Buffy looked at Angel, waiting for him to react. He looked shocked,
and she couldn't blame him. There were also tears in his eyes, and she knew there were tears in hers.
He said, "What--"
Buffy's fingers at his mouth stopped him from continuing his
sentence. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "Don't you _dare_
make me say all that again," she warned. "I'll beat you up, I don't
care if you _are_ injured."
Angel chuckled. "No, I got it," he assured her with a smile. "I think
I do, anyway," he added. "As long as you don't wake me up from this
dream."
Buffy smiled and stroked his cheek gently. "You're already awake,"
she said. "So does that mean you consider this a good thing?"
Angel didn't know how he kept from doing what he wanted to do in
response to that question, which was taking her face in his hands and
crushing his lips to hers, taking away any doubts she might have as
to how much loved her. He wanted to do that, but at the same time he
knew they needed to take things slow. He'd hurt her so much in the
past, and he realized that she'd taken a huge risk, in her mind, by
telling him how she felt now. They still had a long way to go until
she could trust him completely, and he understood that.
Buffy wasn't sure how to take his silence. She couldn't help
wondering if she'd been a victim of severely bad timing in telling
him how she felt. Maybe she'd rejected him one time too many.
Rather than contemplate the "what ifs", she chose to get some space
between them. She got up and walked out of the room, into his office.
*Maybe he just needed time to process things. It isn't like I haven't
done my best in the last two weeks to totally confuse the hell out of
him. Yeah, maybe that's all it is. No reason to jump to conclusions
or get upset needlessly.*
So far this day had been a day of surprises for Angel. He didn't
react as quickly as he should have when Buffy walked out of the room,
but he'd been trying to recover from the shock of hearing her say the
words he'd almost convinced himself he'd never hear from her. But
when she left, he mentally kicked himself for letting her go. He got
up quickly and followed her into the office.
Buffy felt his presence before he said a word. She'd never been able
to doubt that they were connected in some unique way. She got the
same feeling whenever he was near. Even if she didn't see him, she
knew when he was there. It wasn't the weird slayer-related feeling
she got when any demon was near, it was much more comforting than
that. She'd told Willow once that when she was away from him, she
felt empty. Then she'd see Angel and the feeling would go away,
replaced with another one. She felt whole then, everything made
sense.
She was surprised, but then again not really, that their connection
still existed. *I get it, we're meant to be together. But he's left
me too many times for me to want to just pick up where we left off.*
Angel had a great speech all worked out when he walked in, but then
he looked at her, and all ability to speak left him. She was standing
looking out the window, her back to him; and was struck yet again by
how beautiful she was. He was amazed that she didn't seem to
understand that fact yet. She'd always had the ability to take his
breath away, even when he hadn't needed to breathe. How he ended up
being lucky enough to have her love, he'd never understand. But he
planned to never make her regret it again, if only she would let him
do so.
"I do love you, Buffy," he said. "I've loved you since the moment I
saw you, twenty-five years ago. That has never changed."
There was silence for a few minutes, and Buffy finally nodded. She
felt relieved to hear him say the words. "So what happens now?"
"That's up to you," Angel replied.
"It's not that simple," Buffy said with a sigh, still staring out the
window.
"I didn't say it was simple," Angel said, "Things with us are never
simple." He walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders.
She leaned back against him, and he wrapped his arms around her
waist. "Buffy, I know I hurt you too many times, and I am so sorry
for that. I know I don't have any right to ask you for another
chance. I know you're worried that if you do give me that chance that
I'll hurt you again. But all I can say is that I won't. I can't leave
you again. The first time I left it almost killed me. The second
time, it would have killed me if it hadn't been for--"
"Cordelia?" Buffy said, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice.
She wasn't jealous of Cordelia, really. She was more jealous that
Cordelia had gotten to have Angel as a friend, when she hadn't even
had _that_ much.
"Cordelia and Doyle," Angel finished. "They reminded me that I could
still make a difference, still help people. But after a while, even
that didn't seem to be worth it anymore. Until we found the prophecy,
Buffy. Then I had hope, for the first time in months. Hope that maybe
some day I'd be worthy of you again.
"Now, I've finally got that chance to make things right. If you'll
let me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of you
again. And if I have any say in the matter, I'll never leave you
again."
"But that's the great thing about my life, Angel," Buffy said
bitterly. "You probably won't have any say in the matter. People who
love me die. It's a fact of my life. And I meant what I said last
night, I won't do that again with you. I've lost too many people I
love, I can't lose you too."
Angel thought for a moment how to answer that objection. "Buffy, let
me ask you a question. If I died next week, would it hurt any less if
we ket our relationship platonic, than if we gave a romantic
relationship another chance?"
