Warning: Minor swearing, sexual innuendo, and jokes in poor taste! The faint of heart and easily offended please turn BACK! Don't say I didn't warn ya!
Chapter Three: Another One Bites the Dust
By: The Pink Apocalypse, Sha the Confused, and Robinc
~Cue Survivor Music~
"Welcome back to Survivor!" Zidane announces cheerfully, "In our last breath-taking episode we witnessed Sephiroth cast off the island. Now let's see what challenges await our poor helpless Survivors!" Zidane laughs manically. "Their fate is in my hands!!!"
"Uh… Mr. Zidane I think the power has gone to your head, Sir" Biggs, the forlorn cameraman who is still not over the loss of his fellow cameraman, Wedge, says quietly.
Zidane throws his hands up in the air and declares evilly. "I know and I like it! They can do nothing for they are my willing puppets!!!" At the very same moment lighting strikes in the background. "Now what was I doing? Oh, right I was hosting a show." Trying to regain his composure Zidane smiles at the camera and says, " Oops…got a little carried away." Biggs merely nods. "Alright, back to the show! Let's see how our intrepid Survivors are doing after last night's first harrowing 'Tribal' Council."
The camera pans over to the disgruntled Neves tribe. In the background the remnants of "Rocket Shelter" still smolder. Yuffie is seen sleeping with her head in the box she won from the award challenge. Cid weeps in the background over his fallen Rocket Shelter as Cloud comes over and taps him on the back saying, "There, there. No use crying over flaming coconuts." At this, Cid sobs even harder.
The camera pans over to Rufus gleefully dancing around on the beach with the Shinra flag. "Everybody else's stuff may have burned to the ground but my stuff is okay so all is well!!!" Cid looks up, fury flashing in his eyes as he marches over to Rufus intending on kicking his presidential hiney all the way back to Midgar! Half way to doing so, inspiration hits Cid like a ton of bricks. Visions of a new shelter dance in his head as he eyes Rufus' flag greedily. With a Cheshire cat grin, Cid suddenly spins on his heal and rushes to the ocean instead. He then proceeds to break a coconut in half and fill it with ice-cold salt water and runs like a chocobo in heat back to where Rufus is standing. Laughing manically he pours the coconut's contents out on the young presidents head.
Rufus then is heard screaming like a schoolgirl in a bad B movie. "My hair! My hair!!! My beautiful HAIR!!!!" With Rufus distracted, Cid grabs the flag from the flailing president and dashes off to the former site of Rocket Shelter laughing like Hojo with a new pet project. Rufus begins to attack Cloud mumbling incoherently. The only words that can be made out are: hair… spray, gimme, and now!!!!!!!! Cloud stares at Rufus confused wondering who this limp haired man could possibly be.
The two continue to fight until Tifa is heard shrieking, "Cait, how could you!" followed by a shower of half eaten rice. Both men look over (or Rufus at least tried too look through the mass of limp hair draped over his eyes). They turn to the horrific sight of a bloated Cait Sith lying prostrate in the sand. Empty bags of rice are scattered all about. Tifa continues to kick the round-bellied cat down the beach like a ball.
Suddenly roused from her sleep, Yuffie throws the box off her hitting Aeris in the head. "Cait! This is completely unforgivable! It's not like stealing somebody's materia, or some minor infraction like that! You don't even NEED to eat!!!!!"
Zidane is still too consumed by his own self-glory to even notice the shrieking of the Neves Tribe as they hang Cait by his tail from the nearest palm tree. Zidane shakes his head, trying to deflate his ego for the time being, as he turns back to the camera. "Neves seems to be taking their loss rather well, so lets see what the Thgie Tribe is up to."
The camera zooms in on the peaceful early morning scene of the Thgie Tribe. Everyone is sound asleep. Rinoa is using Squall as a human pillow, as Irvine and Seifer try to snuggle in between Rinoa and Fujin. Zell is drooling on himself in the corner mumbling something about hotdogs as Fujin wakes up punching the snoring Raijin and falls back onto Seifer's chest, yelling "LOUD" as she falls. For a moment Raijin cracks open an eye and mutters, "Yes you are Fujin, ya know." And falls back into a very noisy sleep. Quistis enters the scene racking Irvine's shotgun, her favorite self help book under placed firmly under her arm.
The Thgie tribe promptly jumps to their feet as Quistis shrieks, "Get up everybody! The sun will be up in an hour or two!!!!" Squall rolls over groaning and Quistis nudges him with the barrel of the shotgun, "Wake up Squall," at which Squall pulls out his gunblade, pointing it at the cheerful instructor. Squall begins to flail the blade around, half asleep forcing Seifer to roll out of the way as the blade lands where his head had been only moments ago.
