First Night
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, places, etc. except for Sebastian. All the rest belongs to the lovely J.K. Rowling who thought up all the great ideas!
Again, apologies to any ideas I have subconsciously nicked! I think this chapter is worse than the first, but read it anyway and see what you think!
I'd just like to thank all the people who reviewed the first chapter, and helped give me the confidence to write this chapter up extra quickly. Anyway, that's enough of my babble, here's the story:
Confessions and Acknowledgement
Severus Snape sat on one side of an old oak table nursing his hand as his identical brother, Sebastian prepared to finish his 16-year story of imprisonment. Severus held his hand where he had hit it on the table, trying to abate the awful stinging sensation he still felt.
'How you ask?' Said Sebastian to his twin as he chuckled in an ominously ironic tone.
'I sometimes wonder myself. I'd only been an Auror for two years at the time as you know, and not wishing to sound boastful of my abilities, I wasn't a bad one. Certainly not up to Mad-eye Moody standards, but capable of performing my duties well. Speaking of Mad-eye he was the Auror supervising this particular mission. We had heard wind of a Death-Eater recruitment meeting near Reading, so we put together a team featuring most of the country's premier Aurors. I was honoured to be part of it. I was actually amazed that Mad-eye would choose me to be part of that team. I'd only been fully qualified for a year following my training period with Arabella Figg. I know she thought I was a good Auror, she told me when I first met her that I had potential. I think I met up to her expectations, she's the kind of woman who would tell you if you hadn't' Sebastian's eyes began to glaze over as he remembered better times. Suddenly remembering the story he was meant to be telling he shook his head and carried on with his tale.
'Anyway, it was on this mission that Malfoy captured me. It appears someone had found out about our planned ambush shortly before we arrived. We came to the discreet suburban home they were using for their meeting and they were there, waiting. They hadn't even bothered to hide. Our opponents easily outnumbered us, three to one. In the time they had been waiting for us to arrive, they had even kitted the new recruits out in the standard Death-Eater masks and robes, so it was impossible to tell whether you were attacking a seasoned Death-Eater or an eighteen-year old boy. It was awful. As you can imagine, chaos ensued and, in the confusion as well stunning several Death Eaters, I was stunned myself. Unfortunately no one noticed and I lay there until Malfoy must have somehow taken me and transported me back to his manor house. I'm assuming as they could not find me and they had not noticed any of the Death Eaters leave, I was declared dead.
However, I was alive, and some hours later I was revived and I awoke to see Malfoy's face. I must admit I was shocked. Had the other Aurors not tried to stop my capture? Would they come to rescue me? I had little time to dwell on this thought though, as I was swiftly dragged to my feet by his rough hands. Laughing maliciously he walked in a small circle around me. I considered running for it, but at that point he raised his wand to my eye-level almost daring me to run away so that he would have the perfect opportunity to kill me. Being unarmed myself, I stood terrified on the spot moving only my eyes to follow Malfoy as he continued to circle me like a hungry vulture. Without warning he stopped in front of me, raising his wand with an evil smile. Then he…he …he used the cruciatus curse on me' Sebastian stopped his story and looked down into his lap as he fiddled with his hands. His voice had become very small and strained towards the end, and now he was trying to choke back a tear. Severus forgot his earlier anger towards Malfoy and walked over to his brother to place a protective hand on his shoulder. During the story, Severus had done little thinking for he felt so involved with the plight of his brother. Their twin bond allowed him to feel the shock and pain of his brother as if it was his own. Besides, he had already been the recipient of the cruciatus curse when he had displeased the Dark Lord. Thinking this, Severus felt an immense feeling of guilt wash over him as he suddenly remembered what he had been. What the mark on his arm meant he still had to pretend to be in his job as a double agent. The fact that he had been a Death Eater, weighed heavy on his heart, because he was part of the evil order that had helped to both capture and imprison his brother. Severus let go of his brother's shoulder feeling winded by the feeling, and staggered into his seat on the other side of the table. Sebastian's expression changed from one of remembered pain to one of brotherly concern.
