CHAPTER FIVE
Chapter Five

"OK Buffy," said Joshua, sitting backwards on a chair in front of the woman, "I want you to relax, as much as possible. Just let the tension flow out of you and focus your mind. Focus it inwards, where you can see yourself, where you can see all the parts of your personality, your body, and your mind. Once you have that, let me know."

Buffy closed her eyes, concentrating. After about a minute, she tensed a little. "Relax Buffy, it'll come, just let it come and don't fight it. Relax," reminded Joshua. Again Buffy relaxed and about a minute later she announced, "I have it."

"Good," said Joshua. "Now, I want you to focus on one part of your personality, one part of your body, and one part of your mind. You may choose which to focus on. Let me know what you see when you've done that."

Almost immediately, "A triangle."

Joshua smiled and turned to the others. "She focused on her love for others, her hand, and her upper consciousness." Joshua told them.

Buffy opened her eyes. "How did you know that?" she asked.

Keeping the smile, Joshua explained, "What you just did was what we call, "Seeing Yourself." It allows 'us' to find out if anything is wrong with us, or allow us access to parts of our bodies, minds, or other things that we can't normally access consciously or even subconsciously. When we focus on particular parts of each part of us, we usually see a shape. For most, this shape is roughly identical, if they focus on the same parts. You focused on the strongest part of your personality, you hand, and your upper consciousness, or what people call the 'real' you. When one of us does that, we see a triangle. Usually different colors, various shapes, but the basic is a triangle. There's also a way to tell if a certain part of you is injured or in trouble or just different. The shape that you saw was kind of weak on the right side, wasn't it?"

Buffy's eyes widened and silently nodded. "Well, that's because your upper consciousness is damaged, you don't remember everything about you. It should fill out when we finish up." Joshua explained. "Now Buffy, I want you to concentrate again. See yourself. That was basically a warm up to let you know what exactly you're doing. Now, let me know when you see yourself."

After about thirty or so seconds, Buffy announced, "OK, I have it again. Now what do I do?"

"OK, now I want you to focus on your love." Joshua told her.

"What?! What are you talking about my love? What's that look like?" complained Buffy.

"Buffy, you are the Goddess of Love. Your powers and abilities and just about everything that makes you a god is centered around your ability to love, and to accept and receive love. Buffy, you are full of love. I don't think it would be that difficult to find in yourself what I'm talking about."

"Well, OK. I'm getting a real big déjà vu here, but could you give me a hint as to what I have to focus on here? Please?" pleaded Buffy.

"OK. You love Willow right? Like a sister, right? You love Alexander? You love Tara? You loved Angel?" Joshua offered.

"How do you know about Angel?" asked Willow, of all people.

Joshua turned to her, shrugged and simply said, "Gossip,"

The brown haired angel turned back to his sister, and the small blond woman nodded her head, her eyes still closed. "OK. I-I think I see something, but it's insubstantial, I can't really see it all that well," she told him.

"That's OK. There is just a couple more steps to go through," he told her. "Now, I want you to focus as hard as you can on the love you have for each and everyone of the people that you have loved in this life. I want you to focus on it until you feel it as fresh as the day you realized that you did. It should become a little more substantial after that. Once you've done that, I want you to remember all of the people that have loved you in return, and I want you to put yourself in their shoes. Feel the love that they gave to you as if it were your own, and add it to what you are already feeling. Once you've done this, you should be able to see that love as a real substance that you can touch and see. Touch it."

"What about Spike?" Xander asked, interrupting.

"Spike?" asked Joshua.

"Um, yeah, Spike. Formally William the Bloody. He's a vampire that previously killed two Slayers, and tried to kill Buffy. Until this government agency kidnapped him and put a chip in his head that made him kind of impotent." Xander elaborated.

"Impotent?" asked the Archangel.