Rinoa quickly grabs the gunblade from Squall and says seductively, "Don't wave that thing around. You don't want to over do it. Especially when your not at your best." Squall then smiles sheepishly and puts his long and very large implement back wherever the heck he puts it.
Quistis then starts chanting in a rather lovely tune, "Squall - fetch some wood, find some matches, start the fire, make me tea, cook the rice, get your pants on, get a move on!"
Squall rolls his eyes and says his favorite phrase, "Whatever."
A few moments later a cranky and sleep deprived Thgie tribe gathers around the fire. Quistis smiles, lovingly hugging her self help book as she turns to the group. "I'm sure your all wondering why I didn't call this meeting sooner. It's about time we get to know each other. Explore our feelings and really open up."
Irvine looks interested and says slyly, "Why Quistis, feel free to open up to me any time."
Zell, missing Irvine's innuendo, turns to Quistis. "But I already thought we knew each other!"
Quistis looks baffled. "But do we REALLY know each other? For instance, Squall, what is it you see in an airhead like Rinoa?" All the men in the group giggle. Quistis ignores them and continues to question everyone in their tribe. "Zell, how do you manage to remember to breath? Seifer, are you gay?" At that question Fujin faints and Raijin stares at Seifer in a new light.
Seifer glares at Quistis shrieking, "Alright, enough question and answer time! The only thing GAY here is the stupid Faggie tribe and Chickenwuss over there!!!" Seifer stomps off. A few minutes later Fujin is seen stealthily sneaking off in the direction he went. Everyone then wanders off doing their own thing leaving a pouting Quistis behind with only her self-help book to comfort her.
Zidane returns before the camera smiling widely, pleased to be once more the focus of attention. "Now that we know how our tribes are fairing lets follow Quistis' example and get know how our survivor really feel about each other." The camera fades to black and then fades in to the heavenly picture of Aeris, "I really liked getting to know Tifa. She's been following me around everywhere and always has something funny to say. Gosh, I love her sense of humor. We joke about each other all the time. And Cloud has been so sweet. Like just the other day he wanted to know what a pretty girl like me is doing on an island like this. Then he asked me what my sign was. So thoughtful and fun. He always wants to talk about me. And Cid is very…"
"That's great Aeris, but we don't want to here nice things." Zidane switches his tale, "I…I mean the viewers at home only want to hear the juicy gossip. Go pick some flowers somewhere." The camera then pans over to Cid standing with his arms outstretched to his completed SHELTER 2!!! Cid turns around to the camera asking, "Me? What do I think? I think the shelter is beautiful!! A true work of art!!! And that Sephiroth is a &%^&$#&#%*&$%@&!!! I'm voting for him again! I don't care if he's already off the island!!!"
Zidane stares disbelievingly, "Okkkkkaaaayyyyy. Let's just see what Thgie thinks – maybe they are more interesting."
The camera then turns to Seifer. "Do I look gay to you?!!!!!! I carry a gunblade around for goodness sakes!!! I offered my life to m'lady!!! I'm a knight!! I'm every girl's fantasy!! I could have any girl I want, you hear!!!" He then hits the camera with the Hyperion.
The new camera turns to Irvine lounging about in the sand. "Let me tell you about my romantic dream. It involves me, a tropical island and a bunch of BEAUTIFUL ladies!!!!! I'm half way there!!! Just have to get rid of Squall, Seifer, Zell, and Raijin (ya know).
Zidane, obviously annoyed that nobody has anything interesting or new to say grumbles at the camera, "Let's just see what Thgie's doing."
The Thgie Tribe is gathered around the campfire again, only this time they are telling scary stories. Zell is then heard crying in fright at the climax of the last story about what hotdogs are really made of. Squall groans, "Oh, great now none of us are ever going to get any sleep tonight!"
Seifer rolls his eyes, "You are such a defeatist Squall! I guess its up to me to save the day AGAIN!! Hey Chickenwuss listen up! Irvine was lying to you, everyone knows that's really not where hotdogs come from! Hotdogs really…. um… grow on trees! Yea, magic trees deep in the forest tended by stupid, spiky haired elves!"
Zell sniffs and says hopefully, "Really?"
"Really, now shut the heck up and go to bed!"
Zidane steps out of the darkness allowing the firelight to cast eerie shadows on his face, "No I don't think so. You have an award challenge to begin." Zidane then smiles sadistically and says, "Come, follow me." The Thgie Tribe exchanges glances and reluctantly follows their host into the dark forest – Zell carefully inspecting each tree they pass. After hiking for a few hours they arrive in a clearing where the Neves Tribe is already waiting for them. Zidane puts on a long dark cape and says in a bad Transylvanian accent, "Your award challenge is to RAISE THE DEAD!!!!!!! You must go out and find our lost cameraman, Wedge! The first tribe to dig Wedge's body from this large pile of … (coughs and mutters under his breath) T-rexar droppings – and throw a phoenix down on him, will be our winner."
