Saturday
Buffy woke the next morning, as the sunlight streaming through the
windows brought her to consciousness. The first thing she realized
was there were strong arms holding her close to a warm body. She
opened her eyes as she remembered then that the warm body was
Angel's.
Her mind told her she should be disturbed by that fact, but she
quickly told the voices to shut up. She looked at her watch, it was
almost ten a.m. She couldn't believe she'd slept so long, and so
well. She never slept that well. *I guess I really do feel safe with
Angel* she realized. *Safe enough to sleep better than I have in at
least a year.*
Now, in the light of day, she also realized something. *I've lost so
many people in my life that I've loved, but that doesn't mean I
regret letting myself love them. At least they _knew_ how I felt.
That has to mean something, doesn't it?*
"Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all," she
murmured. She couldn't remember who said it, but she did remember
she'd hated it when she'd read it in highschool. *It was too
depressing. What was so great about loving someone if you were only
going to lose them in the end? I didn't understand the sentiment back
then, I guess. I was too young to understand, even if I did think of
myself and Angel as a modern-day Romeo-and-Juliet.
Now I understand, though. Even though it hurt so much losing Angel, I
never regretted loving him. Even if I told myself otherwise. Same
with Riley. I did love him, though our love was different from what
Angel and I shared. Even though I outlived Riley, I can't regret the
time we shared.
And now, here I am again, with the opportunity to try again with
Angel. Whoever said time isn't cyclical is definitely not paying
attention. So I have two choices. One: I can keep Angel at an arms'
distance, as a friend. Yeah, that's safe, boring. Dangerous, too.
Because what if he dies without knowing how I really feel about him?
Then, the other choice. I can tell him how I feel, and risk losing
everything. My sanity, all sense of control over my life. Him. But I
could lose him even if I didn't tell him. What do I have to gain by
telling him?* She already knew the answer. *That's easy. What I've
got at the moment, but so much more. Waking up next to Angel every
morning. Feeling his arms holding me for the rest of our lives.
Growing old with Angel. That last one is something new. Growing old
while Angel watches me do so, now that one was always a possibility.
But not growing old WITH Angel. Loving Angel, being loved by him...*
Angel had been awake from the moment he heard her speak. Hearing her
quote St. Augustine, of all people, that had been a surprise. He
smiled, it was just another reminder how much Buffy had matured since
he'd last been part of her life. The Buffy he remembered had hated
reading, basically hated school, back in highschool.
He didn't alert her to the fact he was awake now, obviously she was
working through something in her mind. He _was_ curious though, and
wished she would talk to him and tell her what she was thinking. He
could be patient, however. Especially since it was an added bonus
that she wasn't making any move to leave his arms.
"You awake?" she said so quietly he almost missed it.
He opened his eyes and saw her, her head laying on his chest, not
looking up into his eyes. She was tense. Nervous? Angel didn't know,
he couldn't see her eyes.
"Yeah," he replied, rubbing her back comfortingly. "You all right?"
"Just thinking," she said with a shrug. "And I decided I need to say
something. I can't let another day go without saying this, so just
let me." Angel didn't reply, so she continued. "I also don't want you
to feel obligated to say anything brilliant or profound in response.
Just listen to me. I need you to know this."
She seemed to be waiting for a reply, so he said, "You can tell me
anything, Buffy."
She took a deep breath and forced herself to stop being a coward. She
raised up on one elbow and met his eyes. She saw nothing but love in
his expression, which gave her added courage to say what she
wanted. "I love you, Angel. I never stopped. Not when you left, not
even when I decided to let you go and move on. I didn't even stop
loving you while I loved Riley. But when you came back to Sunnydale
the other night, I refused to face my feelings for you. Partially
because I'm still angry, and wanted to hurt you. Partially because I
couldn't stand the thought of going around in this circle again. But
I should have just faced things, Angel. You deserved - deserve - me
being as truthful with you as you are with me.
And when you got stabbed last night, it was like my worst nightmare
magnified a hundred times. I swear, my heart stopped. That's why I
lost it. I am so afraid of losing you again. I think it would
literally kill me, Angel, because I love you _so much_. But as
frightened as I am of losing you someday, I'm more frightened of
watching you die without you knowing how I feel about you."
