Faith always knew that the Sunnydale P.D. was as crooked as hell, but this shocked her. She had worked up the courage to tell Kate everything that she had done, but now she had found out that she hadn't done them, well not as far as the Police were concerned. The deputy mayor was apparently killed by a man named Yale Ludlow, who was serving life in Sacramento now, and the professor wasn't even dead according to these records, he was working in Cleveland. How the hell was Faith supposed to pay for what she had done, and then start over if she officially hadn't done these things?
Faith's lawyer was just a DA groupie, he told her to stop deluding herself and to just fight what they wanted to charge her with. What were they charging her with anyway? Beating up a pimp who tried to get her to work the streets. Assault, that was it. When they bothered to check her file in Boston, they'd find out it wasn't the first time either. She'd got done so many times in Boston that she'd known all the police officers by name, and that wouldn't look good. The DA guy had said that if she pleaded guilty, then she'd get a year max, with parole after four months. It sounded great, but it didn't exactly fit the crime, she felt she deserved much worse.
Faith was a little lonely here, she hadn't spoken to any of the others yet, but Angel had visited her once or twice, and Kate was here almost every day. The person Faith really wanted to talk to though was Buffy. Faith had totally screwed Buffy over, and she had never said sorry.
***************
Faith pleaded guilty and got the year. She spent the whole year in the prison library. One of Faith's biggest regrets was that she had never finished High School, so Faith studied like crazy, and took her GED. 'Hell,' she reasoned with herself, 'it's only a year late.'
Faith refused parole when it came up. She said she wanted to pay the price for what she had done. They never questioned further.
So the year passed, and Faith was released. Nothing big happened, there was no one there to great her, but at least she had somewhere to go. Angel had visited as often as he could, but that wasn't much. The person she had got to know best was Kate. Kate had visited almost every week, and it was with Kate that Faith was going to stay for a while.
Kate lived near the beach in Santa Monica. She had received a large amount of money about six months before, and had bought a new apartment. It had a large balcony, which was where Faith was standing at that moment.
'I haven't seen the sea in so long.' Faith said, savouring her newfound freedom. 'I just want to stand here forever.'
'It might get a bit boring after a while. Why don't you stop looking at it and have something to eat. I've got a day off tomorrow, so we can spend it on the beach if you want to.'
'Sound's good. What's for dinner?'
'Chicken and salad. I haven't had much time to cook, so there wasn't much choice. We're going to see Angel later, so if you're still hungry later, you can grab a burger then.'
'Sounds fine, I'm used to eating the crap the state pens provide so it smells like heaven.'
************
Buffy was uneasy. Angel had phoned her to say that Faith was out of jail now. A lot had changed in the year, and inside Buffy knew that Faith wasn't dangerous anymore, but she was still uneasy. The uneasiness was probably guilt more that anything else though. Buffy hadn't once been to see Faith, to make her peace. It was easier to pretend that Faith was still a psycho, than to acknowledge that perhaps Faith had been right, that it was all as much Buffy's fault as Faith's. Buffy had been there too when the Deputy Mayor had died, and she'd been more concerned with Angel that how Faith was doing. Then it had been Buffy who had put Faith in an eight month coma, but it was Faith that had gone to prison for assault, not Buffy. That just proved that the world sucked. Faith had accidentally killed a man, and had been treated like an animal, but Buffy had purposely tried to kill Faith, and had been treated like a hero. Perhaps it wasn't Buffy that had to forgive Faith; perhaps it was Faith that had to forgive Buffy.
********
Faith was having one of the greatest days of her life. Just 36 hours ago, she had been sitting in a prison cell, now she was lying in a new bikini, on the beach next to a gorgeous woman. Ok, Kate wasn't interested in Faith, and Faith wasn't really interested in Kate, (although she wouldn't have said no) but still, what a difference.
