Part 24
With no small amount of internal struggle, Angel walked away from the
sound of Buffy's crying. He wished he knew how to break through the
walls she'd put up between them. She'd always been stubborn, but
she'd never had a problem leaning on him for emotional support
before. He shook his head and tried to think of something else.
Contemplating this situation much longer would give him a headache,
on top of the searing pain of the knife wound. He changed into blue
jeans and a white button-down shirt, careful not to aggravate his
injury. Buffy had taped up the wound, but too much movement would
pull the edges of the wound apart and make him bleed more.
He then walked a few doors down to the room Cordelia sometimes used
after late-night demon fights. He remembered she kept some extra
clothes in the closet and when he checked, all that was hanging there
was a short black skirt and black tank top. Very Cordelia, very
slinky. He sighed but grabbed them, hoping Buffy wouldn't assume
anything by this.
He walked back downstairs and frowned as he found the lobby empty.
She'd been in that bathroom for fifteen minutes. He was very worried
and decided to hell with her 'need' to be alone. He knocked on the
bathroom door and after a few seconds she opened it. She didn't meet
his eyes, but he could see the evidence she'd been crying. He was
relieved, though, as he could see the bulge of a bandage on her upper
arm under the shirt sleeve. At least she'd had the presence of mind
to clean and bandage her wound.
"I brought you something to change into," he said, handing her the
item. "It's Cordelia's, she keeps extras for emergencies. You need to
get out of those wet clothes."
Buffy took it nodding, still not looking up at him. She was too angry
with herself for letting him see her lose it like that.
"It's... there wasn't anything else," he said apologetically.
She smiled and looked up at him then. "They're fine." she said
softly. She had assumed when he mentioned the clothes were from
Cordelia that they would be very... revealing? She hadn't even
questioned Angel's motives. "Thank you," she added.
"I'll be in the lobby," Angel replied, feeling more relieved. He
walked out and sat on the couch.
**************
1 a.m.
Buffy made herself look as presentable as possible, then walked out
to the lobby. She had the chance to look at Angel a moment unnoticed,
as he was resting on the couch, eyes closed. He had changed into a
white, button-down shirt and blue jeans. She was glad that he didn't
appear to be in too much pain. Her heart caught in her throat again
as she remembered how close she'd come to losing him. If she'd had to
watch him die, as she'd had to do with Riley....
She shook those thoughts away; fate couldn't be that cruel. Hadn't it
toyed with Angel and her enough? She had to believe that things would
be different this time. She and Angel had been given another chance,
for a reason other than the torture of being torn apart again. Even
if she was afraid to admit it to him, she'd realized earlier that
night that she felt for him was more than a lingering physical
attraction. She still loved Angel, despite the fact that she'd spent
twenty years trying to stop.
She cleared her throat to alert him to her presence, and his eyes
snapped open. His expression softened as his eyes met hers and she
smiled slightly. She'd been slightly chilled when she walked out, but
the look in his eyes as he let his gaze travel down her warmed her.
Angel wasn't sure how, but he managed to keep himself from drooling.
She'd fixed her makeup and hair again; he vaguely remembered she'd
carried her purse into the bathroom with her. He let his eyes travel
downward and stifled a groan as she noticed the obvious lack of a
bra. He quickly moved his eyes further downward and sighed. The skirt
was incredibly short, it hit mid-thigh. Angel was grateful for that
as he got a glimpse of her legs, well toned and muscular from her
need to keep in shape.
He snapped his eyes back up to her face as he didn't want to make her
feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze. The lustful
expression in her eyes surprised him, but then it was gone so quickly
he doubted he'd even seen it. Whatever it was he'd seen earlier,
she'd put the walls back up. He didn't have a clue what she was
feeling.
"I should go," Buffy said. She was feeling a jumble of emotions, none
of which were safe for her to be feeling when she was alone with
Angel. She turned, but the sound of his voice stopped her.
"Please don't leave like this," he said softly.
She turned back and the sorrowful look in his eyes when she did hurt
her to see. "I need to," she said with a shrug. "I just..." she
sighed and looked away, anywhere but in his face. "I can't do this
right now."
"Do _what_, Buffy?" Angel said, standing up and walking over to her.
He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice, but it was
difficult to do. "I thought we were having a good evening...that is,
until we got in the fight with those gang members. But now, after
that, you can't get away from me fast enough. I thought we were
friends, but I guess I was mistaken if you can't trust me enough to
talk to me about what you're feeling."
