By: Seimei and Kaiya
Virginia glanced up from the stove where she was making sloppy joes as her three children bounded through the front door of their small apartment.
"How was the park, kids?" she asked.
"Daddy spent the whole time stalking the pigeons!" Victoria Snow, Virginia's three-year-old daughter proclaimed.
"Did not," Eddie, the twelve-year-old, snapped.
Christine, the middle child, age seven, pushed her brother aside. "Of course you'd say that! You were helping him! Plus, you attacked the old lady who was feeding the pigeons!" Christine was always exasperated with her brother and sister. They took after their extremely hyper father, while she acted more like her mother.
"Edward Antony Lewis! I told you never to attack people in public! What was your father thinking?" Virginia scolded.
At that moment Wolf skipped merrily through the door, a few gray feathers stuck in his dark hair. "So, my little lamb chop, what's for dinner?" he smiled.
Virginia attacked him. "DINNER!!!! WHAT, DO YOU MEAN THOSE PIGEONS WEREN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!!"
Wolf cowered behind Eddie and Snow. "Well…"
"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN?"
"Uh, I can't help it if they take after me!"
"I don't take after you!" Christine protested. "I don't have a tail, and I don't fantasize about red meat!"
"Oooh, red meat," Snow said dreamily, licking her lips.
"SEE!" yelled Christine, pointing at her oblivious little sister.
Virginia gave her husband an evil look. "If our children can't behave normally…"
"I CAN!" Christine cried.
Virginia cut her off. "I know you can! I'm talking about them! As I was saying, if our children, and YOU, can't behave like humans, then I'll stop feeding you all! Except for Christine, of course." Christine beamed at her mother.
"But…we're not human! We're half wolf! Except for her!" He glanced accusingly at his sister.
Wolf gave Virginia his best puppy dog face. "How can you stay mad at adorable pups like them, and especially at someone as charming as myself?"
Virginia frowned at her husband for a moment, and then threw her hands in the air. "Oh, I give up! Come on, Christine, help me get dinner on the table!"
"Daddy, why can't we help set the table?" Snow whispered to her father as her older sister and mother entered the kitchen.
"Because your mother says so," Wolf answered.
"Actually, it's because she's afraid we'd eat dinner before it reaches the table." Eddie added.
"So?" Snow whined.
"So? You don't want to disobey your mother." Wolf glanced nervously around. "Believe me, I would know."
The children giggled and hurried off to wash the pigeon residue off their hands.
A few short minutes later the family was sitting at the dinner table. Virginia and Christine were calmly scooping the meat onto their hamburger buns with spoons. (Emphasis on spoons) The rest of the family was digging into the meal with their hands. Virginia rolled her eyes at Christine. The little girl giggled, then gasped as she ducked a flying hamburger bun.
"MOM! They'll ruin my dress!" she screeched so loudly that the rest of the family froze.
"Who cares if you get your crummy ol' dress dirty, anyway? It's not like YOU'RE getting married, or anything," Eddie grumbled, sloppy joe sauce dribbling down his chin.
"I'M not, but Prince Wendell is, and I want to look nice at the wedding the day after tomorrow. Tonight I'm practicing for the wedding feast," Christine announced.
"Haaa!!! You're so stupid that you have to PRACTICE how to eat!!!!!" Eddie mocked.
"MOM!"
"Edward Antony Lewis!!!!! It would do the rest of you good to practice eating as well!!!" Virginia advised.
"Yeah," Christine added, "You can't even get the food from your plate to your mouth without dropping it on the floor!!!"
Eddie growled at her and turned back to his plate. Wolf, who had somehow managed to avoid arguing with his wife, nudged Snow, who was licking sloppy joes off her arm, accidentally spreading it on her nose. He handed her a napkin, which she used to blow her nose. Unfortunatly she missed, spraying Christine's plate.
"MOM!"
"What is it this time?" Virginia sighed wearily.
Before Christine could answer, Eddie attempted to balance a sloppy joe hamburger on his forehead. The end result was that the burger slid of his forehead and landed in Christine's lap, smearing sloppy joes all over her frilly white dress.
"MOM!" she wailed, angry tears running down her cheeks. "Look what he did this time!"
"Oh my God, the five hundred dollar dress! WOLF!" Virginia roared, bolting up out of her seat and grabbing the collar of Wolf's green polo shirt.
"Well, she shouldn't have been wearing it on sloppy joe night!" Wolf protested meekly.
"WOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Virginia was livid. Wolf twisted away from his wife. He hadn't seen her this angry since he tried to sample her grandmother again at their wedding.
"We can always buy her a new dress," Wolf suggested.
"A NEW DRESS!!!??? DO YOU HAVE ANY REASONABLE IDEA HOW MUCH THAT WOULD COST!!!! WE RUN A RESTARAUNT!!!! WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY TO FLAUNT!!!!!"
"…..Well, Macy's is having a sale…….."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MACY'S!!!!!! We can't go back there!!! Not after Snow switched the manikins from the woman's lingerie department with the manikins from men's sports ware!!"