'What's wrong Severus?' asked Sebastian 'It's not as if that torture happened recently, painful though it was, it's over and I can put it behind me.' Said Sebastian as he saw Severus go even more deathly white than he usually was, and he realised that it was something else which was concerning him.
'It's not that though is it Severus? What is it? You can still trust me you know!' Said Sebastian as the concern on his face made its way into his voice.
Severus now began to look down at his lap as his brother had earlier, but with a marked look of shame, rather than hurt. The thought that he had somehow been partly responsible for the confinement of his brother made him feel far more desperate than he ever had felt. At this point he felt even worse than the moment he had confessed all to Dumbledore, and that had previously been the worst day of his life. He knew now that he would have to confess to Sebastian, and it would be far worse than confessing to Dumbledore, both because he could only confess after hearing part of his brother's ordeal at the hands of a Death Eater, and again because of the strong bond that tied their souls. Taking a deep breath, he steadied his shaking hands, and gripped an arm of his chair for support. Breathing out once more, he sat upright as Sebastian shot him a quizzical look.
'I too have a story to tell' Severus began, trying not to look at the obvious love and concern in the face of the brother he was sure to lose again. 'I… I… I…' The words stuck in Severus' throat as he tried to say what would completely destroy him.
'You…?' coaxed Sebastian who was now thoroughly bemused.
'I… was a Death Eater.' Severus almost whispered the last part as he lowered his eyes to the floor and averted his face to prepare for the blow he was almost certain to receive from his brother.
'You…were a Death Eater?' Asked Sebastian quietly, in the hope that he had heard incorrectly.
'yes' Said Severus in a voice so small it was almost inaudible. His eyes remained glued to the floor as he could not bear to look his brother in the eye.
Sebastian stood up and began to pace the room in a restless sort of way. He stopped at several intervals during this pacing , wanting to say something but stopping himself before he said something he might regret. After about five minutes of this, all the while Severus staring intently at uneven stone floor, he spoke.
'Are you still one?' Asked Sebastian in voice that seemed to drain him of all energy. At that moment he felt a mixture of anger, hate, curiosity and disbelief. For some reason, one he could only put down to the fact that the thought of his brother kept him alive all these years, he still felt love for his brother. It was this thought alone that prevented him from hurling abuse at his brother, or worse beating him to a bloody pulp like some primal instinct inside of him wanted to.
Severus looked up at this. He had expected hate, abuse and pain from his brother, not this half-calm controlled voice. He should have expected a more calm answer to his confession however. As children, Sebastian had always been the peacekeeper. Often during their times at Hogwarts, he had prevented his fights between James Potter and his gang from escalating out of control. He had never kept his problems inside of himself though as Severus often had. Unlike his brother, Sebastian did not see crying as a form of weakness, and as a result kept less bottled up emotion. It was this that allowed him to control his temper as Severus had never been able to, and allow himself to keep more calm than he would have liked to whilst his brother explained himself. At this point he would prefer to view events objectively rather than make a rash judgement as a result of emotion.
Still in shock, Severus answered his brother's question. He coughed.
'No, Sebastian I am not' He said, recovering some of his voice. He was slightly pleased at the slight look of shock on his brother's face. He was further satisfied when the look of anger on his brother's face began to soften slightly. Gaining confidence from this he continued.
'I stopped being one after your 'death'. I felt so guilty I thought I would die. In fact a part of me died with you on that day. Even though you were not dead, it finally allowed me to feel the suffering that I helped to cause, both for the victims of the evil I had followed, and their families. I finally understood that it was not the rest of the world that I hated and wanted to punish, but myself. I understood that my isolation and hatred came from within, and not anything people like Potter and his cronies had caused. I can't deny that I still hate him, even after his death, but I despise myself more.
