Silent Dreams
They kept telling me that it would be all right; they just kept lying to me. I told them to stop, but they wouldn't let up. Things could never be all right; things had fallen apart.
I lost my baby. That hurt so much, but I could have got over it eventually. What's killing me is the fact that I can't ever have a baby. Well, I can, but only if it's with Michel. Alex doesn't know, I can't tell him, he wouldn't understand.
I honestly thought my life couldn't get any worse, but who woulda thought it, it has. I have to leave. My mom's sending me away for the summer.
I always wanted to go to Europe, but that was the old me, the me before my life was royally fucked up. She's sending me to France for a month to stay with some aunt I never met. I'm allowed to take one friend with me, but not Alex.
**************
Isabel hadn't gone outside for three days. She had been slumped in front of the TV, watching bad daytime shows. Since she had got home from hospital, she had hardly talked to anyone. She had refused to even see Alex. The only person who could get her to say more than two sentences was Max.
Isabel's mom had decided to take charge. She had an aunt who lived in the south of France. Isabel had begged to go and stay with her more than once, so the arrangements were made for her to go. Max had insisted that he wasn't going, so there had been a spare ticket. Isabel has been asked to choose a friend to take with her, but she had been insistent that she would rather go alone. That was a little worrying, but Isabel was adamant. She had to go things alone for a while.
*************
Alex was distraught. He hadn't spoken to Isabel since the disaster at the hospital, and that had been a week ago. Now he had to find out from the others that she was going to France for the summer, and that she was leaving in a week.
He guessed that this meant it was well and truly over. That was probably the best thing anyway, there would always be the ghost of this baby between them, and that would complicate things even more. Seeing Isabel would always remind him of the things that could have been, that wasn't a real relationship anyway.
Who was he kidding, if Isabel walked through the door right now, he would do anything to get her back. If she needed space, he'd give it to her. Why did she have to go all the way to France?
***********
Isabel wouldn't change her mind. She was going to France alone. Her parents traded the two coach tickets for one first class one. The day she was going arrived and she went. Her dad drove her to the airport, and left her there. She was alone, just like she wanted. Here she wasn't the slut who got pregnant at seventeen, she wasn't the slut who had slept with her friend's boyfriend, and she wasn't the disappointment to her family. There were so many things that Isabel felt she had to be sorry for. She had hurt everyone that she knew, but she couldn't bring herself to make things right again.
Sitting in the departure lounge, she could see everyone else. They looked happy, and exited. They didn't have a guilty, broken heart though. They hadn't killed their baby because they were different. Isabel knew that she hadn't done anything wrong, but she was still to blame. Why were things never easy for her?
************
She could see the blond girl from where she sat. The girl was pretty, but she had a tired look, and her eyes were puffy from crying. There was an almost lyrical quality to her. Anna stood up to move closer, but the call went out for the first class passengers, and both Anna and the blond girl stood up to go.
Anna got in the line to board the plane right behind the blond girl. She noticed that the girl was American. The Airhostess called her Miss Evens. Anna handed her ticket to the Airhostess, and walked down the gangway and onto the plane. She was shown to her seat, which happened to be next to the blond girl.
'Hi,' Anna tried to be friendly.
'Hi, do you mind if we swap seats? I don't really like sitting by the window.'
'Sure.'
That was it. Anna and the blond girl didn't talk until after take off.
************
The brunette that Isabel was sitting next to looked about 30. She had an English accent and seemed so familiar. Her voice reminded her of something, but she couldn't remember what.
The fasten seatbelts light went off, and all around people started to get up to go to the bar, but both Isabel and the Brunette stayed put.
'The bar's always so crowded at first. It's much better to stay here for a while,' said the brunette.
'I wouldn't know. I've only ever flown coach before. My parents traded two coach tickets for this seat. I'm Isabel, by the way.'
'I'm Anna, nice to meet you. How come you're on your own?'
