What Am I To Be?
by PhoeniXstitch
Usual disclaimers in Part 1. Feedback to vbmacky1@yahoo.com. In The Heart Of Darkness
Part 2
The Magic Box was still open by the time they arrived, and parked by the store. Buffy locked up the car, and they went in. There were a few customers looking at books and possible purchases, which was good as business had been slow recently which had been driving Anya up the wall. Luckily, the web site for out of shop ordering was paying off and that kept the ex demon happy handling order from it. She was busy with a customer and Giles was notably absent when they came into the shop proper. She saw that Willow was there—good. She didn´t have to make a special tip to her and Tara´s place like she had thought she was going to do. Willow was there along with Tara, and Xander at their usual seats looking through stacks of books on the table. It distinctly looked like a research party going on, and Buffy began to get worried that there was something going on demonwise she didn´t know about.
"Hi guys," Buffy cheerful called as she came down the steps since no one had noticed their arrival yet. "What´s up? Research party I didn´t know about?´ she asked coming closer to the table to see what had their interest. Dawn mumbled hellos to the Scoobies which they gave back, then took a chair on the other side of the table away from everyone, and grabbed up the nearest book just to have something to do, and to ignore her sister until they could leave.
"Hi Buff, Dawny, no nothing that bad. Just new books that the Watcher´s Council just sent Giles. All the stuff we asked for months ago about Glory we are finally getting now that it is all over, " Willow sighed, shaking her head.
"Yeah, that sounds about right for that group. They do know that Glory is gone, don´t they?" Buffy asked.
"Giles let them know. They were rather surprised that we handled the problem, and survived as well as we did," Willow replied.
"Yeah, but it did cost us a lot. So they sent us books, anything interesting in them?" Buffy asked, seeing some Watcher´s diaries in the pile as well.
"Dunno yet, they just arrived about an hour ago by UPS. So what´s you guys up to? Just wandering through?" her friend asked, noting that Dawn didn´t look into happy of a mood.
"Sort of. Had to go have a discussion with Spike over Dawn," Buffy told her and saw her witchy friend flinch.
"Nothing serious I hope? I didn´t know you knew that he moved?" she asked, warily now, darting worried glances at both Tara, and Xander for support.
"Not until today. Dawn told me he swore everyone of you all to secrecy, and why, but it still hurts that no one wanted to tell me what was happening. Am I that bad of a bitcha?" Buffy asked seriously, folding her arms, and eyeing each of them in turn wanting an answer.
Willow looked flustered, and unsure how honest to really be with her friend. She chewed her lip nervously, and stuttered, "when it comes to things Spike related—yeah, you tend to lose it. No one was trying to keep secrets, he just wanted to wait to show you he had changed. He´s not like he used to be. Even Giles is impressed."
"Hell, I´m impressed, and you know Spike, and I have not been the best of buds," Xander stuck in his two cents worth, having been listening to the conversation. "He´s really not pulling a scam, Buffy. This is for real."
Buffy felt betrayed and hurt. They were actually taking the vampire´s side, and protecting him from her. "So everyone, but me knew about all this? Spike´s all forgiven for all the stuff he´s done? No! Not with me he´s not," she asked controlling her temper as best she could looking at the shocked, and dismayed faces of her friends, or at least whom she thought were her friends. She wasn´t even sure of that now. "No, I´m not handling this. I´m going back to the training room—now," she announced, and took off for the back room to beat out her frustration, and anger on the punching bag rather than her friends.
"That went well," Xander commented watching Buffy backside retreat in a huff. "I told you, and Spike that you should have broke this to her earlier. Now she´s pissed at all of us."
"I was just doing what Spike wanted. She knows now, and she´ll just have to deal with it," Willow said, still feeling Buffy´s anger. Then looking over to Dawn she asked her. "Was it bad?"
"So so. They stood there, and yelled at one another at his apartment. No one came to real blows, or any bloodshed. She found out about the stuff he gave me. That´s what started it, along with her asking me why he hadn´t been around bothering her. She finally noticed after like weeks, " the teenager told them. "But he got her to back down, and keep off my case."
