Disclaimer:
Sayermyst: *sigh* The Secret of Mana is still Squaresoft's. Just because somebody had to go insane in the middle of a mission!
Dilandau: Muero! MUERO!
Sayermyst: Gaaaaa! Bad Dilandau! Flame throwers are NOT to be played with inside. Go practice outside. Van! VAN!
Van: What?
Sayermyst: I've decided to use a more... um...inconspicuous approach to my problem. You have wings. You can pull off a covert operation, right?
Van: *sweatdrop* Um....
Sayermyst: Good.
Notes: It keeps getting weirder and weirder! What was I thinking! ...Oh, wait; I guess I wasn't. If you want to know, at the time of writing this chapter I was running on quite a significant amount of hot raspberry-chocolate coca! Yum! I did, however, manage to do justice to many of the less noticeable characters, I'm sure....
{At the gates of Pandora}
Randi: *cupping hands around his mouth* Heeeeeeelllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Guard: *from the watch tower* Who goes there? *spots Randi* Gee gades, man! It's almost night! You'd better get somewhere safe.
Randi: Um...yeah. *shouting* So could you let me in?
Guard: ... *rushes to ground level and opens the eye-slot of the gate* Sorry sir, but access is strictly prohibited. You need a Class Hero ID with your portrait and your birth certificate.
Randi: But, *whiny* I don't want to stay out here all alone! The Rabites will eat me! * end whiny* Besides, *lifting eyebrows* a Mana Knight doesn't need an ID, does he?
Guard: No, I'm sure a Mana Knight wouldn't. I'm also pretty sure any true Man of Anything wouldn't be afraid of Rabites eating him in his sleep. Now, do you have an ID or not?
Randi: *haughtily tossing his head* Can't you just tell I'm the Mana Knight? Seriously, *pulls out the Mana Sword* I even have the Mana Sword.
Guard: *glances down at the extremely rusty sword* Yeah, uh-huh. Are you blind, kid? That sword's so ugly-
*The sword glows and zaps the wooden door, splintering it into a million shards. The smoke dissipates to reveal... yet another door, behind which the guard is still safely standing.*
Randi: *lowering his arm which he had used to protect his face* *sees the guard's eyes narrowing at him through the slot* Well, I tried to tell you. Now c'mon, let me in!
Guard: *derisive laugh* Hah! A simple magic trick! Who do you think I am? The epitome of Gullible? I'm a soldier, remember? I've seen tons of swords like that!
*sword glows again*
Guard: *glares warningly at the sword* I wouldn't do that again if I were you. This gate is reinforced with the spell Wall, so if you zap it, the bolt will bounce right of and fry you. *looks at Randi* And you.
*sword stops glowing*
Randi: ... I'll pay you.
Guard: Deal. *opens the gate slowly as Randi places 50gp (he could afford to be generous) in his hand* *grumbles* If you want to become a zombie, that's none of my business....
Randi: What?
Guard: *counting the bribery gp* Huh? Oh, nothing. Just be on your guard. There's a lot of corruption going on in this kingdom, believe you me.
Randi: Oh, okay.
*The Mana Sword zaps the guard on the butt. The guard screams and drops the gp, running in circles like a chicken with it's head chopped off and making enough racket to wake the dead* (Sayermyst: It's just an expression. If his noise could really wake the dead, there wouldn't be zombie people anymore, now would there?)
Randi: *sweatdrops* Naughty Mana Sword! Naughty! Even though that was funny....*sheaths the Mana Sword* (Huh? None of that noise attracted any attention?) *pauses for a moment to observe the eerie silence* O-kay. This is really creepy. *sees a man repeatedly walking into the wall of a building* Um...sir? *tapping on shoulder* Sir? SIR? Hello? What's going on in this kingdom?
Random Pandora Citizen #1: *without acknowledging Randi's presence* ..........
Randi: Geez...you don't have to give me a cold shoulder just because I'm an outsider. If you want me to leave you alone, just say so.
Random Pandora Citizen #1: .........