'I wanted to be. I didn't feel like spending the summer with someone who'd just remind me of the crap that's happened this year.' Isabel burst into tears. She didn't mean to start unloading her problems on a total stranger but she just found herself telling Anna the whole story.
'It's all so complicated. I missed my period two months in a row, so I did one of those home pregnancy tests. It was positive. I told my boyfriend, and he was shocked, but he didn't instantly run away which was a good sign. Then I realised that I didn't know if he was the father.
Please don't think I'm some sort of slut, I've only slept with two boys in my life; Alex, and Michael, who's one of my best friends. I only slept with Michael once, and it was a stupid mistake, but it made things even more complicated.
I didn't know what to do. My parents were out of town, and I couldn't talk to anyone else, because Alex would have found out. So I panicked and left town. I just drove, and ended up in Texas. I went to the medical centre there, and they told me I definitely was pregnant. That snapped me out of it a bit. I realised that I wanted to keep this baby'.
************
This was all coming as a shock to Anna. She had been intrigued as to this girl's story, but it was almost heartbreaking. It was true, and this stranger was pouring her heart out.
'When I decided that I wanted the baby, I went home. I needed to see my friends, and talk it all through. I was such a chicken though; I told Alex that Michael might be the father before I got home, so he'd have a day or two to cool off.
He was ok in the end, and he was the father.
Then I had to tell my family, Alex's family, and the school. That was awful, everyone was staring at me. To cut a long story short, I lost the baby, and found out I can never have children.'
Isabel broke down into tears again. She didn't make an effort to wipe them away; she just sat there, with a broken heart foe the world to see.
Anna didn't know what to say. She just wanted to hug the girl, but she knew she couldn't.
Isabel choked back the tears and started to talk again.
'They kept telling me that things would be all right, that things will be fine, but they won't. They'll never be fine. I haven't spoken to Alex since I was in the hospital, and I can't face him. It just makes me think of everything that could have been. I never planned on being a mother at seventeen, but things could have been good. Now the world's fucked up, and I'm running away again.'
'Sometimes running away's the only thing you can do. If you have no control on your life, then by leaving, you're using the last bit of control you have. You can't always run away from things, but sometimes you have to.'
'The worst thing is the guilt. It's my stupid body that can't take it. It's my fault. I'll never get to hold my baby, or say goodbye. It never got a chance to live.'
'Even if it never got to be born, it was still alive. It was a part of you that can't be taken away. This baby is part of who you are, and the experience makes you yourself.'
'How the hell do you know everything?'
'I don't.'
Anna got up. 'I'm going to the bar. Do you want something?'
'No thanks. Thank you for listening to me. It was good to be able to talk to someone impartial.'
'No sweat. See you later.'
Anna walked away and up to the first class lounge. There she took out a pad of paper, and started to write.
***************
Isabel was asleep. She had started to watch some really bad movie about a cheerleading squad who rob a bank. She had watched about half of it before she crashed. She was dreaming about all the things that might have happened if her stupid body had been normal. She had this type of dream a lot now. Sometimes it was good, like her and Alex pushing a stroller around the park. But sometimes it was awful, like her baby being kidnapped by someone. Things just got more and more difficult, but Isabel had to face herself, and her friends, and especially Alex. She just needed time.
*****************
Anna walked back to her seat a couple of hours later. Isabel had just woken up, and was feeling better for the rest. She knew what she had to do. She was planning to write a long letter to Alex, and explain all the things that were too painful to say to his face.
'I've got something for you.' Anna sat down in her seat. 'It's not much, but maybe it'll help explain things to your friends.'
Anna handed Isabel a piece of paper, folded in half. Isabel unfolded the paper, and started to read.
Silent Dreams
Each night before I go to sleep
I pray the lord your soul to keep.
But then I dream my silent dreams
And nothing's really what it seems.
I'm scared of things I think I've seen
I'm scared of things that might have been.
I see them all inside my head
The memory of the silent dead.
