Baking A Cake
Disclaimer & Author's Note: I do not own GW. I do, however, own a nice pair of wool socks. Take them if you will, but spare me your legal stuff because I do not understand it.
*BOOM*
A series of mini explosions shook the small apartment flat where Relena Peacecraft was trying vainly to cook. The blonde looked around the kitchen in a hopeless defeat as the mountain of spilled ingredients and dirty dishes grew higher and higher. "Who am I kidding?" she said in a deflated voice, blowing a strand off loose hair out of her eyes and wiping a smudge of flour off her nose (only succeeding in spreading it further.) "I can't cook!"
"What the heck was that?" Mariemeia Kushrenada exclaimed, wheeling into the room at high speed. She took one look around the kitchen and burst out laughing. "What happened? A mini tornado came through here?"
Relena sighed. "No, I was trying to make a cake for Lady Une."
Mariemeia smirked. "Really?" she asked in her mocking tone. Relena raised an eyebrow at the younger girl, who in turn, smiled.
"I just figured since she did save both our lives, we at least owed her a token of gratitude." Relena explained, watching as a trail of egg yolk slid across the countertop.
Mariemeia followed her line of vision and laughed. "What possessed you to try and bake a cake?"
"Quiet." Relena said good naturedly. "I know I'm a terrible cook, you don't have to rub it in." Mariemeia, weighing her options, wheeled closer to Relena to inspect the damage done to the kitchen. "You know, I could help you."
"Not likely." Relena retorted. "I have everything under control." Her statement was followed by the shrill beeping of the kitchen timer. Relena jumped about a foot in the air before calming down her nerves and switching the timer back to zero. She avoided the redhead's gaze as she turned her attention down to the floor. "So maybe I could use a little assistance. But I could manage by myself, you know!"
Mariemeia grinned and wheeled over to help clean up. "I'm sure you could. You were once the Queen of the World." She said, trying to comfort the frazzled Vice Foreign Minister. Relena glanced tiredly at the younger girl in suspicion, but cautiously opened the oven to see how her "cake" turned out.
"Oh my dear God." Relena breathed. Mariemeia came over to see what she was looking at and immediately snorted, unsuccessfully trying to hold back her laughter.
"Right Relena. You can handle it all yourself." She laughed and wheeled back over to the countertop, attempting to get all the spilled ingredients off.
Relena had the grace to blush as she slipped on her oven mitts and pulled the cake out of the oven. "Well, it could have been worse..." she comforted herself, eyeing the bubbling mess with disdain. "Do you have any idea what went wrong?"
"Well..." Mariemeia began, poking at the brown sticky mess with a spoon. "What did you put in it?"
"Eggs, flour, and the cake mix of course..." Relena mused, counting off the ingredients on her fingers.
"Anything else?" Mariemeia prompted, noting the shabby state of both cake and oven. It looked at though the concoction had exploded before it was fully baked.
"Ummm…" Relena furrowed her brow. "I did add some food coloring, to make it pretty. And the milk…"
"Milk?" Mariemeia choked, spooning up some of the brown gloop only to watch it come splattering back down into the pan. "No wonder!"
Relena hung her head in shame. "Well excuse me, I don't usually have time to play housewife, with my work and all…"
"Don't worry," Mariemeia said comfortingly, avoiding the urge to laugh at Relena's sad expression. "I'm sure we can, er, fix this little mess."
"Hey!" Relena exclaimed, brightening with a sudden burst of inspiration. "Why don't we call up the Gundam pilots? Maybe they can help."
Now it was Mariemeia's turn to raise an eyebrow, but before she could protest, Relena was already on the phone, calling them. Mariemeia smacked her forehead. "Ugh." She barely stopped herself from rebuking Relena aloud. She once again turned to cleaning and quickly finished before Relena could offer to help.
"All done! They're ALL coming over!" Relena said cheerfully. Mariemeia suppressed a groan and took out a clean cake pan.
"We start over." She commanded, taking out the correct ingredients. "Okay Relena, watch carefully. Eggs, cake mix, vegetable oil, and most importantly, NO MILK!" Relena nodded, deep in concentration.
"Got it. No milk." She repeated. Mariemeia was about to start pouring in the ingredients, when Duo skidded into the room, looking around excitedly.
"I HEARD ABOUT THE FOOD! WHERE IS IT? YOU CAN'T HIDE IT FROM ME!" He yelled, sniffing the air wildly and then wrinkling his nose. He looked at the glob of mess that Mariemeia had not yet thrown away. "What the hell is that?" he asked rudely. "Not even *I* would eat it!"
Relena sat down, threw her head into her arms and made sobbing noises. "I didn't think it was THAT bad!" she wailed. Duo looked at her, then back at the blob, and back again.
"What?" he asked, confused. He paused, then added a few seconds later, "HEY! Are you implying that I have eaten worse?"
"No offense Duo." Relena amended, peeking out from under her arms. "I didn't mean it that way."
"Of course she did." A voice said from the doorway. "Maxwell would consume this entire house and all of its contents if given the chance."
"Oh, hello Wufei." Mariemeia said, an edge to her voice. "How nice of you to drop by."
"Shut up onna." Wufei snarled, breezing into the kitchen and looking down at the brown lumpy mess in the cake pan. His lip curled in disgust and he poked his finger at the bubbling disaster. "Women can't do anything right. All they're supposed to do is cook and clean and still they manage to mess even the simplest of tasks up!"
Relena opened her mouth to respond, but Mariemeia cut her off. "We didn't ask you over here to rant about your sexist views of the world!" she hissed, pumping her arms furiously and gliding neatly over Wufei's foot. He yowled in pain and she smirked in satisfaction. "I wouldn't be putting down that 'food' either, Wufei, or you're going to be the one who has to eat it."
Wufei paled and Duo shook his head sadly. "Take a hint and shut up man," he offered. "You better stop while you're behind." Wufei snorted indignantly and stood in the corner of the room, waiting until he was needed.