Buffy frowned. "Damn you, Angel, you're not supposed to be logical
about this, that's just not fair," she said. "Of course it wouldn't
hurt any less..." She sighed, though, knowing he was right. She was
letting her fears get the better of her, and she'd already come to
accept that life was too short to live that way.
He'd told her what happened next was up to her. And part of her had
known, from the moment he walked back into her life, just what it was
she wanted. Underneath the anger, the fear and the doubts, she'd
always been sure of one thing. Angel loved her, and she loved him.
The real question was, was that enough to get past the anger, fear
and doubts?
Angel felt her tense up in his arms, and knew that meant she was
having another internal debate He waited patiently, feeling that this
was probably the deciding moment in which track their relationship
took from this point forward. They might find their way back to love
again, but as Cordelia'd said, life was too short to waste any chance
you got to make things right.
"We can't just pick up where we left off," Buffy said.
Angel's heart literally skipped a beat. It hadn't been necessarily a
yes, but it wasn't a no either. "I know that," he finally found his
voice to reply. "I know I have to regain your trust again. We can
take this as slow as you need."
Buffy nodded. She turned, still in his arms, her hands on his chest,
She rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
She smiled, it was beating fast. She felt somewhat more relieved
knowing he wasn't as calm about this as he sounded. She took a deep
breath and looked up into his face.
He couldn't hide the worry that she was going to reject him. He'd
definitely done enough to her to deserve that. He also hoped that
wouldn't be the result, though. He didn't know if he could take
losing her again.
"Okay," she whispered.
Angel was again finding it hard to believe what he'd just
heard. "Buffy, are you saying--"
"Angel!" Buffy laughed, cutting him off. "I swear, the making-me-
repeat-everything-important-I-say thing is getting old."
Angel chuckled. "I could see how that might be the case. What I meant
to say was, I will never make you regret this, I promise you."
Buffy couldn't even try to doubt him when she looked into his eyes
and saw the love in them. She also couldn't keep the tears from
spilling from her eyes either, though. "I believe you," she
whispered, laying her head on his chest. "Just don't prove me wrong."
"I won't," he replied, leaning his forehead against hers as he
reached up to brush away the tears from her face. "I love you so
much, Buffy."
The ringing of Angel's office phone disrupted their moment. Buffy
sighed, "You've gotta be kidding me," she grumbled.
Angel chuckled and kissed her on her forehead, before pulling
away. "I have to--"
"I know," she nodded. She walked over to his desk chair and sat down
while he answered the phone.
"Angel Investigations... Yeah, Kate. We found his address. 5520
Sycamore, downtown.... You know better than to ask how we found it,
just put him behind bars where he belongs." **click** He pulled the
phone away from his ear, and looked at it in mild irritation. "You're
welcome," he added with a sigh as he hung up the phone. Why Kate's
abrupt and barely civil treatment of him still surprised him, he
wasn't sure. Angel Investigations had done a lot to help the
L.A.P.D., finding those criminals who were too difficult for the
police to find, getting information for them when they didn't have
the right contacts. So Kate accepted the help, but also made sure he
knew she saw him as a necessary evil. She would never forgive him for
not saving her father. *And why am I brooding about this?* he
wondered. *I've got much better things to contemplate now.*
He looked up at Buffy, who now had an expression matching that which
he'd thrown at the phone. He smiled, walking over to sit on the edge
of the desk in front of her. "So what do you want to do today?"
Buffy didn't hear him, trying to get her mind to wrap around the fact
that the Kate-bitch, as she'd dubbed her so many years ago, was still
alive. The woman who Buffy's first contact with was in the police
department when she'd tried to introduce Angel to the sunrise, was
still alive. Still. Not only that, but apparently she was even still
working with Angel occasionally.
"Buffy?" Angel tried to bring her back from wherever she'd gone.
She looked up at him. "There's got to be a limit to your love of self-
torture, Angel."
Angel blinked a few times, trying to connect with the train of
thought she was on. "Oh, you mean Kate? She's just...Kate," he
shrugged. "She won't change, but if she needs our help, she gets it."
"You've always been much better at forgiving people than me," Buffy
replied. "But fine, I can't fault you for being a good person." She
smiled, standing. "To answer your earlier question, first I need to
go back to my hotel and shower and change."
"Then?"
Buffy couldn't help but smile at his expression. He looked worried
that she'd change her mind at any moment about them. She walked over
to him and took his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "I'll be back."
Angel raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. "I'm glad."
She somehow managed to make herself move, though leaving him even for
a moment was the last thing she wanted to do. She finally walked out
to her car though, and drove back to her hotel room.
