Warning: Same as before: Sexual Innuendo, mild swearing and jokes in poor taste! We just have a crude sense of humor, don't we?!
Chapter Four: CATastrophe
By: The Pink Apocalypse, Sha the Confused, and Robinc
~Cue Survivor Music~
The tropical sunrise paints the horizon pink and the early morning light sparkles on the ocean. A voluptuous figure is silhouetted against the powdery sand. The camera zooms in. Zidane is looking hopeful as the form begins to move seductively toward the camera. Suddenly, the sun rises high enough in the sky to bathe the whole beach in light. Zidane then shrieks in horror as the image melts from a beautiful woman into a tiny little cat wearing a wonder bra with coconuts stuffed in the cups.
Cait Sith smiles and says, "Look at me! I'm Tifa! Boingy, boingy, boingy," as he runs toward the camera in mock Baywatch style.
Tifa comes up behind the cat smacking him on the back yelling, "Cait!!!! I told you to stay away from my bra!!!!!!!!!!!"
Cait turns, pouting as a coconut falls out of one of the cups, saying, "It's not like you ever use it, Tifa!!!!!"
Bitterly disappointed, Zidane turns back to the camera. "Well, welcome to another exciting episode of Survivor. Last time, we witnessed the instructor from Hades banished from the island closest to Hell!!!!!!!!!! We turn now to the Thgie Tribe to see how they're dealing with their loss."
The camera pans over to see Seifer prancing around, singing, "Ding dong, the witch is dead! The wicked witch, which old witch!
Fujin joins in, "WICKED"
Raijin joins in, "Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead, ya know!"
The rest of Thgie lays huddled in a hut, peacefully sleeping until the warmth of the sunlight finally rouses them from their tranquil rest. No sooner is Zell conscious than he goes running into the jungle.
"Zell, where are you going," asks Rinoa.
Zell hurriedly replies, "I'm looking for the hot dog tree!!!"
Rinoa shrugs, "OK." Squall walks up behind her, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He yawns and glares at Seifer and says, "You've created a monster."
Seifer smiles and says, "I know." He then turns to Raijin and says, "Well it seems that Chickenwuss won't be finding us any food, so it looks like I'll have to do it myself. Raijin! Come, fish!" The two walk off to a nearby stream and disappear from view. Fujin suddenly lifts her head and looks around like a lost puppy when she finds there are no posse members in sight. Out of desperation she is then forced to go hang out with – RINOA!!!!! Hanging her head in despair, Fujin grabs her little yellow tabby cat (with blue eyes) and sits by Rinoa.
Rinoa looks up at Fujin and begins a conversation with herself. Cheerfully she declares, "I hate cats. I like dogs. Angelo is my dog! Angelo is cute! You want to see a trick I taught Angelo?!" Without waiting for a reply she whistles and Angelo appears out of nowhere. He then jumps onto her arm and she hurls him at a tree. Angelo lies on the ground with his legs sticking straight up in the air with little X's in his eyes. She then declares proudly, "He can play dead! Good boy Angelo!" She then throws a dog treat at her nearly dead pooch. Fujin gapes at her in horror and clutches her cat protectively. If this is what she does to dogs (and she likes dogs), what would she do to cats? Standing up quickly she wanders off quickly trying to find someone less abusive to talk too.
She then goes over and sits next Irvine. He tips his hat and says, "Howdy, Fujin. So…What bra size do you wear?"
Fujin smacks Irvine upside the head, shouting, "RAGE!" She then walks away trying to find someone less perverted to talk too.
Next, she finds a nice log where Squall is sitting, polishing his gunblade. She sits down quietly. Squall looks up at her and says, "Whatever." Fujin looks pleased and says, "…." Squall replies, "…." And the conversation goes on for hours.
Zidane looks at the lovely scene. I bet you if I get Seifer to come back here I could see a dozy of a fight. Zidane suddenly files an idea away in his mind for later and turns back to the camera smiling evilly. "Well the Thgie Tribe seems to be getting along well, let's see how the Neves Tribe is doing!"
The camera fades to the Neves Tribe when a loud explosion is heard and thousands of fish start raining to the ground. Cid is heard yelling gleefully in the background, "Take that you @!$$ ^$%@#@ fish! That's what you get for swimming by my homemade fishing pole! You think you can out smart Cid Highwind, you've got another thing coming!!!!!!!" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the ocean, yelling, "Incoming!" an explosion is heard followed by another rain of fish.