"He got Buffy to back down? That doesn´t happen too often," Xander said impressed.
"He did. But he had been expecting her to act like this, so it wasn´t that big of a deal. I just wish I could figure out why his doing good is making her so mad. I think she´s just nuts," Dawn said picking up her book again, one of the Watcher´s journals to leaf through it.
"Not nuts, something else I think. They´ve been kind of like this since the spell, and Riley," Willow said thoughtfully.
"You don´t think Buffy really does love Spike do you? That would be too weird. Like with the spell they were all over one another, but that was only the spell—right?" Xander asked worriedly.
"I thought so too, but remember that the spell was only for them to get married, not for them to be in love, or want one another. That part they did all on their own. Spells like that don´t work the way it did unless there is something as a base to cause feelings like they were showing to come out. But she keeps denying that there is anything between them," Willow sighed.
Willow had always wondered about why the supposed enemies at the time had been all over each other—so had everyone else, but they had assumed at the time just like her it was because of the spell nothing more. What had confused her was that the spell never said a thing about love or sex, just marriage. The two had been so heavily into smooching, and being so cute, and cuddly with each other that it had blown everyone away—if not nauseated a few of them. But she had been too embarrassed by her actions of casting the spell to begin with to even analyze the situation too closely at the time Buffy after it was over had forbidden her to ever, ever speak of the incident again—not even in jest. The reactions of the two afterward had been so polar opposite of the spell, it had puzzled everyone. The bickering between them pre spell had been bad before, but it seemed much worse after Riley became a part of Buffy´s life, and before Spike moved to his own crypt away from everyone. Though no one had too much time to think about much of anything because of the Initative, so all these early warning signs had been missed.
She had also missed Buffy´s attraction to Spike from the first time they met too. Lots of odd conversations with her friend, and sometimes severe reactions Buffy had had to the vampire began to suddenly make sense to Willow along with things that he had said about Buffy, or had did. Damn, they all had been so blind she realized suddenly as it all sunk in.
"I think it is denial. The way she acts around him, yeah, there is something, but she´s fighting it. Maybe she´s fighting it because of our reactions to him over the years?" Xander questioned, looking at his long time friend. "They act like a couple of kids in grade school that like one another, but don´t want to admit they really do. Remember how we used to fight back, and forth when we were kids, and all the denial we went through that one time?" he asked her.
"Yeah, but we never did all the screaming, and fighting those two do—did we?" she questioned, raising a eyebrow as Tara and Dawn looked on amused.
"No, but we weren´t mortal enemies, and had people down on our cases about our choices in people either."
"True, so what you are saying is that we´re all partially responsible for Buffy´s problem right now because we put down her choice in men, and if she does really care about Spike, but is afraid to act on it it´s because she wants our approval first, so now we have to convince her it´s okay now?"
"Yeah, something like that," Xander replied a bit dazed, trying to follow Willows convoluted logic.
"Okay, that should be that much of a problem—I hope," Willow told him, and began thinking on what they could do to make things right.
"But this is Buffy we are taking about, and her being involved with another one of the undead. Riley was the only normal mortal guy she has had any long term with, and he wasn´t all that normal when they first met. Then she almost got with Ben. I shudder now at how close a real disaster that was. She just seems to have problems connecting with normal guys. She probably thinks that if she gets with Spike than that would be a confirmation that all she can hook up with are not normal guys," Xander commented taking a sip of his drink.
"Well, she´s not normal, but we keep trying to tell her she is. We have to figure out how to convince her that not normal´ is good too. Let´s face it none of us have any room to talk about normal´ ourselves," Willow said pointedly.
"Yeah, you do have a point Will," Xander admitted, and he was the most normal person in the entire group and occasionally there were doubts about that too. "So who´s going to volunteer to do the talk´," he asked looking around the table, but mainly to Willow.
"Me? Why me? You´re her friend too," Willow said at Xander´s look.
"Isn´t this kind of a girl thing?"
"Yes—no—maybe? I dunno. Maybe both of us?" she suggested, "it´ll sound better coming from both of us."
