ONE NIGHT ALONE a reboot fanfiction by Mary Jane
Chapter Five:
"I'm the same, aren't I?"
Ray looked down at Matrix. He was sitting on a chair right beside the bed where Matrix had been placed, after he had killed the little binome and immediately collapsed afterward. He jumped a little at the sound of Matrix's voice, for he hadn't heard a sound from the huge man for what felt like a lifetime. But as he looked down, he saw that Matrix had silently turned over to face Ray, and was staring at him with huge eyes, still bloodshot. Ray had no idea where that question had come from, or what it meant, or what he should say in response to it. So, he just sat there and stared at Matrix.
Matrix looked back at him for a long time, but as he realized that Ray wasn't going to answer his question, he leaned back and positioned himself so that he was lying on his back. He brought his hands up to his face and covered his eyes, heaving a deep sigh. Ray had never seen him like this, but he wasn't entirely surprised at the way that Matrix was acting. After such an experience, Matrix was liable to do anything that wasn't part of his character or his normal demeanor.
Ray looked down at the floor and thought about what the question meant. It probably meant that Matrix was just in denial of who he was, and he was trying to convince himself that even though he had committed a blind murder, he was still just a sprite. But Ray thought about that, and he didn't know what it was that made him not believe that this was really what Matrix meant. Maybe it was his voice, the way it didn't seem to plead with him for the answer that he wanted, as most desperate people did. Or possibly it was his eyes, the way they looked like they belonged to a tiny child and to a dying old being at the same time. They possessed innocence and remorse at the same time. Or maybe it was just something that he couldn't put his finger on; an aura, just a feeling, surrounding Matrix, making him someone completely different, who had questions for the world that the world could not answer.
As Matrix heaved another deep sigh, Ray stood up. He felt ashamed of himself for feeling so much sympathy for Matrix, when there were others on the ship who deserved so much more than they were getting. He felt like Matrix didn't deserve any care at all; he had committed murder, he had been possessed by hatred, he had destroyed the trust of the others towards him. He didn't even deserve to live, but something in Ray told him that Matrix probably knew that already. And Ray wasn't about to scold him, for Matrix had been through so much in the past few days that it was unthinkable to make things worse for him, if such a thing was actually possible. But Ray didn't want to be in this room anymore. So, he headed for the door, reached out, opened it, and just as quietly as Matrix had woken up, left.
Matrix was lost in his thoughts. Everything that had ever happened to him was now swirling around in his head, telling him so many things about himself that he had never wanted to admit before. But now, as everything around him appeared to shrivel up and die, he realized who he had become, and how much he had become like those he hated. He was callous, unfeeling, harsh, isolated, and worst of all, alone. He was the sprite who had left his friend behind to die, for he had not only left AndrAIa alone without protection and care, but also, he had left his sister, in his mad dash to grow up and become a man. Truly, he had become a man, but he was not the man that he had hoped to be. But at the same time, he was still the little boy who had injured one so much smaller than he. He had seen things incorrectly, and instead of seeing that little binome as one who had only been trying to help him, he had seen it as a malicious thing that only lived to injure him. That little girl in the woods that day; she had only liked him, and wanted to play with him, and flirt with him. But he had not seen it as thus; he had seen her as someone who was trying to destroy his confidence, and make him believe that he was putrid and horrible.
But he was not angry with himself for all of these things. He was past rage; it had made him so tired, and now that there was no energy left in him with which to fight the truth, he could only lie on his bed and think about it. His thinking had brought sadness, a sadness that he had never known before. He knew that he deserved all of it, but he almost wanted everything to come to him. He appreciated the pain, because the pain was almost a voice that told him it was not too late. He still possessed a soul, and he still had the ability to feel for others. So, he welcomed the exhaustion, and the hurt, and the worry.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Ray wandered the halls of the Mare's lower decks for some time. Like Matrix, he was completely lost in thought, so much so that he was starting to walk into the walls and the tables. But he didn't care.
He had seen AndrAIa. Everyone was amazed that she still lived; a normal sprite would not have lasted one cycle with that kind of injury, and here AndrAIa was, still battling, after three cycles. But she was getting dimmer and dimmer, and she could not fight forever. But nothing could be done. No one knew what kind of medicine she needed, or what kind of things could be done to make the what must have been excruciating pain a little bit easier for her to bear. Ray was terrified for her, and wanted to stay with her, but he felt like he just couldn't. She reminded him too much of Matrix, who looked like he was dying as well, except he was dying in mind, not in body. Besides, if Matrix ever regained his strength and was able to walk over to her room, Ray would not be able to face him. Everything about him was just frightening, in a hopeless way.
So, he just walked. He eventually made his way up the stairs to the main deck, without even knowing where he was going. There were binomes all over the deck, gathered in little groups. Some looked like they had been crying, some were still crying, some were just lost in thought, and yet still others looked angry. Angry enough to kill. All heads turned to look at Ray, but he didn't look back. He just walked among them like a ghost, silent, and carrying a cold air with him.
The Captain, who had been just staring out at the web as it passed by the ship, turned to look at Ray, and immediately he rushed over to him. He called out Ray's name a couple of times, but when Ray didn't respond to any noise whatsoever, he walked right in front of him. He reached out his arm and touched Ray on the waist, which was about as far as he could reach. Ray stopped, and slowly he came back to reality, and saw the Captain standing in front of him with a concerned look on his face.
"Captain..." he breathed out with a sigh. "How are you? How has everyone been taking all of this?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid. As you can see, it is all anyone can think about."
"I'm not surprised at all." Ray fell silent, and looked down at the floor again. The Captain, too, stared at the floor for a little while, but then looked up at Ray intently. He reached out his arm again to put it on Ray's waist, and as Ray looked up at him the Captain gave him a sympathetic look.
"There wasn't anything you could have done, lad. Don't fret over that."
"I'm not. I probably should be, but I'm not." Ray said with shame in his voice.
"Then what is on your mind? Please don't tell me that you are replaying that scene in your head, so many other crew members are doing that, and they are making themselves ill."
"No, I'm not thinking about that either. I was earlier, but now I've just been thinking about..." Ray's voice trailed off. He knew that he shouldn't tell the Captain what he was thinking; it would cause an outburst, because Ray knew it was wrong.
"Tell me. I'm only here to help."
"No, I'm sorry. This is just something that I will have to think about myself." Ray walked around the Captain and started to go below deck again, but he stopped when he heard the Captain's voice almost read his mind.
"You're thinking about your friend, aren't you? Matrix, the boy Enzo? That is what is on your mind, is it not?"
Ray turned to look at the Captain. He was fully ready to deny it, especially because everyone around him was now staring at the two, but when he saw the look in the Captain's eyes he just remained silent. The Captain still had that look of sympathy in his eyes, except it almost looked like it was magnified. Now, he was looking upon Ray the way that Ray had known he had looked upon Matrix. He saw Ray as a child in front of him; a scared little boy who was struggling to grow up, except that his mind was still so controlled by innocence. Ray almost felt like he wanted to cry when he saw everyone else turn to him, and look at him as if there was something different about him, something that was drastically altered. He felt the same, and he truly did look the same. He looked the same in his body, that is.