Randi: *being smart-assed* Ohhh, so you don't want me to leave you alone, do you?
Random Pandora Citizen #1:........
Randi: You know, you could get rid of me very easily if you just gave me a little bit of information.
Random Pandora Citizen #1:.........
Randi: *turning away* Talk about an attitude problem. *grumbling* Rude bastard.... *walks into the local Inn*
Clerk: I'M GONNA DIE! I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY MIND! I DON'T WANNA BE A MINDLESS ZOMBIE! *flailing arms wildly and spinning in circles* STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU $#!&ING ZOMBIE SPIRITS! STAY AWAY!
Randi: *blink*
Clerk: *sees Randi* GET OUTTA HERE YOU FRIKIN' ZOMBIE!
Randi: I'm not a zombie!
Clerk: *stops yelling* Oh. You can still talk. *still waving arms wildly and twirling in a circle* Well, then, what do you want?
Randi: I was wondering if I may stay for the night. I am THE-
Clerk: Mana Knight? Oh, okay. Sure. Just go ahead and make yourself at home.
Randi: *starts walking towards a bed*
Clerk: *abruptly* NOT! Who the hell do you think I am? Mr. Nicey Nice? You gotta pay for the room.
Randi: But it's not even a room! It's a bed. You don't even have a bathroom! I'll have to pee behind a bush tomorrow morning!
Clerk: Well, gee, I'm so sorry we live in a medieval society. Are you paying or not? My neck is aching from having to twist it to see you while chasing away the zombie spirits.
Randi: *sigh* How much?
Clerk: *eyeing the bulging pouch* ...70gp.
Randi: *pulls out the gp* Hey, wait a minute.... That sign says it's only 10gp!
Clerk: ...No, it doesn't. You're a peasant. You don't know how to read.
Randi: Yes, I do. And that sign says in big, bold letters that the cost is only 10gp!
Clerk: The cost is 70gp. Forget the sign. It's outdated.
Randi: Since when?
Clerk: Since a minute ago.
Randi: Hey!
Clerk: Look, I'm not the one who posted that sign in the first place. Squaresoft did. If I keep up that ridiculously low price, I'll be out of business and living on the grass before the month is over. Ever since the zombie thing settled over Pandora, no one has stayed here. Business isn't even a trickle, and I'm living hand to mouth! But did Squaresoft think about that? Noooooooo...of course not.
Randi: Yeesh. Okay, okay! I get the point! *places the coins on the counter* But who's Squareso-
{bright lighting followed by a deafening boom sounds from not so far away}
Clerk: *swiping up the coins on one of his rotations* *chagrined* Heh heh, oh. You probably shouldn't say that name. Somebody's *makes a snotty face* trying to tell a story. *suddenly his eyes cross and he collapses to the floor* *scrambles back onto his feet and starts shaking his fist and cursing at the ceiling* How dare you do that to me! I outta...!
Randi: (Weird guy....) *crawls into the bed at the farthest end of the building and smashes the pillow over his head*
Sayermyst: Shhhhhhh! Randi's trying to sleep!
Clerk: *more profanity*
Sayermyst: I swear, if you don't stop, I'll have you turn into a zombie.
Clerk: Eep! *resumes frantic movements of flailing and twirling that had momentarily been forgotten*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Day4
Clerk: Psst! Hey Mr. Wannabe Mana Knight.... Hey!
Randi: *cracking his eyes open*
Clerk: Hey!
Randi: *groggily staring at the clerk*
Clerk: *WHAM! Hits Randi on the head with the cash register*
Randi: *springing into an upright sitting position* WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!
Clerk: *surprised* Oh. I thought you were a zombie.
Randi: Why?!
Clerk: *retreating behind the counter* You weren't answering. ...Sorry about that huge gash I pounded into your forehead. Here, *pulls something out of his pocket and tosses it to the now-standing Randi* have a candy.
Randi: *grumbling, eats the candy* *examines himself in a grimy window after the candy heals the wound a bit* (Damn. That's probably going to leave a scar....)