Duo uncrossed his arms and strode over to Relena, plucking the disheveled chef's hat off her head and placing it on his own. "Okay!" he yelled, cracking his knuckles. "Let's get this party started!"
"A party?" a shrill voice sounded from the doorway. "Relena! You should have told me!"
"No Quatre, it's not a real party." Relena replied wearily, wondering if her idea had been such a good one after all. "Is Trowa with you?" She got her reply as the silent soldier himself loomed up behind Quatre, looking friendly as ever.
"Where's-" Mariemeia began, then stopped short as another shadow fell over her. She looked up surprised. "Oh, there you are, Heero."
"Hn." He replied. "Relena." He nodded at her. Relena smiled back at him.
"Hello Heero." She responded. Duo watched the exchange with interest.
"Aw come on, that's it?" he asked, feigning astonishment. "No hello kiss??"
"Shut up Duo." Heero replied. Duo just grinned and went back to cake baking. Mariemeia giggled. "I happen to agre-" she was cut off as Heero glared at her fiercely.
"Don't start." He commanded. She just smirked and returned to directing Duo.
"I'll put on some tea!" Quatre suggested happily. "You can't have cake without tea!"
"NO!" everyone but Trowa and Heero cried. Quatre turned to them all, looking like a wounded deer.
"No tea?" he asked sullenly, his lower lip trembling.
"No tea." Duo said sternly, stirring the mix under Mariemeia's careful instruction. Quatre receded to the corner opposite of Wufei and pouted, mumbling under his breath. Trowa made his way over to the bowl of mix and dipped a finger in and tasted. He made a face. "Is it supposed to taste bad?" he asked.
Mariemeia frowned. "Yes. It doesn't taste good until it's baked. Even then you have to do it right." She explained, shooting a glance in Relena's direction.
Relena met her stare and made a face. "Gee thanks Mariemeia." She intoned, looking from Trowa, to Wufei, to Heero. "Why don't you three make yourselves useful?"
"Humph." Wufei commented, turning his nose up in the air. "I refuse to demote my self to a woman's work."
"Well, demote yourself fast buster." Mariemeia responded and Duo nodded, stirring proudly. Wufei shook his head and turned to face the wall.
"I would rather let injustice go unpunished than level with an onna."
Heero grunted in response to this speech and looked at Relena. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well, for starters," she began, pointing to another cake box. "You can begin to make this one. I've decided we're baking two."
Heero grabbed the box and flipped it over, breezing through the instructions. "Fine." He said with a smirk, taking it as a personal challenge to bake better than Relena. "This is simple."
"A piece of cake, right?" Trowa asked, chuckling at his own joke. Heero merely stared. Trowa eventually stopped chuckling and sighed. "Ouch, tough crowd."
"Geez, you guys are all so uptight!" Duo moaned, handing the cake batter to Mariemeia. "We need some music to liven things up." He skipped over to the clock radio and turned the volume up full blast.
"Disco?" Heero asked, looking up from his cake box to find Duo reenacting Saturday Night Fever in the middle of the kitchen floor. He decided it was best to ignore this for the sake of his sanity, and got back to his mission.
"No disco!" Relena yelled, changing stations. "I'm stressed enough already." Duo pouted for a moment, but instantly brightened as the newest Backstreet Boy song came on the radio.
Relena threw her hands in the air in defeat. "I give up." She said, walking back over to Heero and Trowa. Mariemeia glanced at the singing Duo and rolled her eyes.
"Yea Duo, sure. You would definitely make a good Backstreet Boy ." Mariemeia said, completely serious. Duo stopped singing and looked at her suspiciously. "Why?"
Mariemeia stirred harder, barely keeping her smile under control. "Well, because they're all gay!" Duo glared at her.
"If you weren't already in a wheelchair, I'd put you in one!" he threatened.
Mariemeia just laughed. "Yea, yea. Sure. Whatever." Duo stuck his nose in the air and stomped off.
"I've lost my cooking partner." Mariemeia determined, watching him go. She turned her head, looking over at Quatre and Wufei. "Any takers?" Without waiting for a reply, she continued stirring. "Didn't think so."
"Um Heero," Relena began, tapping him on the shoulder. "What are you doing?"
"Making a cake." He replied, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "Why?"
"Well…you might consider putting the mix in a bowl if you really want to get anywhere."
Heero looked down at the cake mix he had spilled all over the counter and glared. "Oh."
Duo, overhearing this statement, allowed himself a long hard laugh. "The perfect soldier finally finds his weakness! He cannot cook to save his life!"
Heero glared at him and brushed the cake mix off the counter and back into the box. "Hn." He said, glaring at Trowa and Relena. "I don't want any comments."
"Course not!" Relena said, a mischievous smile tugging at her lips. "I know you're a good cook. But, as everyone knows, all good cooks need to wear aprons!"
She finished this statement by holding up a pink frilly apron with a floral design. Trowa snorted. "Finally, someone with my sense of humor!"
Mariemeia hardly contained her laughter. "It'll look great on you Heero! Pink is SO your color!" Heero glared.
"There's no way I'm wearing that." He said with finality. Relena smiled.
"Whatever you say!"
* * *
A few hours later, the timer went off once again, signaling that Duo and Mariemeia's cake was ready to come out of the oven. "Heero," Mariemeia said in that sickeningly sweet voice of hers. "Would you get that for me?"
"Why, cause you're too lazy to get it yourself?" Duo asked, perched on the counter, humming to the Backstreet Boys song that was stuck in his head. Mariemeia stuck her tongue out, resentful for the fact that Duo's feet were dangling off the floor, just out of reach of her wheels.
Heero got up, grumbling. "Fine, I'll do it, just stop arguing." He crossed the kitchen to the oven, passing a sleeping Quatre, a katana wielding Wufei, a joke telling Trowa, and a hard at work Relena adding 'finishing touches' to their cake.
He bent over and opened the oven, allowing the hot air to come out first. Reaching inside, he pulled out the cake pan with his bare hands and placed it on the counter. Duo watched him, wide eyed. "Dude!" he yelled. "Doesn't that hurt?"
