Final Fantasy Survivor
Chapter Two: Fun With Fire!!!!!
By: The Pink Apocalypse, Sha the
Confused, and Robinc
~Cue Survivor Music~
The sun is setting on the tropical paradise. A beautiful, luscious woman with chocolate brown
hair, dripping with turquoise beads of water, steps out of the surf. She flips her head back gracefully, her
clothes sticking to her ample frame, amplifying every seductive move. The camera turns to our host, Zidane Tribal,
his mouth hanging open, drooling with desire, his tail flipping back and forth
moving faster then a human eye can follow.
He quickly turns to the camera and says, "Welcome to the Playboy
Swimsuit Special – I mean Survivor! Our
two tribes first task is to build themselves a shelter which they will inhabit
until the merger. If you look behind me
you will see a slightly mauled Neves Tribe pulling itself out of the water with
the supplies they were able to wrestle away from the sharks."
The camera pans over to the Neves focusing on Cid sprawled
face down on the sand. He tries to
shriek a profanity of your choosing but ends up with a mouth full of sand. Cait Sith is seen jumping up and down
yelling happily, "Let's do that again!!!"
At which, Sephiroth holds out his arm and slams Cait off his
mog, saying under his breath, "Let's not."
Cloud nods in agreement as he pulls a trout out of his pants.
Yuffie smiles coyly as she says, "Is that a fish in your
pants, Cloud, or are you just happy to see me."
Meanwhile, over at the Thgie Tribe, you see a romantic scene
as Squall gracefully carries Rinoa out of the crashing waves. The scene is quickly ruined by Zell's head
popping out of the water yelling, "Again, again," while clamping his hands as
though he were some kind of a deranged Teletubby.
Irvine is seen doubled over something crying. Quistis walks over, places her hand on his
shoulder and asks, "What's wrong Irvine, did a shark bite you."
Irvine looks up with anime sparkles in his eyes and big huge
teardrops whining, "My porno magazines are ruined! I want to go home!!!" He
then notices Quistis' nearly see through wet shirt and smiles devilishly saying
with new hope, "Never mind." Quistis
quickly slaps him, kicks sand in his face, and walks away obviously
pissed.
~A Few Hours Later~ Since it was sunset before – you would
think it would be dark now - but you would be wrong for things happen
differently on the island closest to Hell!
(And besides it's much more convenient for us!)
The camera turns to Cid standing under the glaring sun
showing his plans for their camp. "We
shall call it – ROCKET SHELTER!" the passion emanating from his voice nearly
drowning out Rufus's whining for room service.
Cloud looks over Cid's shoulder and says, "Great Cid, now
how are we going to make it? And do you really think we need Internet access
via coconuts and bamboo."
Cid looks up, fury raging through his eyes, "Who's the
engineer here, Cloud! Who! If I say we need coconuts, we NEED
coconuts!!!"
Yuffie can be heard in the background singing, "I've got a
lovely bunch of coconuts!!!" You hear a
clink of glasses as Rufus and Sephiroth start drinking pina coladas while Rude
and Reno fan them with giant leaves.
Rufus looks over at Cloud and whines, "Are you done yet, I'm getting hot
over here!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, from the Thgie
Tribe you hear the chiding voice of Quistis saying, "Squall, add more leaves on
that one. Turn that stick left forty-five
degrees first. I want it PERPENDICULAR
Squall, perpendicular!!!!! No that's
parallel!"
The voice of Squall is heard, annoyance growing in his
voice, "Whatever."
Irvine is lying in
the sand, arching his head to look up Quistis' skirt, whining, "I wish Selphie
was here! She could put together an
awesome beach party out here."
Squall looks over at Irvine and says, "Why don't you come
over here and help me, Irvine."
Irvine sighs,
placing his cowboy hat over his face saying, "Sorry Squall, but that ain't my
department."
Squall Growls and snaps at Zell, "Will you hand me that vine
over there?"
Zell, who happens to be standing no less then two feet away
from it says, "Can't reach it."
Squall angrily throws down the pile of leaves in which he
was holding and yells, "It's not like your trying to save Rinoa, Zell! By the way you could of gotten a rope to save
her in the first place instead of coming up to me with you tail between your
legs!!!"