Angel had been great. He had offered Faith a receptionist's job, now that Cordelia had finally landed an acting job. She would be earning a good wage, and she would be helping others. Wesley had been a little cold, but that was completely understandable, and he had agreed to be her watcher again. Things couldn't have been better, except for one thing, Buffy. Faith hadn't seen her since the night she had turned herself in. She could remember every detail of that night, especially the look of contempt that Buffy had given her. She had more than deserved it though. Faith had tried to ruin Buffy's life, and why? Just to piss her off. Faith loved Buffy, but she knew that she had hardly even been Buffy's friend. Faith had been so embarrassed about how she felt that she had lashed out, and things started to go wrong. Faith had always seen herself as a mistake. She loved slaying, but she could never shake off the feeling that someone would just turn around and say, sorry we don't need you. Then Faith would be back where she started, a street kid with a bad mouth and a worse reputation.
****************
Faith was at the mall. Her wardrobe consisted of leather and denim, and Angel didn't think that it was appropriate for the receptionist job. He had given her an advance and told her to go buy something. Faith was not finding it easy at all. So far she had a black pair of pants, and a white shirt. That would be ok, but Faith just felt stupid. Her tough-girl clothes were like armour to her. They shut out everybody, and kept her protected from getting too close to anyone. In this she felt like a regular kid. Maybe that was for the best. Hell, she would still wear the leather after work, why not keep work Faith and Slayer Faith as separate as possible (which wasn't very easy when you were going to work with a vampire.) They said Buffy was one of the oldest slayers ever, and that she stayed alive by having things to live for. So that was what Faith had to find, things to live for. But Faith already had something to live for. Her dream that seemed almost impossible, that Buffy would forgive her. Hell, why were things so complicated?
*****************
Buffy had been uneasy for days. All her friends had noticed it. Xander, who was still very bitter, tried to convince the others that it was because she was afraid that Faith would be back here any day to try and kill them all. The others could see that it was deeper than that though. They could see that Buffy was struggling inside herself. They could see the guilt that she was feeling. They all tried to comfort her, but nothing worked, she wouldn't snap out of it.
**********************
Buffy hadn't come home that night. Dawn had phoned Giles, who had told all of the others. It was Willow who found her though. She was just sitting in a tree, outside the apartment that the mayor had given Faith. She was just looking at a boarded up window, the one that they had crashed through in their last fight. It reminded her of what they had done to each other, and what she had to forgive herself for.
"I thought I might find you here." Willow climbed up the tree and sat next to Buffy. "You used to spend hours here the summer after graduation. Why are you here? I know you used to come here to feel guilty and mopey, but what's up now?"
"The usual guilty and mopey thing. I never went to say sorry."
"What for?"
"A certain eight month coma. I know I should be over it all. I mean it was two years ago, but I never said sorry for it. Then she went to jail, and I never went to see her."
"Buffy, Faith was a psycho. She wouldn't care if you said sorry or not. She never said sorry for anything she did."
"She did though. She sent me a long letter about two months ago. She apologised for everything. She even explained why she did some of the stuff, but I never wrote back, or went to see her. I should have gone to say thanks; I have to say some things to her. I have to know that she doesn't hate me."
"Why would you care? We're talking about a murder. She has no morals. She only ever thinks of herself, what could you possibly have to say to her."
"She made a mistake. She killed someone accidentally. It would have been me that killed him if I hadn't stopped a half-second earlier. Then I was so scared of what I almost did that I turned into a self-righteous bitch. I never once asked how she was doing. We turned her into a villain, because we were never there. Then she was permanently the evil one. She accidentally killed a guy and ended up as a villain, then I tried to kill her, and ended up putting her in an eight-month coma, and I end up a hero. That is fucked up. She went to prison to put things right, and I never even said sorry."
"Then go and say sorry to her. You know where she is. Take a day, and go tell her everything you just told me."
"Thanks Will, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Neither do I. Now go home, Dawn's worried about you."
**********
"Hello, Angel Investigations, how can I help you?" Faith was getting used to the work thing. After a week and a half she was finally able to be polite.
"Faith? Is that you?" A voice came from the other end of the line.
"Who is that? I can't hear you?"
"It's Buffy."
"B? I'll put Angel on."
"No, don't. I need to talk to you."
"Sure, shoot."
"In person. Are you free this afternoon? I'm in LA for the day."
"Sure, where can I meet you? My lunch break's in twenty minutes."
" I'll come to the office. See you in twenty minutes."
**********
I was awkward. It was more than awkward. Awkward was an understatement. They had at least been able to say a few words to each other on the phone. Now they couldn't say anything to each other. Faith just looked at her plate, Buffy stared at the wall. The air was thick with guilt, but no one could bear to say sorry first, or last so no one spoke.