Heero glanced at him. "No." he stated, brushing off his hands on the pink apron tied around his waist. Duo just smiled and went back to humming.
Everyone crowded around the first cake to be finished apprehensively. "Is it, edible?" Relena asked with bated breath. Mariemeia shrugged and retrieved a knife from the drawer, cutting small corner of the cake.
She looked at Duo. "Will you do the honors?"
"Of course!" he said, picking up the cake morsel and popping it in his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully for a minute and every stared at him, waiting for his verdict. He swallowed and gave Relena a thumbs up. "This one actually turned out good J'Ousan!"
Relena whooped with joy and, in her excitement embraced Heero in a hug. He looked a little taken aback, but made no move to escape. Duo missed this, being too busy trying to steal more pieces off the cake, and Mariemeia was occupied trying to stop him. Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei, however, all exchanged glances.
Relena came to her senses in a moment and pulled away from Heero. "Ah, er, well, we better get back to work then." she said hurriedly, clapping her hands. "Trowa, shouldn't we put our cake in the oven?"
Trowa nodded and picked up the batter. "I'll do it." he offered, walking over to the oven and placing the pan inside. Wufei and Quatre retreated to their respective corners muttering about justice and tea. Mariemeia was having a grand time rolling repeatedly over Duo's foot while he whispered profanities under his breath.
"So," Relena began awkwardly, avoiding Heero's questioning stare. "I guess we should clean up." He nodded, glad for an excuse to take the god forsaken apron off and went to the sink to wet a sponge.
Relena brushed some flour off the counter absentmindedly, lost in her own thought. How could she have just done that, latched onto Heero in front of all the others? She must be loosing her mind! That was it. Political life was finally getting to her.
"Here." Heero said abruptly, coming up behind her and handing her a sponge. "Wipe off the counter."
"Yes master." Relena said sarcastically, starting to clean up the mess. "Aren't you going to help?"
Heero nodded, gesturing to the mountains of dirty dishes. "These need to be cleaned."
"Go for it." Relena commanded, wiping some egg off the wall. Heero nodded and started to fill up the sink.
Meanwhile, Duo and Mariemeia's spat had escalated. Duo was tired of always getting his foot run over and Mariemeia was yelling about he shouldn't test her patience. The two were glaring daggers at eachother when Duo was hit with inspiration. He glanced stealthily at the counter were Relena had not yet cleaned and saw a whole egg just *sitting* there unattended. It was practically begging to be thrown. He reached out to grab it, but Mariemeia, supposedly reading his thoughts, beat him to it.
Her hand closed around the egg and she grinned. Duo facefaulted and prepared for the worst. Wielding the egg like a baseball, Mariemeia wound up and launched it at Duo's head. The braided wonder ducked and the egg went sailing across the room to hit Wufei square in the forehead.
Everyone fell silent and watched as the yolk slid down Wufei's face and the shell got caught on his nose. Finally, Duo burst out laughing. "Love the look Wu-man!" he gasped, doubled over with laughter. It took him by complete surprise when an egg came flying out of no where and hit him in the stomach.
"Do not mock me, Maxwell." Wufei threatened, tossing another egg from hand to hand. Duo glared at him. "This means war."
What followed can only be described as chaos. Duo was running around the kitchen like a little kid in a candy store, picking up whatever food he could find and chucking it randomly around the room. Wufei was growling like a predator on the attack and stalked him quietly, dodging projectiles and collecting ammo of his own. Mariemeia, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire, wheeled herself behind the stationary Trowa.
"Don't move." She commanded, backing up into the corner and using 03's pilot as a human shield. Trowa blinked.
"How many times have I told you, I am not a tree! Duo cannot shear my bangs with his hedgeclippers, and you may not hide behind me. Is that clear?"
Mariemeia sighed loudly and shot him a pitiful smile. "Couldn't you be a tree, just this once?" she asked, pleadingly. Trowa paused and exhaled loudly, blowing his bangs.
"Fine. Just call me Trowa the Tree."
No sooner had he stated this, when one of Duo's badly aimed eggs came flying out of no where and hit his shoulder. Trowa sighed again and gently wiped the yolk off. "I may be a mere tree," he commented, "but it sure is a tough job." From behind him, Mariemeia nodded solemnly.
"What on Earth is going on?" Relena asked as a ball of flour whizzed by her face. "Duo! Wufei! Stop it!" The two showed no signs of listening. Relena rolled her eyes and glanced over at Quatre, who was curled up into a tiny ball in the corner. "Quatre?" she asked, a little worriedly. "Are you all right?" The blonde gave her a muffled squeak that could be interpreted as a yes, and went back to covering his head with his hands.
"Heero!" Relena called into the whirlwind of flying bakery ingredients. "Are you hit?"
For once, Heero caught onto the humor, and managed a wry smile. "I'll make it." he replied, monotone as ever, wiping some flour off his brow. "The question is- what are we going to do about it?"
Relena looked at him questioningly and he smirked, grabbing some eggs from the air and handing her a few. "Come on Rena." He said, his eyes clearly teasing her. "Where's your sense of adventure? I bet you could hit Duo pretty easily."
Accepting his little challenge, Relena stepped closer to him, until their noses were almost touching. "I bet I could too." She mused, inspecting the egg in her palm. "But it would be so much easier to do this!" On her last word, Relena brought the egg up and slammed it directly on top of Heero's head. The yellow goo ran into his hair and dripped down off his bangs, splattering on the floor below. He looked at her, wide-eyed in surprise, and everything else in the room froze.
Quatre stopped in mid-wail, and Duo paused halfway through strangling Wufei with a wire whisk. Mariemeia peeked out from behind Trowa to watch the fur fly, and Trowa the Tree himself merely blinked.
"Relena?" Heero asked in a tone of astonishment. The silence in the room was deafening, for the princess' only reply was to smile smugly.
