Without Understanding

When Wolverine answered the door, it wasn't a surprise to see Sera, lugging a giant suitcase. Xavier, Jeannie and Terry had all told him she was coming. Xavier, in terms of things that ought to be known, Jeannie with a wicked little grin that let him know she hadn't forgotten that foreplay line and Terry in pure excitement. He had to say, that girl was nuts about the woman.

Sera stood in the door, dressed in black cutoffs, a black tank top and those apparently all purpose black combat boots, and glared at him through her tangled mess of hair. "This has nothing to do with you," she said aggressively, pushing her way through the door.

He grinned and stepped aside to give her room. "Course not, darlin'. Strictly an independent choice, I gotcha."

"Where do I put this crap?"

"Prof assigned you a room. C'mon, I'll show you." It was then that Wolverine noticed that in addition to her luggage, Sera had a black leash looped around her wrist and that, trotting behind her, was a tiny little orange and white ball of fluff.

"You didn't have a cat before," he observed.

"I do now. Wolverine, meet Rakehell, Rakehell meet Wolverine."

At the sound of his name, Rakehell arched his back like a Halloween cat and hissed angrily at Wolverine.

"Sweet pet ya got there, darlin'."

"Room. Now. This thing weighs a ton."

"Right this way, your majesty."

"Screw off."

Yep, that went about as well as he'd been thinking. He grabbed the suitcase and led her up to her room, Rakehell the fuzzball hissing with all of his kitten might the whole way. Some person with a sadistic sense of humor had put her room right across from Wolverine's own. Maybe Scott had figured why pay for cable when you have the Sera and Wolverine show live everyday, free of charge? Sera seemed kind of subdued or at least subdued for her. She hasn't bouncing off the walls, or driving him batty or trying on his emotions for size or any of the other things she did to drive him nuts. He'd ask, but he really didn't want to know. His money was on the boyfriend not being pleased with her switching jobs so abruptly and it was a real fact that he didn't want to hear one more thing about good old Charm.

"Here ya go, darlin'. You need me, you just call. That's my room right across the way."

Sera's only response was obscene. Rakehell stalked over and, trying to be subtle, sank his teeth into Wolverine's leg.

Yep, it was her cat, all right.

He didn't know what he'd been thinking, worrying bout having her at the mansion. Man, he hardly ever even saw her. She spent all her time teaching, or hanging out with Hank in the lab or spending quality time with Terry, walking the grounds. The only time he ever saw her, she was teaching classes to the whole adult staff on teacher stuff. He could just tell Chuck was tickled pink, hiring a real live teacher for the school.

Chuck's dream didn't all come true, though. Sera made it perfectly clear, the very first day, that she was no X-Man. She wanted to teach and she'd be more than happy to let Hank and Chuck figure out how she was put together and even more thrilled to help put any injured X-Men back together after a fight, but she wasn't going to fight. Wolverine had never figured that he could be impressed by someone who didn't fight, but she impressed him. She put her foot down and it stayed down. Her sheer force of will was almost more intimidating when it became clear she didn't think she needed to back it up physically. People just better do what she said or else. The or else was unspoken and unspecified. He bet no one ever had the guts to try and find out what happened if she got crossed.

Nope, he didn't know why he'd been worried he'd be seeing her all the time. And he sure wasn't feeling anything, one way or another, bout not seeing her like he thought he would. Cause there was no reason to care.

He needed another beer. Badly.

Sera was finding the fitting in easy. There were some problems that were same old same old, no matter what the school, like she figured she and Scott, or Cyclops as he was sometimes called, were never going to best buddies. Did the man have no sense of humor? And a lot of the kids were in bad shape- damaged by life- and they could be a bit of a challenge to teach. And there were new problems, like she had never taught in a residential school, no matter how unorthodox, before and it was sort of weird, knowing the kids were around all the time, in the same building, even if they did live on a different floor. It was still weird. But there was good stuff, too, like teaching Terry again and getting to know a whole new group of kids. Plus, it seemed like she and Jean might really become friends and Hank was just as wonderful as she remembered. Ororo, or Storm like the others called her, seemed nice enough but quiet and difficult to get to know. It didn't seem like anything personal. And Xavier, well, she guessed he was a bit disappointed by her not joining the X-Men. That, he was going to have to live with.