Cid scoops up the fish and heads back to the camp. On his way back he runs into Rufus. Turning to the young president he asks, "Where the *%$^@ have you been?!" Rufus shrugs, "Oh, collecting food," as he throws an empty Mc Donald's bag over his shoulder. Quickly he reaches down and grabs a coconut and says smugly, "See."
When they reach the camp, Tifa is heard screaming and a coconut comes flying in their direction. Cid yells, "What the &%#$!" They look over and see that Cait Sith has set up a slingshot in the middle of camp and is flinging coconuts with Tifa's bra into the jungle. Tifa screeches, "Cait Sith! I told you not to play with my bra!"
Cait Sith looks at her and replies matter of factly, "Well I would use Aeris' but hers is too small! And besides, she's using it!" Cait Sith repositions the sling and launches a coconut in Tifa's direction.
Zidane decides to turn back to the camera and say, "Let's talk to some of our survivors – one on one, and see how they're fairing on the island."
The camera fades to show a griping Irvine. "Well I was enjoying my stay on the island until they voted Quistis off! Now there are only two ladies left on the Thgie Tribe! They're ruining my dreams! What about my pain? What about my feelings? What am I supposed to gawk at!?! Now all I've got are Rinoa and Fujin, and Fujin don't count!" Just then, a coconut comes falling from the sky hitting Wedge in the head, breaking the camera, knocking him to the ground.
Biggs yells, "Nooooo, Wedge!" and comes rushing over to his fallen comrade.
Wedge mutters, "This is not in my contract."
When the camera fades back from and you see Tifa with a forced smile standing with one hand on her hip and the other rubbing a bump on her head. "First Cait steals my luxury item, then he chucks a coconut at my face, and he ate all the rice! I'm starving! That cat's got to go! On the other hand, I would be really disappointed if I didn't vote Aeris off! That girl runs around acting all kind and nice trying to trick everyone into keeping her on. But I see what her evil little plan is! She's trying to get with Cloud! Always fainting into his arms and tending to his every need! She probably thinks herself to be his girlfriend or something!!!!!"
Zidane looks at her sympathetically. "I know how you must feel. Just remember; if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you." He then turns back to the camera and says, "Let's see how everyone else is doing."
The camera pans over to a happy Yuffie. "My strategy is to let everyone destroy each other! I'm going to watch Tifa and Aeris duke it out. Cid and Rufus will take each other out. Cait Sith will be taken out by everybody and Cloud will take himself out!" Yuffie the declares triumphantly, "That makes me the WINNER!!!!"
Zidane smiles weakly and says, "That's nice." He turns back to the camera, "Let's interview another person from the Thgie Tribe."
The camera then zooms in on Seifer's face. "I seem to be pulling all of the weight for this tribe. I built the shelter! I spend all day fishing! And what has Squall done?!"
A wicked smile spreads across Zidane's face, "Weeeeelllll, I can actually answer that question for you." He beckons for Seifer to come over and look in the small viewfinder of Biggs' camera. Seifer's eyes fly wide in rage as he sees a picture of Squall and Fujin sitting next to each other on a log "talking." Squall, being a cat person and all, reaches over and start petting Fujin's kitten.
Seifer jumps up shrieking, "Hey!!! Get your hands off Fujin's pussy!!!!!!" He grabs the Hyperion and rushes back to camp planning to behead Squall. Zidane chuckles and he and Biggs follow Seifer back to the camp.
By the time they get there Squall is lying on the other side of the log with a black eye and Seifer is standing over him menacingly. Fujin is staring at her leader dumb founded. Seifer leans over and grabs Squall by the collar, "I gave you the bitch," he gestures toward Rinoa and her dog and continues gesturing toward Fujin and her cat, "Leave my kitten alone, Leonhart!"
Raijin sets down the fish dipped in chocolate pudding he had been munching on and comes over to Seifer's side, "What's going on, ya know?"
Seifer ignores Raijin and steps back raising his arm and daring Squall to get up and come at him.
Squall leaps to his feet and roars, "What the heck is your problem Almasy?!" Without waiting for an answer he lunges at the blonde and the two hit the ground swinging.
Zidane kicks back and watches the fight for a few minutes, but quickly interrupts before the two can kill each other. "Well, its nice to see your all getting along so well! Its teamwork that really counts in this stage of the game. Speaking of teamwork, its time for our next reward challenge… well actually this reward challenge has nothing to do with teamwork, but hey it was a good transition! Now if you will all be so kind as to follow me." The Thgie Tribe gathers itself up and follows Zidane once more into the jungle.