"He couldn't hurt any humans without getting something like a migraine, only a thousand times worse. When he couldn't kill Buffy, about three or four months ago he fell in love with her instead. It was really creepy," continued Willow for Xander.

"Oh"

All of a sudden, Buffy gasped. All eyes were immediately back on her. As they watched, the familiar red and pink aura had completely engulfed her, and tiny bolts of pink and gold lightning danced all over her seated form. There was a sound like a loud vacuum and distant thunder, as a ball of pink lightning energy coalesced inside Buffy's body and then visibly traveled up until it reached her head. A sudden wind more powerful that tornado gale force winds, whipped through the room and at the end of it, Buffy cried out.

Then it all just stopped, and Buffy, looking normal, collapsed onto the floor, unconscious. Immediately everyone was beside her, but Joshua who was the first there, held onto Buffy. "Shhhhhhh, shhhhhhh," Joshua tried to quiet everybody. Once the commotion stopped, Joshua carried Buffy back out to the main room and laid her gently on the table. Stepping back, he joined the others that were huddled together all a little angry with him; he could tell.

"All right, before you go pointing fingers and everything, allow me to remind you that Buffy was the one who wanted to do it immediately. As for that, I think it was just a little bit too much of a rush for her. She's fine. She just needs to rest for a bit," said Joshua.

"Oh, will that happen to me when I…" Tara started to ask.

Joshua shrugged, "I'm not sure. I can guarantee you that it won't happen to all of you. But don't worry, it's more like jumping off a skyscraper with a bungee cord or a parachute. But a whole lot more intense. I think its just because she tried to fight it at first, but since she went looking for it and found it, it wouldn't be stopped. Just be aware that you have to embrace your powers, no matter what they're based on."

A groan from the table turned everybody around and before Joshua could blink, everyone was surrounding Buffy, trying to see if she was all right. Slowly Buffy returned to consciousness, and as she did, the memories slowly surfaced. First were the forgotten ones, the times she spent as a child of the heavens, then as a little human girl playing in a field her father made just for her, and growing up to her maturity, all of her mistakes, all of her blessings and memories as the goddess of love. It wasn't until hate entered man's heart did she include the happiness of children and girls. She protected them all, and she never abused her responsibilities. Her powers? Oh yeah, all the time, but never her responsibilities. She also remembered the day that she and all her family and friends left their Realm, and why.

Then came the memories of this life. She remembered Joyce Summers, her mother that had loved her and cared for her more than even she, the goddess of love could imagine. She remembered her childhood, she remembered being called, she remembered staking her first vampire, the gym, she remembered meeting Angel, the Harvest, the Master, Spike, Angelus, the Initiative, Adam. She remembered Faith. Oh God in Heaven, she remembered Faith. Faith and Kendra were the two things she had not expected to encounter on Earth, but she wasn't the real Slayer, she just happened to choose along the bloodline and got picked.

Then, other memories came. The memories that the monks had given her. She remembered the day her mother and father had come home with Dawn, she remembered Dawn's first day of school, Dawn learning how to ride a bike, their first fight, everything that Dawn would've experienced had she really been with Buffy through the blond Slayer's life. She remembered the Tower, Glory, Ben. And she knew what had happened to them. Using her powers it was easy enough, but deep down, she wasn't really surprised that it had been Ripper who had done it.

Opening her eyes, Buffy saw about five different heads floating around her in her vision. It reminded her of the time that she had woken up from fainting when she had that mind reading power. At least this time she didn't hear their thoughts as she woke up and looked at them.

"It's OK guys. I'm fine, except maybe a little crowded," she said as she lay there.

Slowly, they got the hint and backed off a little, letting her sit up at the least. "Buffy, what happened?" asked Giles, always the concerned father figure. It was strange hearing the question so filled with concern coming from someone who held within them a being of such ruthlessness.

"Do you remember anything? Are you all right? You passed out," informed Willow. Dear Willow, her Special Guardian, her dearest sister.

