Disclaimer: After my little episode with Squaresoft, I've decided to concede that the Secret of Mana is officially theirs and to leave them alone for a while. *towards the back* Hey Dilandau! Prep the Alseides! I've got a mission for you....
Notes: First of all, much thanks to Jonatan L, but I'm trying to keep a low profile at the moment. However, if the need arises, I'll take you up on your offer. Secondly...well, I finally convinced myself to change the rating on this story, but it's taking an unusually long time for fanfiction.net to publicly change it. Oh well, one more button to click for you. Thirdly... oh, just read.
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{Two hours later, after collecting the hoard of gp}
Randi: *reads sign* Potos, Water Palace, Pandora...but no Gaia's Navel....Mmmm. (I'll simply follow the obvious, wide open path.) *kills the stray Lullabud in his path, collects the gp, and encounters another sign* *reads:
Now entering the National Goblin Reservation. Fraudulent goblins and trespassers shall be tried in a court of law. Justice shall be served.* (Well how else am I supposed to get through? Besides, if Jema could get through with no problem...) *takes a step forward*
{Randi immediately becomes affronted by two Goblins that popped out of the bushes with amazing speed. They wield axes as clubs, tapping the backsides of the weapons against their gigantic palms.}
Goblin #1: *grunting* Trespasser.
Goblin#2: *nod*
Randi: Huh? But I didn't even pass the sign!
Goblin #2: *stepping on Randi's foot to keep him from retracting it behind the boundary line of the Goblin Reservation* Trespasser.
Goblin #1: *nod*
Randi: *pulling at his own leg in an attempt to free his foot*
Goblin #1 &Goblin #2: *club Randi on the head*
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Randi: *sweaty and hot* *In a southern gent accent* Mmmm... why I thank ye Ms. Catwoman *picturing a sexy woman with ears and a tail* I do enjoy my baths....
Unidentified voice: *chortle* Well, then enjoy it a lot, 'cause it's certain to be your last.
Randi: *eyes popping open* (!!!) *sees a dark surrounding with the exception of a large, circular opening through which he can see the sky* What? Who are you? Where am I? Where are you?
Unidentified voice: Don't you remember? I am one of the enforcement officers of the Goblin Reservation who arrested you. You're in our finest, largest cauldron. I'm standing guard.
Randi: Ohhhh, I see. *pause* No, wait, I don't. Why am I in a cauldron? Why am I in your cauldron?
Goblin #1: Justice will be served.
Randi: ...What?
Goblin #1: *laughing his ass off* Get it? Justice will be served. You will be served. *another round of laughter* I am so good.
Randi: What? *realization sinks in, yells at the cauldron wall* WHAT?!
Goblin #2: Oi. Don't you humans understand anything? You'd think you where wearing dorky head masks that impaired your thinking skills. I said-
Randi: I thought I had the right to a fair trial in a court of law!
Goblin #2: You did have a trial. You were just unconscious. We helped you up onto the witness seat, we asked you if you'd been trespassing, and you hung your head in shame.
Randi: *thunked his head against the side of the cauldron in frustration, but stopped when the burning sensation registered in his brain* I was asleep! Asleep. As in sleeping. As in unconscious and not in control of my body. I was hanging my head in sleep, not shame! It's not fair!
Goblin #1: Who said anything about fair? You're dreaming Mr. Human. Did you even read the sign? It said absolutely nothing about being fair.
Randi: Of course I read the sign! There had to be something about 'fair' in there. I can read. Pfht. I am not stupid. *makes to punch at the Goblin through the cauldron* *yelps when hand is singed*
Goblin #2: Either way, we're eating you. Incoming of fresh Rabite carcasses!
Randi: *hit by a barrage of Rabite carcasses* Ewwwww... *spots a few pieces of unclaimed gp and confiscates it for his own use*
Goblin #2: Try not to urinate so much, okay? There's only so much of that taste Chief likes in his food.
Randi: You know what I think? I think you guys are bluffing. If you were serious, you would have cut me into pieces with your axes, and then you would have thrown me into here. Plus, I still have my sword. So, joke's over. I've learned my lesson. You can let me go now.
Goblin #1: *snort* Yeah, as if you could hurt us. *to other Goblin* But...you know, maybe we should have chopped him into pieces... It would keep him from urinating too much. Dead things can't pee.
Randi: (Whoops)
Goblin #2: Who's the chef here, me or you?
Goblin #1: *grumble*
Randi: (Whew)
Goblin #2: *justified* That's what I thought. I know how Chief wants his food. He likes the skin so warm that it peels right off. And you know he's getting old. Personally, I think he prefers his food more whole these days because he likes to pretend he killed the thing himself.