******************
Buffy woke the next morning, as the sunlight streaming through the
windows brought her to consciousness. The first thing she realized
was there were strong arms holding her close to a warm body. She
opened her eyes as she remembered then that the warm body was
Angel's.
Her mind told her she should be disturbed by that fact, but she
quickly told the voices to shut up. She looked at her watch, it was
almost ten a.m. She couldn't believe she'd slept so long, and so
well. She never slept that well. *I guess I really do feel safe with
Angel* she realized. *Safe enough to sleep better than I have in at
least a year.*
Now, in the light of day, she also realized something. *I've lost so
many people in my life that I've loved, but that doesn't mean I
regret letting myself love them. At least they _knew_ how I felt.
That has to mean something, doesn't it?*
"Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all," she
murmured. She couldn't remember who said it, but she did remember
she'd hated it when she'd read it in highschool. *It was too
depressing. What was so great about loving someone if you were only
going to lose them in the end? I didn't understand the sentiment back
then, I guess. I was too young to understand, even if I did think of
myself and Angel as a modern-day Romeo-and-Juliet.
Now I understand, though. Even though it hurt so much losing Angel, I
never regretted loving him. Even if I told myself otherwise. Same
with Riley. I did love him, though our love was different from what
Angel and I shared. Even though I outlived Riley, I can't regret the
time we shared.
And now, here I am again, with the opportunity to try again with
Angel. Whoever said time isn't cyclical is definitely not paying
attention. So I have two choices. One: I can keep Angel at an arms'
distance, as a friend. Yeah, that's safe, boring. Dangerous, too.
Because what if he dies without knowing how I really feel about him?
Then, the other choice. I can tell him how I feel, and risk losing
everything. My sanity, all sense of control over my life. Him. But I
could lose him even if I didn't tell him. What do I have to gain by
telling him?* She already knew the answer. *That's easy. What I've
got at the moment, but so much more. Waking up next to Angel every
morning. Feeling his arms holding me for the rest of our lives.
Growing old with Angel. That last one is something new. Growing old
while Angel watches me do so, now that one was always a possibility.
But not growing old WITH Angel. Loving Angel, being loved by him...*
Angel had been awake from the moment he heard her speak. Hearing her
quote St. Augustine, of all people, that had been a surprise. He
smiled, it was just another reminder how much Buffy had matured since
he'd last been part of her life. The Buffy he remembered had hated
reading, basically hated school, back in highschool.
He didn't alert her to the fact he was awake now, obviously she was
working through something in her mind. He _was_ curious though, and
wished she would talk to him and tell her what she was thinking. He
could be patient, however. Especially since it was an added bonus
that she wasn't making any move to leave his arms.
"You awake?" she said so quietly he almost missed it.
He opened his eyes and saw her, her head laying on his chest, not
looking up into his eyes. She was tense. Nervous? Angel didn't know,
he couldn't see her eyes.
"Yeah," he replied, rubbing her back comfortingly. "You all right?"
"Just thinking," she said with a shrug. "And I decided I need to say
something. I can't let another day go without saying this, so just
let me." Angel didn't reply, so she continued. "I also don't want you
to feel obligated to say anything brilliant or profound in response.
Just listen to me. I need you to know this."
She seemed to be waiting for a reply, so he said, "You can tell me
anything, Buffy."
She took a deep breath and forced herself to stop being a coward. She
raised up on one elbow and met his eyes. She saw nothing but love in
his expression, which gave her added courage to say what she
wanted. "I love you, Angel. I never stopped. Not when you left, not
even when I decided to let you go and move on. I didn't even stop
loving you while I loved Riley. But when you came back to Sunnydale
the other night, I refused to face my feelings for you. Partially
because I'm still angry, and wanted to hurt you. Partially because I
couldn't stand the thought of going around in this circle again. But
I should have just faced things, Angel. You deserved - deserve - me
being as truthful with you as you are with me.
And when you got stabbed last night, it was like my worst nightmare
magnified a hundred times. I swear, my heart stopped. That's why I
lost it. I am so afraid of losing you again. I think it would
literally kill me, Angel, because I love you _so much_. But as
frightened as I am of losing you someday, I'm more frightened of
watching you die without you knowing how I feel about you."
******************