ever said the Gundam pilots were normal. That was for sure. And that was why, when it was usually the Best Man who spoke to calm the Groom, it was Duo who was talking. Where was the surprise in that? Heero never spoke unless he had too. He'd grinned then, elbowing Heero in the ribs, almost wincing at the strength he knew was there, "Bet 'cha Relena's got the date set huh?" It was his wedding day, but he didn't doubt, then, that their positions would soon be reversed.
"Hn."
He didn't have the chance to say more because there had been a stirring at the door, and Heero's strong arm turned him around to face his bride. Throughout the entire ceremony Heero had said nothing. So what else was new? He wasn't *meant* to say anything and his face had betrayed nothing. Or if anything, but only to those who knew him, he had looked a little pleased for his friend. He'd passed Duo the rings without a murmur, without meeting his eyes. Duo hadn't really noticed that then. He did now. Then though, as now, he hadn't heard the ceremony at all. Most would say he was too lost in the beauty of his intended.
"But I never lie," Duo whispered looking up at the altar.
The altar was so peaceful, even when hundreds had gathered around it. /I remember.../
He remembered, once long ago in the mad days of the war, he'd looked at Heero. The boy had lain beside him, sated and asleep. He had the same air of peace around him then that Duo could sense now. And it wasn't peace caused by the sex. It was true peace. Sex hadn't really meant anything to either of them. It was something they both needed then. They had needed to be together then, needed the comfort another could offer to hold off the pain neither could bear alone. When you killed as much as they did, during the war, left the adrenaline rush of escaping death yourself, sex was something you needed. It was only natural, something to remind them that they weren't alone, that they were alive. It felt good but emotionally it meant nothing. They both knew that.
/I loved you then, Heero. But it was time to move on. After everything it was time to move on. You knew that too. Relena was there for you and Hilde was waiting for me. I loved you then, Heero. Did you love me? Did you love me ever? You never said anything, although you were always so gentle. It was time to go on, wasn't it? It was time for us to be just friends./
"... and put everything to rest..."
Duo twitched, violet eyes widening but he wouldn't cry. /Shinigami does not cry./ Heero had asked him that once...
/Asked... More like demanded./
"Duo, we need to put things to rest."
"I know." He'd actually been serious for once. Heero's expression had told him this was not the time for his usual antics. Even for him he was being fierce. "We both know the war is over. I'll always be your friend Heero but the war is over, it's finally over and we don't have to be the soldiers any more. Everything can be put to rest."
"..."
"We'll still see each other Heero, just as friends."
"Hn."
He would have said more but what he had said was what Heero wanted to hear, wasn't it, so the little he had said would be enough. Relena and Hilde had come then and had taken their respective arms. And by the time Duo had gotten Heero again, the Japanese boy was back to his usual stoic self.
Duo looked over at Hilde, raising his arm and rubbing his hand over her shoulder. She turned into him, seeking what comfort she could. Throughout the church it was like that. Quatre and Trowa, Wufei and Sally, Zechs and Noin. Only Relena seemed alone although Dorothy was hovering as discretely as possible. The other girl didn't seem to be comforting her at all but she was trying. How was it possible to comfort one who had had her heart set on a future that now couldn't possibly be?
/The future.../
It was ridiculous. He should be paying attention to the ceremony but all he could do was lose himself in his memories. Heero, in one of the few questions he had *ever* asked Duo, had asked about the future. Only day's ago. The night before. The night before he'd married his future.
"So, does this mean that Shinigami is dead?"
Duo had blinked before he laughed. "What makes you say that?" He'd questioned almost immediately before continuing. "Of course not! The war didn't kill Shinigami, marriage isn't going to either. Shinigami can't die."
"..."
Silence then. /I guess he had to save up his words for what was to come later./
On the night of his wedding, at the reception Duo had wondered how many wagers had been lost. The Perfect *Silent* Soldier talked without having the words pried from him. Heero had not only talked but as his best man he had given a rousing speech. It had been beautiful. Perfect. As perfect as the day.
"... And now I join with the rest of this happy gathering with wishing my friend all the best for his new future with his wife. May Duo Maxwell be truly happy."