*Has she gone nuts?* Duo wondered to himself, looking from Heero to Relena, then back again. *Heero is going to kill her!*
Instead, what actually did happened surprised everybody even further. Heero reached over on the counter, grabbed something, and in one swift movement, poured an entire bag of flour over Relena's head. She shrieked and looked down at her clothes which were caked in a white powder. "HEERO!" she yelled, shaking her flour dusted hair at him. "How could you?"
Duo snickered at the sight, and simultaneously released Wufei from the death grip he had held on him. Wufei slumped to the ground unconscious due to lack of oxygen and Quatre regarded him with a look of fear. Mariemeia, Duo and Trowa continued to watch the strange food fight between Heero and Relena with immense interest.
"I'm just returning the favor." Heero said to Relena, gesturing to his hair. Relena wiped the flour off her face and glared. They stood staring at eachother for awhile before she finally broke the silence. With a whoop of triumph, she skidded past Heero on the egg-slicked floor and managed to grab a stirring spoon from the countertop. "En guard." She said, brandishing the wooden spoon like a sword.
"You've got to be kidding." Heero said, picking up a spatula. Relena just grinned.
"Are you afraid or something, Heero?" she inquired, jabbing at him with the spoon. Heero backed up and circled her, his "weapon" drawn and ready.
"No." he answered, feinting to the left and arcing the spatula to stop inches away from her neck. Relena ducked away and blocked his next assault.
Their little duel continued on for awhile, with Duo, Trowa and Mariemeia all watching intently. Trowa had somehow gotten his hands on a bowl of popcorn and was passing it in between the three of them to munch on as they watched the fight. Mariemeia and Duo were now resorting to sidebetting on the victor of the match.
"It's gonna be Heero!" Duo said to Mariemeia in a know-it-all voice. "He's the perfect soldier, man. And J'Ousan is, well, not."
Mariemeia smiled. "You don't know Miss Relena like I do. She's got a few tricks up her sleeve. After all, Mr. Milliardo IS her older brother."
Duo raised an eyebrow and munched on some popcorn thoughtfully. "Just when you think you know a girl.." he said, trailing off and watching Relena parry Heero's every move.
Meanwhile, out on the "battlefield", Heero was beyond shocked at Relena's fighting ability. "How?" he asked as she almost skewered him with a well placed move.
"Milliardo taught me for self-defense. I can't afford to let myself be kidnapped again." She explained, blocking his sword thrust easily. Heero narrowed his eyes.
"I could have taught you." he said plainly. "Zechs doesn't have to waste his valuable time."
Relena knew it was a mistake to bring up the subject of her brother around Heero, seeing as they weren't very comfortable with being allies quite yet. But usually Heero never acted so hostile before.
"He volunteered to teach me." Relena said matter-of-factly. Heero, angered by this and tired of holding back, penetrated Relena's defenses in one move and pinned her up against the counter at spatula-point.
"He obviously didn't do a very good job." He retorted, voice devoid of infliction once again. Relena looked up at him, her eyes searching. What was hidden in his statements? Anger, resentment…jealousy? Her heart beat faster at the very thought.
"So you'll teach me?" she asked lightly, her eyes locked onto his own, only too aware that they were now millimeters apart. Heero smirked, and leaned in closer…
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Whatever would have happened was interrupted quite violently as the smoke detector sounded off. Duo, Trowa, and Mariemeia all let out their breath (They'd been holding it without even realizing it)
"Oh shit!" Duo swore, turning his attention to the black clouds of smoke billowing from inside the closed oven. "THE CAKE!"
Everyone dashed across the room and Relena tentatively opened the oven door. Smoke erupted into the air like it was shot out of a particularly nasty volcano. Everyone began coughing, and Heero turned on the fan. As soon as the air was clear enough to see through, they all bent over to inspect the cake.
"Oh no…" Relena moaned. Their beautiful cake was burnt to a crisp. It was an ugly shade of black with even darker festering bubbles lumped on top of the surface. The smell was sickening and everyone's eyes began to water.
"Well," Duo said at last, inspecting the smoldering mess. "At least we still have ONE good cake to give to good ol Lady Une."
"Um, not exactly." Mariemeia corrected, pointing to the counter. "It looks like *somebody* got hungry and ate that one too!"
Cue angry stares at the braided Shinigami.
"Hey, hey! Ease up guys, it wasn't me!"
Heero glared. "Then who else could it possibly be?! Relena and I were, uh, dueling. Mariemeia and Trowa were watching. And Wufei is unconscious!
"Then that leaves only one person…."
Cue suspicious glances in the corner where Quatre is sitting contentedly.
"Quatre?" Relena questioned.
The blonde smiled at everyone blinked. "What's going on? Why are you all looking at me like that?"
The pilots, Relena and Mariemeia all exchanged glances.
"Let's get em." Trowa commanded, and they all lunged.
Wufei cracked open an eye and watched as they dragged Quatre, bound and gagged, out of the room and into the hallway. He yawned, stretched, and got up to go inspect if there was anything left in the kitchen to eat. "Stupid weaklings," he chuckled to himself, while patting his stomach and burping richly. "They can't even knock someone properly unconscious."
Wufei licked the few remaining cake crumbs off his fingers and paused, adding as an afterthought, "It would have gone much better with tea…"
End.
Acknowledgements: To Molly who helped me start this fic, and to Kou, who helped create Trowa the Tree (C)
Also, some of you may be wondering where the idea for this story came from (Audience: Not Really!! Let it end!)
Iie, it's already over o.O;; ANYWAY- I was watching EW and was at the part where Lady Une comes and knocks RP and MK out of harm's way when the shelter is colapsing.
And I, being Relena of course, turns to my friend Molly (Mariemeia) and exclaims, "She saved our lives. . . WE SHOULD BAKE HER A CAKE!"
Thus, this piece of insanity is born. My first attempt at humor, and yes I know it's not funny. I'm working on it. It's just so much easier to write deathfics. lol ^_^
R+R please! Ja.
