The Omake Singing Fiasco
An Omake Theatre songfic by
Calger459 and Ranma1517730129
Okay, the inspiration for this one came while we were gardening in Ranma-chan's front yard. Funny, you never know when the muse will strike...we were talking about the newest stories on Fanfiction.net when suddenly Ranma got this glow in her eyes and said "The Lumberjack song!" of course referring to the classic Monty Python tune. We thought about Kenshin wanting to be a farmer in the OAV and realized the song fit Kenshin perfectly ^_^
Standard Disclaimer: We don't own Rurouni Kenshin (though we wish we did, of course) and we didn't create the Monty Python Lumberjack song (we're just not cool like that) so please don't sue! We're just a couple of monetarily challenged fangirls who like wordplay. Enjoy!
The Kenshin men (plus Kaoru of course) assemble in the bamboo grove near the dojo (you know, the one from the manga ;). The Kenshin-gumi members (Kenshin, Sano, and Yahiko) are happy to be here, but the others follow with varying degrees of complaint: the ever-smoking Saitou Hajime, the stone-faced Shinomori Aoshi, broom-headed Chou, super-shishou Hiko Sejirou and resident psychopath Yukshiro Enishi.
Saitou is the first to speak. "Why did you call us here, Battousai?"
Kenshin blinks innocently. "Who said this was my idea?"
"Yeah," says Chou, "one of those beautiful fanfic writers was about to get me laid too. Of all the interruptions-"
"Yeah right!" Sano snorts. "No one would ever write a fanfic about you! Why are you here anyway? I thought Kenshin kicked your ass volumes ago!"
Chou glares right back. "You didn't beat him either, as I recall."
"That was different!"
"Oh really?"
"Ahou ga, shut up already!" Saitou stubs out his cigarette and promptly lights another one. "What is the purpose of this argument? Neither of you is worthy to be Battousai's adversary. It's a moot point."
Kaoru glares at the cigarette and grumbles, "You're lucky you're ink and paint Saitou, otherwise you'd have sprouted a tumor by now. The Surgeon General says right on the package-"
Saitou, equipped with perfect hearing, lifts a skeptical eyebrow. "There's no Surgeon General in Japan, ahou-"
"Watch it," Kenshin warns, eyes glinting amber for a second.
Kenshin then unsheathes his sword and, to the astonishment of the gathered crowd (and to the delight of Yahiko, who pulls out a pencil and paper and starts making notes), starts performing the basic Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu kata.
"Hey," Sano remarks in surprise, "he never practices!"
Hiko rolls his eyes. "That's some pretty poor form Baka Deshi. I know I taught you better than that!" He joins his student in kata and starts making corrections immediately.
Kenshin sweatdrops. "Shishou! Not in front the guys! I'm supposed to be perfect!"
"Right...so Kenshin...What's all this about." Kaoru turns happy eyes on his muscles, not really caring one way or another as long as he continues exactly what he is doing.
"I was just getting to that Kaoru-dono."
"Are you STILL calling her that?" Enishi looks pityingly at Kenshin.
"That's ENOUGH!" Calger and Ranma walk up.
"Okay men folk, stand in two lines. Tallest ones in back." Ranma smiles at all the beautiful men.
"Hey," Calger muses, "I know this is really weird to bring up right now, but Aoshi didn't say anything that whole time."
Ranma shrugs. "So what else is new? He never speaks unless spoken to anyway."
Aoshi raises an eyebrow and just shrugs, saying nothing as usual.
The men attempt to line up in front of the bamboo stalks and the arguing resumes.
Chou tries to get in front of Sano and gets a hand squishing his hair down. "Hey, I can't see over your damn hair, Chou!"
Chou whips out his swords and makes for Sano's neck. "Let's get one thing straight Zanza-boy, NO TOUCHING THE HAIR!"
Sano neatly dodges with hands raised. "Whoa, okay already! Jeez."
Ranma and Calger stare at all the ridiculously tall men (minus Chou whose height is mostly hair) and the one short ten-year-old making up the group. "Uhh...how are we going to do this?"