They're dreams, they're hopes, they're prayers, they're fears.
They're sleeping memories of my tears.
Then when I wake I sit and stare.
These silent dreams, they lay me bare.
I never got to say goodbye
I never even heard you cry.
You never even saw my face
You're someone that I can't replace.
A silent figure in my mind
I won't let you get left behind
In silent dreams you see the sky
I still don't get to hear you cry
I'm scared one day you'll disappear
I hope you'll always stay right here
I see you in my silent dreams
When nothing's really what it seems
A spirit there to comfort me
To show me how I need to be.
But is it really what it seems?
A ghost inside my silent dreams.
'It's a song. I'd sing it, but I haven't thought of a tune yet.' Isabel was shocked. Anna had written a song that expressed every emotion that she was feeling.
'How did you know all this?'
'I had a stillborn baby when I was 23. My life fell apart for a while. I got better, but you never forget.'
'Thank you so much. Do you want this back?' Isabel motioned at the paper with the words written on it.
'I wrote it out neatly for you. I've got a copy here.'
Anna and Isabel didn't speak for the rest of the flight. They just sat there, and when the airplane landed in Paris, they went off in separate directions. The song explained all the things Isabel couldn't and it helped her say what she wanted to.
**************
Six weeks later, Isabel arrived back in the US. She hadn't changed much, but she'd learned to deal with what had happened, and she was ready to put it all behind her. The welcoming committee for her was pretty inclusive. Her parents and all her friends were there. As they drove back to Roswell, they switched on the radio.
'And here's a new one from Anna Duvall, it's called Silent Dreams.'
'Oh turn it up,' Liz said. 'I love this song. Have you heard it before Isabel?'
'I haven't heard it,' Isabel said. She smiled slightly as she listened to the haunting melody of the song. Obviously, Anna had thought of a tune, and it was a good one, that fitted the song perfectly. For once in her life, Isabel could understand exactly what a song meant, even if the song made her want to cry.
They kept telling me that it would be all right; they just kept lying to me. I told them to stop, but they wouldn't let up. Things could never be all right; things had fallen apart.
I lost my baby. That hurt so much, but I could have got over it eventually. What's killing me is the fact that I can't ever have a baby. Well, I can, but only if it's with Michel. Alex doesn't know, I can't tell him, he wouldn't understand.
I honestly thought my life couldn't get any worse, but who woulda thought it, it has. I have to leave. My mom's sending me away for the summer.
I always wanted to go to Europe, but that was the old me, the me before my life was royally fucked up. She's sending me to France for a month to stay with some aunt I never met. I'm allowed to take one friend with me, but not Alex.
**************
Isabel hadn't gone outside for three days. She had been slumped in front of the TV, watching bad daytime shows. Since she had got home from hospital, she had hardly talked to anyone. She had refused to even see Alex. The only person who could get her to say more than two sentences was Max.
Isabel's mom had decided to take charge. She had an aunt who lived in the south of France. Isabel had begged to go and stay with her more than once, so the arrangements were made for her to go. Max had insisted that he wasn't going, so there had been a spare ticket. Isabel has been asked to choose a friend to take with her, but she had been insistent that she would rather go alone. That was a little worrying, but Isabel was adamant. She had to go things alone for a while.
*************
Alex was distraught. He hadn't spoken to Isabel since the disaster at the hospital, and that had been a week ago. Now he had to find out from the others that she was going to France for the summer, and that she was leaving in a week.
He guessed that this meant it was well and truly over. That was probably the best thing anyway, there would always be the ghost of this baby between them, and that would complicate things even more. Seeing Isabel would always remind him of the things that could have been, that wasn't a real relationship anyway.
Who was he kidding, if Isabel walked through the door right now, he would do anything to get her back. If she needed space, he'd give it to her. Why did she have to go all the way to France?