Had Heero really said that? His speech had been so lovely. His voice had been perfect. Happy, pleased, thrilled and with the slightest traces of envy but nothing had been wrong. Who wouldn't be envious of a man marrying a woman as beautiful as Hilde, even if he had his own Lady? There hadn't been anything else there. /I know you too well, Heero. You couldn't have hidden it from me./
He'd had to speak after that. It was usual. He'd thanked everyone for coming, for their presents and well wishes. Thanked everyone for their help in making this day perfect. He'd even joked that Heero had talked without being coerced. The comment had earned him nothing. Not a flinch, not a gesture. Nothing from Heero but a hearty laugh from his audience. But he hadn't noticed. Heero wasn't one to display emotion. He'd thanked everyone but then he'd turned to Hilde, drawing her up to stand beside him. "...And I have to thank my wife, my life, my future is with her. Shinigami I have been, Shinigami I will always be but for the moment Shinigami is dead. Death is not a thing that should be brought to marriage. Death is not something I need any longer when life lies ahead!"
The cheers that had come from that statement had nearly deafened him. Quatre had been ecstatic. He had been truly happy for Duo, in the way that only someone so deeply in love themselves can be. Most of the guests had gone back to dancing then and after they'd cut the cake he and Hilde had made a quiet get away. Maybe it was pretentious, considering how many insinuations and jests he'd made when Trowa and Quatre were leaving their reception for him to sneak off quietly but he didn't care.
Heero had seen them off. He'd made sure the car was waiting and after he had gotten Hilde settled he'd turned back to Heero to thank him.
"You sure you can handle this lot?"
Heero had nodded, as silent as always.
Duo had studied him for an instant then. Something... There had been something in his eyes that wasn't right.
"I handled them in the war," the Japanese youth had volunteered after a moment, blinking his blue eyes.
He'd flung his braid over his shoulder as he'd snickered. "You did at that." He'd been grinning like an idiot. "Well, ja matta!" And with that he'd turned, and leaped into the drivers seat.
Duo cast one glance back, "You say anything?" The question was ridiculous and he was shaking his head even as he asked. Heero wouldn't be saying anything to him now.
Those blue eyes meet him evenly. "..."
Master... No that was now Mister Maxwell, he had to remind himself, shook his head again. "Ja," he added before looking over and smiling at Hilde. "Well Love, let's go. The future awaits!"
She'd giggled. The soft noise strangely akin to the murmurs of grief she was now displaying.
Duo blinked, dragging himself back to present, focusing his eyes on the envelope in his hands again. Staring off into space was not something he needed to be doing now. Not now, of all times when the whole world could see.
'...declaration and explanation...' That's what the girl had said.
/Dammit. I shouldn't be here!/ He clenched his fist around the paper. /I should be on my honeymoon, but instead I'm at a funeral. What the fuck went wrong? Why the hell'd he do this?/ Duo wanted to scream as his anger finally found it's way to the surface but instead he just sat, staring at the paper, breathing regularly as he slowly stroked Hilde's hair, raging in the silence of his mind.
'...declaration and explanation...'
/Why the fuck did he kill himself? The future was before him. It was before us both! The peace he fought so hard for was here, finally./
'...declaration and explanation...'
/Oh... I don't think you can explain *this,* Mister Perfect Soldier./
Duo reached out, slowly with both hands and ripped the paper.
'He said it was for you.'
There was only a small folded sheet inside but he held it close. No one else needed to see this for the moment.
/Typical as always./ There were only a few words on the paper.
'...declaration and explanation...'
/...no.../
"Well, ja matta!"
"...ai shiteru, shinigami..."
"You say anything?"
"..."
"Ja."
/...no.../
The paper was perfect, unblemished and there in neat strokes, Heero's hand writing was always so neat, were the words:
'
...declaration and explanation...
It wasn't possible. Even now, he never wasted a word.
"...no..."
Everyone,
I'm leaving you this because I had to leave you something. And it had to be something solid, something real, which is why I haven't sent this to you over the net. One letter. One letter to explain a lifetime. It will not be enough, I know, but it is all I can leave.
Seven words. I talk so much that words are just something to say, something to hear. Sure there are some that are far more important than others. I know that. 'I love you' doesn't mean much without an action so I never thought that seven words could change me. I never thought seven words could explain *everything.* Never. Seven words....
But you don't know what I'm saying, do you? And I meant this letter to be an explanation.
You know, everyone, most of you assumed I'd been completely honest with Hilde before we married. While I never lied to her, there were things I hadn't said. She never asked so I never felt the need to tell her. Not until that night. Not until I knew. The night of Heero's funeral.