Buffy felt like he'd been slapped in the face but she also knew
that's how he probably had felt when she kept pushing him away. "I'm
sorry if I made you doubt that I think of you as a friend," she said
finally, looking up at him. "That's not the case at all. I just..."
She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. She looked
back up at him, "You could've died," she said. "You still could, and
that fact scares me. I can't lose you, not again."
Angel put his fingers under her chin, forcing her to meet his
gaze. "Buffy, I know I hurt you unbelievably when I left you. But
things are different now. I'm not going anywhere this time. I
promise you aren't going to lose me again."
"Angel, you can't promise something like that," Buffy argued, pulling
away from him. "You can't _not_ help people; it's who you are. But
helping people puts you in constant danger. And I wouldn't ask you to
change that, it would be like asking you to become a different
person. But now that you're human, it's just that much more likely
that you're going to die someday, and I won't be able to save you!!"
The tears started to fall again, and Angel reached for her, but she
stepped back. "NO!" she yelled, "Don't you get it, Angel?! You're
safer staying as far away from me as possible! If you don't believe
ME, just ask Mom....or Riley..." She fell to her knees as she
continued crying, staring sightlessly into space.
Angel wished there was something he could do to take away even a
little of her pain. He knew the pain of losing people you loved, and
he understood her guilt. Even though she was wrong, those deaths
weren't her fault. How could he convince her of that though?
He walked over to her and knelt down beside her, hesitantly. He
didn't want to spook her away, the last thing he wanted was for her
to drive off in this emotional state. She seemed oblivious to him,
lost in her own pain, so he inched closer and grabbed her good
arm. "Buffy, Joyce and Riley... those deaths were not your fault."
Buffy shook her head, pulling her arm away. "How can you say that? I
should've BEEN there, that demon was looking for me and instead he
found Mom ..." Her face contorted in pain, and she clutched her
stomach. "Oh God, there was so much blood..."
Buffy didn't know if she was making any sense, all she knew was the
pain. She had to make him understand how much better off he'd be
without her. She looked at him, adding, "If that's not proof enough
about how dangerous it is to be around me, you should've seen what
happened to Riley!"
"NOO! YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Buffy screamed at the vampire. She
could do nothing but watch in horror as the vampire thrust his hand
into Riley's chest and ripped it out. "NOO!" She screamed again, as
she ripped free of the spell. Too late to save her husband, though.
Always too late.
"Buffy, you are NOT to blame," Angel repeated. He was devastated at
seeing her in this much pain. "You couldn't save them, but that
doesn't mean you are responsible for their murders."
"I AM RESPONSIBLE! I'M THE SLAYER! I'M SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THE
INNOCENT! WHAT GOOD AM I IF I COULDN'T EVEN SAVE THE PEOPLE I LOVED
MOST IN THIS WORLD!" She drew in a shaky breath, and said, between
sobs. "I should've done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to keep that from
happening! I should have made Mom leave Sunnydale. And Riley...who
was I kidding? I shouldn't have let him anywhere near me! Everyone I
touch, everyone who loves me, they all DIE!" She could hardly catch
her breath, she was crying so hard.
"No," Angel said, pulling her into his arms quickly. She fought him,
trying to get away; but he didn't let go. "No, you listen to me,
Buffy. Joyce did not die because she was your mother; Riley did not
die because he was your husband. They were innocent victims, but so
were you. You're not doomed." He sighed with relief, as she stopped
fighting him finally and let him hold her.
Buffy realized he wasn't going to let go of her, and gave in to the
comfort of being in his arms. She felt so safe. "I want to believe
that," she said quietly, as the tears subsided. "I just can't watch
you die too."
Angel just held her tighter, understanding her fear. He'd lived those
same fears himself, giving up his humanity when he was told it would
cause her death. But this wasn't like that last time, his being human
now wasn't a mistake. It was meant to be. They weren't going to be
torn apart again, he knew this with no doubt whatsoever. If only he
knew how to make her believe this too.
"It's going to be different this time," Angel said. "I said it
before, and I meant it. I'm not going anywhere. I wish I could make
you believe that, trust me, maybe someday you can again."
Buffy sighed. She already did trust him. If she didn't, she wouldn't
have let him hold her like this. She was afraid though, that she was
trusting him more than she should. He had the ability to hurt her so
much, why was she putting herself through it again? *Because I still
love him.* She answered her own question.