***********
Isabel wouldn't change her mind. She was going to France alone. Her parents traded the two coach tickets for one first class one. The day she was going arrived and she went. Her dad drove her to the airport, and left her there. She was alone, just like she wanted. Here she wasn't the slut who got pregnant at seventeen, she wasn't the slut who had slept with her friend's boyfriend, and she wasn't the disappointment to her family. There were so many things that Isabel felt she had to be sorry for. She had hurt everyone that she knew, but she couldn't bring herself to make things right again.
Sitting in the departure lounge, she could see everyone else. They looked happy, and exited. They didn't have a guilty, broken heart though. They hadn't killed their baby because they were different. Isabel knew that she hadn't done anything wrong, but she was still to blame. Why were things never easy for her?
************
She could see the blond girl from where she sat. The girl was pretty, but she had a tired look, and her eyes were puffy from crying. There was an almost lyrical quality to her. Anna stood up to move closer, but the call went out for the first class passengers, and both Anna and the blond girl stood up to go.
Anna got in the line to board the plane right behind the blond girl. She noticed that the girl was American. The Airhostess called her Miss Evens. Anna handed her ticket to the Airhostess, and walked down the gangway and onto the plane. She was shown to her seat, which happened to be next to the blond girl.
'Hi,' Anna tried to be friendly.
'Hi, do you mind if we swap seats? I don't really like sitting by the window.'
'Sure.'
That was it. Anna and the blond girl didn't talk until after take off.
************
The brunette that Isabel was sitting next to looked about 30. She had an English accent and seemed so familiar. Her voice reminded her of something, but she couldn't remember what.
The fasten seatbelts light went off, and all around people started to get up to go to the bar, but both Isabel and the Brunette stayed put.
'The bar's always so crowded at first. It's much better to stay here for a while,' said the brunette.
'I wouldn't know. I've only ever flown coach before. My parents traded two coach tickets for this seat. I'm Isabel, by the way.'
'I'm Anna, nice to meet you. How come you're on your own?'
'I wanted to be. I didn't feel like spending the summer with someone who'd just remind me of the crap that's happened this year.' Isabel burst into tears. She didn't mean to start unloading her problems on a total stranger but she just found herself telling Anna the whole story.
'It's all so complicated. I missed my period two months in a row, so I did one of those home pregnancy tests. It was positive. I told my boyfriend, and he was shocked, but he didn't instantly run away which was a good sign. Then I realised that I didn't know if he was the father.
Please don't think I'm some sort of slut, I've only slept with two boys in my life; Alex, and Michael, who's one of my best friends. I only slept with Michael once, and it was a stupid mistake, but it made things even more complicated.
I didn't know what to do. My parents were out of town, and I couldn't talk to anyone else, because Alex would have found out. So I panicked and left town. I just drove, and ended up in Texas. I went to the medical centre there, and they told me I definitely was pregnant. That snapped me out of it a bit. I realised that I wanted to keep this baby'.
************
This was all coming as a shock to Anna. She had been intrigued as to this girl's story, but it was almost heartbreaking. It was true, and this stranger was pouring her heart out.
'When I decided that I wanted the baby, I went home. I needed to see my friends, and talk it all through. I was such a chicken though; I told Alex that Michael might be the father before I got home, so he'd have a day or two to cool off.
He was ok in the end, and he was the father.
Then I had to tell my family, Alex's family, and the school. That was awful, everyone was staring at me. To cut a long story short, I lost the baby, and found out I can never have children.'
Isabel broke down into tears again. She didn't make an effort to wipe them away; she just sat there, with a broken heart foe the world to see.
Anna didn't know what to say. She just wanted to hug the girl, but she knew she couldn't.
Isabel choked back the tears and started to talk again.
'They kept telling me that things would be all right, that things will be fine, but they won't. They'll never be fine. I haven't spoken to Alex since I was in the hospital, and I can't face him. It just makes me think of everything that could have been. I never planned on being a mother at seventeen, but things could have been good. Now the world's fucked up, and I'm running away again.'
