Uncle Lantis's
Family Fun Hour
Primera the announcer: HI EVERYBODEEE!! Welcome to
Uncle Lantis's Family Fun Hour!!!!!!!!!! The funnest hour of fun for the whole
family!! Lantis is soooo hot!!!! He's such a man!!! Oh, cut the vapors!! Cut
the vapors!!! (faints in the announcer booth)
::a tall, dark, and handsome
figure trudges onto the stage, obviously wanting to be anywhere but here::
Lantis: (deadpan as always)
Hi...kids...(no answer) Uhhh...kids?
Aska: (in the audience)
THIS IS ALMOST AS BAD AS THE TIME I HAD TO TUBE FEED CHANG ANG!!!
San Yun: But Miss Aska, you wanted
to come here.
Zazu and Ascot: We're not kids!!
Zazu: Yah, why did we get dragged
here??
Caldina: You kids shut your mouths!!
You loved this show when you were younger, Ascot!!
Ascot: That was 7 years ago!
Zazu: Heh heh heh. (whips out
a paper bag with some tequila inside) Well *I* have some quality
entertainment with me!!
Lafarga: (holds up a badge)
Security, sir. I'm afraid that's contraband on these premises. (confiscates
Zazu's booze)
Zazu: That's it. I'm leavin'.
C'mon, Ascot!
Lafarga: I'm afraid you can't leave,
sir. (The audience sighs in anger)
::cut back to
the......"activity".....on stage::
Lantis: Well...kids....we...have a
great show for you today.....maybe...
Hikaru: (runs on stage dressed
like a monkey) Hi everybodeeeee!!!!! It's me!! Hikaru the Magic Monkey!!!
Zazu: I'd boo if she weren't so
hot!! (catcalls, causing Hikaru the Magic Monkey to blush) Whaddya
think, Ascot??
Ascot: (blushes) I prefer
blue hair...
ViridianCat: NO YOU DON'T!!
Ascot: (winces)
Please...don't hurt me...I....like you more!!
ViridianCat: You'd better!! (grins
and flashes V sign) I'm the producer!
Lantis: So...Hikaru...the Magic...Monkey?
Do you....have any...magic?
Hikaru: HAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!!!!!!
(pulls Mokona out of a hat) IT'S MAAAAAAAAAGIIIIIIC!!!!!!!
Aska: BOOOOOO!!!!!
Caldina: That was impressive, right
Ascot?
Ascot: Um.....it's
so.....generic....
Caldina: I PAID $50 FOR THESE
TICKETS YOU HAD BETTER ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!
Hikaru: Ummm....(pulls Mokona
out of Lantis's ear)
Mokona: Puuu puuuu!!!
Audience: Booooooriiiiing!!!
Zazu: Take it all off!!!
Lantis: Calm down...minna...(everyone
calms down because they know he's got a sword) Um...cut to a cartoon...I
need a Tylenol...
::cut to cartoon thats so
cheaply animated and pointless it makes Dragonball Z look like the Ah!
My Goddess! movie::
Tatra: Would you like some tea,
Ne-san?
Tarta: No, I would rather work on
this hook rug.
Tatra: Why, dear sister, that's
not like you. Normally you would like to sword fight!
Tarta: Well, violence is bad!
Tatra: That's right kids! Violence
is bad! And drugs are worse!
Tarta: I would never take drugs!
Tatra: And the moral of this story
is...
Both: STAY IN SCHOOL!!! (both
wave buh-bye)
::end cartoon...the audience
and Lantis and Hikaru and everyone else stare silent::
Zazu: The only redeeming value in
that schlock was that the chicks were scantily clad! Woo!!
Aska: That sucked!! SAN YUN!!
Paper and brush!!!
San Yun: Yes, ma'am! (tries to
give her a brush and paper, but its intercepted by Lafarga)
Lafarga: Sorry, paper and brushes
are contraband. (confiscates the paper and brush)
::cut back ot the
stage...where the real action...isn't...::
Lantis: My...that
was....retarded......
Clef: Psst! Read the cue card,
man!
Lantis: (sigh) My,
kiddies...that...was...fun...........
Audience: NOT!!! (throw plug and
gear at Lantis)
Lantis: Um...I
have...another....um...treat....(doorbell FX) Oh my...someone's at...the
door....(opens the door on the set, and Eagle pops out of the door) Oh,
boy...it's...Mailman Eagle...
Mailman Eagle: Hiyas, Uncle Lantis-chan
^_^!!!!!!!!!!
Lantis: Don't call me that. (Clef
torches the cue cards...no ones using them anyways)
Mailman Eagle: Oh...ummm...OK...
Lantis: I bet I have mail, don't I?
Mailman Eagle: YUPPERS!! ^_^ (hands
Lantis a bunch of envelopes)
Lantis: Bills...bills...I may have
already ten million dollars....ha I wish...