"You mean without a battle erupting?"
"Yeah. Testosterone's a scary thing."
"Men and their height complexes."
"AHEM," Yahiko says loudly, "we are listening to this, you know."
Ranma sighs. "Okay then, Sano, you're in back. Chou, you kneel in front."
"Prostrate in front of this Chicken-head?! Never!"
Calger impatiently waves her magic fanfic wand (courtesy of Miyu Sakura) and Chou obediently kneels. "That's better."
Ranma smiles. "Okay, Aoshi, and Saitou, you stand next to Sano. Enishi, you kneel in front of Saitou. Hiko and Yahiko, you're together over here-" Ranma waves directions with her hands. The men obey, but only because of the omniscience of fanfic writers. There is much grumbling all around.
Yahiko is the only one who looks pleased; he gazes adoringly up at his idol's Shishou. "Y-you're great!"
"Yeah kid, I know."
"Oh yeah, wear these." Ranma throws tattered farmer clothes at all the men.
"I had to wear this damn thing last week!" Hiko snarls.
"Yep and yer' gonna' wear it again by golly." Ranma smiles evilly.
"This is really ugly." Yahiko stares down at the falling-apart costume.
"Sorry, they're rentals," Calger says apologetically.
Saitou's eyes are dangerous. Aku Soku Zan doesn't seem too far off. "WHY are we wearing these...things?"
Ranma winks. "You'll see in a moment."
Kenshin meanwhile has moved on to advanced kata. Kaoru is drooling slightly.
"Do I have to wear a costume too de gozaru?" Kenshin eyes the moth eaten fabric and tries to imagine keeping Kaoru off him.
"Nope you're dressed just the way we like you." The fanfic writers gazed conspiratorially back and forth at each other. "Ohhhhh wait....BLUE!"
Calger waves her fanfic wand and the pink gi turns a handsome midnight blue. "Much better."
"Kawai." Kaoru smiles in approval.
"We couldn't agree more." Three girls giggle happily.
"Kaoru. Here ya' go." Ranma hands her what looks to be the Swiss Miss outfit.
"Ummm....We're in Japan Ranma-chan." Calger informs her friend.
"Yeah, I know but it's the best I could do on such short notice."
The two fanfic writers eye the setup critically and try to forget how foolhardy their situation is: the best bishonen fighters in Japan, most of whom hate each others' guts, dressed in tattered farmer's clothes and growing more impatient with each passing moment. "I think we'd better get on with this," Calger says nervously.
"You ready, Kenshin-sama?"
The rurouni pauses mid-swing and looks confused for a moment. "You didn't actually explain why we were all here, Ranma-dono."
"Oh it's simple, really. We just need you to sing."
A look of horror spreads across the Rurouni's face.
"NO," Sano yells, "Not the sake song! Anything but that!"
"I like that song," Hiko mutters defensively.
Memories of a certain circus episode surface in Kenshin's mind and he looks faintly green. "S-sing de gozaru ka? Is that really necessary?"
"Kenshin, start your kata."
"Calger, cue the music please."
"Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Dou Ryuu Sen. Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Rui Tsui Sen...Oh forget it. I didn't want to be a master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu. I wanted to be...A FARMER!"
Under coaxing from Calger's fanfic wand the men assembled in back start up a chorus: "Da Da Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum..."
"Leaping from garden to garden as I plant out the crops of Northern Honshuu!
The mighty daikon radish, the leek, the flowering eggplant of Hokkaido!
With my best landlady by my side..."
Kenshin reaches to the side and pulls a furiously blushing Kaoru next to him, dressed in the very revealing Swiss Miss outfit. Some of the men in back falter in their singing and get nosebleeds
"We'd sing! Sing! SING!"
I'm a farmer and I'm ok
I sleep all night and I work all day
Chorus
He's a farmer and he's ok
He sleeps all night and he works all day
"Umm you notice that lumberjack is three syllables. Farmer is two. I think we're pushing it," Calger whispers through the chorus.