**************
With no small amount of internal struggle, Angel walked away from the
sound of Buffy's crying. He wished he knew how to break through the
walls she'd put up between them. She'd always been stubborn, but
she'd never had a problem leaning on him for emotional support
before. He shook his head and tried to think of something else.
Contemplating this situation much longer would give him a headache,
on top of the searing pain of the knife wound. He changed into blue
jeans and a white button-down shirt, careful not to aggravate his
injury. Buffy had taped up the wound, but too much movement would
pull the edges of the wound apart and make him bleed more.
He then walked a few doors down to the room Cordelia sometimes used
after late-night demon fights. He remembered she kept some extra
clothes in the closet and when he checked, all that was hanging there
was a short black skirt and black tank top. Very Cordelia, very
slinky. He sighed but grabbed them, hoping Buffy wouldn't assume
anything by this.
He walked back downstairs and frowned as he found the lobby empty.
She'd been in that bathroom for fifteen minutes. He was very worried
and decided to hell with her 'need' to be alone. He knocked on the
bathroom door and after a few seconds she opened it. She didn't meet
his eyes, but he could see the evidence she'd been crying. He was
relieved, though, as he could see the bulge of a bandage on her upper
arm under the shirt sleeve. At least she'd had the presence of mind
to clean and bandage her wound.
"I brought you something to change into," he said, handing her the
item. "It's Cordelia's, she keeps extras for emergencies. You need to
get out of those wet clothes."
Buffy took it nodding, still not looking up at him. She was too angry
with herself for letting him see her lose it like that.
"It's... there wasn't anything else," he said apologetically.
She smiled and looked up at him then. "They're fine." she said
softly. She had assumed when he mentioned the clothes were from
Cordelia that they would be very... revealing? She hadn't even
questioned Angel's motives. "Thank you," she added.
"I'll be in the lobby," Angel replied, feeling more relieved. He
walked out and sat on the couch.
**************
1 a.m.
Buffy made herself look as presentable as possible, then walked out
to the lobby. She had the chance to look at Angel a moment unnoticed,
as he was resting on the couch, eyes closed. He had changed into a
white, button-down shirt and blue jeans. She was glad that he didn't
appear to be in too much pain. Her heart caught in her throat again
as she remembered how close she'd come to losing him. If she'd had to
watch him die, as she'd had to do with Riley....
She shook those thoughts away; fate couldn't be that cruel. Hadn't it
toyed with Angel and her enough? She had to believe that things would
be different this time. She and Angel had been given another chance,
for a reason other than the torture of being torn apart again. Even
if she was afraid to admit it to him, she'd realized earlier that
night that she felt for him was more than a lingering physical
attraction. She still loved Angel, despite the fact that she'd spent
twenty years trying to stop.
She cleared her throat to alert him to her presence, and his eyes
snapped open. His expression softened as his eyes met hers and she
smiled slightly. She'd been slightly chilled when she walked out, but
the look in his eyes as he let his gaze travel down her warmed her.
Angel wasn't sure how, but he managed to keep himself from drooling.
She'd fixed her makeup and hair again; he vaguely remembered she'd
carried her purse into the bathroom with her. He let his eyes travel
downward and stifled a groan as she noticed the obvious lack of a
bra. He quickly moved his eyes further downward and sighed. The skirt
was incredibly short, it hit mid-thigh. Angel was grateful for that
as he got a glimpse of her legs, well toned and muscular from her
need to keep in shape.
He snapped his eyes back up to her face as he didn't want to make her
feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze. The lustful
expression in her eyes surprised him, but then it was gone so quickly
he doubted he'd even seen it. Whatever it was he'd seen earlier,
she'd put the walls back up. He didn't have a clue what she was
feeling.
"I should go," Buffy said. She was feeling a jumble of emotions, none
of which were safe for her to be feeling when she was alone with
Angel. She turned, but the sound of his voice stopped her.
"Please don't leave like this," he said softly.
She turned back and the sorrowful look in his eyes when she did hurt
her to see. "I need to," she said with a shrug. "I just..." she
sighed and looked away, anywhere but in his face. "I can't do this
right now."
"Do _what_, Buffy?" Angel said, standing up and walking over to her.
He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice, but it was
difficult to do. "I thought we were having a good evening...that is,
until we got in the fight with those gang members. But now, after
that, you can't get away from me fast enough. I thought we were
friends, but I guess I was mistaken if you can't trust me enough to
talk to me about what you're feeling."