********************
and she couldn't blame him. There were also tears in his eyes, and she knew there were tears in hers.
He said, "What--"
Buffy's fingers at his mouth stopped him from continuing his
sentence. She looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "Don't you _dare_
make me say all that again," she warned. "I'll beat you up, I don't
care if you _are_ injured."
Angel chuckled. "No, I got it," he assured her with a smile. "I think
I do, anyway," he added. "As long as you don't wake me up from this
dream."
Buffy smiled and stroked his cheek gently. "You're already awake,"
she said. "So does that mean you consider this a good thing?"
Angel didn't know how he kept from doing what he wanted to do in
response to that question, which was taking her face in his hands and
crushing his lips to hers, taking away any doubts she might have as
to how much loved her. He wanted to do that, but at the same time he
knew they needed to take things slow. He'd hurt her so much in the
past, and he realized that she'd taken a huge risk, in her mind, by
telling him how she felt now. They still had a long way to go until
she could trust him completely, and he understood that.
Buffy wasn't sure how to take his silence. She couldn't help
wondering if she'd been a victim of severely bad timing in telling
him how she felt. Maybe she'd rejected him one time too many.
Rather than contemplate the "what ifs", she chose to get some space
between them. She got up and walked out of the room, into his office.
*Maybe he just needed time to process things. It isn't like I haven't
done my best in the last two weeks to totally confuse the hell out of
him. Yeah, maybe that's all it is. No reason to jump to conclusions
or get upset needlessly.*
So far this day had been a day of surprises for Angel. He didn't
react as quickly as he should have when Buffy walked out of the room,
but he'd been trying to recover from the shock of hearing her say the
words he'd almost convinced himself he'd never hear from her. But
when she left, he mentally kicked himself for letting her go. He got
up quickly and followed her into the office.
Buffy felt his presence before he said a word. She'd never been able
to doubt that they were connected in some unique way. She got the
same feeling whenever he was near. Even if she didn't see him, she
knew when he was there. It wasn't the weird slayer-related feeling
she got when any demon was near, it was much more comforting than
that. She'd told Willow once that when she was away from him, she
felt empty. Then she'd see Angel and the feeling would go away,
replaced with another one. She felt whole then, everything made
sense.
She was surprised, but then again not really, that their connection
still existed. *I get it, we're meant to be together. But he's left
me too many times for me to want to just pick up where we left off.*
Angel had a great speech all worked out when he walked in, but then
he looked at her, and all ability to speak left him. She was standing
looking out the window, her back to him; and was struck yet again by
how beautiful she was. He was amazed that she didn't seem to
understand that fact yet. She'd always had the ability to take his
breath away, even when he hadn't needed to breathe. How he ended up
being lucky enough to have her love, he'd never understand. But he
planned to never make her regret it again, if only she would let him
do so.
"I do love you, Buffy," he said. "I've loved you since the moment I
saw you, twenty-five years ago. That has never changed."
There was silence for a few minutes, and Buffy finally nodded. She
felt relieved to hear him say the words. "So what happens now?"
"That's up to you," Angel replied.
"It's not that simple," Buffy said with a sigh, still staring out the
window.
"I didn't say it was simple," Angel said, "Things with us are never
simple." He walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders.
She leaned back against him, and he wrapped his arms around her
waist. "Buffy, I know I hurt you too many times, and I am so sorry
for that. I know I don't have any right to ask you for another
chance. I know you're worried that if you do give me that chance that
I'll hurt you again. But all I can say is that I won't. I can't leave
you again. The first time I left it almost killed me. The second
time, it would have killed me if it hadn't been for--"
"Cordelia?" Buffy said, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice.
She wasn't jealous of Cordelia, really. She was more jealous that
Cordelia had gotten to have Angel as a friend, when she hadn't even
had _that_ much.
"Cordelia and Doyle," Angel finished. "They reminded me that I could
still make a difference, still help people. But after a while, even
that didn't seem to be worth it anymore. Until we found the prophecy,
Buffy. Then I had hope, for the first time in months. Hope that maybe
some day I'd be worthy of you again.
"Now, I've finally got that chance to make things right. If you'll
let me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of you
again. And if I have any say in the matter, I'll never leave you
again."
"But that's the great thing about my life, Angel," Buffy said
bitterly. "You probably won't have any say in the matter. People who
love me die. It's a fact of my life. And I meant what I said last
night, I won't do that again with you. I've lost too many people I
love, I can't lose you too."
Angel thought for a moment how to answer that objection. "Buffy, let
me ask you a question. If I died next week, would it hurt any less if
we ket our relationship platonic, than if we gave a romantic
relationship another chance?"