"Yeah, but it's too late to change anything now," Ranma whispers back.
I hoe my fields
I cook my lunch ("And ours!" Yahiko yells from the back)
I do the white laundry!
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And eat tofu with my tea
Chorus
He hoes his fields
He cooks his lunch
He does the white laundry
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And eats tofu with his tea
Calger glances at Ranma. "Isn't kind of odd how all of Kenshin's laundry is white even though none of their clothes are? That's kinda creepy."
"Yeah...weird." Ranma replies in her best Kronk voice.
I hoe my fields
I gouge and chop
I like to dig with trowels
I put on girls' kimono
And hang around in bars
Chorus
He hoes his fields
He gouges and chops
He likes to dig with trowels
He puts on girls'...kimono?!
And hangs around in BARS?!
He's a farmer and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day
Kimono dress
Geta with heels
An obi and hair fobs
I wish I'd been a Jo-chan
Just my dear papa!
("HEY!" Hiko screams from the chorus)
Chorus
Kimono dress
Geta with heels?
An obi...and ha-
The whole chorus dissolves into chaos while Kaoru pulls back from Kenshin and says in despair, "Oh Kenshin, I thought you were so Bishounen!" Kaoru runs crying off stage, not to be seen for the rest of the fic. As she runs by in a blur of barely contained bouncing breasts and frilly white underwear Enishi promptly passes out in a spray of nose blood. The chorus abruptly snaps back into formation (through the help of a certain fanfic wand) and continues to sing:
He's a farmer and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Yahiko runs out of breath and joins Enishi in a passed-out body pile on the floor)
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
Epilogue:
"I think that went rather well don't you, Calger?"
"Mmmmmhmmmm....Juuuust greeeaat! Ranma, do you think they'll ever cut us down from here?"
The camera pans out to reveal the two fanfic writers trussed up and hanging upside-down from their feet.
"I hope so, Calger. I really hope so."
OWARI!
An Omake Theatre songfic by
Calger459 and Ranma1517730129
Okay, the inspiration for this one came while we were gardening in Ranma-chan's front yard. Funny, you never know when the muse will strike...we were talking about the newest stories on Fanfiction.net when suddenly Ranma got this glow in her eyes and said "The Lumberjack song!" of course referring to the classic Monty Python tune. We thought about Kenshin wanting to be a farmer in the OAV and realized the song fit Kenshin perfectly ^_^
Standard Disclaimer: We don't own Rurouni Kenshin (though we wish we did, of course) and we didn't create the Monty Python Lumberjack song (we're just not cool like that) so please don't sue! We're just a couple of monetarily challenged fangirls who like wordplay. Enjoy!
The Kenshin men (plus Kaoru of course) assemble in the bamboo grove near the dojo (you know, the one from the manga ;). The Kenshin-gumi members (Kenshin, Sano, and Yahiko) are happy to be here, but the others follow with varying degrees of complaint: the ever-smoking Saitou Hajime, the stone-faced Shinomori Aoshi, broom-headed Chou, super-shishou Hiko Sejirou and resident psychopath Yukshiro Enishi.
Saitou is the first to speak. "Why did you call us here, Battousai?"
Kenshin blinks innocently. "Who said this was my idea?"
"Yeah," says Chou, "one of those beautiful fanfic writers was about to get me laid too. Of all the interruptions-"
"Yeah right!" Sano snorts. "No one would ever write a fanfic about you! Why are you here anyway? I thought Kenshin kicked your ass volumes ago!"
Chou glares right back. "You didn't beat him either, as I recall."
"That was different!"
"Oh really?"
"Ahou ga, shut up already!" Saitou stubs out his cigarette and promptly lights another one. "What is the purpose of this argument? Neither of you is worthy to be Battousai's adversary. It's a moot point."