'Sometimes running away's the only thing you can do. If you have no control on your life, then by leaving, you're using the last bit of control you have. You can't always run away from things, but sometimes you have to.'
'The worst thing is the guilt. It's my stupid body that can't take it. It's my fault. I'll never get to hold my baby, or say goodbye. It never got a chance to live.'
'Even if it never got to be born, it was still alive. It was a part of you that can't be taken away. This baby is part of who you are, and the experience makes you yourself.'
'How the hell do you know everything?'
'I don't.'
Anna got up. 'I'm going to the bar. Do you want something?'
'No thanks. Thank you for listening to me. It was good to be able to talk to someone impartial.'
'No sweat. See you later.'
Anna walked away and up to the first class lounge. There she took out a pad of paper, and started to write.
***************
Isabel was asleep. She had started to watch some really bad movie about a cheerleading squad who rob a bank. She had watched about half of it before she crashed. She was dreaming about all the things that might have happened if her stupid body had been normal. She had this type of dream a lot now. Sometimes it was good, like her and Alex pushing a stroller around the park. But sometimes it was awful, like her baby being kidnapped by someone. Things just got more and more difficult, but Isabel had to face herself, and her friends, and especially Alex. She just needed time.
*****************
Anna walked back to her seat a couple of hours later. Isabel had just woken up, and was feeling better for the rest. She knew what she had to do. She was planning to write a long letter to Alex, and explain all the things that were too painful to say to his face.
'I've got something for you.' Anna sat down in her seat. 'It's not much, but maybe it'll help explain things to your friends.'
Anna handed Isabel a piece of paper, folded in half. Isabel unfolded the paper, and started to read.
Silent Dreams
Each night before I go to sleep
I pray the lord your soul to keep.
But then I dream my silent dreams
And nothing's really what it seems.
I'm scared of things I think I've seen
I'm scared of things that might have been.
I see them all inside my head
The memory of the silent dead.
They're dreams, they're hopes, they're prayers, they're fears.
They're sleeping memories of my tears.
Then when I wake I sit and stare.
These silent dreams, they lay me bare.
I never got to say goodbye
I never even heard you cry.
You never even saw my face
You're someone that I can't replace.
A silent figure in my mind
I won't let you get left behind
In silent dreams you see the sky
I still don't get to hear you cry
I'm scared one day you'll disappear
I hope you'll always stay right here
I see you in my silent dreams
When nothing's really what it seems
A spirit there to comfort me
To show me how I need to be.
But is it really what it seems?
A ghost inside my silent dreams.
'It's a song. I'd sing it, but I haven't thought of a tune yet.' Isabel was shocked. Anna had written a song that expressed every emotion that she was feeling.
'How did you know all this?'
'I had a stillborn baby when I was 23. My life fell apart for a while. I got better, but you never forget.'
'Thank you so much. Do you want this back?' Isabel motioned at the paper with the words written on it.
'I wrote it out neatly for you. I've got a copy here.'
Anna and Isabel didn't speak for the rest of the flight. They just sat there, and when the airplane landed in Paris, they went off in separate directions. The song explained all the things Isabel couldn't and it helped her say what she wanted to.
**************
Six weeks later, Isabel arrived back in the US. She hadn't changed much, but she'd learned to deal with what had happened, and she was ready to put it all behind her. The welcoming committee for her was pretty inclusive. Her parents and all her friends were there. As they drove back to Roswell, they switched on the radio.
'And here's a new one from Anna Duvall, it's called Silent Dreams.'
'Oh turn it up,' Liz said. 'I love this song. Have you heard it before Isabel?'
'I haven't heard it,' Isabel said. She smiled slightly as she listened to the haunting melody of the song. Obviously, Anna had thought of a tune, and it was a good one, that fitted the song perfectly. For once in her life, Isabel could understand exactly what a song meant, even if the song made her want to cry.