Cid stands grumbling at the edge of the playing field, "Why the @$&#^ are we always standing here waiting for the #$%&% Thgie Tribe! #^%&% Final Fantasy 8 characters wouldn't understand timing if it bit them in the ass!!!" Just as Cid finishes his little rant the Thgie Tribe appears from out of the jungle.
"I beg to differ," Seifer smirks, "We just know how to make a dramatic entrance."
Zidane ignores Cid's cursing and says, "Alright Survivors listen up! I'm about to explain your next challenge. Oh, ladies you can sit this one out, your only job will be to cheer for your teammates." Zidane gestures toward a log where they can watch the challenge. Surprised, the women walk over to the log and sit down. "This reward challenge will test your courage as no other has before! It will require skills and a level of bravery few men posses!" Zidane looks at the men solemnly, "Before I go on each team must now pick one person to represent their tribe." Zidane steps back allowing the Survivors to talk amongst themselves.
Cloud looks around at his team, "Well , I guess since I'm the leader I'll go." He reluctantly walks over to Zidane.
Irvine starts pushing Squall toward Zidane, saying, "Now look how noble that was! The leader, the leader should go!"
"Alright, now that you've chosen your representatives let me explain the challenge to you." Biggs pulls a cloth off two giant chests - one-labeled Neves and the other labeled Thgie. "When I give the signal each team will dash over to their respective chest and pull out the supplies inside. You will then have five minutes to dress your chosen representative in drag!!"
Squall turns around and tries to flee. Seifer grabs him saying, "I always thought you looked like a girl puberty boy."
Zidane continues, "The team who creates the most beautiful drag queen wins the challenge! Our illustrious cameramen and myself will be the judges. Survivors ready!"
Cloud smirks saying, "I've done this before, you know, I'm a pro!"
Squall shrieks, "NOOOOOOO!!!"
Zidande yells, "GOOO!!!!"
Neves dashes toward to the trunk and throws its contents to the ground as Thgie tries desperately to drag Squall down the field. Giving up Irvine hits Squall over the head and carries him to the chest.
Five minutes later Cloud walks over to the judges downed in a beautiful silk dress, with a diamond tiara in his blond wig. He bats his painted eyelids and waves at the judges. Zell and Irvine drag a comatose Squall before the judges with a red dress draped over him like a toga. Irvine had painted his face in a style somewhere between a cheep hooker and a clown, Raijin had replaced Squall's silver stud earring with a large cubic zirconium chocobo, and Zell had done his hair with a hundred tiny pink bows as Seifer merely stood to the side laughing and pointing.
Zidane holds his sides laughing, "Is that Sexy cologne I smell, Cloud?"
"Darn straight it is!" Cloud says through painted red lips.
Zidane, Biggs, and Wedge pace back and forth between Cloud and Squall pausing to fall over laughing every time they look at Squall. Biggs caulks his head to the side, "I don't know they did put on Squall's eyeliner rather well." The three judges huddle together and Zidane comes away laughing. He then turns to the Survivors and says, "Looks we have our woman! Neves you are the winner of this reward challenge!"
Seifer falls over laughing, "Squall how could you have blown this, you looked like a woman in the first place?!" Seifer grabs the comatose Squall and forces him to dance around. Mocking Squall's voice Seifer sings, "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty and witty and gay, whatever!"
As soon as Zidane stops laughing he says, "And your reward is… 69 boxes of Hoho's and a crate of bananas." He rolls around on the ground laughing until Squall regains consciousness. As soon as he hears Squall shriek when he discovers what he is wearing Zidande stands up and says, "No Squall you don't have time to change its time for the immunity challenge!!!" He beckons for all of the Survivors to follow him. When they arrive in a clearing with a giant bull's eye at the end he turns and says, "Tonight's Immunity Challenge was inspired by our furry friend Cait Sith. You will have to make a sling shot from your lady team member's undergarments and use it to filing coconuts toward that bull's eye down there. The team who manages to get their coconuts closest wins immunity while the losers have to join me at tonight's "Tribal" council.
Fujin glares at Zidane and growls "PERVERT."
Rinoa shrugs and says, "Hey someone, help me get this thing off will you?" Irvine jumps forward and Squall hits him in the face.
Tifa shakes her head, "Sorry guys, Cait Sith lost my bra your going to have use Yuffie's and Aeris'.'"
Reluctantly, Yuffie and Aeris hand them over and Cloud ties them together to make a giant sling shot.
Raijin jumps over to Fujin and starts grabbing for her undergarment, "Come on Fuu, give it to me, ya know!" Fujin knocks him on the ground leaving him with a black eye.
Seifer walks over, "Come on Fuu take one for the team! I would make puberty boy use his but he seems to have forgotten it today." Reluctantly she hands it to Seifer. Irvine jumps up grabbing both undergarments and fashions them into a giant slingshot.