Disclaimer & Author's Note: I do not own GW. I do, however, own a nice pair of wool socks. Take them if you will, but spare me your legal stuff because I do not understand it.
*BOOM*
A series of mini explosions shook the small apartment flat where Relena Peacecraft was trying vainly to cook. The blonde looked around the kitchen in a hopeless defeat as the mountain of spilled ingredients and dirty dishes grew higher and higher. "Who am I kidding?" she said in a deflated voice, blowing a strand off loose hair out of her eyes and wiping a smudge of flour off her nose (only succeeding in spreading it further.) "I can't cook!"
"What the heck was that?" Mariemeia Kushrenada exclaimed, wheeling into the room at high speed. She took one look around the kitchen and burst out laughing. "What happened? A mini tornado came through here?"
Relena sighed. "No, I was trying to make a cake for Lady Une."
Mariemeia smirked. "Really?" she asked in her mocking tone. Relena raised an eyebrow at the younger girl, who in turn, smiled.
"I just figured since she did save both our lives, we at least owed her a token of gratitude." Relena explained, watching as a trail of egg yolk slid across the countertop.
Mariemeia followed her line of vision and laughed. "What possessed you to try and bake a cake?"
"Quiet." Relena said good naturedly. "I know I'm a terrible cook, you don't have to rub it in." Mariemeia, weighing her options, wheeled closer to Relena to inspect the damage done to the kitchen. "You know, I could help you."
"Not likely." Relena retorted. "I have everything under control." Her statement was followed by the shrill beeping of the kitchen timer. Relena jumped about a foot in the air before calming down her nerves and switching the timer back to zero. She avoided the redhead's gaze as she turned her attention down to the floor. "So maybe I could use a little assistance. But I could manage by myself, you know!"
Mariemeia grinned and wheeled over to help clean up. "I'm sure you could. You were once the Queen of the World." She said, trying to comfort the frazzled Vice Foreign Minister. Relena glanced tiredly at the younger girl in suspicion, but cautiously opened the oven to see how her "cake" turned out.
"Oh my dear God." Relena breathed. Mariemeia came over to see what she was looking at and immediately snorted, unsuccessfully trying to hold back her laughter.
"Right Relena. You can handle it all yourself." She laughed and wheeled back over to the countertop, attempting to get all the spilled ingredients off.
Relena had the grace to blush as she slipped on her oven mitts and pulled the cake out of the oven. "Well, it could have been worse..." she comforted herself, eyeing the bubbling mess with disdain. "Do you have any idea what went wrong?"
"Well..." Mariemeia began, poking at the brown sticky mess with a spoon. "What did you put in it?"
"Eggs, flour, and the cake mix of course..." Relena mused, counting off the ingredients on her fingers.
"Anything else?" Mariemeia prompted, noting the shabby state of both cake and oven. It looked at though the concoction had exploded before it was fully baked.
"Ummm…" Relena furrowed her brow. "I did add some food coloring, to make it pretty. And the milk…"
"Milk?" Mariemeia choked, spooning up some of the brown gloop only to watch it come splattering back down into the pan. "No wonder!"
Relena hung her head in shame. "Well excuse me, I don't usually have time to play housewife, with my work and all…"
"Don't worry," Mariemeia said comfortingly, avoiding the urge to laugh at Relena's sad expression. "I'm sure we can, er, fix this little mess."
"Hey!" Relena exclaimed, brightening with a sudden burst of inspiration. "Why don't we call up the Gundam pilots? Maybe they can help."
Now it was Mariemeia's turn to raise an eyebrow, but before she could protest, Relena was already on the phone, calling them. Mariemeia smacked her forehead. "Ugh." She barely stopped herself from rebuking Relena aloud. She once again turned to cleaning and quickly finished before Relena could offer to help.
"All done! They're ALL coming over!" Relena said cheerfully. Mariemeia suppressed a groan and took out a clean cake pan.
"We start over." She commanded, taking out the correct ingredients. "Okay Relena, watch carefully. Eggs, cake mix, vegetable oil, and most importantly, NO MILK!" Relena nodded, deep in concentration.
"Got it. No milk." She repeated. Mariemeia was about to start pouring in the ingredients, when Duo skidded into the room, looking around excitedly.
"I HEARD ABOUT THE FOOD! WHERE IS IT? YOU CAN'T HIDE IT FROM ME!" He yelled, sniffing the air wildly and then wrinkling his nose. He looked at the glob of mess that Mariemeia had not yet thrown away. "What the hell is that?" he asked rudely. "Not even *I* would eat it!"
Relena sat down, threw her head into her arms and made sobbing noises. "I didn't think it was THAT bad!" she wailed. Duo looked at her, then back at the blob, and back again.
"What?" he asked, confused. He paused, then added a few seconds later, "HEY! Are you implying that I have eaten worse?"
"No offense Duo." Relena amended, peeking out from under her arms. "I didn't mean it that way."
"Of course she did." A voice said from the doorway. "Maxwell would consume this entire house and all of its contents if given the chance."
"Oh, hello Wufei." Mariemeia said, an edge to her voice. "How nice of you to drop by."
"Shut up onna." Wufei snarled, breezing into the kitchen and looking down at the brown lumpy mess in the cake pan. His lip curled in disgust and he poked his finger at the bubbling disaster. "Women can't do anything right. All they're supposed to do is cook and clean and still they manage to mess even the simplest of tasks up!"
Relena opened her mouth to respond, but Mariemeia cut her off. "We didn't ask you over here to rant about your sexist views of the world!" she hissed, pumping her arms furiously and gliding neatly over Wufei's foot. He yowled in pain and she smirked in satisfaction. "I wouldn't be putting down that 'food' either, Wufei, or you're going to be the one who has to eat it."
Wufei paled and Duo shook his head sadly. "Take a hint and shut up man," he offered. "You better stop while you're behind." Wufei snorted indignantly and stood in the corner of the room, waiting until he was needed.