After this realisation I wandered around for days in a state of shock. People assumed it was merely as a result of your death. And it was partly, but I was also so filled with guilt I could hardly function. For about a week I did nothing, said nothing except to ask for more drinks in pubs in an attempt to forget everything I'd done in the service of You-Know-Who. I did eventually manage to pull myself together though, and it was then that I made my way to Hogwarts. At that moment I would have gladly received the Dementor's kiss if it meant I could do away with the guilt and the grief. I suppose it was fortunate however that Dumbledore decided that I would be much more use alive, and as a double agent. It was then that I began to live a strange half-life. Lying to both sides I must admit, but it was necessary to remain alive, and as a result useful to Dumbledore. If I gave too much away to Dumbledore, Voldemort would have become suspicious, but I also had to appease Voldemort with some information to prevent the awful pain he often chose to inflict upon me.' Severus stopped as Sebastian showed a little concern in his expression. As well as being much calmer than Severus in most situations, he also rarely held grudges for long.
'You mean he also used the cruciatus curse on you?' Asked Sebastian. He'd thought that it was a 'pleasure' reserved only for Voldemort's enemies.
'Unfortunately yes. Several times. Somehow it was worse every time. Like the amount of pain caused by each curse somehow magnified with each application. I suppose you remember how it feels though. You don't need me to remind you.
I'll understand if you want to leave now. I wouldn't want to be around me after what I've just told you. But I just want you to know that I am sorry. That word alone can do little to undo the things I have done, but I hope that in time, you could learn to forgive me?' Severus asked in a voice that suggested he had little hope of that ever happening. He once again bowed his head to stare at a spot on the floor. He lifted his hand to his face, but still could not hide the tear that appeared in the corner of his eye. Sebastian began to laugh. At first it was a mirthless laugh, that resounded off the walls like a hyena's cackle. Then, it began to change. It transfigured into a laugh of the past, full of humour and carefree fun. As the last peels of laughter rang around the room like a bell, he smiled.
'I love and miss you too much not to forgive you brother. It means more to me know that you hate yourself for what you have done than to apologise to me. You never directly hurt me anyway did you?' asked Sebastian as Severus shook his head. Sebastian once again stood up, and wandered around the room as he thought of what to say next.
'Anyway, you have begun to make amends for what you have done, have you not? The worst punishment is that which you make for yourself, and you seem to have suffered more at your own hand than any Dementor ever could make you. You are not essentially evil. I have known you since the womb, and believe me, if I would or ever could have hated you, I would have from birth. I can't deny that I am, and will continue to be angry with you for a while, but I will never hate you. Remember that.' At those last words, Sebastian had leant on the table to say them directly into Severus' eyes, whose face he had to lift up from its floor-watching vigil.
'Do you mean it?' Severus asked, with a happy look of hope dispersing over his features. He was in shock, having prepared for the loss of his brother after such a short reunion, rather than the loving forgiveness he could only have dreamed possible.
'If I didn't mean it, then why would I have said it? I do want to know one more thing though.' Asked Sebastian. Severus nodded, urging him to ask.
'Why did you become a Death Eater?' Severus had been expecting this question. Dumbledore had asked him on that horrible afternoon he had confessed, so it was only natural that his brother should also want to know.
'It really all boils down to a combination of factors. Firstly I became angry at the world. I felt I had been dealt a bad hand. My only friend in life my twin-not that I didn't appreciate your friendship Sebastian, but you have to understand that I wanted more.' Severus stopped, and saw Sebastian nodding in response to his statement. Sebastian motioned for him to continue.
'I also wanted power. I was always good at magic and learning, as were you. But I wanted a chance to use that knowledge, and my magical prowess for personal gain. That is one of the areas in which we differ brother. Your love of learning is for learning's sake, whilst I wanted it for ambitious purposes. To be the best. When I became a Death Eater that is what Voldemort offered me. Chances to improve my magical powers above all recognition. He promised me a lab to research potions, use of libraries the size of castles. He offered me a chance to succeed above my wildest dreams, but also introduced the possibility of revenge. Revenge against the world I had grown to hate for how it made me feel. A chance for revenge against people like Potter. And at that moment, I was so full of hatred and ambition I would have followed him to the ends of the earth.