Buffy turned to Willow and smiled as bright a smile as Joshua did the moment that he saw her. "Don't worry Wills, I'm all right. Actually I'm better than all right. I remember, I remember everything. Especially how to do this." Buffy said as she was suddenly surrounded by the pink and red aura, though it seemed to be even more substantiated, and the gold sprinkles. Something else that was different from her earlier uses was a ball of gold energy, setting off more of the gold sprinkles, traveled from the center of her being to the top of her head as she disappeared from the table, and reappeared beside Joshua in an identical fashion. Ofcourse the bells could still be heard.

"Wow!" exclaimed Xander.

"Yeah, what he said," Willow casually said. "By the way, did you figure out what the bells were? Now that you got your memory back and all?"

Buffy smiled brightly again and slowly she walked back to Willow, till she stood less than a foot from the taller redhead. She shrugged and said, "I think it's just something to add in with the special effects, but with the sound more than the visual. You know, like Aphrodite on the Hercules TV show? Since we're both goddesses of love, I guess some things have to remain standard, huh?"

"Oh,"

Buffy was still smiling. She couldn't help it, Willow, next to Joshua and Alexander, had been her favorite sibling, and the fact that she was her best friend in her life on Earth made her all the more special to her. "Uh, Buffy, why are you smiling at me like that?" asked the nervous redhead.

"I just really missed my sister is all," was all Buffy said. Then she hugged Willow in a bone-jarring bear hug.

"Uh, yeah, I really missed you too Buffy. Especially since I thought you were dead for two weeks and what do you mean you missed your sister and now you're hugging me?" Willow babbled.

Buffy chuckled and struggled to hold back her tears. "Wills, you've got to try it. It's a rush and a half and then some. Unfortunately, I was so startled by the sheer amount of my power that I held back some, and that kind of created a vacuum sort of. Whatever you do when it's your turn, believe me when I say jump in head and feet first. Don't hold back for anything. But it was still wicked cool!"

"Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that I'm one of you too? I'm a god, uh, a goddess?" asked Willow, panicked.

"Yes, you are Willow," Joshua told her, coming up beside Buffy. "As is Tara, and Alexander."

"What about Giles?" she asked.

Buffy then let her go and the love goddesses face most definitely went down a notch or two. Joshua was still hung on who this Giles was, an old man, a Watcher, that somehow knew everybody and owned the shop where they met. "OK, sorry to disappoint, but there is no god in our Realm named Giles. Sorry Watcher. But… Wait a minute," Joshua paused and stepped closer to estranged old Englishman. "You are one of us! Buffy, explanation please."

Buffy appeared saddened as she did just that. "He's Ripper Joshua. He's Ripper."

Joshua paled slightly and nodded in understanding. Everyone else was confused as anything at the moment though.

"Wait, wait, wait just a moment," Giles stuttered. "What does my old college nickname have to do with me being one of your gods? And why are you two looking like you just proclaimed my death sentence?"

"Because we have in a way Giles." Buffy answered him.

"Ripper is the God of War and Suffering in all realms." Joshua explained further. "It is a burdensome title and responsibility, and I'm sorry to say that it leaves its mark on the bearer. Ripper is still one of us, and our friend and cousin. But he is a very cruel and devastating creature when he is in his element, death and destruction. The nicest way to say it is, he's a killer."

Giles appeared struck by that last statement. He didn't understand what they were saying yet, but he immediately identified the traits that he shared with this "Ripper". He wondered why he even came up with that nickname for himself. "I…I still don't understand…" he said.

"Giles, let me try and explain," said the blonde goddess. "I'm not Elizabeth Anne "Buffy" Summers anymore. I'm just Buffy, the Love Goddess. Yet, in many ways I still am that Buffy because so much of me went into that young mortal girl. With you, it won't be quite the same. I know what you did to Ben, and I'm not angry with you. I can forgive you as easily, if not more than you yourself can. I know as well as you do how much of you is Ripper, and how much is Rupert Giles, Watcher, guardian of the Slayer, and surrogate father to Buffy Summers. Right now, there's more Giles than there is Ripper. But when you re-attain your godhood, when you remember who Ripper is, Giles will be gone. There will be trace elements of him, but only because of the memories that Ripper will keep. So, in the end, it will be as if Rupert Giles really is dead."