Duo uncrossed his arms and strode over to Relena, plucking the disheveled chef's hat off her head and placing it on his own. "Okay!" he yelled, cracking his knuckles. "Let's get this party started!"
"A party?" a shrill voice sounded from the doorway. "Relena! You should have told me!"
"No Quatre, it's not a real party." Relena replied wearily, wondering if her idea had been such a good one after all. "Is Trowa with you?" She got her reply as the silent soldier himself loomed up behind Quatre, looking friendly as ever.
"Where's-" Mariemeia began, then stopped short as another shadow fell over her. She looked up surprised. "Oh, there you are, Heero."
"Hn." He replied. "Relena." He nodded at her. Relena smiled back at him.
"Hello Heero." She responded. Duo watched the exchange with interest.
"Aw come on, that's it?" he asked, feigning astonishment. "No hello kiss??"
"Shut up Duo." Heero replied. Duo just grinned and went back to cake baking. Mariemeia giggled. "I happen to agre-" she was cut off as Heero glared at her fiercely.
"Don't start." He commanded. She just smirked and returned to directing Duo.
"I'll put on some tea!" Quatre suggested happily. "You can't have cake without tea!"
"NO!" everyone but Trowa and Heero cried. Quatre turned to them all, looking like a wounded deer.
"No tea?" he asked sullenly, his lower lip trembling.
"No tea." Duo said sternly, stirring the mix under Mariemeia's careful instruction. Quatre receded to the corner opposite of Wufei and pouted, mumbling under his breath. Trowa made his way over to the bowl of mix and dipped a finger in and tasted. He made a face. "Is it supposed to taste bad?" he asked.
Mariemeia frowned. "Yes. It doesn't taste good until it's baked. Even then you have to do it right." She explained, shooting a glance in Relena's direction.
Relena met her stare and made a face. "Gee thanks Mariemeia." She intoned, looking from Trowa, to Wufei, to Heero. "Why don't you three make yourselves useful?"
"Humph." Wufei commented, turning his nose up in the air. "I refuse to demote my self to a woman's work."
"Well, demote yourself fast buster." Mariemeia responded and Duo nodded, stirring proudly. Wufei shook his head and turned to face the wall.
"I would rather let injustice go unpunished than level with an onna."
Heero grunted in response to this speech and looked at Relena. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well, for starters," she began, pointing to another cake box. "You can begin to make this one. I've decided we're baking two."
Heero grabbed the box and flipped it over, breezing through the instructions. "Fine." He said with a smirk, taking it as a personal challenge to bake better than Relena. "This is simple."
"A piece of cake, right?" Trowa asked, chuckling at his own joke. Heero merely stared. Trowa eventually stopped chuckling and sighed. "Ouch, tough crowd."
"Geez, you guys are all so uptight!" Duo moaned, handing the cake batter to Mariemeia. "We need some music to liven things up." He skipped over to the clock radio and turned the volume up full blast.
"Disco?" Heero asked, looking up from his cake box to find Duo reenacting Saturday Night Fever in the middle of the kitchen floor. He decided it was best to ignore this for the sake of his sanity, and got back to his mission.
"No disco!" Relena yelled, changing stations. "I'm stressed enough already." Duo pouted for a moment, but instantly brightened as the newest Backstreet Boy song came on the radio.
Relena threw her hands in the air in defeat. "I give up." She said, walking back over to Heero and Trowa. Mariemeia glanced at the singing Duo and rolled her eyes.
"Yea Duo, sure. You would definitely make a good Backstreet Boy ." Mariemeia said, completely serious. Duo stopped singing and looked at her suspiciously. "Why?"
Mariemeia stirred harder, barely keeping her smile under control. "Well, because they're all gay!" Duo glared at her.
"If you weren't already in a wheelchair, I'd put you in one!" he threatened.
Mariemeia just laughed. "Yea, yea. Sure. Whatever." Duo stuck his nose in the air and stomped off.
"I've lost my cooking partner." Mariemeia determined, watching him go. She turned her head, looking over at Quatre and Wufei. "Any takers?" Without waiting for a reply, she continued stirring. "Didn't think so."
"Um Heero," Relena began, tapping him on the shoulder. "What are you doing?"
"Making a cake." He replied, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "Why?"
"Well…you might consider putting the mix in a bowl if you really want to get anywhere."
Heero looked down at the cake mix he had spilled all over the counter and glared. "Oh."
Duo, overhearing this statement, allowed himself a long hard laugh. "The perfect soldier finally finds his weakness! He cannot cook to save his life!"
Heero glared at him and brushed the cake mix off the counter and back into the box. "Hn." He said, glaring at Trowa and Relena. "I don't want any comments."
"Course not!" Relena said, a mischievous smile tugging at her lips. "I know you're a good cook. But, as everyone knows, all good cooks need to wear aprons!"
She finished this statement by holding up a pink frilly apron with a floral design. Trowa snorted. "Finally, someone with my sense of humor!"
Mariemeia hardly contained her laughter. "It'll look great on you Heero! Pink is SO your color!" Heero glared.
"There's no way I'm wearing that." He said with finality. Relena smiled.
"Whatever you say!"
* * *
A few hours later, the timer went off once again, signaling that Duo and Mariemeia's cake was ready to come out of the oven. "Heero," Mariemeia said in that sickeningly sweet voice of hers. "Would you get that for me?"
"Why, cause you're too lazy to get it yourself?" Duo asked, perched on the counter, humming to the Backstreet Boys song that was stuck in his head. Mariemeia stuck her tongue out, resentful for the fact that Duo's feet were dangling off the floor, just out of reach of her wheels.
Heero got up, grumbling. "Fine, I'll do it, just stop arguing." He crossed the kitchen to the oven, passing a sleeping Quatre, a katana wielding Wufei, a joke telling Trowa, and a hard at work Relena adding 'finishing touches' to their cake.
He bent over and opened the oven, allowing the hot air to come out first. Reaching inside, he pulled out the cake pan with his bare hands and placed it on the counter. Duo watched him, wide eyed. "Dude!" he yelled. "Doesn't that hurt?"