Kaoru glares at the cigarette and grumbles, "You're lucky you're ink and paint Saitou, otherwise you'd have sprouted a tumor by now. The Surgeon General says right on the package-"
Saitou, equipped with perfect hearing, lifts a skeptical eyebrow. "There's no Surgeon General in Japan, ahou-"
"Watch it," Kenshin warns, eyes glinting amber for a second.
Kenshin then unsheathes his sword and, to the astonishment of the gathered crowd (and to the delight of Yahiko, who pulls out a pencil and paper and starts making notes), starts performing the basic Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu kata.
"Hey," Sano remarks in surprise, "he never practices!"
Hiko rolls his eyes. "That's some pretty poor form Baka Deshi. I know I taught you better than that!" He joins his student in kata and starts making corrections immediately.
Kenshin sweatdrops. "Shishou! Not in front the guys! I'm supposed to be perfect!"
"Right...so Kenshin...What's all this about." Kaoru turns happy eyes on his muscles, not really caring one way or another as long as he continues exactly what he is doing.
"I was just getting to that Kaoru-dono."
"Are you STILL calling her that?" Enishi looks pityingly at Kenshin.
"That's ENOUGH!" Calger and Ranma walk up.
"Okay men folk, stand in two lines. Tallest ones in back." Ranma smiles at all the beautiful men.
"Hey," Calger muses, "I know this is really weird to bring up right now, but Aoshi didn't say anything that whole time."
Ranma shrugs. "So what else is new? He never speaks unless spoken to anyway."
Aoshi raises an eyebrow and just shrugs, saying nothing as usual.
The men attempt to line up in front of the bamboo stalks and the arguing resumes.
Chou tries to get in front of Sano and gets a hand squishing his hair down. "Hey, I can't see over your damn hair, Chou!"
Chou whips out his swords and makes for Sano's neck. "Let's get one thing straight Zanza-boy, NO TOUCHING THE HAIR!"
Sano neatly dodges with hands raised. "Whoa, okay already! Jeez."
Ranma and Calger stare at all the ridiculously tall men (minus Chou whose height is mostly hair) and the one short ten-year-old making up the group. "Uhh...how are we going to do this?"
"You mean without a battle erupting?"
"Yeah. Testosterone's a scary thing."
"Men and their height complexes."
"AHEM," Yahiko says loudly, "we are listening to this, you know."
Ranma sighs. "Okay then, Sano, you're in back. Chou, you kneel in front."
"Prostrate in front of this Chicken-head?! Never!"
Calger impatiently waves her magic fanfic wand (courtesy of Miyu Sakura) and Chou obediently kneels. "That's better."
Ranma smiles. "Okay, Aoshi, and Saitou, you stand next to Sano. Enishi, you kneel in front of Saitou. Hiko and Yahiko, you're together over here-" Ranma waves directions with her hands. The men obey, but only because of the omniscience of fanfic writers. There is much grumbling all around.
Yahiko is the only one who looks pleased; he gazes adoringly up at his idol's Shishou. "Y-you're great!"
"Yeah kid, I know."
"Oh yeah, wear these." Ranma throws tattered farmer clothes at all the men.
"I had to wear this damn thing last week!" Hiko snarls.
"Yep and yer' gonna' wear it again by golly." Ranma smiles evilly.
"This is really ugly." Yahiko stares down at the falling-apart costume.
"Sorry, they're rentals," Calger says apologetically.
Saitou's eyes are dangerous. Aku Soku Zan doesn't seem too far off. "WHY are we wearing these...things?"
Ranma winks. "You'll see in a moment."
Kenshin meanwhile has moved on to advanced kata. Kaoru is drooling slightly.
"Do I have to wear a costume too de gozaru?" Kenshin eyes the moth eaten fabric and tries to imagine keeping Kaoru off him.
"Nope you're dressed just the way we like you." The fanfic writers gazed conspiratorially back and forth at each other. "Ohhhhh wait....BLUE!"
Calger waves her fanfic wand and the pink gi turns a handsome midnight blue. "Much better."
"Kawai." Kaoru smiles in approval.
"We couldn't agree more." Three girls giggle happily.