When she heard her name, Snow ducked under the table. She still didn't understand what she had done wrong. The men had seemed so happy about it.
"Mom, why don't we go to the Children's Boutique? Jessie gets all her clothes there," Christine suggested.
Virginia looked cautiously around the room, hoping no one else remembered what that certain store happened to be by. Suddenly calm, she said, "Honey, we can't go there. It's near the you-know-what."
"You mean the Food Court?" Christine asked.
Upon hearing those two magic words, Wolf and Eddie perked up, and Snow peaked out from under the table. "Let's go there!" Wolf howled.
Virginia covered her face with her hands. "Why did I marry him? WHY!?"
Noticing Virginia's condition, Wolf added hopefully, "Uh….. I promise we'll all behave."
"Yeah right," Christine groaned.
Virginia gave the other three the Look of Death. "You better, or I'll make you eat salad for the rest of the year."
"MOM! Eddie's slobbering!" Christine complained as the 'happy' family walked through the mall.
"Edward…" Virginia warned.
Eddie grumbled and sucked up his spit loudly, causing a few people standing nearby to stare.
Wolf grabbed his son by the sleeve. "Now is not the time to make your mother mad. She's still not fully recovered from last night," he whispered just loud enough for Snow, who was dragging on his leg, to hear also.
Eddie and Snow nodded solemnly. "Momma's mad. She'll make salad again," Snow clutched her father's leg tighter. Her comment caused all three to widen their eyes in terror.
Christine glanced back at them. "Mom, they're planning something!"
"Don't worry, honey. They wouldn't dare," sparks flickered in Virginia's eyes.
"There it is!" Snow yelled.
"Yes. The Children's Boutique," Virginia said, glaring at her daughter, who had removed one arm from Wolf's leg to point in the direction of the Food Court. Virginia continued to stare at her family until they were safely inside the store. Christine immediately began to browse through the most expensive dresses, and Eddie attempted to back out of the store.
Virginia cast a backwards glance at Wolf. "Your son is escaping. Keep an eye on him, or I'll have to stop by Kroger on the way back to pick up some cabbages."
Eddie snarled angrily as his father grabbed his sleeve and yanked him into the store. Snow let go of Wolf's leg long enough to see what was next door. "Ooooh," she whispered in awe when she saw the manikins wearing skimpy lingerie. She had been fascinated by Victoria's Secret and anything that was sold inside ever since she had found out that the store was "named after her."
"It's my store!" she giggled happily. She headed toward it, only to be scooped up by an annoyed Wolf. "But it's my store!" she protested, but Wolf didn't notice.
"Watch both of them," Virginia demanded as he returned. "Or else." She gave him a murderous look.
"May I help you?" A store clerk appeared from behind a rack of long, polka-dotted dresses.
"Yes. I'm looking for a dress for my daughter…" Virginia began, motioning toward Christine, who was still looking at the expensive rack. "Something on sale."
The clerk began leading Virginia around the store, showing her dresses that were around Christine's size. Meanwhile, Wolf and Eddie were standing as near to the entrance to the store as they dared, hungrily watching the McDonalds workers taking hamburgers out of the deep-fat fryer. Wolf didn't notice Snow slip her hand out of his and scurry off to Victoria's Secret.
"Wow…" Snow gazed up at the largest manikin, dressed in a bright red lacey bra and satin thong. "I want that! That's mine!" she said to herself.
Unfortunately, Snow had inherited not only Wolf's love of anything edible, but also his unending supply of energy. She was amazingly strong for her age, and lifting a manikin was no problem.
"Mine. It's MINE!" she whispered over and over as she dragged the manikin off the window display and into a rack of black silk nightgowns.
At that moment, one of the older store clerks saw the manikin seemingly jumping out of the window and into the rack. "Those damn gremlins are at it again!" he muttered, turning back to the new shipment of lace panties.
"What the…" cried one man who had been gazing longingly at that particular manikin. He rushed into the store to see what was going on.
That man's cry snapped Wolf out of his trance. "Where's Snow?" he asked Eddie.
Eddie continued staring at McDonalds. "I dunno," he murmured.
"AHHHHHHHHH! The manikin's alive!"
Wolf suddenly realized where his daughter was. "Oh cripes! Not again!" He moaned, dashing over to Victoria's Secret. He ran in, slamming straight into a display of purple velvet thongs. He leapt to his feet, a thong draped around his ear. He was too worried to notice. "SNOW!" he yelled.
Eddie jumped as Christine bashed him in the head with a plastic hanger. "What?" he turned on her, annoyed at having his daydream interrupted.
"Where're Dad and Snow?" she asked.
Eddie suddenly heard the commotion in Victoria's Secret. "I'll give you one guess," he said, a smile creeping across his face.
"Oh no! MO…" Eddie slapped his hand over her mouth before she could finish.
"Shut up! Come on! We'll go get them."
Christine turned and saw her mother haggling with the clerk. "Okay," she sighed reluctantly, following her brother out of the store.
As soon as they were outside, Eddie took off toward the Food Court.
"EEEDDDDDDDIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Christine screeched, chasing after him.