Nope, she wasn't going to regret this. Three English classes a day and two on living with mutations, soon as she got settled in some. That would be the hardest, trying to teach what had always come as second nature. She hadn't been totally stupid, though. If this didn't work out, she had only taken a leave of absence from her old job, not resigned. On the harder days, that thought hovered in the back of her skull, tempting her. But she knew in her heart, she had made this choice for keeps, no matter how hard.

Because it wasn't the job, not really. It was everything that happened to put her in this place at this time. It was Terry getting hurt so badly she still winced when people touched her unexpectedly- Sera thought it said something, that Terry's closest friend at the school was Rogue, who couldn't touch people with her bare skin. It was telling the truth to Charm and seeing the look of horror on his face. Oh, he said he could get used to it, but she didn't think there was anything to get used to. Nothing was different except for what he knew. Which was apparently, too much for him. He called, but not very often. It was seeing Wolverine, not everyday, but often enough and trying to figure out what the deal was there.

She needed a beer. And if she remembered right, Wolverine's was not only damn good, he still kept it in the fridge, where any old person could find it. Grinning wickedly, she headed down to the kitchen.

The kitchen was empty when she wandered in, which was hardly a shocker, given the late hour. Opening the fridge, she grabbed one of the beers out- they were just sitting there, free for the taking- and wandered over to the drawer were the bottle opener was kept. Popping the top off, she leaned against the cool, white kitchen wall, took a deep shallow and closed her eyes, trying to relax.

Deep breath in, hold, deep breath out, take a drink. She could handle living here despite all the changes. She could do it. Deep breath in, hold, deep breath out, take a drink. Really, it was just another job, nothing to stress about. Deep breath in, hold, deep breath out, drink. Ahhhh... slowly beginning to relax.

A shiver of desire crawled through her body, all the stronger for being unexpected. There was surprise there, too and anger, just a bit. Her eyes popped open to see Wolverine in the door, watching her. He was dressed in what seemed to be his typical clothes of jeans and a tank top. With her eyes open, the desire wasn't just his. She hadn't seen him alone since she moved in. He looked... good. Very good.

"You drinking another of my beers, darlin'?" he rumbled, staring at her.

Holding his eyes and feeling the emotions kick up another notch, she took a long drink and finally said, "Yep. Sure am." She could feel herself grinning.

He was across the kitchen faster than she expected and all of a sudden she was pinned against the wall, caught in a cage of his powerful arms. He was leaning over her, an arm on either side her, hands braced on the wall. Up close, the emotions were overwhelming, hers and his tangled together, so entwined that she couldn't tell where his ended and hers began.

"Don't ya think ya ought to pay for those beers you pilfer?" he growled; his voice was low and rumbly but she wasn't afraid because his anger had vanished, had drowned in the wave of something more powerful.

"Seem to be a little low on cash right now," she retorted, looking not into his eyes but at the body that was so close to hers. He was a powerful man, almost devastatingly so, and it was a heady feeling, being this close to him.

"Ain't what I had in mind," was his response.

"Oh, yeah?" Sera taunted and raised her eyes to his, knowing it wasn't a brilliant plan but unable to stop herself.

"Yeah." But his voice was slower now, his eyes also locked on hers and the two of them were caught, just like they always were.

His feelings washed over her: desire and possession and restraint and frustration and above all confusion. She was sure that hers were in there as well it was only that they were so similar. Neither moved, not even to blink. She could almost see his emotions, almost hear them.

/how is this happening why do I feel this way what is going on I want you want to belong to you belong to me want you need you why why why is this happening what is going on want you how does this happen why does this happen what are these feelings?/

They weren't touching. They didn't need to; all they needed was this. It was enough. It was almost too much. It was fire, ice; it was consuming them. There was no telling how much time passed, it was forever, it was half a second; it was turning time inside out.