"This is stupid. I can't do this." Faith moved to get up.
"I'm sorry Faith. There I said it, now you can go."
"B, you have nothing to be sorry about. I was a psycho, who tried to ruin your life more times than I can count. I was jealous of you, so I tried to take everything you had away from you."
"Faith, I put you in a coma for eight months, and I never even said sorry."
"B, I don't care about that. I respected you for doing that, you never had to say sorry for it. In a way I wish I had died. Then at least I could have paid for everything that I tried to do. I killed people; I tried to kill all of your best friends. There is no way I can even begin to make up for all the things that I did, but if there is anything I can do to start to help things, tell me."
"Faith, here's a deal. You forgive me, and I forgive you. We start again, and forget all the crap that happened. As far as I'm concerned, you are a better person than I ever was. You had the guts to face up to everything that you did. You went to jail to pay for it. I tried to forget what I did, and carry on as normal, and I never paid for what I did."
" If you can forgive me, I can forgive you. You know what gets me the most? I never got to say sorry to your mom. She was like the mom I never had. She was great to me, but I threw it all back in her face, and I never got a chance to sort things out with her."
"She knew. When I came back from LA, and told them all what happened, she wanted to go and see you. She saw that you were what I could have been without her, so she wanted to let you know that she was there. I wouldn't let her go, because I thought that you'd throw it all back in her face again. It was wrong of me, but I couldn't see that. She always planned to go and see you, but then she go sick and things went a bit wrong. She knew that you were sorry the moment I told her that you had turned yourself in to the police."
Buffy looked at Faith and saw that she had tear in her eyes.
"What happened to you Faith? You are a completely different person to the one I knew two years ago."
"No offence B, but you never knew me. You saw the narcissistic, hard girl exterior that I showed to the world. I can't deal with that anymore. I have to go, I've got work to do."
Buffy just sat there for a while. She stared into space thinking. Faith had been a different person. The bad mouthed, confident girl had gone. In her place was a woman, who seemed a lot older than her 19 years. Faith now had the air of a world-weary traveller. That was wrong, Faith had lost the spark that made her Faith, she was broody, and that didn't suit her at all.
********
Faith sat at her desk, blankly staring into space. The others had given up asking what was wrong, that just seemed to make her worse. She had shut everyone out. You could see it in her eyes, a wall had gone up. The Faith that they had seen over the past few days had disappeared, but the old Faith wasn't back. All that was there was a shell.
Faith was thinking. She knew that she had fucked things up with Buffy, again. She had tried to be something that she wasn't. She had wanted Buffy to see that she had really changed, but she had ended up making a fool of herself, and running away. A typical Faith tactic, running away from things.
"If I want to prove that I'm a different person, I can't run away from this," Faith thought to herself. " I have to prove to B that I can take responsibility for everything now."
********
Buffy was still sitting at the table, she heard someone walk up behind her.
"I'm sorry." It was Faith. That was all she said. It was an odd sight, Buffy didn't move for a moment, and neither did Faith.
"What for? What else is there that you think you have to be sorry for?"
"Lying to you. I said that you never knew me, but you did. It scared me how well you knew me."
"I didn't know you, I just understood why you did things. You did things for the same reasons that I did things; because you were scared of letting people get too close. There are precisely six people that I was ever close to: Mom, who's dead; Angel who left me; Riley who also left me; Willow who's still around; Dawn who's mad because she thinks I'm overprotective; and you, and I put a knife in your gut. I'm not a good person to get close to. You understand that, you're the only one who does."
"B, I never had anyone who I was close to. I'm poison, you don't want to get close to me."
"I already am. I'm so sorry that I abandoned you. I'm scared of you in a way, you're everything that I could be and part of what happened to you was my fault."
"It was never your fault. I did a bunch of fucked up things because I was jealous of you. I was a mistake, and I never got over that."
"You were never a mistake. You were more of a slayer than I ever was. You were honest about things, and I tried to forget everything."
"Look we can argue for as long as we want over who was more fucked up, but in the end it comes down to one thing; do you trust me?"
"Always."
"Then let's cut the crap and get things back to the way they were before."
"I don't want things back the way they were before."