Mailman Eagle: Golly, what if you did win
a million dollars, Uncle Lantis??? ^_^
Lantis: I wouldn't be doing this
show I can tell ya that.....Tell me do I have any redeeming mail in here.
Mailman Eagle: Well...no....mail's been
slow since the disgruntled ice mistress maillady Alcyone went postal after
postmaster Zagato ran off with his secretary Emeraude......
Lantis: (stares bug eyed)
Get offa my set. (shoves Mailman Eagle out the door) Mailman Eagle,
everyone.
Aska: Oh, man!! Why'd ya get rid
of him!!! He was the only interesting guy so far!!!!
San Yun: Miss Aska, please keep your
voice down...
Zazu: (head in hands) Poor
Eagle....
Lantis: Well...ummm..I have
another...special treat....(sirens) OH KAMI-SAMA WHAT NOW???!!!
Primera the announcer: Uh-oh Lantis-sama!! you
know what that siren means, right??
Lantis: My shift is over??
Primera the announcer: NO, SILLY!! IT'S TIME FOR....FUU'S
CLUES!!!!!
Lantis: (head in hands) Oh,
God no...
Primera: Does anyone here know what
Fuu wants to do??
Caldina: FERIO!!!
Lantis: Caldina...this is a kiddie
show.......
Ferio: (runs on stage dressed
like Steve from Blue's Clues and about as enthusiastic as a lost Navy pilot
flying over the Bermuda triangle)
HiandwelcometothisportionofthishowcalledFuusClues. ImFerio.
Letsjustgetthisoverwith...Fuu...
Fuu: (walks on stage dressed
like Blue...only she's green) I'm ready, Ferio-san! I have placed three
green pawprints on three objects pertaining to that which I would like to do.
Mokona: (bounds in with a green
paw print plastered on him. everyone remains silent) PUU PUUUU!!!!!
PUUUPUUPUUPUU!!!!
Ascot: I don't get it...if she can
talk, why does she have to do this? Can't she just say what she wants to do?
Caldina: Oh, just play along! Hey,
Ferio-honey!! There's a clue right there on that marshmallow thing!!!
Ferio: (picks up Mokona)
Oh, boy...there's one clue right here...geez...
Presea: (walks in with a clue on
her forehead and carrying a baseball with a clue on it) Hi, everyone!! (the
crowd reamains silent)
Ascot: Shouldn't we go looking for
the clues instead of the clues finding us?
Caldina: Quit your complaining, Ascot!
Ferio-honey!! There's a clue on Presea's forehead and that baseball!!!
Ferio: Good job...I
guess....Well...can anyone guess what Fuu wants to do?
Caldina: FERIO!!! (Lafarga the
security man duck tapes his beloved's mouth shut)
Zazu: She wants to shove the
baseball down the marshmallow thing's gullet, cook it, and serve it too the
orange-haired babe!!!
Fuu: That is incorrect,
Zazu-san. I do not wish to cook Sir Mokona.
Zazu: Why? I would. (Emeril
voice) MOKONA FAT RULEZ!!!! Just put some GAH-LICK on it...(audience
cheers)
Ascot: I think she wants to knock
Presea out with the baseball and take Mokona for a walk.
Aska: NOOOOOO!!!! THAT'S NOT
IT!!!!! Fuu wants to have tea with Mokona and Presea and serve it in the
baseball!!!
Lantis: You stupid kids!!! Can't
you get anything right??? (audience stares) I mean.....Fuu which one of
these.....(grits teeth) little...angels....got the correct answer?
Fuu: They were all incorrect. I
wanted to play baseball with Miss Presea and Sir Mokona.
Ferio: There ya have it.
Aska: THAT WAS STUPID!!!!! I
GOT IT RIGHT!!!!
Zazu: NO YOU DIDN'T I DID!!!! (mass
chaos ensues)
::after these messages,
we'll be right back...::
Red Djinn: Hi! I'm Red Djinn!
Blue Djinn: And I'm Blue Djinn!
Both: And we want to pump! YOU
UP!!
Red Djinn: At Djinn's Gym...30th block
on the Chizetan Turnpike.
Blue Djinn: Just sign up with our one
year membership!! We guarentee results in a month or your money back! Just ask
one of our satisfied customers...
Gateau Mocha:
.....?????.....I've...er...never been here before....but LOOKIT MEEEEE!!! (rips
off his shirt and does what makes Gateau Gateau! And for those of you
heathens who don't watch Sorcerer Hunters...that would be flexing.) I'm so
hot!!! Marron doesn't know what he's missing!! (continues to flex)
Red Djinn: And there you have
it....another satisfied customer!
Gateau: But I've never been to your
gym! I've always used the Nordictrack at the Stellar Church!
Blue Djinn: Read the cue cards, you
moron!!!
Gateau: I'M NOT A MORON, YOU
PANTYWAIST!!!
Blue Djinn: OOOOOOO I'm angry now!!!
::screen goes black::
::and now back to our
program::
Zazu: The commercials are more
entertaining than the show.