Zidane pipes up, "Alright guys, who's going to be shooting for each team!"
Irvine shrieks, "ME, ME! I am Thgie's resident sniper after all."
Cloud shoves Cait forward but Cait runs away shrieking, "NOOO! You yelled at me before, I don't wanna!"
Tifa balls up her fists and yells "Do it Cait Sith!"
Cait sticks out his tongue, "You can't make me!"
Zidane steps forward yelling, "Survivors ready? Go!!" and Cait hides behind Aeris. Rolling his eyes Rufus shoves Rude (who happens to be wearing a little name tag that says Rufus Shinra) forward.
Both teams fire but Irvine's projectile falls closer to the bull's eye. The cowboy jumps up and down yelling, "Yea, I knew I was gonna win. I have plenty of experience handling coconuts!" Irvine winks and adds, "Hey can I keep these?" Fujin kicks him in the shin and retrieves her property.
The Neves team turns and glares at Cait Sith. Zidane interrupts the cat's murder saying, "Well I guess you guys will be keeping me company tonight, you know the way." With that he and the cameramen jump on a gold chocobo and head for the top of the mountain.
Hours later Neves arrives at the top of the mountain. Zidane tears himself away from the episode of Trabian Big Brother he is watching on a small hand TV and greets the survivors. "Well, given today's events I really don't think it is going to be necessary to go through my usual speech, so lets just get down to the point." He is distracted by the flickering light of the TV. Looking up during a commercial he mumbles, "Oh, yea Survivors vote!"
Tifa walks over to the voting booth and draws a picture of a cat with an X threw it. "This is the last time you play with my underwear kitty!" She continues with a dreamy look, "Not that I would mind Cloud doing so." Tifa suddenly scribbles all over the paper and flips it over. She then holds the paper up to the camera saying, "I'm sorry I can't do this. I just have to vote for Aeris! It is the principle of the thing!"
Rufus then approaches the booth. He scrawls a name on it and holds it up to the camera. "I really don't want to see Cait Sith go. He has been so annoying that everyone seems to have forgotten I am a villain… I'm afraid once he leaves Neves will focus its ire on me… the helpless villain in a team full of do gooders!" He sighs and jams the parchment in the confidential jar."
Yuffie then walks into the booth, scribbles Cait, and whines, "You ate all the rice you evil beast! I'm hungry!!!!!"
All of the Neves team votes and them waits around staring at one another until Zidane's show comes to a commercial break. Quickly, Zidane rushes over to the jar and tallies the votes. "Looks like we have one vote Cloud, one vote Tifa, two votes Aeris, and the rest Cait Sith…" Zidane pauses, "Wait there is one vote Septhiroth in here!"
Everyone glares at Cid who shifts in his seat, "What?! It's a ^$@$# confidential jar, you don't know it was me!"
Zidane scratches his head, "Well then that means we have one vote Cloud, one vote Tifa, one vote Sephiroth, two votes Aeris, and two votes Cait Sith." Zidane puts down the TV and perks up instantly interested, "We have a tie! That means we have to go to past votes. Zidane pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. "All told, Aeris you have a total of… two votes from the previous council meeting and Cait you have… NONE?!" Zidane looks shocked, "Aeris it looks like you have been voted off the island." He turns to the rest of Neves confused and asks, "Is that your final answer?" as he snuffs out Aeris' torch. Aeris waves bye-bye sweetly and dashes down the dark path into the forest. Cloud jabs Cid in the side who is sitting there with his jaw hanging open, "What the #%%#@, that wasn't my fault I didn't vote for her!"
Zidane, mouth still hanging open in shock turns to the Neves Tribe, "Well, that caught me by surprise! Wow, Cait you sure dodged the bullet!" The hum of the television catches Zidane's attention once more and he stops to scoop up his precious hand held device. "Well, that's all. Get outta here your making me miss my show!" With that a stunned Neves tribe descends the mountain and the Survivor theme music begins to play.
***General
Information***
The vote tally:
Who Voted Who
They Voted For
Cloud Cait Sith
Cid Sephiroth
Rufus Cloud
Tifa Aeris
Cait Sith Tifa
Aeris Aeris
Yuffie Cait Sith
***Author's Notes***
Hope ya didn't see that one coming! Sorry Aeris fans. We had originally intended to give Cait Sith the boot, but we changed our minds at the last minute cuz… well cuz we can! Still no Selphie, but she is coming – not next chapter but the one after that if all goes according to plan – tee hee!