Zell looks up and replies, "I'm not Zidane, I don't have a
tail! And what is this magical item "rope" you speak of? Does it make your arms longer? Besides, I tried
to help Rinoa but it wasn't like she was being cooperative with me or
anything! First I told her to give me
her hand, then she said she couldn't because she'd fall, then I said then let
go and you won't be hanging there anymore!
But she didn't seem to think that was a good idea for some reason."
Just then Rinoa's heard shrieking, "SQUUAAALLLL! I NEED SOMETHING!" Squall looks over quickly and asks what. "I don't know yet! But I know I'm going to need it in a few minutes!!!" Squall sighs, kicks the shelter which promptly
falls down and goes to Rinoa.
Seifer looks over at Squall's handing work and says, "Looks
like you screwed up again Squall. As
per usual, it looks like I'll have to save the day all by myself. Fujin, Raijin! Come over here and build the shelter!!!"
The camera turns back to our host Zidane Tribal. Behind him you can see Cid standing proudly
in front of a perfect replica of the Shinra 26 constructed completely out of
bamboo and decorated with coconuts. Cid
yells, "It is complete! ROCKET
SHELTER!!!! You can even get radio
reception with the coconuts! I told we
needed some @#%%#$@ coconuts, Cloud!!!!"
Zidane stares at him blankly saying, "Okkkaaaayyyyy. Welcome to the finished "rocket shelter" for
the Neves Tribe, the first to complete their shelter. Everybody's obviously has been working hard." The camera pans over to Rufus, asleep on a
lawn chair, pina colada running down his chin.
Zidane pulls the camera back to face him. "Well, lets not hope they've been working too hard because they
will be facing their first award challenge, to be immediately followed by their
immunity test! Mwhahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!"
Even though you can still hear Zidane's maniacal laughter as
the camera turns to focus on Aeris, skipping in with a bunch of wild flowers in
her arms. "Look what I found, a bunch
of flowers and they taste good too!"
Rufus cracks his eyes open and says, "Aren't those
poisonous?"
Aeris looks over, "So that's why I feel dizzy. I just thought I was high on life." Next you see her swoon and then faint
falling into Cloud's arms.
Tifa is heard in the background, "She ate those on purpose!"
Cloud looks up from the fallen Aeris in his arms and says, "We're
going to need a fire." Sephiroth
appears out of nowhere, hugging a large, empty can of lighter fluid in his
arms. "Already taken care of!" At which the "Rocket Shelter" is seen
bursting into flames.
A horrific cry comes from Cid's lips, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you
!@#%#$@!" Next you hear several
bleeping noises as Cid utters every profanity known to man, including a few he
just made up.
Zidane looks back to the camera and announces, "Now it's
time for the award challenge." At which
he is hit in the head by a flaming coconut.
By the time Zidane regains consciousness, both tribes have
assembled at the middle of the island for the award challenge. "Our first award challenge tests your
ability to survive in a classic RPG!" He gestures behind him where you see a
burning sixteen-bit building.
Irvine cocks his head oddly, "Are those blocks supposed to
be fire?"
Zidane replies evilly, "You may not be able to see it but
you sure as ever going to feel it!"
Zidane chuckles to himself, obviously finding this whole situation
amusing. All I need is popcorn. "Inside the burning building you must
find THE ITEM!"
Raijin looks at Zidane with curiosity burning in his eyes, "What's
the item, ya know." Zidane answers with
a smile on his face, "I know but I'm not telling, that would spoil all my fun –
I mean our viewers fun! Survivors
ready!! Go!!"
All the survivors run into the burning building looking for "the
item". Upon entering, Squall grabs the
first item he sees, reaching out for what he thinks is a vase he yells finding
out that it was actually a block of fire.
Sephiroth is running in circles as giddy as a school child, thoroughly enjoying
the flaming building! Irvine is seen running
through the building shrieking, "Hallelujah!
