DISCLAIMER: Well, I guess after writing this for every chapter I've finally faced up to the sad fact: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. *cries* All right, I'm okay…
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Here's chapter 5 for you – it takes place the day after chapter 4. Abby's POV, kinda angsty. You get the point. R/R, please!
ROOFTOP MUSINGS
I find myself up on the roof again. I seem to be spending a lot of time up here lately. My shift just ended, so at least I'm not in danger of being called back down if a trauma comes in. It's Luka's day off today, so I know he won't be following me up here. Normally I don't mind, and actually welcome the company of my fiancé, but I'm glad he's not here right now. I need some time to think, alone.
I take a drag on my cigarette, feeling it slowly calm my nerves. Luka hates it that I smoke, and I've actually been trying to quit for a while now. But, God, it's hard. Especially lately, with all this shit going on with Carter, and…
Carter. The man who, up until a few weeks ago, was my best friend. I still find it hard to believe that I missed all the signs – signs telling me he was falling in love with me. Looking back, I must have seemed so dense. Poor guy. I think now of the charity ball, the trip to Oklahoma, and those are just the big ones. There are countless other moments, looks, comments, that should have given me a clue. But no, I remained oblivious, wallowing in my own self-pity, while my best friend was trying everything except saying it straight out to tell me that he was in love with me.
But would it really have made a difference – my figuring it out months ago as opposed to finding out a few weeks ago? I like to think it wouldn't have, to absolve myself of the guilt I'm feeling about our lost friendship. But I honestly don't know. What would have happened if I had known Carter loved me, say, three months ago? It's a question that I can't (or don't want to?) answer. I take another puff of my cigarette, thinking.
And then I know. If Carter had admitted his love to me earlier, there is a good chance that I would be with him right now. I am floored by this thought, but I know that it's probably true. And it scares me, how close I could have come to throwing away my relationship with Luka.
Luka. I feel myself grinning at the thought of him. Being his fiancé has turned me into one of those giddy, giggly girls that I've always scorned. But I can't help myself – I am in love for quite possibly the first time in my life. And I am happy, which is also something that I'm still getting used to.
But still, I find myself pacing the roof. (I hate it when people pace, and here I am doing it myself!) Underneath my contentment, I am torn up inside. I miss Carter – our talks, how comfortable I am with him, the understanding we share…I may not be in love with him, but I know that I do love him. And that's what makes it so hard that he doesn't even want to try and work on our friendship. I don't know what I can do to make him accept the fact that I am not going to date him, that I am not in love with him.
I raise my eyes up to the cloudy sky in silent supplication to whoever is up there. And, for the first time in – well, a long time – I pray. I find myself begging, pleading for answers. I can't just passively sit back and watch my deepest friendship wither, but I also can't deny my love for Luka. Oh, God, what do I do? I listen, and hear nothing. The heavens are silent and I am helpless to do anything about it.