Lantis: (puts out his cigarette)
Well....um...before we go...I have a...special treat...*cough* very
special...*cough* and that would be...
Umi: (runs on stage dressed
in a blue flamanco dress) It's time for Cooking with Clef 'N' Umi!!!
Lantis: So...ummm...why are you
wearing a Flamenco dress...?
Umi: We're cooking Spanish food
and teaching everyone how to tango!!! AAAAIIIIYAAAAAYAAAAYAAAAA!!!!! (breaks
out some castenets)
Clef: Hello, everyone!! (walks
out wearing a mariachi outfit and has a rose in his teeth)
Umi: Shall we dance?? (Umi
and Clef tango across the stage. Lantis grabs Zazu's confiscated tequila and
helps himself)
Zazu: BOOOOOOORIIIING!!! Bring on
the magic monkey!! She's hot!!!
Umi: Listen, buddy, if you can't
stand a little culture, get out of the studio!
Zazu: I just might!! Nyah!
Umi: Why you little....
Clef: Ok, kids! We're going to
learn how to make peanut butter & jelly!
Umi: I thought we were going to
make Spanish food!!!
Clef: (sweatdrop)
well...errr...my griffon thingey ate all the ingredients....
Lantis: *whew* That's OK....we
don't...have...any cooking stuff...anyways...Clef 'N' Umi everyone...
Umi: Whaaaaaaa......??? WE'RE
NOT DONE YET!!!
Lantis: Oh yes you are....(shoves
them off the set) Well, thank God! We have one more special treat for
you...ummm....I guess...it's....(chokes) Sing A Long time with Geo
Metro..........God help me.....
::cut to Geo-sama, dressed
in veeeery baggy jeans and lots of Mr. T-type metals. Oh, yeah, because of my
infallible addiction to all things Geo-sama....he's got no shirt on::
Geo: Hi.
Zazu: Hiya, Geo! Got dragged here
too?
Sailor Ghost: As Geo-sama's personal
agent/lawyer/representative/miko/koibito/kikkon/megami - I am forced to say
that my client will not be answeringany questions. You may commence.
Geo: Thanks, babe. This is a
song called "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem! (begins to sing...the
audience's eyes begin to swell to immense porportions)
Aska: San Yun...what does that
word mean??
San Yun: I'd rather not say, Miss
Aska....
Geo: (keeps singing) Oh,
come on kids! Sing with me!
Lantis:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIT!!!!! Geo you can't sing "The Real Slim Shady" in
front of a bunch of kids......thats morally irresponsible.
Geo: (face turning red and
beginning to rant in a British accent) I GAVE UP THE TITLE ROLE IN "HAMLET"
WITH THE ROYAL BRITISH THEATRE ONLY TO FIND MYSELF LIMITED IN MYCREATIVE
SPHERE!!!! Sailor Ghost! (snaps fingers) My contract please!
Sailor Ghost: Actually, big guy, your
contract limits your creative sphere by a huge margin. I told you that you got
a better deal playing Willy in "Death of a Salesman." But they gave that to
your not-so-evil fraternal twin, Gateau. I told ya, man. That was a good shot,
right there.
Geo: This tripe stinks worse
than day old toad-in-the-hole. Sailor Ghost? (snaps fingers. Sailor Ghost
rips up his contract) C'mon. We'll go get some lattes and look through the
latest issue of Variety.
Lantis: @.@ That's it. I need a
drink. No....I need a cigarette...I need something...
Tarta & Tatra: DRUGS ARE BAD!!!
Lantis: (strangles them both)
::cut to a posh meeting room
in a lavish network studio::
ViridianCat: (grins sheepishly)
well...as you can see...we're still in the...ummm....fetal stage....
Debonair: I've been a network
executive for 20 years, and never in my life have I seen something so banal and
ridiculous.
Nova: I KNOW WHAT'S IN HIKARU'S
HEART!!!! HIKARU HATES THIS SHOW, SO I LOVE IT!!!!!!! MORE MORE MORE!!!!!
Innouva: Well I can't say anything
for the casting, but I thought the British guy was quite talented. Haven't I
seen him somewhere before?
ViridianCat: Well, he was the voice of
God in Monty Python and the Holy Grail...And he's working on something
now called James Bond or something....I dunno.
Debonair: I've seen enough. I'm
sorry, Miss ViridianCat, but We're going to have to turn your offer down.
Innouva, dear daughter Nova - come. (exeunt)
ViridianCat: NOOOO!!! I POURED MY HEART
AND SOUL INTO THIS PROJECT!!!!
FOX executive: (coming out of the
woodwork) Sorry, but I couldn't help but see part of your brilliant
children's program while...scrounging for donuts...I'm prepared to offer you a
hefty sum if you let us air your program.
ViridianCat: SOLD!! (grins evilly and
shakes the network exec's hand) Y'know..this is the beginning of a
beeeeaaaaaauuutiful friendship! Platonic, of course! (winks at Ascot)
fin
