Scream Introducing FFVII
Chapter 1:
"Hey Cloud, toss me some of that authentic chinese sauce!" came Sephiroth's voice. "Hurry it up would you? The Midgarians are taking on Wutai!"
Cloud, Sephiroth, and Reno were gathered at Yuffie's house. Her dad was out of town. He had to go speak at a Peace Conference in Polaris (one of the many towns you never heard of on FFVII). Rude was Yuffie's boyfriend. They hooked up after Cloud gave Sephiroth that nasty gash through his stomach. Since then, Yuffie has been acting awfully strange, like she's a mother or something.
"Cloud!" Sephiroth yelled. "The game's starting! Hurry it up! Gimme' some of that sauce. I want it now!"
Cloud came stumbling out of the double doors to the kitchen, with the sauce in one arm, and the pork rines in the other.
"Oh yeah..., pork rines," Sephiroth sighed. He sniffed the bag. "Ahhh...have you ever smelt such a delicasy?"
Cloud shook his head. "Sephiroth, you know how many grams of fat are contained in those pork rines?"
"No, and I don't want to," Sephiroth said, gobbling a handfull of pork rines in his mouth. He opened his mouth wide for Cloud to see. It was all in there. It looked like tuna fish cassoral with pepper sauce sprinkled on it, being chewed right there in his face.
"Eww! Gross, close it!" Cloud shouted.
"Mmm---smell---that pork!" Sephiroth said between chews.
Cloud edged away from Sephiroth. "Yuffie! Sephiroth is doing that thing again!"
Yuffie came into the room. "Hello boys! Are you two fighting again?"
Cloud shook his head in dismay. She's been acting oddly ever since she started dating Reno. What ever happened to the old Yuffie? The one who used to steal and argue and beat up Barret? What ever happened to her?
Reno entered the room and wrapped an arm around Yuffie. "Are you boys arguing again?! Tsk, tsk. When will you youngsters learn."
Youngsters? Cloud thought. He's dating a sixteen-year old, yet he's calling us youngsters. That guy is such an asshole. He makes me want to puke.
"Now, now, you boys sit down on the couch," Yuffie motioned. "The game is about to start."
"We know that! So shut the-"
"Now, now, Mr.Sephiroth. There's no need for language," Reno said smiling. "Let's all try to get along tonight. Alrighty then?"
Sephiroth stared at him for a minute, frowned, then said, "As I was saying, shut the fuck up."
The four sat on the couch and watched the game. Wutai was in the lead with three points. Sephiroth was pigging out on chinese sauce and buffalo wings (yes, there are wings in FFVII, another of the many things that they left out). Cloud was a bit uncomfortable because there was a carnivore next to him and a gross, lovey-dovey couple next to him, so he sort of felt in the middle (Cloud is a vegetarian by the way, you didn't know that, but think of it, how the hell could he get those bulging muscles?). Yuffie and Reno were cuddling up on the armchair, not at all interested in the game, just in each other.
Just then one of the Midgarians was stuck in between taking his chances scoring a touchdown, or handing it off to one of the other players behind him. He took the chance, but forgot that his shoelace was untied, bent down to re-tie it, when the Wutais stole back the ball from him. He was only two inches away from scoring a touchdown.
"WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! YOU DAMN LUNATIC! WHY THE HELL'D YOU DO THAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Sephiroth yelled at the tv screen.
"That was wrong!" said Cloud in a sad tone. "He was only two inches from making the point, but he had to tie his shoe! Loser."
"YOU FREAK! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! DAMMIT"
Yuffie looked up. "What happened?"
Sephiroth shook his head. "This is something Wutai is gonna regret! We'll get them back! We'll get em' back!"
Yuffie looked from Sephiroth, to the tv screen, then back again. "Did Wutai win?"
Sephiroth gave Yuffie a look. "No! Wutai did not win. Wutai will not win. Midgarians will win. Wutai is going down. Don't you pay attention?!"
Cloud rolled his eyes. "One of the Midgarians had a chance to score a point, but he stopped to tie his shoes, and then from there..."
Sephiroth banged his head on the coffee table. "It's just....not....FAIR!"