"Am I interrupting something?" asked a loud voice. Wolverine spun around and Sera, free from his eyes, blinked, dazedly, at Jean, who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, a bemused look on her face.

"Not a blazing thing," snarled Wolverine, and grabbing a beer from the fridge, he sauntered from the kitchen like he didn't have a care in the world. It looked convincing. If Sera hadn't still been able to feel everything he was feeling, she would have been convinced. He was not calm, he was not collected; even out of the room, the things he was feeling almost made her weak in the knees.

"Sera?" asked Jean, still staring. "Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine," answered Sera weakly, sleepwalking to the nearest chair.

Jean grabbed the one next to her, put a friendly arm around her shoulder. "What's going on with you and Logan?"

Sera blew the hair out of her face with an exasperated huff; the spiky strands puffed off her forehead for a second and then fell right back where they wanted to be. "Nothing. Nothing's going on."

"Didn't look like nothing to me."

"It's nothing. What can it possibly be but nothing?"

A long pause then as Sera drank Wolverine's beer and Jean stared into space, looking thoughtful. "What do you want it to be?"

Sera snorted. "That's easy. I want it gone."

"You've haven't said too much about your life before the school. Is there someone else?"

"Jeannie, are you seriously advocating Wolverine as someone to have a relationship with? What drugs are you on? I barely know him and I can tell that's a seriously bad idea."

"Just answer the question, Sera. Is there someone else?"

"Yes. No. How should I know?" Jeannie stared, her gaze unrelenting. She wanted to know? Fine, Sera would expand. Anything was better than talking about that scene with Wolverine. "There was someone. Maybe there still is someone. I don't know. I told him I was a mutant. It kind of ruined the mood between us. He swears he just needs time to get used to things. Maybe it's a dodge, maybe it's for real, I just don't know." Sera laughed then, hard and bitter. "It's why I got good old Rakehell. Lose a man, gain a cat."

Jeannie laughed at that. The smile stayed on her face a moment, half wistful, half caring. "He's a good man, Sera, in his own way."

Sera thinned her shields down, the better to understand what Jeannie was trying to say. Wistful was the right word, yes indeed. Wistful and something else. In a tone that was close to amazement, she whispered,
"You want him?"

Jeannie shook her head, her red hair catching the light. Sera couldn't help but notice that Jeannie was so much more beautiful than she was. "I'm taken." It was Sera's turn to stare, disbelieving. It was both the only possible answer and not nearly enough of one to make sense. "Not that I didn't think about it," Jean added. "But I'm taken. And I'm starting to think he is, too."

At that, Sera stood up and pushed her chair in. "This has disaster written all over it. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a glutton for punishment." Walking towards the door with long steps, her back to Jean, she paused abruptly. "Jeannie? The hell of it is, I know he's a good man. I just don't know if he's a good man for me."

And then she was gone.

When Wolverine got home from the bar that night, he wasn't drunk but that was only because his healing ability processed the alcohol so fast that it was almost impossible to get drunk. He had wanted to get drunk. He had tried to get drunk. But here it was, last call had been served and he was still sober. Maybe a little buzzed but not enough to make a difference. He'd been hoping for too drunk to know what he was doing, too drunk to even think about Sera and the hell that was living in the same place as her.

He was heading for the stairs when the sense of another presence stopped him. "Jeannie. What'd ya do, wait up for me? I'm touched."

Jeannie came out of the shadows; she was dressed in a robe and slippers to ward off the early September chill. "You okay, Logan?"

"Right as rain, darlin'. What could be wrong?"

"Sera."

"I don't wanna talk about her. 'Specially not with you."

"How much longer are you two going play this out?"

"Nothing to play out, Red. It ain't what it looks like." He headed for the stairs and could hear Jeannie starting up behind him. "Drop it, Jeannie. Even if it was what it looks like, ain't nobody's business but ours."

"What do you think you can hide from her? You know she's an empath, Logan."

He was at his door by then, the door that was across from Sera's. Like that wasn't torture. Had to be Cyke's doing; they had never gotten along. Whole damn hallway smelled like cinnamon now, not strong enough for anyone else to notice but with his senses, it was impossible to forget she was nearby. "There's a lot I know, Red, that you don't. Leave it be." And he slammed the door behind him, not caring that everybody else had to be asleep that late at night. I know a lot, he added to himself, and not one damn bit of it does me any good.