"Buffy…" Willow tried.

"So what are you saying? You're going to kill Giles, just so you can have a god that you don't even like back?" shouted Xander angrily.

"No! I love Ripper! Just as I love all of you! And I love Giles, but Giles is a mortal that was shaped out of the Watcher's council training and then my love. I could do the same thing to every god in Anton, but that would leave them all nothing but careless, yet heart filled fools! Ripper is needed to help maintain the balance. He's my counterpart, my cousin, and my friend! Giles is but a small portion of him given human emotions and an attachment to Buffy Summers, who died two weeks ago saving a sister that doesn't even exist!!" Buffy screamed.

Everyone was silent after the tirade, and as Buffy realized what all she had said, she immediately felt the remorse and pain of the whole room. "Oh, Giles…I, I'm so sorry, I…I didn't,"

"No it's all right Buffy. I understand completely. Besides, my life was feeling rather empty without you here. The Watcher's Council, after you got me my job back was undoubtedly going to call me back to England as soon as they heard about "your" death. I'd be glad to know that I'll still be with you, at least in some part." Giles consoled her.

Fresh tears were flowing from Buffy's eyes as she mourned the pain that she had caused, not only him but her other friends and family. Joshua stood silently by, his hands in his pockets and head bowed slightly. Anya, the only one that seemed unaffected by this, asked the typical selfish Anya-response question, "Since you're leaving with them, does that mean that I get to keep the shop now?"

Joshua, Buffy, and amazingly Giles all smiled and started chuckling at her remark. "What's so funny? I was being serious," said the ex-demon. They began to laugh all the harder.

"Well, why you three yuck it up, I've got a question." Xander said interrupting. "What happens to Willow Tara and me when we remember? What kind of gods were we? Was I some kind of Hades god of the underworld person or something?"

Joshua shook his head and said seriously, "We don't have an underworld in heaven. We do have an Angel of Death, but she's not a god that came to Earth."

Buffy decided to answer Xander's question. "No Xander, you won't be like Giles. You'll be more like me. Tara's the Goddess of Peace and Purity. She's sort of the complete opposite of Ripper, and she's what the mortals of our Realm ask for in times of turmoil and suffering. She's a peacemaker and since she's my niece she has a lot of love within her as well. Of what I know of Tara the mortal, she has flourished in her goddess persona for many years, and it seems the only thing that sustained her through a very rough family life. The only thing that will change is how she reacts to the rest of us. You'll see why when you find out who her mother is."

"Willow, my dear Willow. The only thing that is different between you and my dearest sister is that my sister is not the shy type of person. She is much like the woman that you have become. If this is mine, or Buffy Summers influence then I am greatly honored that I could help you to become the person that I love today. My sister, she babbles, she gets confused sometimes, but she is caring to all those around her, and there is not a person in Heaven or Hell that she could possibly hate or despise. In times of need, she is calm, confident, and easily takes control of the situation in the crisis. As I said, the only difference is that my sister is not the shy type."

"And my dear Xander. You are the embodiment of my brother, my older brother Alexander. He is the God of Justice and Truth. No doubt, in my presence you can already feel your blood boiling at the injustice of Giles dying, or even feeling the lingering pain of my own death at so young an age. Or maybe the injustice of Joyce dying of something so minor when everybody said that she would be fine. Or maybe even…"

"All right! You're right! I do feel my blood boiling at all of these injustices that I can't take care of myself, and I do wish that I could make everything right! And its not right to kill off Giles like this! There's got to be something that you can…" Xander pleaded.

