Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everything and everyone within the HP books. Britney belongs to B.S. Christina belongs to… Augilera.
Author's Note: Wow… it's been a long time since we've seen any updates on these AMAZINGLY FUNNY stories… okay. I'm sorry. The name of the song will appear at the end… J though you can probably guess beforehand… OH… and, Britney is probably NOT as, like, Valley-Girl-ish as I make her, like, out to be, you know, so, like, don't, like, sue me??? Cuz, like, this is all for, like, the sake of funnyness??? Okay???
What They All Want- Their Revenge
It took Snape three days to recover from the shock. He'd gasped, falled off his chair, and landed with a big crack, unfortunately fainting before hitting the floor with his overlarge head. Once he'd come to, he'd given the entire Chorale detentions, before heading off to the infirmirary to treat the shock.
Malfoy, for one, was not happy. At their next meeting, he ran all over the place, cursing everything and blaming it on…
"I can't beLIEVE you talked me into this… Potter!!! My father's so mad he's- he's-… GRANGER!!! Hpow in the WORLD did you talk me into this?????? Professor Snape's- given- a WEEK!!! I'm going to KILL-"
Hermione finally lost her temper and sent a roll of duck tape his way, which proceeded to wind itself around Malfoy's mouth. He turned purple and began jumping up and down, trying to rip the tape off.
The rest of the group sighed. Lavender and Parvati looked scared. "I can't DUST for an entire WEEK," Lavender said unhappily. "My NAILS!!!"
Dean gave a cough. "Dusting? I've got to help Filch with the… TOILETS!!!"
Neville gave an unhappily murmur of assent. "I've got the filthy Owlery."
Harry, Hermione, and Ron were by no means happier. "We've got Snape's dungeon."
Everyone stared at them.
* * * * *
Meanwhile Britney Spears, over in her million-dollar house, was reading a strange piece of paper- it was cream-colored and thick, and had green ink writing on it.
Britney gave a gasp. "Oh, my Gosh!!! He gave them, like, detentions??? And it's like, all my fault!!!" And she commenced to crying.
"Those poor, like, little kids!!! And it was my stupid music… oh my gosh I feel so, like, responsible!!!"
She took up a pink, feather-ended pen filled with purple ink, and began writing.
* * * * *
The next day at the school, the Hogwarts Chorale Chrysanthemums walked around glumly. After completing their first days in detention, Hermione Granger whirled around the castle, rounding up her fellow singers/dancers, a very odd look on her face- it was similar to the one in their third year, when in the trunk of the DADA exam, she'd found that McGonagall was going to fail her. Now she wasn't quite as terrified- there was a whole lot of nervousness and frenziedness and hystericalness. Much more hystericalness.
"What's up, Hermione???" Harry and Ron asked her continually as they followed her around while she was collecting her people. This seemed to make her even more frenzied, if that was possible.
"I'LL TELL YOU LATER, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!!! With everyone else!!!" She finally screamed, her face red and her hair bushier than ever.
Harry and Ron backed away. "Ooookay, Hermy…"
She'd already run off.
* * * * *
Half an hour later (due to Malfoy's procrastinations), they all sat or stood in an empty classroom.
"LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione screamed.
THIS was a letter. A letter in purple ink, and on unicorn stationary.
Dear my singing group at that one
school, and Hermione,
I am soooo sorry for all the detentions you have to do. I am sooo stupid- because it was, like, my fault. You know what??? Even though I know that
everyone enjoyed my songs, like everyone in the world does, I just can't stand
it, like, everyone knowing it was ME who so totally ruined your lives with my
stupid songs. So, like, please… don't
use any of my songs again…unless, like I give you permission or
something. Because I can't BEAR to see
any of you guys hurt in any way or anything. I'm sooo sorry, again… you could probably use some other person's
song…even though, of course, it wouldn't be that good, you'd make it good,
because you guys have sung MY songs!!!
Lot's of Love,
Britney Spears
There was a long silence.
"AND WE'RE BOOKED TO SING AT THE THANKSGIVING FEAST!!!" Hermione yelled to nobody in particular.