"How do you want them then?"
"You used to be left out of everything, this time let's do this together."
"If you can handle it, B. I'm up for together."
That was it. The chosen two were back. In the end, forgiveness wasn't forgiving each other. It was forgiving themselves.
Faith's lawyer was just a DA groupie, he told her to stop deluding herself and to just fight what they wanted to charge her with. What were they charging her with anyway? Beating up a pimp who tried to get her to work the streets. Assault, that was it. When they bothered to check her file in Boston, they'd find out it wasn't the first time either. She'd got done so many times in Boston that she'd known all the police officers by name, and that wouldn't look good. The DA guy had said that if she pleaded guilty, then she'd get a year max, with parole after four months. It sounded great, but it didn't exactly fit the crime, she felt she deserved much worse.
Faith was a little lonely here, she hadn't spoken to any of the others yet, but Angel had visited her once or twice, and Kate was here almost every day. The person Faith really wanted to talk to though was Buffy. Faith had totally screwed Buffy over, and she had never said sorry.
***************
Faith pleaded guilty and got the year. She spent the whole year in the prison library. One of Faith's biggest regrets was that she had never finished High School, so Faith studied like crazy, and took her GED. 'Hell,' she reasoned with herself, 'it's only a year late.'
Faith refused parole when it came up. She said she wanted to pay the price for what she had done. They never questioned further.
So the year passed, and Faith was released. Nothing big happened, there was no one there to great her, but at least she had somewhere to go. Angel had visited as often as he could, but that wasn't much. The person she had got to know best was Kate. Kate had visited almost every week, and it was with Kate that Faith was going to stay for a while.
Kate lived near the beach in Santa Monica. She had received a large amount of money about six months before, and had bought a new apartment. It had a large balcony, which was where Faith was standing at that moment.
'I haven't seen the sea in so long.' Faith said, savouring her newfound freedom. 'I just want to stand here forever.'
'It might get a bit boring after a while. Why don't you stop looking at it and have something to eat. I've got a day off tomorrow, so we can spend it on the beach if you want to.'
'Sound's good. What's for dinner?'
'Chicken and salad. I haven't had much time to cook, so there wasn't much choice. We're going to see Angel later, so if you're still hungry later, you can grab a burger then.'
'Sounds fine, I'm used to eating the crap the state pens provide so it smells like heaven.'
************
Buffy was uneasy. Angel had phoned her to say that Faith was out of jail now. A lot had changed in the year, and inside Buffy knew that Faith wasn't dangerous anymore, but she was still uneasy. The uneasiness was probably guilt more that anything else though. Buffy hadn't once been to see Faith, to make her peace. It was easier to pretend that Faith was still a psycho, than to acknowledge that perhaps Faith had been right, that it was all as much Buffy's fault as Faith's. Buffy had been there too when the Deputy Mayor had died, and she'd been more concerned with Angel that how Faith was doing. Then it had been Buffy who had put Faith in an eight month coma, but it was Faith that had gone to prison for assault, not Buffy. That just proved that the world sucked. Faith had accidentally killed a man, and had been treated like an animal, but Buffy had purposely tried to kill Faith, and had been treated like a hero. Perhaps it wasn't Buffy that had to forgive Faith; perhaps it was Faith that had to forgive Buffy.
********
Faith was having one of the greatest days of her life. Just 36 hours ago, she had been sitting in a prison cell, now she was lying in a new bikini, on the beach next to a gorgeous woman. Ok, Kate wasn't interested in Faith, and Faith wasn't really interested in Kate, (although she wouldn't have said no) but still, what a difference.
Angel had been great. He had offered Faith a receptionist's job, now that Cordelia had finally landed an acting job. She would be earning a good wage, and she would be helping others. Wesley had been a little cold, but that was completely understandable, and he had agreed to be her watcher again. Things couldn't have been better, except for one thing, Buffy. Faith hadn't seen her since the night she had turned herself in. She could remember every detail of that night, especially the look of contempt that Buffy had given her. She had more than deserved it though. Faith had tried to ruin Buffy's life, and why? Just to piss her off. Faith loved Buffy, but she knew that she had hardly even been Buffy's friend. Faith had been so embarrassed about how she felt that she had lashed out, and things started to go wrong. Faith had always seen herself as a mistake. She loved slaying, but she could never shake off the feeling that someone would just turn around and say, sorry we don't need you. Then Faith would be back where she started, a street kid with a bad mouth and a worse reputation.