Dirty magazines! They may be in
sixteen bit but I can still tell what those are!!!" Rinoa finds a feather duster and run gleefully out of the
building, bidding Squall to hurry his behind up. Disgusted, Squall grabs a picture off the wall and runs out after
Rinoa as feathers fling into his face. Rufus
is yelling at Rude to grab him something while Cait Sith picks up a pair of
fuzzy dice. Tifa grabs the first book
she sees, afraid that if she stays in the burning building too long the silicon
may melt. Cloud persists to open and
shut the door until the hinge breaks and he takes the entire door with him.
Yuffie grabs a
cardboard box, hoping that there's something shining inside. She looks in and finds nothing, she pouts
and says, "Oh screw it, I'm not looking for anything else." Seifer, seeing something odd moving in the
corner, thinking it was a tiny Lego man he grabs it and runs for the now
doorless opening in the front.
The camera turns back to Zidane. "Now that our time is up,
let's see if they were able to find what I was thinking of! A job that any good
RPG character can do! Which tribe is
going to win our prize! Please stand in
a line." Zidane walks down the line of
FF survivors making comments as he goes.
"No. Nope. Why would I think that? Irvine, your sick.
Seifer, that's not a
Lego man, that's a sixteen bit kid!"
Seifer replies, "Oops, my bad."
Zidane finally stops at Yuffie (who happens to be standing at the end of
the line). "That's it! A cardboard box! That is your prize!
Congratulations, you won a box!"
Yuffie looks at him in disbelief. "And what else do I win!"
Zidane looks cheerfully in her face and says, "That's
it! It will enable your tribe to
rebuild your shelter!"
Rufus looks pissed. "How
small do you think we are!?"
Zidane quickly turns around towards the camera, easily
ignoring the question. "Now on to our
immunity challenge!"
"Our first immunity challenge is a relay race! In this relay both tribes will have to run
through a field full of T-rexars with a steak tied to their backs! Then, navigate through a maze, similar to
the one in the temple of the ancients!
After that, they will be digging six-foot graves for those who didn't
make it!!!! And a bunch of other stuff
that I'm not even going to warn you about!!!!"
Fujin stares at Zidane in disbelief and at least tries to
whisper, "MURDER." Rufus shakes his
head, feeling almost sorry for Rude and Reno.
Squall and Cloud stare blankly at Zidane. Zell is shaking with fear and anxiety as he thinks about the
meaning of having dead meat tied to your back.
Sensing that both tribes are about to run in opposite directions,
Zidane yells, "Survivors ready! Goooo!" They all stare back at him, not moving.
Zidane says, "Fine, have it your way," and releases the T – rexars throwing
slabs of meat on each of the survivors.
Cid yells, "Hold on to your shouts and don't piss in them!" Cid then takes off out of site. Raijin turns a forlorn glance at the now far
ahead Neves Tribe and yells, "Too late ya Know!"
Rinoa turns to her team, her eyes glittering with hope. "Wait, I have an idea," as she dashes away
from the obstacle course.
Seifer yells, "She's fleeing in the opposite direction! Good idea!!!" Seifer grabs a shaking Raijin and takes off in the same direction
as Rinoa. Rinoa stops, throws up her
arms and begins chanting in Latin or Gibberish, we're not quite sure since
nobody here can speak either. She
lowers her arms and a portal for time compression appears. She turns around to the others who are yet
to move and yells, "Come on guys! We'll
go through time compression and get out on the other side before we even get
here! And for goodness sake, somebody
hold Squall's hand! We don't want him
getting stuck in some freaking desert!"
Zell turns to Squall and grabs his hand. "I'll never Squall, I'll never let go!" The theme music from Titanic blasts in the
background as they all jump through the portal.
The camera follows the Neves team through the starving T –
rexars. Suddenly you hear Biggs yell, "Wedge! Look out!
They're chasing us too!"
Suddenly the image of Neves, the ground, the sky, and Wedge's shoes flash
by before the camera finally settles on the open mouth of a hungry T – rexar. Bigg's deafening cry, "Wedge!!!! Nooo," is the last thing heard on Wedge's
camera as the picture fades to black.
Meanwhile, at the end of the obstacle course, the Thgie
Tribe emerges from a glowing portal.
Quistis turns around and yells, "Okay, count heads! Let's see if everybody is here!"