Cloud stares in disbelief, "Did you just say dig through a large pile of uh T-rexar shi-"
Zidane interrupts quickly "No time for questions!!! Survivors ready!! Go!!!"
As Zidane yells go, Rufus shoves the startled Rude and Reno into the pile of T-rexar scat. All the women (besides for our favorite Fujin, You go girl!) stand back, letting the men do their dirty work. Seifer grabs a large handful of dinosaur crud and chucks it at Squall who promptly ducks the feces that flies over his head. The crap then hits a horrified Rufus in the face, who would have screamed if not for the fact that opening his mouth at that moment could be extremely hazardous to his health.
Quistis yells, "Seifer, Squall, stop playing with that pooh and dig!!!" Seifer and Squall both grab handfuls of prehistoric excrement and chuck them at Quistis who shrieks.
Fujin is then heard above the laughing, yelling, "BODY" as she pulls Wedge from the fuming droppings. Rinoa then throws a phoenix down on the downed camera man making the Thgie Tribe the winners of the reward challenge.
Zidane then appears out from behind them, a cloth to his nose. His smile still growing from when they last saw their host. "Very good Thgie Tribe! You win our reward challenge! Send a representative to come claim your prize…which is ten pounds of CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!! Oh, and a bottle of shampoo!" The entire Thgie Tribe turns three shades of green and continues to groan in disgust. Zidane smiles at them sweetly, "Well, I hope you all worked up a good appetite because now it's time for your immunity challenge!!!!!!!!!! Survivors, follow me!" Biggs pulls a cloth covering two tables full of odd assortments of food (which is setting no less then 2 feet away from the award challenge sight). Zidane turns back to the survivors, "Each of you must spin this wheel and eat the delicacy it lands on!"
Fujin stares at Zidane with contempt burning in her eye, "SADIST."
Quistis then taps her on the shoulder, "No need to worry, I can eat anything!"
Zidane turns to the Neves Tribe. "Okay Cloud, your first!." Reluctantly Cloud spins the wheel. The arrow lands on meat loaf. Grimacing Cloud holds his nose and proceeds to gobble the meat loaf down. Rufus then walks up spins the wheel which then lands on T-rexar dung. Rufus then smugly replies, "No thank you I've had my fill." Rufus then leaves. Aeris walks up and with a shaking hands, spins the wheel. Luckily the wheel lands on candy bar and she gleefully gobbles it down. Tifa then follows and is aghast when a marboro tentacle comes up.
Zidane quickly moves in saying, "How'd that get there!" Then he replaces it with an apple.
Cid then spins the wheel and is forced to eat a chocobo eye. Licking his lips he walks back to his tribe mumbling, "Ha! Better than Shera's cookin'."
Cait Sith then spins the wheel which lands on rice. Groaning, Cait Sith says, "No way, too full!" And bounces back to a furious tribe. Yuffie then enters the scene and receives Sylkis Greens as her meal for the evening.
Zidane now turns to the Neves tribe and says, "Now, since your down one man, one of you is going to have to eat twice!!!" Zidane chuckles evilly and points to Cloud. Cloud gravely accepts defeat and spins the wheel one last time. It lands on a cup of worms. Turning oddly pale, Cloud reluctantly eats the writhing contents of the cup.
"Alright! Now it's Thgie's turn!" The camera turns to the mortified Thgie Tribe as Zell happily jumps up to the wheel. The pointer lands on hotdog which of course, he gleefully eats. Squall spins the wheel and receives chocobo brains for his dining pleasure. Squall mumbles, "Whatever" and swallows it whole.
Rinoa then follows and is relieved to find that she only has to eat dog food. Smiling she says, "I like Angelo's dog food at home!" And eats it.
Irvine then spins the wheel which lands on a little moogle. "I can't eat that! It's lookin' at me! Look at it's little face! And it's saying kupo!" Irvine leaves crying.
Raijin then spins the wheel. It lands on a chicken head. Smirking, Raijin says, "No problem! I once ate Fujin's cat on a dare!"
As he swallows the chicken head, Fujin yells, "WHAT! FLUFFY!"
Fujin's turn comes and she spins the wheel quickly, hoping to return to killing Raijin very soon. The wheel lands on a mewing kitten. Fujin stares in horror, walks over to the cat, picks it up, and proceeds to lunge at Zidane.