Buffy frowned. "Damn you, Angel, you're not supposed to be logical
about this, that's just not fair," she said. "Of course it wouldn't
hurt any less..." She sighed, though, knowing he was right. She was
letting her fears get the better of her, and she'd already come to
accept that life was too short to live that way.
He'd told her what happened next was up to her. And part of her had
known, from the moment he walked back into her life, just what it was
she wanted. Underneath the anger, the fear and the doubts, she'd
always been sure of one thing. Angel loved her, and she loved him.
The real question was, was that enough to get past the anger, fear
and doubts?
Angel felt her tense up in his arms, and knew that meant she was
having another internal debate He waited patiently, feeling that this
was probably the deciding moment in which track their relationship
took from this point forward. They might find their way back to love
again, but as Cordelia'd said, life was too short to waste any chance
you got to make things right.
"We can't just pick up where we left off," Buffy said.
Angel's heart literally skipped a beat. It hadn't been necessarily a
yes, but it wasn't a no either. "I know that," he finally found his
voice to reply. "I know I have to regain your trust again. We can
take this as slow as you need."
Buffy nodded. She turned, still in his arms, her hands on his chest,
She rested her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
She smiled, it was beating fast. She felt somewhat more relieved
knowing he wasn't as calm about this as he sounded. She took a deep
breath and looked up into his face.
He couldn't hide the worry that she was going to reject him. He'd
definitely done enough to her to deserve that. He also hoped that
wouldn't be the result, though. He didn't know if he could take
losing her again.
"Okay," she whispered.
Angel was again finding it hard to believe what he'd just
heard. "Buffy, are you saying--"
"Angel!" Buffy laughed, cutting him off. "I swear, the making-me-
repeat-everything-important-I-say thing is getting old."
Angel chuckled. "I could see how that might be the case. What I meant
to say was, I will never make you regret this, I promise you."
Buffy couldn't even try to doubt him when she looked into his eyes
and saw the love in them. She also couldn't keep the tears from
spilling from her eyes either, though. "I believe you," she
whispered, laying her head on his chest. "Just don't prove me wrong."
"I won't," he replied, leaning his forehead against hers as he
reached up to brush away the tears from her face. "I love you so
much, Buffy."
The ringing of Angel's office phone disrupted their moment. Buffy
sighed, "You've gotta be kidding me," she grumbled.
Angel chuckled and kissed her on her forehead, before pulling
away. "I have to--"
"I know," she nodded. She walked over to his desk chair and sat down
while he answered the phone.
"Angel Investigations... Yeah, Kate. We found his address. 5520
Sycamore, downtown.... You know better than to ask how we found it,
just put him behind bars where he belongs." **click** He pulled the
phone away from his ear, and looked at it in mild irritation. "You're
welcome," he added with a sigh as he hung up the phone. Why Kate's
abrupt and barely civil treatment of him still surprised him, he
wasn't sure. Angel Investigations had done a lot to help the
L.A.P.D., finding those criminals who were too difficult for the
police to find, getting information for them when they didn't have
the right contacts. So Kate accepted the help, but also made sure he
knew she saw him as a necessary evil. She would never forgive him for
not saving her father. *And why am I brooding about this?* he
wondered. *I've got much better things to contemplate now.*
He looked up at Buffy, who now had an expression matching that which
he'd thrown at the phone. He smiled, walking over to sit on the edge
of the desk in front of her. "So what do you want to do today?"
Buffy didn't hear him, trying to get her mind to wrap around the fact
that the Kate-bitch, as she'd dubbed her so many years ago, was still
alive. The woman who Buffy's first contact with was in the police
department when she'd tried to introduce Angel to the sunrise, was
still alive. Still. Not only that, but apparently she was even still
working with Angel occasionally.
"Buffy?" Angel tried to bring her back from wherever she'd gone.
She looked up at him. "There's got to be a limit to your love of self-
torture, Angel."
Angel blinked a few times, trying to connect with the train of
thought she was on. "Oh, you mean Kate? She's just...Kate," he
shrugged. "She won't change, but if she needs our help, she gets it."
"You've always been much better at forgiving people than me," Buffy
replied. "But fine, I can't fault you for being a good person." She
smiled, standing. "To answer your earlier question, first I need to
go back to my hotel and shower and change."
"Then?"
Buffy couldn't help but smile at his expression. He looked worried
that she'd change her mind at any moment about them. She walked over
to him and took his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "I'll be back."
Angel raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. "I'm glad."
She somehow managed to make herself move, though leaving him even for
a moment was the last thing she wanted to do. She finally walked out
to her car though, and drove back to her hotel room.
********************