He went drinking the next night as well and couldn't even bring himself to be surprised when Jeannie was waiting up for him again. "This is getting to be a habit, darlin'. Scott's gonna think you're leaving him for me, you keep this. Man might get ideas."

"Scott's not blind," retorted Jeannie briskly. "It's pretty obvious where your attention is these days. Why don't you just sweep her off her feet or whatever the hell you do when a woman you want is actually available? This is just stupid."

"Available ain't the word for Sera, Jeannie. I met the guy. No contest there. You should see him."

"I think you should talk to her again. Things might not be what you think."

"Butt out, Jeannie. Whatever the hell it is, things like this, they don't last. It'll burn itself out."

Jean grabbed his arm. "I'm your friend, Logan. Maybe the best one you've got here, and I'm telling you that you're being a fool."

"That you're professional opinion, doctor? Going charge me for your words of wisdom?"

She let go. "Fine, drive yourself crazy. Pretend you're not interested in Sera and that she's not interested in you. Do whatever you want!" she stormed off to the room she shared with Scott, the robe swirling behind her as she went.

He wished like hell he could still want her. It'd been doomed, but it'd made sense. Sera didn't make sense at all and it was driven' him crazy.

When she showed up in the lab the next weekend, Hank looked thrilled. "Sera!" he called from where he sat in front of the computer, "Greetings and salutations!"

She jumped in a wheeled chair and rolled herself across the floor to him. "See, now, you're just getting lazy. You got that from Heathers." Once she got close enough, she hugged his neck and peeked at the computer. "Gah! That looks evil."

"To your first point, I must confess to a secret love of that movie. To the second, no, this is merely only routine test. Perhaps you simply find it forbidding because your own expertise lies in literature and not in the hard sciences."

"Well, I did suck at them," she acknowledged. Hank laughed. "Actually, that was what I wanted to talk to you about."

He raised an eyebrow inquiringly. "Hard sciences? Why ever for?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. It's just, a school this small, a student population like this one, I thought I ought to know. I'll trade you something."

The other eyebrow went up. "And what were you thinking of offering in trade, my dear?"

She took a deep breath. Here went nothing. She had to get Wolverine out of her mind. Worse yet, she kept thinking of Charm as a way to get rid of Wolverine-themed thoughts and she refused to be the one who broke first. He needed time, fine, let him have all the time he wanted. "Dinner. With me. As a trade."

Hank went still, only his eyes moving. They slid away from her, quickly. His face was shuttered now, none of his emotions showing. She thought about reaching for them but since she had so obviously stepped wrong already, it seemed a worse sin to then go invade his privacy.

"I say something wrong, Hank?"

A bitter smile touched his face and vanished almost as quickly. He still refused to look at her. When he spoke, his voice was gentle but firm. "Serendipity. I value you as a friend but I beg of you not to do this."

"Do what? Ask you out?" She tried to say it with a laugh.

"If you truly meant it, if you were truly interested, I would be truly flattered. And extremely agreeable. But Sera, I have eyes. I have seen Logan and you together, I've seen how you are with each other. I have no wish to put myself between you."

"There's nothing to be between of!" Why did people keep insisting there was? Maybe there was attraction, sure, but it wasn't anything they were acting on. Much.

A strange look passed across his face, gone too fast to read. "Sera, I will be more than happy to teach you science, teach you anything you want. But I will not be your consolation prize for Logan and its unfair of you to ask. And unkind."

A blush spread across Sera's face. There was a tone of regret in the Beast's voice that she had never expected. It had never occurred to her there would be some real interest there, had never occurred to her that she was being cruel. Obviously, this mess with Wolverine was making her stupid. "Hank, I'm sorry. I apologize. Please forgive me?" He nodded his acceptance. He didn't look surprised, only resigned. "I'd rather it was you!" Sera added suddenly, almost desperately. "Why couldn't it be you? You're my friend; we make sense. If I hadn't met Wolverine," and her voice was resentful now, "it would have been you. I wish it were you!" She lowered her shields a bit and projected, just the faintest bit, so he would know she wasn't lying to him.