"AND WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SING!!!" Draco yelled hysterically, then began screaming for the sake of screaming.
"I KNOW!!!" she yelled back, then began screaming for the sake of screaming.
"SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO SING!!!" Ron yelled, then began screaming for the sake of screaming.
"YEAH, BUT ALL WE HAD WAS B. S.!!!" Seamus yelled, then began screaming for the sake of screaming.
"SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!" Cho, Padma, Lavender and Parvati screamed, hands over their virgin ears.
"Fine then, let's do some LIMP BIZKIT!!!" Harry yelled.
Everyone stopped screaming to look at him.
"WHAT??????" Ron, Seamus, Lavender, Parvati, Draco, Cho, and Padma yelled.
"NO WAY!!!!" Hermione screamed.
"Yeah!!!" said Dean; SAID Dean, not SCREAMED Dean.
Professor McGonagall came in to find the source of all the screaming, followed by Professor Sprout and Professor Sinistra (Ravenclaw's Head of House).
"Miss Granger!" she said into the silence that greeted the teachers. "What is all this noise???"
Hermione gulped: her face was bright pink and her throat was dry.
Ron answered for her. "We were- practicing singing, and-"
"To enunciate and- er- sing louder," Harry chimed in.
"The higher octaves," Dean said with a straight face.
"Suggestive rock," Cho chimed in, glancing at Harry, who mouthed "My Way" to her, out of sight of the Professors.
"And we got a little- carried away…" Ron finished. They all grinned sheepishly.
Professor McGonagall gave them all, save Hermione, suspicious looks. "Very well then, but next time, use Room-Silencing Spells."
They waited until her and her colleagues' steps had faded well away into the castle before they erupted into LOUD, contagious, barking-mad laughter.
* * * * *
"So, what'll we do???" Harry and Ron asked Hermione as they were walking back to their dormitory. "We don't have ANY songs of Britney's, now… we've got to do something…"
At that moment, he fell silent. Snape was walking towards them. He'd shown a level of animosity incredible even for him-and now he had a look as if the lowest slugs of the universe were crawling by him. To top it off, he choked out a couple of sneering words to them. "Hope your detentions are satisfactory…" before breezing off, rage imminent in his wake.
The corridor seemed a tad freezing after that little encounter. At Snape's words, they'd remembered their last session- five hours of cleaning spotlessly, no magic, with brushes and soap and disinfectant… and some of Snape's bushwhickle extract exploded ("I wouldn't put it past him to've done it on purpose," Ron muttered)right into Hermione's face. Fortunately, it wasn't poisonous- just disgusting.
All three sighed. Then Hermione grinned. "I think I've got just the song."
* * * * *
On the night of the Thanksgiving feast, Dumbledore had to send fifteen firecrackers into the air before his audience calmed down; excitement was running high, and the popularity of their HCC had been getting bigger- what song would they sing today???
"As I see your nerves are stretched to breaking, we'll have our entertainment before we eat… let's give it up for our very own Hogwarts Chorale Chrysanthemums!!!"
A resounding cheer, as loud as the one in the World Cup, resulted, if not joined in by a certain Potions master.
As in the previous Halloween, the chairs swiveled to face the podium… but this time, the stage rose up into the air, hovering about three feet off the surface.
It was empty.
The entire audience sat, breathless, excitement muffled. After five seconds of complete silence, there was a BANG and firecracker-smoke lit up the Hall, which in an instant had been voided of light. After a few moments of pure darkness, "disco" lights began dancing around the chairs to a beat they could almost sing to. But where were the singers?
Their question was answered.
In the front of the stage stood the dancers- black silhouettes against a red light. They were moving to the light-beat.
POW!!!!!!!!!!!!