I told her then. I told her the truth about Heero and I, about everything that had happened between us. I told her how we had been lovers during the war, how we had sought comfort in the other. Of how, at times it was the only thing that let us keep on going, the only way to know that we were alive, that we weren't completely heartless killing machines. She didn't cry, she didn't weep, she wasn't even that surprised. Why should she be? That time of my life was over. The one I had loved then was dead and I had stopped loving him before he died. I'd married her as the proof of that. But I didn't tell her just for her, nor just because he was dead. I told her for me. I knew then, in the past that I loved him. I've always known, it's just that at times it's easier not to know.
What I remember now though, is the night when I told Heero I was going to marry Hilde. He looked the same then as the time when he told me that we needed to put everything to rest. And it's only now, with seven words echoing in my head do I see the path he wanted. That abstract look of pain. The way I felt to that should have told me then. No, I did know then, I just buried it.
My wedding was perfect, wasn't it? He was perfect. The perfect soldier was the perfect best man. I know. And I know Quatre knew that something was wrong. You could feel his pain, couldn't you Quatre? But you couldn't do anything about it and what you felt I'm sure was not nearly close to the truth. I didn't know then. I know only now. Heero was good at hiding. As good as I am at stealth, he was just as good when he wanted to be. He was good at hiding, perhaps too good, if none of us knew anything close to the truth until my wedding. I know now that he was sad, I cannot deny that to myself.
He didn't meet my eyes. Did you know that? Did you see that? When he gave me the rings, he didn't meet my eyes. I think I knew for sure then. I don't see how I could not.
Relena. Oh boy... The problem that you are, the problem that you hid. I thought he was happy with you so I sought my own happiness with Hilde. But yet I know he only sought you after I had sought Hilde. He sought you... You had sought him the entire time but he only gave himself to you after I had gone to Hilde. It is not your fault, either of you. Hilde and Relena, neither of you are to blame. No matter what he may have felt, no matter what I feel, you have both only been honest. That is a courage it seems neither of us have had. Perhaps it wouldn't have come to this if we had had that courage.
If *we* had had that courage...
No... If I had had that courage. All through it all, I'm sure he knew. I lied. I who never lie. I *lived* the biggest lie. And I lived that lie against the only one who should have mattered. I knew. The day I told him we should go our separate ways, the day I told him I was marrying Hilde, the day I married Hilde. All through it all I knew. I knew where my love was. It hadn't just gone away with the war. He knew. Those blue eyes never missed a thing. There's no way he couldn't have known, and he knew I was deceiving myself. I guess my greatest anger is that he didn't show me, show me what I knew to be true. But Heero wasn't like that. We had to see for ourselves. And I lied to him and then drew out his torture. I didn't pull the trigger, I did everything but. So you might as well say I pulled it. Everything I did pulled the trigger.
'Ai shiteru.' I never told him that. Oh sure, I said it when we had sex during the war. But I never told him that and knew I truly meant it. Now you see why I pulled the trigger? I knew it. I just never said it. I never acted upon it and he always did his best to see that I was happy with what I chose even when he knew that's not what I really wanted.
Seven words. That's all he left me. His declaration and explanation. I can almost hear you now. Seven words are not enough. But it is. This is Heero. Seven words are more than enough. You are wondering why he did it. I know. I wondered too until I read his words. He did leave a note. I never told you about it. Seven words, you can hardly call that a note but yet it encompassed everything he wanted to say, everything he could have said and everything that he never said.
It's all he left. His declaration and explanation. He knew what he was doing, just as I know what I am doing now. The poison is fast and I will fall asleep soon. A sleep I will not wake from. There is no pain Quatre. He didn't feel any pain and despite everything I did to him I know he didn't want suffering. Not even for me.
He was so peaceful wasn't he? Laid out in quiet repose. He was so peaceful. As if the war had never been. You will find me like that too.
I'm sorry Hilde. But this is what I want. I'm sorry that I didn't see it sooner and so could have spared you the pain.
Seven words was his declaration and explanation. 'I belong to Shinigami and Shinigami's dead.' Funny how it took them to make me see the truth I'd always know. It was those words and not his death which forced me to see. I am commited to him and it is a commitment so strong there is no other choice. My explanation is long but my declaration is short. Too short for me, you might say but the truth is always short.
I am Shinigami and Shinigami lives.
Owari.
Ai shiteru - I love you
Ja matta - See you later (familiar and less formal saying for parting
(Less formal than Sayonara))
Ja - The abbreviated version of Ja matta
Note: In no way, shape or form am I condoning suicide. If you are in such a situation that you are considering it, then I would recommend that you seek help. I think you will find that there is a lot more help out there than you would initially believe.
Feed back would be appreciated. (Flames even because then I know I at
least got to someone!)