Cloud put a hand on Sephiroth. "There, there."
Sephiroth looked away. "I...I need to be alone with my emotional needs."
Cloud nodded. "It's okay Sephiroth. I understand. You need to be alone with your emotional needs. Perfectly logical explaination."
Sephiroth looked up and frowned. "I just said that deadwit."
The game continued on for several hours. Sephiroth had his emotional times, as did Cloud; but Yuffie and Reno just couldn't keep their eyes--and hands--off each other. The game finally ended; the pork rines were all gone; the beer bottles were empty; the authentic chinese sauce was pretty much licked up; and as for the game; Wutai won, 18-2.
Sephiroth lowered his head. "*sniff* It's so unfair! I...I...I *sniff* I need to lie down. I...I...I need to, *sniff* go. I need to get away."
"Sephiroth, buddy," Cloud said in a cheerful tone. "You're sister, is she uh...at home right now?"
Sephiroth shook his head nervously. "Uh, no. She uh, went somewhere."
Cloud looked confused. "Where'd she go?"
Sephiroth shrugged. "I don't know."
Cloud nodded. "I can't believe you two are related. That's so freaky."
"Yeah well, we are both, after all the last two remaining cetras," Sephiroth said. "Dude, when I killed her, I didn't know I was killing my sister."
"Well...you gotta admitt, you both bare an uncanny resemblance," Cloud told him. "I mean, you both have those strange green glowing eyes. You both have the hair. I mean you're hair kinda sticks up in the front, and her hair does too. Plus, you're dad was Aeris's dad. Jenova was Aeris's mother's sister. I mean, when I found out, I was like---whoa! My arch-enemy is my sort-of-girlfriend's brother."
Sephiroth grinned. "Whose your other sort-of-girlfriend?"
Cloud grinned back. "Tifa! She became a reporter. I mean, she still owns her 7th Heaven bar. By the way have you ever seen the tv show?"
Sephiroth sighed. "Tifa Lockheart. I wonder, if I paid her, would she go out with me? I'd pay her an extra thousand if she'd let me...hehe, y'know.."
Cloud shrugged. "Yeah, I'm sure."
Cloud and Sephiroth didn't even bother to say good-bye to Yuffie and Reno. They were too "in the mood", so Cloud and Sephiroth just headed outside, they were staying at the hotel anyways.
"Well, I think Tifa is doing a fabulous job as a news reporter," Cloud said. "I never knew she was interested in journalism and that sort of stuff. When she came up to me with the news, I was shocked, I was beyond shocked, I was.... mortified. I would have thought she would become a proffesional piano player or something. I never would have figured her the type to report gossip and stuff."
Sephiroth frowned. "What do you mean by that? Are you saying she's not good enough for the job. Dude I'm sick of this!"
Cloud looked confused. "Sick of what?"
Sephiroth through his hands up in the air. "Of you! And your little I'm-too-good-for-you attitude."
"Attitude?! What attitude?!"
"You've got Tifa wrapped in one arm, and my sister wrapped in the other! You've got both of them and you couldn't give a shit about sharing the wealth!"
"Sharing the wealth?" Cloud asked. "What wealth?"
Sephiroth clenched his fists. "Girls man! Girls!"
Cloud gave Sephiroth a look. "Look if you want me to stay away from your sister, I'll do it."
Sephiroth shook his head. "No man, that's not it. I mean, ugh. Did you see Yuffie and Reno? Snuggling and smooching and acting all cuddly wuddly? You have got two, not just one, but two girls to do that with. Just stay away from my sister."
Cloud shook his head. "I get it. You want me to stay away from Aeris and Tifa? Right? You're saying I've got an attitude? You're the one acting all stuck-up and jealous! I'll stay away from from your sister, but I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me." Cloud gave Sephiroth a hard glare and walked away.
Sephiroth sighed. "What a poser! He stole that line from 10 Things I Hate About You." Sephiroth walked into the hotel. Cloud went in the other direction towards the temple; he didn't want to share a room with Sephiroth, not after this incident. If Sephiroth wants me to stay away from girls, then he'll get his wish, but really, no one can stay away from me.