"Kaoru. Here ya' go." Ranma hands her what looks to be the Swiss Miss outfit.
"Ummm....We're in Japan Ranma-chan." Calger informs her friend.
"Yeah, I know but it's the best I could do on such short notice."
The two fanfic writers eye the setup critically and try to forget how foolhardy their situation is: the best bishonen fighters in Japan, most of whom hate each others' guts, dressed in tattered farmer's clothes and growing more impatient with each passing moment. "I think we'd better get on with this," Calger says nervously.
"You ready, Kenshin-sama?"
The rurouni pauses mid-swing and looks confused for a moment. "You didn't actually explain why we were all here, Ranma-dono."
"Oh it's simple, really. We just need you to sing."
A look of horror spreads across the Rurouni's face.
"NO," Sano yells, "Not the sake song! Anything but that!"
"I like that song," Hiko mutters defensively.
Memories of a certain circus episode surface in Kenshin's mind and he looks faintly green. "S-sing de gozaru ka? Is that really necessary?"
"Kenshin, start your kata."
"Calger, cue the music please."
"Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Dou Ryuu Sen. Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Rui Tsui Sen...Oh forget it. I didn't want to be a master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu. I wanted to be...A FARMER!"
Under coaxing from Calger's fanfic wand the men assembled in back start up a chorus: "Da Da Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum..."
"Leaping from garden to garden as I plant out the crops of Northern Honshuu!
The mighty daikon radish, the leek, the flowering eggplant of Hokkaido!
With my best landlady by my side..."
Kenshin reaches to the side and pulls a furiously blushing Kaoru next to him, dressed in the very revealing Swiss Miss outfit. Some of the men in back falter in their singing and get nosebleeds
"We'd sing! Sing! SING!"
I'm a farmer and I'm ok
I sleep all night and I work all day
Chorus
He's a farmer and he's ok
He sleeps all night and he works all day
"Umm you notice that lumberjack is three syllables. Farmer is two. I think we're pushing it," Calger whispers through the chorus.
"Yeah, but it's too late to change anything now," Ranma whispers back.
I hoe my fields
I cook my lunch ("And ours!" Yahiko yells from the back)
I do the white laundry!
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And eat tofu with my tea
Chorus
He hoes his fields
He cooks his lunch
He does the white laundry
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And eats tofu with his tea
Calger glances at Ranma. "Isn't kind of odd how all of Kenshin's laundry is white even though none of their clothes are? That's kinda creepy."
"Yeah...weird." Ranma replies in her best Kronk voice.
I hoe my fields
I gouge and chop
I like to dig with trowels
I put on girls' kimono
And hang around in bars
Chorus
He hoes his fields
He gouges and chops
He likes to dig with trowels
He puts on girls'...kimono?!
And hangs around in BARS?!
He's a farmer and he's okay
He sleeps all night and he works all day
Kimono dress
Geta with heels
An obi and hair fobs
I wish I'd been a Jo-chan
Just my dear papa!
("HEY!" Hiko screams from the chorus)
Chorus
Kimono dress
Geta with heels?
An obi...and ha-
The whole chorus dissolves into chaos while Kaoru pulls back from Kenshin and says in despair, "Oh Kenshin, I thought you were so Bishounen!" Kaoru runs crying off stage, not to be seen for the rest of the fic. As she runs by in a blur of barely contained bouncing breasts and frilly white underwear Enishi promptly passes out in a spray of nose blood. The chorus abruptly snaps back into formation (through the help of a certain fanfic wand) and continues to sing:
He's a farmer and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
(Yahiko runs out of breath and joins Enishi in a passed-out body pile on the floor)
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
Epilogue:
"I think that went rather well don't you, Calger?"
"Mmmmmhmmmm....Juuuust greeeaat! Ranma, do you think they'll ever cut us down from here?"
The camera pans out to reveal the two fanfic writers trussed up and hanging upside-down from their feet.
"I hope so, Calger. I really hope so."
OWARI!