Seifer then grabs her and says, "Just keep the cat, Fuu. Quistis and I are the only one's left to eat. We have this challenge won." Seifer walks over, spins the wheel efficiently and receives a candy bar. He smiles proudly and walks away chewing.
Quistis then follows and smugly spins the wheel, which lands on spam. "Ahhhhhh! I can't eat SPAM!!! It's not even real meat!"
Seifer then yells, "C'mon Quistis! Eat it already!"
Quistis spins on him. "That's not fair Seifer! You didn't make Fujin eat the cat!!!"
Seifer responds, "Spam is not a cat!!!"
Quistis cocks her head to the side, "You never know, it might be!"
"Let me rephrase that. Spam is not a living cat!!!" Seifer yells loudly.
Quistis grimaces and reluctantly puts the mystery meat in her mouth. As she tries to swallow it she begins to choke. Zell runs over and gives Quistis the Heimlich maneuver. The spam then flies out of her mouth and lands next to Squall's shoe on the ground. Zidane pipes in, "You know you could still eat that!"
Quistis then screams, "NOOOOOOOO!" And the Neves tribe is heard rejoicing in the background.
Zidane shakes his head at Quistis and turns to her tribe. "It looks like you'll be joining me for your first "Tribal" Council tonight! Grab your torches and get to hiking! Don't keep me waiting long, I'm tired." Zidane then jumps in a buggy with the two camera men and drives to the top of the mountain.
A few hours later, Thgie limps up to the top of the mountain. Zidane turns to them. "Since this is your first Tribal Council, let me explain this to you. You must now turn against one of your friends and banish them from the island!!!" Zidane snickers to himself – I love this part! "Seifer – Didn't Quistis tell everyone you were gay?"
"I'm not gay!!!!" yells Seifer.
Zidane ignores him and continues. "Quistis – don't you think it was unfair for Seifer to tried to make you eat spam when he let Fujin get away with not eating a cute little kitten? And Irvine – Squall's not exactly a sexy girl, is he? And Raijin – I heard Irvine say your speech pattern in incredibly annoying!"
"Why would he say that, ya know?" Raijin asks confusedly as he adds, "Besides I can't vote against Irvine – Seifer already ordered me to vote for Quistis, ya know!"
Zidane glares at him and proceeds with his speech. "Now, survivors, one at a time, – VOTE!!!!!!!"
Raijin walks up to the voting booth and writes Instructor Trepe, ya know on the parchment. Seifer then walks into the booth and scribbles Puberty Boy. Looking at the camera he says, "Squall ducked when I tried to hit him in the face with T-rexar crap, that was totally unacceptable behavior and I can't allow it!"
Irvine then walks into the booth and holds up his parchment saying, "I voted for Raijin because he looks the least like a beautiful lady."
After Fujin walks out of the booth with a kitten on her shoulder, Zidane grabs the confidential jar and tallies the votes. " It's 1 vote Raijin, 1 vote Seifer, 2 votes Squall, and 4 votes Quistis. Quistis, I guess this has been fun! Goodbye, the tribe has spoken." Zidane turns and snuffs out Quistis' torch.
Seifer yells, "How do you feel about that Quistis!" and proceeds to snicker.
Zidane pipes in and comments, "Well, you've all had a rough night and let's just say you don't smell like roses either. So get out here, go take a bath, and go to bed!" The Thgie Tribe turns and heads down the mountain as the Survivor music blares in the background.
***General
Information***
The vote tally:
Who Voted Who
They Voted For
Squall Seifer
Seifer Squall
Quistis Squall
Irvine Raijin
Fujin QUISTIS
Raijin Quistis, ya know
Rinoa Quistis
Zell Quistis
Also: Fujin's "meal"/new kitten is now named JIN aka Seifer Jr.
***Author's Notes***
Sorry, that took so long to get to you all, but Sha was busy in Florida and Jen, Kree and Robinc were busy wining costume contests in San Francisco. Sha smiles and waves Sorry for all the sexual innuendo in this chapter, but I've been stuck in a place with only FIVE cute guys for two weeks and I'm feeling a wee bit kinky! Jen, Kree, and Rob Roll their eyes Info the reader didn't need Sha!!! Jen shakes head sadly I gotta apologize too, this chapter had like no Rinoa bashing – I'm off my game!!! All sigh Also, this chapter had no Selphie – but you will see her in about two chapters – so don't worry!! We guess that's all! But we want to leave you with this final thought: Aren't you surprised how many ways there are to say crap?! And, as always please review! But please don't give us one-word answers – like crap – or anything synonymous to crap nervous laughter. Thanks!!!