"Alexander, you are the God of Justice, but you are also the God of Truth." Joshua interrupted. "You know as well as we do that this must be the way that it is. Nothing, not how you feel, not how we feel, not how Giles feels can change the truth of that fact."

"What's your point?" Xander, or is it Alexander now, said bitterly.

" My point is, that each of you has a place where you belong in our Realm, just as I do. Each of you is needed. And so each of you will be reawakened." Buffy continued, "But if it helps, there will be little else of you changed either Xander. Alexander, my brother, is a good man. He has a heart of gold and the will of a lion. Xander, so much of you, the first day that I met you, was so much like my brother all ready. Then as time went by and you gained more self-confidence, you became exactly like my brother. We all have our moments and times of doubt, but you have the same sense of humor, the same love for life, the same sense of honor and justice. Let me ask you one more thing, and I'll tell you how you'll feel before you tell me, OK?"

"OK, try me," he challenged.

"You'll feel loss, regret in its deepest form and maybe a slight case of anger and fury. But mostly you might feel confused for no reason at all." Buffy told him.

"Are you going to ask your question or not?" he asked impatiently.

"Do you think that Faith was punished fairly for all of the crimes she committed against the state and against us?" it came out of nowhere.

And damned if he didn't feel exactly as she had described as he realized the question. He felt regret in the deepest parts of his soul, wishing that he could have done something to turn the brunette Slayer from the dark path that she traveled. Then he remembered all the things she had done; killed, lied to her friends, tortured Buffy, kicked him out right after having sex with him! He was briefly filled with a flash of furious anger, but it quickly faded away as he thought of the answer to the question. Was she punished fairly? She had been alienated, chased by the police, and forced to face her piers. Now she was incarcerated in the LA county jail until her court date in three months. (A whole lot of backwater garbage and stuff)

So he was confused. Personally, yeah he felt that she deserved another chance, but that was him. He had forgiven her a long time ago. But the court system seemed to disagree with him, and despite all its flaws, it was still the law, and there was also a part of him, the raging part that wanted her to suffer for all eternity. He sighed. "I don't know." He finally answered.

Satisfied, Buffy finally got off his back. And onto Joshua's. Literally.

"So, Big Bro. How's it been hanging at home and when can we go back? As absolutely great as Earth is, I really wanna see Mom and Dad again. By the way did you find Uncle Fey?" she asked.

Joshua grunted slightly when the blond had jumped on him, but he smiled. He had missed her antics. Standing as straight as he could, making it as difficult as possible for the woman to remain on him, he answered, "Actually, yes we did find 'Uncle Fey'. About two days after everybody left. And we can go home when we've found everybody and reawakened their godhoods. As for Mom and Dad, they miss you. They miss just about everybody actually. Except for Oz. He always smelled."

"Oz?" Willow asked.

Buffy's eyes widened in shock as she remembered Oz, both Oz's. "Oh, Mother in Heaven! I've completely forgotten about Oz! He was here! And so was Cordelia, but she'll be easy to find. Oz left about seven, almost eight months ago to find a cure/control over his werewolf side! His cousin, here on Earth was a were wolf and bit him. Willow and Oz dated in high school, then he ran across this female were wolf, and lets just say that he didn't exactly trust himself, with the wolf inside of him, around Willow anymore. Then he showed up again and got captured by the Initiative."

"OK, as fascinating as the whole story is, do you know where he is now?" Joshua interrupted.

Buffy shook her head no, "No idea. He took off and hasn't been back since."

"Wait a minute." Willow said, "Oz is a god too? What's he, the god of music?"

"Um, no, but it is one of his famous talents." Joshua answered, smirking. "He's the God of, well, he's the God of Animals to put it simply."