****************
Faith was at the mall. Her wardrobe consisted of leather and denim, and Angel didn't think that it was appropriate for the receptionist job. He had given her an advance and told her to go buy something. Faith was not finding it easy at all. So far she had a black pair of pants, and a white shirt. That would be ok, but Faith just felt stupid. Her tough-girl clothes were like armour to her. They shut out everybody, and kept her protected from getting too close to anyone. In this she felt like a regular kid. Maybe that was for the best. Hell, she would still wear the leather after work, why not keep work Faith and Slayer Faith as separate as possible (which wasn't very easy when you were going to work with a vampire.) They said Buffy was one of the oldest slayers ever, and that she stayed alive by having things to live for. So that was what Faith had to find, things to live for. But Faith already had something to live for. Her dream that seemed almost impossible, that Buffy would forgive her. Hell, why were things so complicated?
*****************
Buffy had been uneasy for days. All her friends had noticed it. Xander, who was still very bitter, tried to convince the others that it was because she was afraid that Faith would be back here any day to try and kill them all. The others could see that it was deeper than that though. They could see that Buffy was struggling inside herself. They could see the guilt that she was feeling. They all tried to comfort her, but nothing worked, she wouldn't snap out of it.
**********************
Buffy hadn't come home that night. Dawn had phoned Giles, who had told all of the others. It was Willow who found her though. She was just sitting in a tree, outside the apartment that the mayor had given Faith. She was just looking at a boarded up window, the one that they had crashed through in their last fight. It reminded her of what they had done to each other, and what she had to forgive herself for.
"I thought I might find you here." Willow climbed up the tree and sat next to Buffy. "You used to spend hours here the summer after graduation. Why are you here? I know you used to come here to feel guilty and mopey, but what's up now?"
"The usual guilty and mopey thing. I never went to say sorry."
"What for?"
"A certain eight month coma. I know I should be over it all. I mean it was two years ago, but I never said sorry for it. Then she went to jail, and I never went to see her."
"Buffy, Faith was a psycho. She wouldn't care if you said sorry or not. She never said sorry for anything she did."
"She did though. She sent me a long letter about two months ago. She apologised for everything. She even explained why she did some of the stuff, but I never wrote back, or went to see her. I should have gone to say thanks; I have to say some things to her. I have to know that she doesn't hate me."
"Why would you care? We're talking about a murder. She has no morals. She only ever thinks of herself, what could you possibly have to say to her."
"She made a mistake. She killed someone accidentally. It would have been me that killed him if I hadn't stopped a half-second earlier. Then I was so scared of what I almost did that I turned into a self-righteous bitch. I never once asked how she was doing. We turned her into a villain, because we were never there. Then she was permanently the evil one. She accidentally killed a guy and ended up as a villain, then I tried to kill her, and ended up putting her in an eight-month coma, and I end up a hero. That is fucked up. She went to prison to put things right, and I never even said sorry."
"Then go and say sorry to her. You know where she is. Take a day, and go tell her everything you just told me."
"Thanks Will, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Neither do I. Now go home, Dawn's worried about you."
**********
"Hello, Angel Investigations, how can I help you?" Faith was getting used to the work thing. After a week and a half she was finally able to be polite.
"Faith? Is that you?" A voice came from the other end of the line.
"Who is that? I can't hear you?"
"It's Buffy."
"B? I'll put Angel on."
"No, don't. I need to talk to you."
"Sure, shoot."
"In person. Are you free this afternoon? I'm in LA for the day."
"Sure, where can I meet you? My lunch break's in twenty minutes."
" I'll come to the office. See you in twenty minutes."
**********
I was awkward. It was more than awkward. Awkward was an understatement. They had at least been able to say a few words to each other on the phone. Now they couldn't say anything to each other. Faith just looked at her plate, Buffy stared at the wall. The air was thick with guilt, but no one could bear to say sorry first, or last so no one spoke.
"This is stupid. I can't do this." Faith moved to get up.
"I'm sorry Faith. There I said it, now you can go."