Clerk: *nervously* Here. You can have this coupon for the convenience store. I'm sorry. I'm very, very, VERY sor-
Randi: WHOA! Any one item free? Woo-hoo! *skimpers out the door and bursts into the convenience store*
Clerk: I'M GONNA DIE! *flailing arms and turning in circles* I DON'T WANNA BECOME A MINDLESS ZOMBIE! *sees Randi* STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU FU-!
Randi: I AM NOT A ZOMBIE!
Clerk: Oh. *spinning in circles* So, what do you want?
Randi: What'cha got?
Clerk: Well *rotation* I've got *rotation* a few things that *rotation* might interest you *rotation*....
Randi: Like armor?
Clerk: Um...*rotation* Does this *rotation* Kung Fu suit *rotation* interest you? It's on sale for 25gp.
Randi: ...It's made for a woman.
Clerk: Exactly! *rotation*
Randi: (?)
Clerk: What better protection is *rotation* there than knowing that *rotation* the one you love is safe? *swatting around his face with one hand*
Randi: I don't have a girlf-...er..I mean, my girlfriend wouldn't like something so... black.
Clerk: Oh *rotation* I see. *puts away a Kung Fu suit* *rotation* Well then how about *rotation* this bright pink ribbon? *rotation* 55gp.
Randi: 55 gp? For a hair ribbon?
Clerk: It's made of *rotation* silktail.
Randi: *baffled* But how would it protect someone?
Clerk: *rotation* It keeps the hair out of your eyes so you don't go blind.
Randi: .... Do you have anything for a man?
Clerk: Um...no. *rotation*
Randi: Awwwww. Just my luck. *pulls out the coupon* And here I have a coupon for one free item....
Clerk: *stops mid-spin and tries to snatch away the coupon*
Randi: *grabs the coupon out of reach*
Clerk: *rotation* Damn that inn manager.... Keeping my *rotation* coupons to use during *rotation* the worst of times....Damn him.
Randi: So...what else do you have?
Clerk:...Oh, uh-hem, you know... *rotation* ... the usual stuff. *rotation* Candy. *rotation* Chocolate. *rotation* Herbs.
Randi: (But I already have all of those....) What's you're most expensive item?
Clerk: Faerie...er...candy. Candy is the most expensive item. Why don't you use that coupon on a candy?
Randi: Yeah, right. You're lying. I want... *slyly narrowing eyes* that ribbon made of silktail.
Clerk: Nooooo! *rotation* I mean... *cheesy smile* *rotation* ...you don't want that. In fact, the pink ribbon is the cheapest item.
Randi: Then you shouldn't have any heartache over me using this coupon on it. Now give me the ribbon!
Clerk: *increasingly nervous* But...but...it's made for a woman! *rotation*
Randi: Give. Me. The. Ribbon. Now! Or I'm calling a guard on account of your fraudulent business!
Clerk: Fine! *dangling the ribbon from fingers* *rotation* But you have to give me the coupon, first.
Randi: Oh, right. Uh-uh. Give me the ribbon, and then I'll give you the coupon.
Clerk: Highly dubious.*rotation* You'll just run away with the coupon *rotation*, sell it to someone else *rotation*, and then they'll harass me, too.
Randi: Well you'll just tear up the coupon before giving me the ribbon!
{pause}
Clerk:... At the same time, then. *rotation*
Randi:...Fine. One....
Clerk: Two....
Both: Three! *switch the coupon for the ribbon, and vise versa* *glare*
Randi: I'm leaving now.
Clerk: *rotation* Then go. *folding arms over chest*
Randi: *cocky* I will. * swings open the door and lets it slam behind him* *fingers the bright pink ribbon* (Well, this certainly isn't going to waste. I paid good... a good coupon, for this.) *with the bandanna still on, ties the bright pink ribbon around his luscious hair*
Sayermyst: Oh, my gosh! I just had an image of a new type of troll doll!
Randi: *peering at the sky* Excuse me?
Sayermyst: (whoops)....