"Fine, we´ll do tag team. But the sooner we do this the better. I´m not going to have her screw up Spike, and make us all miserable with her gripping about him when he doesn´t deserve it, Xander replied and got up from his chair, and waited for Willow to get out of hers.
"Okay, let´s go do this,. She ought to calmer now—I hope," Willow sighed, and got up to follow her friend back to the workout room. "Be back in a bit," she told Tara, and her girlfriend gave her a reassuring smile. and murmured, "good luck," before they left to face the Buffy beast.
Buffy was still aggressively beating up on the punching bag when they came in. Buffy stopped, as she her the door open and felt them come in. She turned to regard them both cautiously already knowing something was up by their nervousness as they came into the room. "Hi, guys, what´s up?" she asked, picking up a towel, and wiping off her face. And upper body.
"Not much, but I think we need to talk. I think we were wrong about a bunch of stuff, and about you and certain other people," Xander ventured, and flinched back when he saw Buffy´s eyes begin to narrow, and look from one to the other of them suspiciously.
"Other people, and me? This has something to do with a certain blonde pest doesn´t it?"
"Umm yeah, but not entirely, Buffy. We think we were wrong on the whole normal guy thing. So was Angel. You are you-- a slayer, and normal guys—well, they just don´t work out too well, you know," Willow spoke up.
"Yeah? But I haven´t given up on the idea of that yet. I still want normal, okay?" Buffy shot back, controlling her anger.
"But what if we were all wrong? Maybe not normal´ is what you need after all? Look at us--We´re not all normal either, well I am, I guess, but hey, I´m marrying an ex demon. Will and Tara are witches, Dawn still is something, or the other, Giles is sort of wizardly, and Oz was a werewolf, and Cordy now is a seer. Weird is our world, and we have all tried to fit in with the real world, but after all of what we have been through, it´s changed us all in some way. Maybe the problem has been all along that you needed someone like yourself that isn´t going to get hurt, or freak out over what you do, and are. Someone that does accept you all the way," Xander told her calmly.
"Someone like Spike--you mean?" Buffy questioned with a sneer, standing with her arms folded against her chest, glaring at her friends for even suggesting such a thing, and trying to interfere in her lovelife or lack there of. They were trying to play match maker between her, and a vampire—this was too strange, and sad.
"Yeah, someone like Spike," Xander shot back not flinching back from Buffy´s angry looks at both of them. "Maybe were wrong all this time about you, and vampires. We were wrong about him, and Angel—they are on our side, and good guys, And maybe too it´s our fault that because we were so negative about them, you were afraid that if you took up with another one you´d lose us as friends. I know I pushed you that way—we all know we pushed you that way. So that if you did have any feelings for Spike you ignored them because if you admitted you liked the guy then we´d turn on you because you were supposed to hate him," Xander said carefully.
"You really expect me to buy this it´s okay now crap?" Buffy asked. "I don´t feel a thing for Spike. Yeah, I´m grateful for his help, and all, but I am not that´ grateful that I would fall right into his arms because he´s all manly, or whatever!" Buffy said, trying to keep her cool. "Did he put you guys up to this?" she asked suspiciously.
Willow shook her head, and saw that their suspicions weren´t off at all. Buffy was showing every classic sign of denial. "Nope, this is just us talking, and watching how miserable you are. And also how you react, and have been reacting for a long time to him, or any mention of him. Admit it at least to yourself that you do care about him, and have for a long time. You wouldn´t have acted the way you did under the spell unless there was some sort of feeling there—both of you wouldn´t have because you two were practically taking off each other´s clothes at Giles´ apartment."
"WE WERE NOT! It was the spell. It wasn´t me—it really wasn´t me. And him—I don´t know what his problem was—is—whatever. I´m not in love with Spike. I can´t be in love with Spike! It´s just wrong," Buffy protested, trying not to blush too and failing.