"B, you have nothing to be sorry about. I was a psycho, who tried to ruin your life more times than I can count. I was jealous of you, so I tried to take everything you had away from you."
"Faith, I put you in a coma for eight months, and I never even said sorry."
"B, I don't care about that. I respected you for doing that, you never had to say sorry for it. In a way I wish I had died. Then at least I could have paid for everything that I tried to do. I killed people; I tried to kill all of your best friends. There is no way I can even begin to make up for all the things that I did, but if there is anything I can do to start to help things, tell me."
"Faith, here's a deal. You forgive me, and I forgive you. We start again, and forget all the crap that happened. As far as I'm concerned, you are a better person than I ever was. You had the guts to face up to everything that you did. You went to jail to pay for it. I tried to forget what I did, and carry on as normal, and I never paid for what I did."
" If you can forgive me, I can forgive you. You know what gets me the most? I never got to say sorry to your mom. She was like the mom I never had. She was great to me, but I threw it all back in her face, and I never got a chance to sort things out with her."
"She knew. When I came back from LA, and told them all what happened, she wanted to go and see you. She saw that you were what I could have been without her, so she wanted to let you know that she was there. I wouldn't let her go, because I thought that you'd throw it all back in her face again. It was wrong of me, but I couldn't see that. She always planned to go and see you, but then she go sick and things went a bit wrong. She knew that you were sorry the moment I told her that you had turned yourself in to the police."
Buffy looked at Faith and saw that she had tear in her eyes.
"What happened to you Faith? You are a completely different person to the one I knew two years ago."
"No offence B, but you never knew me. You saw the narcissistic, hard girl exterior that I showed to the world. I can't deal with that anymore. I have to go, I've got work to do."
Buffy just sat there for a while. She stared into space thinking. Faith had been a different person. The bad mouthed, confident girl had gone. In her place was a woman, who seemed a lot older than her 19 years. Faith now had the air of a world-weary traveller. That was wrong, Faith had lost the spark that made her Faith, she was broody, and that didn't suit her at all.
********
Faith sat at her desk, blankly staring into space. The others had given up asking what was wrong, that just seemed to make her worse. She had shut everyone out. You could see it in her eyes, a wall had gone up. The Faith that they had seen over the past few days had disappeared, but the old Faith wasn't back. All that was there was a shell.
Faith was thinking. She knew that she had fucked things up with Buffy, again. She had tried to be something that she wasn't. She had wanted Buffy to see that she had really changed, but she had ended up making a fool of herself, and running away. A typical Faith tactic, running away from things.
"If I want to prove that I'm a different person, I can't run away from this," Faith thought to herself. " I have to prove to B that I can take responsibility for everything now."
********
Buffy was still sitting at the table, she heard someone walk up behind her.
"I'm sorry." It was Faith. That was all she said. It was an odd sight, Buffy didn't move for a moment, and neither did Faith.
"What for? What else is there that you think you have to be sorry for?"
"Lying to you. I said that you never knew me, but you did. It scared me how well you knew me."
"I didn't know you, I just understood why you did things. You did things for the same reasons that I did things; because you were scared of letting people get too close. There are precisely six people that I was ever close to: Mom, who's dead; Angel who left me; Riley who also left me; Willow who's still around; Dawn who's mad because she thinks I'm overprotective; and you, and I put a knife in your gut. I'm not a good person to get close to. You understand that, you're the only one who does."
"B, I never had anyone who I was close to. I'm poison, you don't want to get close to me."
"I already am. I'm so sorry that I abandoned you. I'm scared of you in a way, you're everything that I could be and part of what happened to you was my fault."
"It was never your fault. I did a bunch of fucked up things because I was jealous of you. I was a mistake, and I never got over that."
"You were never a mistake. You were more of a slayer than I ever was. You were honest about things, and I tried to forget everything."
"Look we can argue for as long as we want over who was more fucked up, but in the end it comes down to one thing; do you trust me?"
"Always."
"Then let's cut the crap and get things back to the way they were before."
"I don't want things back the way they were before."
"How do you want them then?"
"You used to be left out of everything, this time let's do this together."
"If you can handle it, B. I'm up for together."
That was it. The chosen two were back. In the end, forgiveness wasn't forgiving each other. It was forgiving themselves.