The initiation was terrible. Mask upon mask in a circle whose size was unfathomable. It was every Death Eater's duty to attend the initiation rites, and so, there were hundreds there. Even though I could not see them, I knew every eye as on me and the small group of new 'blood' as we were called. Some of the others seemed terrified. I remember there was one small man there, he must have come up to my shoulder, and he was shaking like a leaf. To be vindictive, Voldemort chose him to be branded first. After swearing an oath of loyalty, he was made to bare his forearm. Voldemort muttered an incantation, and pressed the now glowing end of his wand to the man's naked skin. There was a repulsive smell of burning flesh, and the man screamed. He was obviously in agony, an agony which Voldemort prolonged because the man had shown such weakness. He chose me to go next Sebastian. I virtually shouted the pledge of loyalty to Voldemort and the rest of the room, and gritted my teeth to wait for the white-hot wand. The pain was even worse than the man's scream could possibly have communicated. Like a thousand knives stabbing at the same time as flames burnt my arm. I didn't scream though. To scream would be to have admitted weakness, to have asked for more pain.
I was the only one not to scream though. After the ceremony Voldemort told me I had great potential, that I was not as weak as appearances might have suggested. At this I was truly gratified. My pain would reward me with services and responsibilities I could never have believed possible. Sure enough, in a few months I was 'rewarded' by being allowed to take part in one of their latest missions. I did not know who my accomplices were. Only the team leaders were blessed with that knowledge. It reduced the possibility of betrayal. It was there that I made my first kill, brother. I don't know how I accomplished it. It somehow got easier after that first time. I never managed to achieve that perverse sense of pleasure some Death Eaters got from killing though. I simply learnt to detach myself. To pretend that it wasn't my hand, or my mouth performing deadly incantations. It was the only way to stay sane, and to stay alive.' Severus took a deep breath, suddenly realising how exhausting the telling of this story was for him. He rested for a few moments before continuing again. The anger seemed to have almost disappeared from Sebastian's face, being once again replaced by concern and pity.
'If you do not mind, I will finish this story quickly Sebastian. It is more exhausting the I would have deemed possible, and besides, I still need to hear the rest of your story.' Snape stopped and waited for Sebastian to speak, but he merely nodded. Severus continued.
'I rose quickly through the ranks of the Death Eaters. My skill at potions, and natural ability for learning certainly aided me in this. My detached attitude to killing helped, it allowed me to be more cautious in approaching attacks. Some of my counterparts drooled with anticipation for the killing, forgetting to look for simple traps and wards. It was my dislike for killing that led to the success of most of my missions, and led to me being looked upon fairly highly by my master. It was only after your 'death' that I realised I no longer wanted to carry on as I had. Killing merely to keep in favour with Voldemort, to achieve more status within the ranks of Death Eaters. I wanted to be free. Ironically, confession merely chained me further, both to the Dark Lord, and to Dumbledore. I am hoping that with your return I can begin to feel some of the freedom I have begun to work towards. Already you have alleviated some of my guilt, and I wish to thank you for that. Will you finish you story now?' Severus asked as he once again sank into his chair. He had told his story, and lightened his soul somewhat. It was now Sebastian's turn to do the same. Sebastian sat for several minutes fiddling with his hands to try and remember where he had left off. He twirled a piece of his hair around his finger, before putting it behind his ear. He held both his hands in his lap looking at them for inspiration, before starting his story once more.
Well, what did you think of this chapter? I got a bit carried away and wrote a completely different chapter than the one I had in mind! In the next chapter you'll find out exactly what Malfoy did to Sebastian. It would be nice if you could review and tell me what you reckon about this chapter!! Does anyone have any plot suggestions? I'm always open to any new ideas anyone may want to put forward! I'll try and have the next chapter up by Tuesday or Wednesday, but I might get lazy so I won't guarantee that!! Thanks for reading!