Randi: (Um....)
Goblin #1: Yeah, I guess you're right. Hey, the totem pole dance is starting! Let's go!
Goblin #2: I can't leave the food!
Goblin #1: Yes, you can. It's not as if it's going anywhere.
Goblin #2: *sigh* Fine.
Randi: (Well, there's no way I'm dying without a fight!) *tries to propel himself out of the stew*
Just... a little...farther.... *can't quite reach the rim of the cauldron* Geez, this is a lousy way to die. I can't die this way! I am THE-
Covert Voice: *harsh, loud whisper* Psst! Grab my hand!
Randi: *looks up to see a slender human hand – a hand that belongs to someone standing outside of the cauldron- straining towards him* *grabs the hand and is immediately flung from the cauldron to land head-first onto a patch of grass 20 feet from the Goblin's cooking area* Ohhh, my head.
Girl: Oh, my love! I didn't hurt you, did I? *pounces onto Randi and starts showering his face with kisses* My beloved! *kiss* I thought I'd lost you! *kiss* You idiot! Of all things *kiss* you *kiss* had to go and get yourself captured by Goblins! *pinch* Baka! *kiss on the lips*
Randi: (I have absolutely no idea what's happening, but-) *French kisses the girl back*
Girl: *gasps and shoves Randi onto his back* You... You're not Dyluck!
{Randi slowly opens his eyes to see a beautiful orange/ blond-haired blue-eyed girl, probably about his age, standing over him. She wears a full suit: an elegant sleeveless pink shirt and matching baggy pants. Each wrist is adorned with an identical flat green bracelet, she wears shoes of the same shade of aqua-green, and atop her pony-tailed hair is a tiny cone-shaped hat to match. He has never seen anyone with such a pissed expression, including the Elder.}
Girl in Pink: You kissed me and you're not Dyluck! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Yuck! *spits profusely in an attempt to purge the kiss from her mouth*
Randi: *starts to get up* * a bit dazed but knows what his male self wants* Well, no, I'm not Dyluck. But I really don't mind you kissing me. No need to apologize, babe.
Girl in Pink: What? How infuriating! That's it! I'm throwing you back into the pot! *starts dragging Randi by his arm*
Randi: Huh? No, wait! If you drag me back they'll get you, too!
Girl in Pink: *still dragging, not deigning to look at Randi* And why do you think that? I saved you without being detected, didn't I?
Randi: I'll scream.
Girl in Pink:*stops dragging and glares at Randi* Baka. *drops his arm and makes her way into the woods*
Randi: *gets up and hurriedly follows* Hey! Wait up!
Girl in Pink: *walking without stopping* Look, just leave me alone, okay? I can't stand perverts!
Randi: *a few steps behind* Hey! C'mon, it wasn't my fault! You initiated it!
Girl in Pink: *still walking* Hah! I thought you were someone else.
Randi: But Dyluck has blond hair! That was a pretty stupid mistake. Are you sure you're not delusional?
Girl in Pink: *pauses and looks at Randi hard* You know Dyluck?
Randi: Yeah. I talked to him just before he left for a witch hunt. *thinking* Or was it a werewolf hunt? *shrugs* I not sure. I think I was high on something at the time.
Girl in Pink: Oh, my gosh! They sent him after Elinese? Shit! *starts walking again, faster this time*
Randi: What? Hold it! What are you talking about? *clamps a hand on her shoulder*
Girl in Pink: Get your hand off of me, perv! *flings off his hand and resumes her pace*
Randi: As I already said, you started it.
Girl in Pink: And as I already said, it was just a horrible, disgusting mistake. So what, do you just kiss any girl?
Randi: *reached her side, matching her pace* *quickly* Yes. Uh *trying to mend his speech*, I mean-
Girl in Pink: *rolling eyes*
Randi: not every girl. Just the sexy ones.
Girl in Pink: Grrrrrrrrrrr! Get over it!
Randi: *realizes they have reached the spot where he had been arrested* *pulls on the girl's hand to stop her* *low* Did I ever tell you what a great kisser you are? *lowers head to kiss her*
Girl in Pink: Oh puh-lease! You've even got Goblin stew all over you. *yanks his arm and flips him into the river* Go take a bath! Pervert!
Randi: *clamoring towards the surface of the water* *sputtering, looks around and doesn't see the Girl in Pink anywhere* (...she's gone. And she was such a babe....) *clumsily raising a fist in frustration, shouting* I AM NOT A PERVERT!
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Sayermyst: So much fun! Hehe! I mean, really, Squaresoft jipped us all on the relationships aspect of the story. Look at me; I'm providing a social service! Woo-hoo!