At everyone's confused looks, Joshua tried to elaborate. "Well, it was decided when our parents were first given the Realm we live in that they could pretty much do whatever they wanted with it. Catch was, they wanted to fill it with something more than just stuff, and so they asked God if they could fill it up with creatures, living thinking things. He agreed, but said that only one creature could reside there. Long story short, Mom and Dad chose to have Man, humans, as the creature of their Realm. Well, there's a very good reason why it says in the Word that God created man in His own image. Turns out, that in Heaven, man has the exact same powers pretty much. He can create whatever his mind imagines. So after a time, the humans of our Realm were getting bored with just farming and living. They wanted to hunt, so they began to imagine and "create" animals within the Realm. These animals are a lot like medieval monsters and lore creatures. You know, dragons, man-wolves, winged-lions, unicorns, and ofcourse animals they could hunt like deer, antelope, ferriers, various birds, and so forth. Well, there had to be somebody to keep all these animals in check and to make sure that Man could not create more dangerous creatures, so Oz was given the job. Funny thing is, he always had a crush on Willow, but she never returned his feelings, always too wrapped up in her own work."

"So, uh, who's next? I mean this all sounds great, but like Buffy, I'd rather remember it rather than hear about it. And I want to meet Tara's mother, too," said Willow after he finished.

As she said this, Joshua and Buffy exchanged a brief look. Turning back to Willow, his youngest sister, Joshua informed them, "Well, uh that's the thing. Buffy just re-attained her powers today. That kind of put a big surge of power right on top of another big power source, the Hellmouth. For safety sakes, we have to kind of space out the re-awakenings. So tomorrow I'll give Alexander and Ripper their swords, and I'll start helping Willow with her research. Buffy, maybe you should have a talk or two with Tara. In the meantime, I'll see if I can find Oz and get a message to him to come back here ASAP. Have fun kids!" And with that, he disappeared in his unique teleportation signature.

"Uh, Buffy what did he mean, help me with research?" Willow asked nervously.

"I get a sword? Cool!" Xander exclaimed.

"Talk about what Buffy?" Tara.

"Buffy are you sure you're all right? I mean if you need to rest or even eat something more after your ordeal, I'll be happy to…" Giles.

"GUYS!" Buffy yelled over their voices. Suddenly all talk ceased.

"Giles. He's right about the whole power thing, but there's more to it." She began. "Since I am the goddess of love, in order to keep me and my power stabilized, I have to have a counterpart to my powers. I need the god of war in his position of power in order to maintain the balance. So, what I'm saying is that tomorrow, you'll be given back your godhood. We're giving Xander back his sword because we both know that Xander will want to hold on for as long as he can, and will resist whatever it would take for him to access his powers. For you, I imagine as soon as you have your sword back in your hand, you'll know exactly what to do."

"I-I…I understand Buffy. What is it exactly that you need me to do?" Giles asked quietly.

"Well, I suggest giving all your books to Willow, because Ripper was never exactly the bookworm type. That and she'll need all the information she can get for the upcoming weeks. And don't worry Giles. You'll still be there. It's not like you haven't been aware of the different person that exists inside of you. You've been trying to hide him for a long time. I imagine that he'll do the same with you, but whatever happens, he's a part of you, and you're a part of him. That and you'll look a whole lot younger, plus the whole god part of it."

"Younger?" Giles brightened.

Buffy only smiled her "devil's" smile and turned to Tara. "We need to talk." With that, Buffy took Tara's hand and together they disappeared in Buffy's own unique teleport. Now that the "gods" were gone, the others began to wonder what to do with themselves. Giles went over to some legal documents he had in a drawer, which he had been contemplating. Now, he immediately signed them and presented them to Anya.

"Anya, the store's all yours. Legally. I had these drawn up last week sometime; I've just been waiting for the time to do something with them. I figure now is as good a time as any," he says as she looks soulfully up at him. She surprises him by suddenly taking him up in a hug.

"Thank you for everything Giles," she says quietly. He mutters something back, which she thinks sounds a lot like, "You're welcome…daughter,"