Heero glanced at him. "No." he stated, brushing off his hands on the pink apron tied around his waist. Duo just smiled and went back to humming.
Everyone crowded around the first cake to be finished apprehensively. "Is it, edible?" Relena asked with bated breath. Mariemeia shrugged and retrieved a knife from the drawer, cutting small corner of the cake.
She looked at Duo. "Will you do the honors?"
"Of course!" he said, picking up the cake morsel and popping it in his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully for a minute and every stared at him, waiting for his verdict. He swallowed and gave Relena a thumbs up. "This one actually turned out good J'Ousan!"
Relena whooped with joy and, in her excitement embraced Heero in a hug. He looked a little taken aback, but made no move to escape. Duo missed this, being too busy trying to steal more pieces off the cake, and Mariemeia was occupied trying to stop him. Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei, however, all exchanged glances.
Relena came to her senses in a moment and pulled away from Heero. "Ah, er, well, we better get back to work then." she said hurriedly, clapping her hands. "Trowa, shouldn't we put our cake in the oven?"
Trowa nodded and picked up the batter. "I'll do it." he offered, walking over to the oven and placing the pan inside. Wufei and Quatre retreated to their respective corners muttering about justice and tea. Mariemeia was having a grand time rolling repeatedly over Duo's foot while he whispered profanities under his breath.
"So," Relena began awkwardly, avoiding Heero's questioning stare. "I guess we should clean up." He nodded, glad for an excuse to take the god forsaken apron off and went to the sink to wet a sponge.
Relena brushed some flour off the counter absentmindedly, lost in her own thought. How could she have just done that, latched onto Heero in front of all the others? She must be loosing her mind! That was it. Political life was finally getting to her.
"Here." Heero said abruptly, coming up behind her and handing her a sponge. "Wipe off the counter."
"Yes master." Relena said sarcastically, starting to clean up the mess. "Aren't you going to help?"
Heero nodded, gesturing to the mountains of dirty dishes. "These need to be cleaned."
"Go for it." Relena commanded, wiping some egg off the wall. Heero nodded and started to fill up the sink.
Meanwhile, Duo and Mariemeia's spat had escalated. Duo was tired of always getting his foot run over and Mariemeia was yelling about he shouldn't test her patience. The two were glaring daggers at eachother when Duo was hit with inspiration. He glanced stealthily at the counter were Relena had not yet cleaned and saw a whole egg just *sitting* there unattended. It was practically begging to be thrown. He reached out to grab it, but Mariemeia, supposedly reading his thoughts, beat him to it.
Her hand closed around the egg and she grinned. Duo facefaulted and prepared for the worst. Wielding the egg like a baseball, Mariemeia wound up and launched it at Duo's head. The braided wonder ducked and the egg went sailing across the room to hit Wufei square in the forehead.
Everyone fell silent and watched as the yolk slid down Wufei's face and the shell got caught on his nose. Finally, Duo burst out laughing. "Love the look Wu-man!" he gasped, doubled over with laughter. It took him by complete surprise when an egg came flying out of no where and hit him in the stomach.
"Do not mock me, Maxwell." Wufei threatened, tossing another egg from hand to hand. Duo glared at him. "This means war."
What followed can only be described as chaos. Duo was running around the kitchen like a little kid in a candy store, picking up whatever food he could find and chucking it randomly around the room. Wufei was growling like a predator on the attack and stalked him quietly, dodging projectiles and collecting ammo of his own. Mariemeia, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire, wheeled herself behind the stationary Trowa.
"Don't move." She commanded, backing up into the corner and using 03's pilot as a human shield. Trowa blinked.
"How many times have I told you, I am not a tree! Duo cannot shear my bangs with his hedgeclippers, and you may not hide behind me. Is that clear?"
Mariemeia sighed loudly and shot him a pitiful smile. "Couldn't you be a tree, just this once?" she asked, pleadingly. Trowa paused and exhaled loudly, blowing his bangs.
"Fine. Just call me Trowa the Tree."
No sooner had he stated this, when one of Duo's badly aimed eggs came flying out of no where and hit his shoulder. Trowa sighed again and gently wiped the yolk off. "I may be a mere tree," he commented, "but it sure is a tough job." From behind him, Mariemeia nodded solemnly.
"What on Earth is going on?" Relena asked as a ball of flour whizzed by her face. "Duo! Wufei! Stop it!" The two showed no signs of listening. Relena rolled her eyes and glanced over at Quatre, who was curled up into a tiny ball in the corner. "Quatre?" she asked, a little worriedly. "Are you all right?" The blonde gave her a muffled squeak that could be interpreted as a yes, and went back to covering his head with his hands.
"Heero!" Relena called into the whirlwind of flying bakery ingredients. "Are you hit?"
For once, Heero caught onto the humor, and managed a wry smile. "I'll make it." he replied, monotone as ever, wiping some flour off his brow. "The question is- what are we going to do about it?"
Relena looked at him questioningly and he smirked, grabbing some eggs from the air and handing her a few. "Come on Rena." He said, his eyes clearly teasing her. "Where's your sense of adventure? I bet you could hit Duo pretty easily."
Accepting his little challenge, Relena stepped closer to him, until their noses were almost touching. "I bet I could too." She mused, inspecting the egg in her palm. "But it would be so much easier to do this!" On her last word, Relena brought the egg up and slammed it directly on top of Heero's head. The yellow goo ran into his hair and dripped down off his bangs, splattering on the floor below. He looked at her, wide-eyed in surprise, and everything else in the room froze.
Quatre stopped in mid-wail, and Duo paused halfway through strangling Wufei with a wire whisk. Mariemeia peeked out from behind Trowa to watch the fur fly, and Trowa the Tree himself merely blinked.
"Relena?" Heero asked in a tone of astonishment. The silence in the room was deafening, for the princess' only reply was to smile smugly.