"Okay—okay--maybe it´s not love, but there is something major there going on between the two of you. Even I can feel, and see it. The point is, is maybe it´s not wrong after all. Maybe slayers, and vampires are supposed to get together because you are so much alike. And maybe the Council was wrong like a lot of things they have told us were wrong. Like vampires being unable to change their natures, or have real feelings. Let´s face it Spike never has been a typical vampire since any of us have known him. Now he´s even more harmless, and being almost human. Vampire, or not he´s also been the only guy to stay around no matter what has happened—that ought to count for something too," Xander told her.
"You through?" Buffy asked through clenched teeth, just barely keeping herself in check. She really didn´t want to have an out and out fight with her two closest friends, but one more word about how Spike had changed, and was suddenly okay she was going to, and it wasn´t going to be pretty.
"Yeah, I guess," Xander said sadly looking at his friend, and her stony expression. He already knew nothing had gotten through to her. "Come on Will, it looks like we wasted our time—again," he told his oldest friend.
Willow had seen Buffy face too—she called it the mask´ which Buffy always put up to hide whatever was really going on behind those burning hazel eyes. Some of their words had gotten though, but this one of those things that Buffy herself would have to work though for herself. "Yeah, it does too. All we were trying to do, Buffy, was make you feel better about the situation, and let you know it was okay with us. It just seems like we made it worse, I´m sorry. We won´t bring it up again," Willow said, turning to leave.
"Good, because this is not a matter for debate--ever. But I will cut Spike some slack, but that is all. I can see he´s trying, and I don´t really want to mess that up. But him, and me together—no way in Hell, and let´s just leave it at that," Buffy said as they were leaving, and they both paused then nodded in understanding before they went back out the door to leave her alone.
After they left and shut the door Buffy attacked the punching bag full force, assaulting it which a savage ferocity she hadn´t dismayed in a long time. She kept hitting it, and hitting it, growling out her frustrations until the sounds she made were no longer human sounding. Her breath was coming in ragged gasps until she collapsed upon her knees on the floor mat spent physically at last. However, the emotional war in her head had grown to epic proportions, and was totally wrecking all the sense of peace she had regained since the they all had been running for their lives to protect Dawn, and the battle itself.
Until now she hadn´t had to really think about Spike since they had been avoiding one another after they had saved Dawn, and the Universe from total destruction--again. Mainly she hadn´t wanted to because she wasn´t ready to deal with him, or any of the unfinished business between them. She still had a long list of things she hadn´t forgiven him about, things that the gang only knew of in vague terms, or sometimes not at all. They had missed out on a lot of the confrontational conversations that she had had with the vampire. Especially the more personal ones that still stung, and hurt months, and in some cases years after the fact. He knew how to get to her under her skin better than anyone did. Her head, and heart were two places that she didn´t want anyone in. Not after Angel. Not after Riley. But damn him, he had already slipped in when she wasn´t looking, and she wasn´t liking it at all.
Yeah, he had been changing prior to his torture by Glory—she hadn´t been as obvious as they all thought she had been. But couldn´t they also see that he had been doing it to only get close to her, and not for any other reason? She didn´t want his supposed changing to be only about her, and Dawn or the gang. If it was real than it had to be about, and with people beyond her, and the Scoobies. Maybe that was too much to hope for? But if he could do good for strangers he had never met, and didn´t have a personal stake in the situation, then it would prove he was really sincere.
Now that she had made up her mind on the conditions of his proving to her he was sincere in changing, she had to figure out the means to deliver the message. Somehow she wasn´t trusting the gang to do it for her, or Dawn either, nor should they have to act as go betweens. This was personal which meant she had to do herself, but could she now after the hissy fit she had thrown at his place? She did owe him apology. He really hadn´t done anything wrong, not really. It had been her overacting again without all the facts. Before this got any worse, and strained between them, along with her messing things up she would have to go see him. Which meant tonight alone. Suddenly, she had butterflies in her stomach at just the thought, and just as quickly tamped them down. He was not going to get to her. This was an apology nothing more.... Just business.... Nothing else.... There was no else. But why did she hear mocking laughter in her head as she walked to the door to apologize to her friends, and to see if they could keep an eye on Dawn for a while?
End Part 2
Feedback? Vickey aka Phoenixstitch at: vbmacky1@yahoo.com
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