Everybody looks towards the empty handed Zell and yells in
unison, "Where's Squall!" Zell looks at
the rest of them worried of getting in trouble, and says slowly, "I let go." Luckily the end of the course is a desert
and they see Squall sitting there waiting patiently.
Squall says, "What took you guys so long?" Quistis was about to answer when the Neves
team is seen stumbling over the finish line, bruised and breathless.
Zidane looks up from a magazine labeled Binary Babes, that
he'd been reading. "It looks like Thgie
crossed the finish line first, sooooo, it looks like Neves will be joining me
at the first "TRIBAL Council"! Zidane
Tribal rolls on the ground laughing at his extremely funny pun. Handsome, strong, smart – and FUNNY! Gosh I'm hot! "But first you have to collect your torches and hike up the
extremely tall and rocky mountain where'll I'll be waiting for you." At that he steps back into the helicopter
waiting for him and heads for the top of the mountain.
Two hours later, on the top of the mountain, a bedraggled
Neves tribe comes into view. Zidane
begins his introductory speech for his first "Tribal" Council. "Tonight, you will be forced to vote one of
your own off the island! But first,
Cloud, don't you hate Sephiroth! And
Cid, didn't Sephiroth burn down your "rocket shelter"! And Aeris, I heard Sephiroth call your hair
ugly. And Cait Sith, I bet you can
guess who framed Rodger Rabbit! And
Yuffie, I bet you can guess who stole all the party's Materia. Yuffie looks up saying, "Oh yeah, that was
me – I mean Sephiroth, definitely Sephiroth!"
"And didn't he kill Aeris?"
Tifa smiles, "That's really not something to hold against
him."
Zidane, pleased with himself for successfully turning the
tribe against Sephiroth says, "Survivors!
Vote! No, no. One at a time.
Starting with, uh – Tifa!"
Tifa walks over to the voting place and scribbles Aeris with
flowers on the paper. She holds it up
and says, "I'm not crazy, I'm not voting against Sephiroth."
Cid walks up next, holds his parchment up to the camera,
smirks and says, "I'm voting for Sephiroth.
He huffed and he puffed and he burnt my house down!!" The rest of the survivors follow and place
their vote in the "confidential jar."
Zidane takes the jar and counts the vote. "That's two votes Aeris, one vote Cloud, the
rest are Sephiroth! Sephiroth – you are
the weakest link! I mean – the tribe
has spoken!" He reaches over and snuffs
out Sephiroth's torch.
Sephiroth stands up yelling, "What!!! I will not be voted off the island! I will exact my revenge upon you!!! A curse
upon your houses – I mean your tribes!!!"
Sephiroth is then dragged, kicking and screaming off the island by men
in white coats.
Zidane looks around at the remaining survivors, "Goodnight,
you have a long walk ahead of you. Tomorrow is another day and a new challenge
to face!" Zidane turns to Tifa, "You
can stay here if you want Tifa." And
the survivor music plays as the credits roll by.
***General Information***
The vote tally:
Who Voted: Who
They Voted For:
Cloud Sephiroth
Cid Sephiroth
Tifa Aeris
Cait Sith Sephiroth
Aeris Aeris (she could not
stand to vote against any one so she did the only logical thing – vote for
herself)
Sephiroth Cloud
Yuffie Sephiroth
Rufus Sephiroth
***Authors Notes***
Well there you have it!
Another chapter done – and Selphie was mentioned!! Maybe that will be enough to calm the screaming
hordes of Selphie fans!! Probably not –
but we do predict you will see more of her so keep your eyes peeled – but not literally
please – that would just be messy! Just
a note of clarification, we originally cut Selphie because we could only use
sixteen characters – eight from seven and eight from eight! And we couldn't very well cut Seifer because
somebody's such an avid Seifer fan – so we could not possibly cut him or one of
his posse members! Jen shrieks, "What
cut ONE posse member - they are a pair they go TOGETHER!!!!" Rob, Sha and Kree sigh Nobody said anything about us cutting Barret
from Neves sigh.
Anyway, we would like to thank everyone who reviewed our fic! Reviews make us soooooo happy!!!! Not to mention
they make us write faster =)
With that said, may Wedge rest in peace – we hardly knew ye!