"Ah, red meat! Succulent beef…..fresh fish…greasy hamburger…" Eddie grinned as he dashed across the mall, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
"SNOW!" Wolf cried again.
The store clerks were attempting to pull the now naked manikin from the three-year-old's iron grasp. "NO! IT'S MINE!" she screamed, still hidden underneath the mountain of silk nightgowns.
Suddenly the child darted out from beneath the gowns, the bra pulled down over her head and the thong tied around her waist like a loincloth. "MINE!" She let go of the manikin and made a dash for the door. The clerks attempted to tackle her, but she slid through their fingers.
"Get her!" the head clerk ordered, "She's wearing one hundred and seventy-five dollars worth of merchandise!"
"That's all she's wearing," one of the store clerks muttered.
Wolf raced from the store after his daughter, still oblivious to the thong on his head.
"Hey, you'll have to pay for that!" the clerk called after him angrily. "The nerve of these men! Too embarrassed to buy a thong themselves!"
Seven clerks raced after them. "STOP IN THE NAME OF LINGERIE!" yelled one.
"Snow!" Wolf howled. "My little lamb chop! My little meat biscuit! Get back here, before your mother sees what you're wearing!"
"MINE!" She yelled back. "I'M VICTORIA!"
"Snow! My sweet beefcake! My delicious pastry! Stop or you'll be eating salads for a month!"
People standing by watching would have seen this: A man with a purple velvet thong around his head chasing after a streaking toddler in a red lace thong and bra, calling her things that referred to food, both being chased by seven Victoria's Secret clerks and, by now, two security guards. Luckily, Virginia was still deep in serious conversation with the Children's Boutique lady.
Meanwhile, in the Food Court………
"Eddie! Stop or we'll be stopping for salad!" Christine bounded after her slobbering brother.
"Ah…red meat…" he growled, tearing into a large plate of baby back ribs. The owner of that plate, a very small woman, was sitting still, afraid that if she moved he'd come after her.
"Are you gonna eat the plate too?" the woman's small son asked.
Eddie grunted and finished off the meal. Christine grabbed onto his now badly stained shirt and attempted to drag him off. She only succeeded in getting meat splattered all over her nice green blouse. Eddie suddenly noticed a little old lady staring at him from across the Food Court. His eyes widened. He twisted away from Christine, and hurried off in search of something he deemed very important. He soon found it.
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Christine cried as he leapt over the Pizza Hut counter, snatched up a very large knife, and scrambled out again.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT!? EDDIE! PUT DOWN THAT KNIFE!"
By this time everyone in the mall was either watching transfixed as a twelve-year-old boy ran through the Food Court with a large knife, meat dripping down his chin and onto his shirt, or they were gaping at the thong man and the bra girl being chased by the mall personnel. Virginia was still talking to the Children's Boutique lady, oblivious to the havoc her family was wreaking.
"EDDIE! DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE NEAR THAT LITTLE OLD LADY!" Christine dodged tables and ducked under railings, reaching her brother just before he reached the old lady's table.
"Gimme that!" she demanded, snatching the fourteen-inch blade from her brother's sweaty hands.
"Ooohhhh….look Christine! They're cooking Giant Pandas!"
"They are not! That's just the Mandarin Garden, you idiot!"
But it was too late. Eddie was already sprinting towards the terrified Chinese cooks, screaming with delight. "I've always wanted to taste a Giant Panda!"
As he got closer, the cooks yelled in Chinese, and they scrambled away from the booth, leaving Eddie to eat the "Giant Pandas".
"Hey! This tastes like chicken!" Eddie groaned in disappointment.
"That's because it is chicken, dumb-brain!" Christine snapped.
"Both of you FREEZE!" Christine and Eddie whirled around to find a security guard pointing a sub-machine gun at them.
"Since when do you guys carry around sub-machine guns?" Christine asked.
"Since Seimei started working here," he answered.
Christine looked confused. "Who…"
"Shut you mouth and put your hands in the air!"
Christine's hands shot up. Eddie sighed and reluctantly dropped the "panda" and raised his slimy meaty hands.
"Both of you, follow me!"
The children docilely followed the security guard. Eddie lamented the fact that he had to leave all that food behind, and that Giant Pandas tasted just like chicken, and Christine couldn't keep her eyes off the sub-machine gun.
They were soon joined by a group of Victoria's Secret store clerks and two security guards, pushing Wolf and Snow, still dressed in Snow's lingerie.
"Hey, why don't you both have sub-machine guns?" Christine asked the guards.
"You think money grows on trees, kid? We're on a strict budget! And stop asking questions!" one guard snarled.
"Well, so-rry," Christine muttered under her breath.
"Uh-oh," Eddie gasped as Virginia emerged from the store, a confused look on her face. It quickly changed to a look of intense fury when she saw the crowd in front of her. It was even worse than the night before.
"Is this your family, ma'am?" the sub-machine gun security guard asked politely.
"Not for long," she growled.
Wolf and the children gave each other pained looks. "Get ready for a lot of salad," Wolf moaned.