*Has she gone nuts?* Duo wondered to himself, looking from Heero to Relena, then back again. *Heero is going to kill her!*
Instead, what actually did happened surprised everybody even further. Heero reached over on the counter, grabbed something, and in one swift movement, poured an entire bag of flour over Relena's head. She shrieked and looked down at her clothes which were caked in a white powder. "HEERO!" she yelled, shaking her flour dusted hair at him. "How could you?"
Duo snickered at the sight, and simultaneously released Wufei from the death grip he had held on him. Wufei slumped to the ground unconscious due to lack of oxygen and Quatre regarded him with a look of fear. Mariemeia, Duo and Trowa continued to watch the strange food fight between Heero and Relena with immense interest.
"I'm just returning the favor." Heero said to Relena, gesturing to his hair. Relena wiped the flour off her face and glared. They stood staring at eachother for awhile before she finally broke the silence. With a whoop of triumph, she skidded past Heero on the egg-slicked floor and managed to grab a stirring spoon from the countertop. "En guard." She said, brandishing the wooden spoon like a sword.
"You've got to be kidding." Heero said, picking up a spatula. Relena just grinned.
"Are you afraid or something, Heero?" she inquired, jabbing at him with the spoon. Heero backed up and circled her, his "weapon" drawn and ready.
"No." he answered, feinting to the left and arcing the spatula to stop inches away from her neck. Relena ducked away and blocked his next assault.
Their little duel continued on for awhile, with Duo, Trowa and Mariemeia all watching intently. Trowa had somehow gotten his hands on a bowl of popcorn and was passing it in between the three of them to munch on as they watched the fight. Mariemeia and Duo were now resorting to sidebetting on the victor of the match.
"It's gonna be Heero!" Duo said to Mariemeia in a know-it-all voice. "He's the perfect soldier, man. And J'Ousan is, well, not."
Mariemeia smiled. "You don't know Miss Relena like I do. She's got a few tricks up her sleeve. After all, Mr. Milliardo IS her older brother."
Duo raised an eyebrow and munched on some popcorn thoughtfully. "Just when you think you know a girl.." he said, trailing off and watching Relena parry Heero's every move.
Meanwhile, out on the "battlefield", Heero was beyond shocked at Relena's fighting ability. "How?" he asked as she almost skewered him with a well placed move.
"Milliardo taught me for self-defense. I can't afford to let myself be kidnapped again." She explained, blocking his sword thrust easily. Heero narrowed his eyes.
"I could have taught you." he said plainly. "Zechs doesn't have to waste his valuable time."
Relena knew it was a mistake to bring up the subject of her brother around Heero, seeing as they weren't very comfortable with being allies quite yet. But usually Heero never acted so hostile before.
"He volunteered to teach me." Relena said matter-of-factly. Heero, angered by this and tired of holding back, penetrated Relena's defenses in one move and pinned her up against the counter at spatula-point.
"He obviously didn't do a very good job." He retorted, voice devoid of infliction once again. Relena looked up at him, her eyes searching. What was hidden in his statements? Anger, resentment…jealousy? Her heart beat faster at the very thought.
"So you'll teach me?" she asked lightly, her eyes locked onto his own, only too aware that they were now millimeters apart. Heero smirked, and leaned in closer…
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Whatever would have happened was interrupted quite violently as the smoke detector sounded off. Duo, Trowa, and Mariemeia all let out their breath (They'd been holding it without even realizing it)
"Oh shit!" Duo swore, turning his attention to the black clouds of smoke billowing from inside the closed oven. "THE CAKE!"
Everyone dashed across the room and Relena tentatively opened the oven door. Smoke erupted into the air like it was shot out of a particularly nasty volcano. Everyone began coughing, and Heero turned on the fan. As soon as the air was clear enough to see through, they all bent over to inspect the cake.
"Oh no…" Relena moaned. Their beautiful cake was burnt to a crisp. It was an ugly shade of black with even darker festering bubbles lumped on top of the surface. The smell was sickening and everyone's eyes began to water.
"Well," Duo said at last, inspecting the smoldering mess. "At least we still have ONE good cake to give to good ol Lady Une."
"Um, not exactly." Mariemeia corrected, pointing to the counter. "It looks like *somebody* got hungry and ate that one too!"
Cue angry stares at the braided Shinigami.
"Hey, hey! Ease up guys, it wasn't me!"
Heero glared. "Then who else could it possibly be?! Relena and I were, uh, dueling. Mariemeia and Trowa were watching. And Wufei is unconscious!
"Then that leaves only one person…."
Cue suspicious glances in the corner where Quatre is sitting contentedly.
"Quatre?" Relena questioned.
The blonde smiled at everyone blinked. "What's going on? Why are you all looking at me like that?"
The pilots, Relena and Mariemeia all exchanged glances.
"Let's get em." Trowa commanded, and they all lunged.
Wufei cracked open an eye and watched as they dragged Quatre, bound and gagged, out of the room and into the hallway. He yawned, stretched, and got up to go inspect if there was anything left in the kitchen to eat. "Stupid weaklings," he chuckled to himself, while patting his stomach and burping richly. "They can't even knock someone properly unconscious."
Wufei licked the few remaining cake crumbs off his fingers and paused, adding as an afterthought, "It would have gone much better with tea…"
End.
Acknowledgements: To Molly who helped me start this fic, and to Kou, who helped create Trowa the Tree (C)
Also, some of you may be wondering where the idea for this story came from (Audience: Not Really!! Let it end!)
Iie, it's already over o.O;; ANYWAY- I was watching EW and was at the part where Lady Une comes and knocks RP and MK out of harm's way when the shelter is colapsing.
And I, being Relena of course, turns to my friend Molly (Mariemeia) and exclaims, "She saved our lives. . . WE SHOULD BAKE HER A CAKE!"
Thus, this piece of insanity is born. My first attempt at humor, and yes I know it's not funny. I'm working on it. It's just so much easier to write deathfics. lol ^_^
R+R please! Ja.