She had never tried sharing her feelings with him before and felt absurdly pleased when he put a large hand over his heart. "Thank you, my dear lady. I am indeed touched." Another pause. "May I inquire about Logan?"

Sera rolled her eyes and slumped back in the chair. "What's to tell? You've seen us together. That about sums it up."

When Hank spoke, his voice was gentle. "From what I have observed, you two are volatile together but not... disinterested. I am uncertain as to how long either of you can pretend that nothing's going on."

She shook her head once, sharply. "Nothing is going on! I didn't come here for him! I came here for Terry. And the other kids. Not him."

"The mansion's not that large, Sera. You can't avoid him forever."

"I can try," she shot back. "Okay, sorry, that was immature. I just wish... look, this, this thing, between him and I, I don't know what it is and I don't want it at all."

"Are you sure you're telling yourself the truth here?"

She was silent then, rolling his words around in her mind. What was the truth here? She missed her old life, her simple life. "I came here for Terry. That is true. Wolverine... I don't know what that is. I don't know how to deal with it. To deal with anything like it."

His brow wrinkled slightly as he listened to her words. After a second, Hank thoughtfully asked, "Is there something more, here, Sera? Something I'm not understanding?"

"Yeah. Yeah, there is. There' another man, a man I thought was the kind I always wanted to be with. He's everything Wolverine's not but when he found out I was a mutant... well... I haven't heard much from him since. And Wolverine, well, he's everything Charm's not. If that makes any sense."

"Maybe if you elaborate...?" Hank prompted, still watching her.

"I had what I thought I always wanted, with Charm. He was a storybook Prince Charming. Perfect. And he was so..." she paused here, looked down at her lap so she wouldn't have to met Hank's eyes. "This is a terrible reason to be with someone; I'm just starting to realize that. But he was so normal. In a way I never could be. It wasn't even so much that he was a human and I'm a mutant as the smaller things. His family, his childhood, I wanted things like that for me. He had a father. I never did. For all I know, when the Jannhanson woman want babies, they just make them themselves. Sounds strange I know, but I've always wondered. No one in five generations of my family have married and I don't remember any men, not even when Raphie, my older sister, got pregnant and I was sixteen. I would have noticed, I would have remembered. So a lot of being with Charm, as awful as it sounds, was sheer envy. I mean I care about him, sometimes I even think I love him, even though I have no idea how love like that works, having never seen it."

"And Wolverine?" asked the Beast gently, tipping her face up to met his eyes with one massive hand. "What do you feel for him?"

"I honestly don't know what I feel. I just know I feel too much when I'm with him. Things with Charm are calm. Restful. Like being with you. Things with Wolverine, its too much, its like being burned alive from the inside out. When I'm with him, I can barely think straight. It scary, what we're like when we're together. Hank," Sera added in desperation, "are you sure you won't go out with me? You, I understand. What I feel for you, that I understand."

When Hank spoke again, his voice sounded a little strained. "Sera, please. I'm not so much a gentleman that I can keep saying no when I want to say yes. Now, if you could look me in the eyes and tell me you want me more than Logan, I would say yes in a heartbeat. But you can't say that, can you?"

Sera looked down, up, anywhere but at Hank. She shook her head, miserable, embarrassed, "I don't think," she whispered finally, "that I want anything else in the world as much as I want him." Maybe Terry as her daughter, but that was her secret.

"Then you need to talk to him," suggested Hank, taking his hand away from her face; her skin was cold, once his warmth was gone. "And I think I need to be alone and work now."

Sera nodded, wiping at her eyes quickly. She got up to go, and then stopped and threw her arms around his neck. "We're still friends, aren't we, Hank? I haven't screwed this up?"

He hugged back, his arms powerful but careful, his fur soft against her skin. "It is my fondest hope that you and I will always be friends, Serendipity. But now I think you need to go and think of what you want to say to Logan."