Randi: Stupid voices....
Lady: *giggle* *giggle* *snort* How ridiculous!
Randi: *sees a woman of high rank (by the looks of her poofy dress) who has poofy, styled, neon green hair* (Nice!) Oh, hello! You're...you're not a zombie, I see.
Poofy Noblewoman: *giggle* *laugh* Of course not, you foolish peasant boy! Only lowly peasants and civilians are turned into zombies. *giggle*
Randi: Would you happen to know the way to Gaia's Navel?
Poofy Noblewoman: To what? *gasp* Why you perverted little peasant boy! How dare you speak of a lady of ill repute in my presence. And to even dare speak of her navel! My word! *tries to slap Randi*
Randi: *dodges* What? No! Gaia's Navel is-
Poofy Noblewoman: *gasp* Don't you ever shut up? *tries running after Randi to deliver punishment but ends up falling in a heap of skirts and petticoats* *shrilly* Ahhhhhhh! Someone help me! This snotty little peasant boy can see my ankles! *banging fists on the ground* Heeeeeeeeeellllp!
Randi: * looking on nervously* Er....
Woman Wearing a Nightcap: *walking closer*
Randi: *sees Woman Wearing a Nightcap approaching* Ack! I didn't mean to do it! I swear it was just an acci-...huh?
Woman Wearing a Nightcap: *walks by, staring into space*
Randi: *walking backwards ahead of the Woman Wearing a Nightcap* So...I'm not in trouble?
Woman Wearing a Nightcap: ........
Poofy Noblewoman: Help me up you senile hag! Now! Don't you dare walk away from me!
Randi: (Mmmmm....) Say absolutely nothing if I'm not in trouble.
Woman Wearing a Nightcap: ........
Randi: Woo-hoo! I'm absolved! *dances away to the-* Armor Shoppe! No way! And that convenience store clerk didn't even have the decency to tell me.... *walks in*
Clerk: *wildy waving hands and twirling in circles*
Randi: I am NOT a zombie!
Clerk: .......*still frantically moving*
Randi: Excuse me?
Clerk: ........
Randi: Hello? HELLO? I'd like to buy some armor. *thinking the clerk is deaf, enunciates each word in a loud, slow voice* I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME-
Old Grey-Haired Woman: Sad, isn't it? That man is stuck trying to chase away the supposed zombie spirits because he fell under the zombie spell while trying to keep it away. Been this way for quite some time now. *sympathetic* It's as if he's lost his will to live....
Randi: Oh. (And I was so close to getting a real suit of armor....)
Old Grey-Haired Woman: *slapping her thigh* *cackles* But he's a whole lot better this way! Ha! Lookit 'im twirl! He'll probably be doin' this 'till the day I die... and I'll be there to watch him the whole time! *more cackling*
Randi: *sweatdrop* Um...you wouldn't happen to know the way to Gaia's Navel, would you?
Old Grey-Haired Woman: *flinging pieces of grass in the clerk's face and laughing* *tearing her eyes off of the clerk* Heard of it, but never gone there. I'm sure you could find someone in the castle, though, who knows how to get there.
Randi: (The castle! Of course!) Thanks! *rushes away to the castle*
Old Grey-Haired Woman: *cackle* Don't mention it, sonny! *resumes flicking grass at the clerk's emotionless face*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayermyst: You see? Now you don't have to wonder what a kingdom full of zombie people is like. Since by now you're probably looking at me with a squinty eye, I'll offer a few explanations....
- The Annoying factor of the people- Did you ever notice just how annoying and rude the people actually are in Pandora?
- And once again...I AM THE AUTHOR!
- The Ribbon- I know of many a male who would, to get the best deal they can out of their money/coupon, buy something that happens to be of absolutely no use to them. However, Randi is one of those SMART males, what with being the Mana Knight, and he does put the product of his purchase into use.
- Flicking Grass- Well, geez, that's what I would have done! Either flick grass and find humor in the zombie-fied kingdom you live in....or go insane. I, for one, choose not to be insane.