All at once, the singer and her co-singers leaped up from beneath the podium… and…
"What we all
want…
what we all
need…"
The co-singers rammed up into the song. There was a gasp from the Muggle-related part of the crowd… "No B.S.!!!"…"They did her enemy!!!"…etc…
"Whatever
makes us happy,
keeps
you mean…
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
Whatever
keeps us,
On your List…
(yeah,
come on)
ooooohhh…
"We
wanna thank you, for giving us, time to leave,
Like
a toad, you smiled so evilly-y…
While
we got it together,
While
we figgered it out…
We
only did, we never liked,
'Cause
in our minds was a voodoo of you,
Whippin'
legs, makin' pegs… and it's lucky for us ya don't know…
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
whatever makes us happy, keeps you mean…
we
don't thank you for knowing nothing about-
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
Whatever
keeps us on your List,
And
we don't thank you for being right here…
(yeah
yeah)
There came a slight pause. If one dared to look at Snape (which no one in their right minds would have, because they were liking (loving) the song…), they would have seen a very rare Human Syndrome… Rageious Totalus, from the bottom of his feet to the top of that greasy head. Not even Dumbledore noticed, so deeply was he absorbed in trying to do "cool" dance moves from the 1800's…
No
weaker man could have sneered away,
But
you were It,
Though
not enough to move away,
While
we got it together,
While
we figgered this out…
They
say, if you hate something let it go,
If
it comes back, too bad,
That's
how life goes,
It's
forever, yeah, it's for sure,
Until
you're ready and willin' to give us more,
Than…
Snape by this time was bright red and levitating in his anger, and by the time the chorus passed again, he was ten feet up and still going. Amazingly, no one noticed.
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
Whatever makes us happy, keeps you mean…
We
don't thank you for knowing nothing about-
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
Whatever
keeps us on your List,
And
we don't thank you, for being right here…
"We
all need somebody better and not rough,
Somebody
there when your going is tough,
Every
class, he'll deliver our class,
In
just one piece,
Somebody
cool, but real easy, too,
Somebody,
Snapy, unlike you,
Can
keep us dyin around,
With
you who never knew…
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
whatever makes us happy, keeps you mean…
we
don't thank you for knowing nothing about-
What
we all want,
What
we all need,
Whatever
keeps us on your List,
And
we don't thank you for being right here…
What'cha
got, is NOT what we wan-"
And Snape exploded.
"NOW WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF YOU STUPID STUDENTS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO FOR ALL YOU NASTY, STUPID, DISGUSTING THINGS, YOU SLUGS… HOW DARE YOU, I WILL REPORT THIS!!!! POTTER!!!! WEASLEY!!!!!! GRANGER!!! DENTIONS, ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!"
Dumbledore looked in amazement at Professor, exploding fifteen feet up from the table.
Fortunately, this was one of the times when Dumbledore had become "temporarily deaf".
"My dear Severus!!! I think it wouldn't do to you to have any extra excitement!!! I think this might be just a tad bit too much music for you… Poppy???"
Madame Pomfrey was already waving her wand, muttering crossly about "too much rotten excitement, teacher don't know anything about health…"
Snape's eyes popped out of his head.
"DON'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME!!!!!!!! I WILL EXPEL THESE STUPID, MOTHER ******* STUDENTS FROM THIS ******* SCHOOL!!!!!! WHY THE **** I NEVER DID ANYTHING BEFORE IS BEYOND ME!!!! POTTER!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Madame Pomfrey soon restored Snape to a snoring, jerking dummy, which she escorted up to her nurse's dominion.
*
Surprisingly, the song finished with all its grandeur, oblivious to Snape's yells. In fact, Potter, Weasley, and Granger might have been grinning as they sang…
When the jeans/tight-shirted girls and jean/cut-offed t'shiryt guys finished, there was an applause of…
"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! GO HOGWARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *whistles* YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And just general screaming. Not even BSB got this much attention.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron exchanged high-fives, only to drown in a surge of bodies from the crowd, which seemed to have forgotten all about food.
And in a ward in the infirmirary, Snape rested tightly oin a bed, hands shaking and making punching motions once in a while. Watching him, Madame Pomfrey chuckled.
"What they all want…"
Another Author's Note: If you haven't guessed yet… *drumbeat* Christina Augilera's "What A Girl Wants." Whoooohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!