Buffy felt like he'd been slapped in the face but she also knew
that's how he probably had felt when she kept pushing him away. "I'm
sorry if I made you doubt that I think of you as a friend," she said
finally, looking up at him. "That's not the case at all. I just..."
She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. She looked
back up at him, "You could've died," she said. "You still could, and
that fact scares me. I can't lose you, not again."
Angel put his fingers under her chin, forcing her to meet his
gaze. "Buffy, I know I hurt you unbelievably when I left you. But
things are different now. I'm not going anywhere this time. I
promise you aren't going to lose me again."
"Angel, you can't promise something like that," Buffy argued, pulling
away from him. "You can't _not_ help people; it's who you are. But
helping people puts you in constant danger. And I wouldn't ask you to
change that, it would be like asking you to become a different
person. But now that you're human, it's just that much more likely
that you're going to die someday, and I won't be able to save you!!"
The tears started to fall again, and Angel reached for her, but she
stepped back. "NO!" she yelled, "Don't you get it, Angel?! You're
safer staying as far away from me as possible! If you don't believe
ME, just ask Mom....or Riley..." She fell to her knees as she
continued crying, staring sightlessly into space.
Angel wished there was something he could do to take away even a
little of her pain. He knew the pain of losing people you loved, and
he understood her guilt. Even though she was wrong, those deaths
weren't her fault. How could he convince her of that though?
He walked over to her and knelt down beside her, hesitantly. He
didn't want to spook her away, the last thing he wanted was for her
to drive off in this emotional state. She seemed oblivious to him,
lost in her own pain, so he inched closer and grabbed her good
arm. "Buffy, Joyce and Riley... those deaths were not your fault."
Buffy shook her head, pulling her arm away. "How can you say that? I
should've BEEN there, that demon was looking for me and instead he
found Mom ..." Her face contorted in pain, and she clutched her
stomach. "Oh God, there was so much blood..."
Buffy didn't know if she was making any sense, all she knew was the
pain. She had to make him understand how much better off he'd be
without her. She looked at him, adding, "If that's not proof enough
about how dangerous it is to be around me, you should've seen what
happened to Riley!"
"NOO! YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Buffy screamed at the vampire. She
could do nothing but watch in horror as the vampire thrust his hand
into Riley's chest and ripped it out. "NOO!" She screamed again, as
she ripped free of the spell. Too late to save her husband, though.
Always too late.
"Buffy, you are NOT to blame," Angel repeated. He was devastated at
seeing her in this much pain. "You couldn't save them, but that
doesn't mean you are responsible for their murders."
"I AM RESPONSIBLE! I'M THE SLAYER! I'M SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THE
INNOCENT! WHAT GOOD AM I IF I COULDN'T EVEN SAVE THE PEOPLE I LOVED
MOST IN THIS WORLD!" She drew in a shaky breath, and said, between
sobs. "I should've done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to keep that from
happening! I should have made Mom leave Sunnydale. And Riley...who
was I kidding? I shouldn't have let him anywhere near me! Everyone I
touch, everyone who loves me, they all DIE!" She could hardly catch
her breath, she was crying so hard.
"No," Angel said, pulling her into his arms quickly. She fought him,
trying to get away; but he didn't let go. "No, you listen to me,
Buffy. Joyce did not die because she was your mother; Riley did not
die because he was your husband. They were innocent victims, but so
were you. You're not doomed." He sighed with relief, as she stopped
fighting him finally and let him hold her.
Buffy realized he wasn't going to let go of her, and gave in to the
comfort of being in his arms. She felt so safe. "I want to believe
that," she said quietly, as the tears subsided. "I just can't watch
you die too."
Angel just held her tighter, understanding her fear. He'd lived those
same fears himself, giving up his humanity when he was told it would
cause her death. But this wasn't like that last time, his being human
now wasn't a mistake. It was meant to be. They weren't going to be
torn apart again, he knew this with no doubt whatsoever. If only he
knew how to make her believe this too.
"It's going to be different this time," Angel said. "I said it
before, and I meant it. I'm not going anywhere. I wish I could make
you believe that, trust me, maybe someday you can again."
Buffy sighed. She already did trust him. If she didn't, she wouldn't
have let him hold her like this. She was afraid though, that she was
trusting him more than she should. He had the ability to hurt her so
much, why was she putting herself through it again? *Because I still
love him.* She answered her own question.
**************